Ask Me Help Desk - How to trust him again

I know a marriage is not supposed to fall apart after 1 year, but I have been with this guy for 4 years, married for 1 and everything has changed. We moved to a new town when we got married and since then he has been going to clubs every time I am out of town, he also visits the adult video store any chance he gets, but the bad thing is he knows I cannot stand having that type of stuff in my house, so he began hiding it, along with receipts. He has even lied about having it, not knowing I already found it. I was also recently told by a friend of his that he has cheated on me several times in the past. He swears that it never happened, but if he'll lie about something as trivial as porn, will he lie about this? I feel like I can not trust him anymore and I don't even want him near me. What should I do?

Men are like children. If you tell them that they cannot do or have something it will become the top item on "the most wanted" list. If you have been with him 4 years did you notice him watching or reading porn then? If not, you may not know him as well as you think you do. Out of respect for you and your ideal on porn he should not bring it in the house, but he should not continue to hide the fact that he has it. Honesty is the foundation of marriage and your foundation already appears to be shaken. In regards to the cheating, why would "his" friend advise you of this? Men are usually loyal to each other in all circumstances unless there is an underlying motive. How long and how well have you known his friend. If he can PROVE your husband cheated then you have all reason to believe him. If he cannot prove it, you need to give your new husband the benefit of the doubt.
However, you both must come to terms with these issues. Get them out in the open once and for all and put them behind you if you are serious about marriage. Once you agree on something it is unfair for either of you to continue on about it. You will never last that way.
Men are also creatures of habit. You can rest assured he did not just pick up the porn habit. My husband has went with his friends to topless bars. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what his intentions are when going. I know that he is not going to put a woman,who takes her clothes off for money, lowers her standards, and has no respect for herself, over me. He is fully aware of my opinions and I am fully aware of his. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but I know that our trust in each other is unbreakable. The first year will not be your hardest. The hard years are yet to come. Consider this... Is your love for each other strong enough to last through a life time of good and bad?

Quote:

Originally Posted by redtexas

i know a marriage is not supposed to fall apart after 1 year, but i have been with this guy for 4 years, married for 1 and everything has changed. we moved to a new town when we got married and since then he has been going to clubs everytime i am out of town, he also visits the adult video store any chance he gets, but the bad thing is he knows i cannot stand having that type of stuff in my house, so he began hiding it, along with receipts. he has even lied about having it, not knowing i already found it. i was also recently told by a friend of his that he has cheated on me several times in the past. he swears that it never happened, but if he'll lie about something as trivial as porn, will he lie about this? i feel like i can not trust him anymore and i don't even want him near me. what should i do?

I am sorry to hear your pain.
Marriage is all about respect and compromise.
I see respect from your side BUT I see NO compromise from either end... sorry!

He has done wrong is going clubbing, but he shouldn't ALL the time when you are out of town. The fact that he goes out is nothing wrong with that but compromise is needed...

Re: porno, I would see that as a major problem, however still speak to him. Express how you feel about it... have you ever considered watching any with him? :cool:

Who do you trust more your husband or his mate?

How about suggesting marriage counselling? As something is wrong here.