My girlfriend and I have a rather passionate and respectful relationship.

Yet, she is a divorcée with kids - so, unlike other women I've dated, her EX stays with her for life.

So, here's the challenge: He was really a bad husband.
He cheated on her a few times. But even worse perhaps... he told her to get a boyfriend once his philandering became too much.
As a mother of 3, with no career options at the time, she relented for a time. (An uncomfortable but honest confession to me.)

Now, I think, how can you even speak to this guy? But, she says it's "for the kids..."
And it is a new chapter. And his new girlfriend is a respected lawyer and they are on a new track, and being spiteful is not helpful.

What I want to know is what should be normal boundaries? And how do I get past this/ Should I get past this?

I hardly ever see him. But, since he has to pick up the kids, or take them on his day off or when she Graduate School exams - or at soccer games - he is in her life.

Is this my problem or can she help me through this before I give up on us - since the past is still part of us because her EX is part of our life...

Is there hope for having a person like this in our life and treating him normally?

Do you and the ex speak to each other? Did you know each other before? I don't understand why you can't just treat him like anybody else. She has moved on and wants to be with you now. She has to talk to him-they have kids together. I'm a little confused about the part where she relented at the time. (an uncomfortable but hones confession to me). What are you wanting to get past?

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Originally Posted by missk

I'm a little confused about the part where she relented at the time. (an uncomfortable but hones confession to me). What are you wanting to get past?

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Well, as I said, or tried to say, while they were married - he told her to get a boyfriend and she relented... Her self-esteem was such that she went along with his lifestyle idea for a many months out of lack of any other options... Then she divorced him.

I wonder how she can even speak to him now... But he gets the kids a few days a week and on days when she's in Grad School Exams and they converse about some day to day things...

This is a challenge to me to accept 100%

Yes, ex's do talk, my ex ( that is still alive) and I still talk about once or twice a year, ( our kids are in their late 20's) and we still call and check on one or the other if we lose contact with one of them for a bit.

And while the kids are younger, they will see each other and have to discuss things about the kids and when they can get visitation, about taking special trips not on schedule for visits and when he does not pay child support property a lot of contact.

And you can expect one or the other to sue the other in court every few years over something.

But basically this was the deal you asked for when you decided to be invovled with someone who had kids an a ex.

Well there are couples who will have the ex and their new partner over for dinner, and others who requier all contact be done though an attorney.
And most somewhere in between. There is no normal

And her past sex life is just that, past, nothing to get over, or should not be, since what she did before she meet you has nothing to do with your relationship.

I agree that communication with an Ex is commonplace, but when one is in a damaging relationship, should there be boundaries or ways to create a new life that minimizes what they did in the past? Should he be given respect?

My ex and I converse about day to day things all the time. I just think it is a sign of maturity. I have accepted the fact that he is a player-he is who he is-he is still a cool guy just not a good partner. It makes it so easier for everyone involved. We have a son together and I have a fiancé who talks to him about our son and other things. I know it was a challenge for my fiancé at first. But after he realized that I REALLY don't want this guy, it was a lot easier for him to deal with. I think it is just your problem and it is something that you are going to have to accept if you want to be with her. We all go to my son's games and all get along well. It shows a lot of confidence in everyone involved and I know my son appreciates it too.

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Originally Posted by skip2

I agree that communication with an Ex is commonplace, but when one is in a damaging relationship, should there be boundaries or ways to create a new life that minimizes what they did in the past? should he be given respect?

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Yes there should be boundaries, but she will have to decide what they are. You can't minimize the past it is just that, the past. It's not important (the past.) Focus on the future.
Yes he should be given respect, especially around the kids. But you don't want to look like a jerk, be a bigger man and always be courteous.

Bad manners is worse than being poor. Be happy and thankful you have a girlfriend, like this guy.

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She has moved on and He has moved on. They have accepted that and there is no reason why they shouldn't get along-especially for the kids sake. It teaches to rise above the situation and respect and you will be respected. I was in a damaging relationship and I am so over it. I talk to him as if we are friends-it is so much easier that way. And like matt said, my fiancé has always been the better man and courteous-if your together long enough you will realize how much better it is to handle it this way then any other. You all share something in common now-the kids.

I think your making more of this situation than you need to. Honestly, I don't agree with what she did with her ex and cheating on him, even with his permission. But I give her a ton of credit for admitting it and telling you the truth. She didn't have to, and she could have easily just kept it to herself which wouldn't have even been lying, it would have just been not telling you. I think if you look at it from the perspective that you have a woman that's trusting you enough to tell you this and also honest enough to do so then you should give her some credit and appreciate that kind of honesty. Many women do not share the belief that being honest is a good thing, so cherish that part of her.

As for her talking to her ex you should encourage it because the ones that will benefit from there communication are the children. The happier the children, the happier the parents, which in turn will make you life that much easier and more pleasing.

When you accept her, you must accept the kids, and even the ex, as they are his kids also. She has been honest and upfront so don't be insecure, or say anything bad about her ex in front of the kids. Leave the past in the past, and work for the now, that way you can have a future. This is your problem to deal with in a mature way.