Originally Posted by amIwrong
I got married nearly 4 years ago. Recently I found out that my husband is bi-polar and has pathological lying disorder. Just before that. We took was out $27,000 for IVF treatment, and long story short he stopped working and would not get a job, created debt, lied about it etc. While I was going to school working full time, and doing IVF treatments alone. He did not go to one appointment with me and the only reason we choose this route was because it was his preference, I was ok with using a donor, but he was not, thus the $27,000 in savings and loans. It's not a start and stop process that you can just randomly cancel or not. I have given him deadlines, ultimatums, I am tried to understand him, encourage him, but there was a time when I started to fall apart. Even when I did, I still went to work, I still went to school and I still managed the household by myself.
I had to cancel the IVF 2 weeks away from the implantation. I did it on purpose because I saw that this was not a situation for a child to be in. Though it was the most gut wrenching thing I have ever done in my life. I did get a refund of funds that weren't used, which wasn't much, since we used nearly all of that money in the process to pay for the daily ultrasounds, lab work, drugs, etc. and what was left over basically covered the debt he created.
Needless to say, there was no romance, haha, no intimacy, etc.
Much less stability, assurance, support, help with the household, etc. He would have job interviews, and I would call to make sure he was awake and he would not answer the phone, I would have everyone call the house over and over and he would not get up. I would leave work to get him up knowing he wouldn't have gone and may not have anyway. He would say he had gotten a job and then not bring home a paycheck. For the longest time I thought he was cheating. But some detective work only proved that he maybe had some minor crushes but not affairs.
Now, it's been over a year, we have been separated, now legally seperated for 2 weeks. I needed to do so to clear my mind, and for him the same. We still live together, because of his circumstances. But I thought after this point he might want to work at getting himself together. He hasn't. He finally got a job (4 months ago) making significantly less, I got a pay raise but thanks to his lowered pay I don't reap the benefits of a pay increase and still have these new bills from him and the IVF. He says he has problems and is trying to make it just day by day.
It came up to a mutual friend of ours, and our friend and I discussed having a child together. I know that sounds bazaar, but he cares for me, and we both want a child. It has ended up where this friend is someone I choose because I care for him, he is a good guy, I trust him, etc, etc, etc. So then I wondered, those are qualities that you would want in a significant other, those are qualities I wanted in my husband, that I thought were there, and were, through bouts of clarity, etc. So then as conversation of this began more and more he and I agreed that we both felt we would be good for each other in that way.
It feels like I am leaving my husband behind, dumping him on his own, just to watch me move forward without him. I don't love him any less. (sobs) but I can't go on like this either. I have told him honestly and up front that I spoke to our friend about this, etc, etc. So I am not planning anything without everyone's knowledge. I am dealing with the guilt that I left behind someone I love very much, who also dreamed of a life with stability and a family, but leaving him behind knowing he won't have that, and that he won't even have me either. I am horrified. I am scared I will lose my husband as a friend, though I have no right to ask him to stand by and watch this. I have no right to ask our friend who is a good man to stand by and watch me be a sacrificial lamb to the cause either.
