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-   -   Split up? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=85300)

  • Apr 23, 2007, 01:07 AM
    kie
    Split up?
    My partner and I split up approx 2 months ago after being together for 5 years, we have a 14 month old little boy together. One of the main reasons we splilt up was because he went out on weekends quite abit when we were together and didn't come home till early hours of the next morning, I use to get upset about it and we would then argue about the situation and the weekend would result in us not talking or doing our own thing but during the week we got on, except for the general arguments everyone seems to have. A lot of the cause of his going out I think was a result of him coming back from Iraq and having underlying issues about it which he felt he couldn't talk to his family about. He has moved into his own flat and I have stayed in the house we use to have. Recently we have been getting on really well which has resulted in us sleeping together. We both still love each other and recently I have asked him if we could try and make a go of it again. He is unsure as he has said he has got use the idea of living alone, which I feel he hasn't as he seems down, I think he is just making himself think that. He has said we should concentrate on being friends and then take it from there, he doesn't want to make any drastic decisions at the moment or rush into anything. I think there is more there than just being friends, I know we still love each other and am sure if we tried again it would work. I'm not sure what to do whether to let him think about it for awhile and then ask him again, or just leave it and let him decide when he feels it right? Please help?
  • Apr 23, 2007, 01:40 AM
    Beachgrl
    Even though you have so much history together and a child I would say move on. It sounds like he has gotten a taste of freedom and doesn't want to let go of it. It also sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. With him living on his own he doesn't have as many responsibilities and can go out whenever he wants and have anyone come over at any time, and all this plus you sleeping with him still. It sounds like he's got it made and as long as you keep giving him what he wants nothing will change. The sad fact in my experience is that most men try to ditch out on their responsibilities the second they taste a little freedom and it's very hard to get them back.
  • Apr 23, 2007, 01:49 AM
    kie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Beachgrl
    Even though you have so much history together and a child I would say move on. It sounds like he has gotten a taste of freedom and doesn't want to let go of it. It also sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. With him living on his own he doesn't have as many responsibilities and can go out whenever he wants and have anyone come over at any time, and all this plus you sleeping with him still. It sounds like he's got it made and as long as you keep giving him what he wants nothing will change. The sad fact in my experience is that most men try to ditch out on their responsibilities the second they taste a little freedom and it's very hard to get them back.
    The sad thing is I can't move on because I still love him :-(
  • Apr 23, 2007, 02:12 AM
    Roll Like This
    I personally don't think you should try again because the same thing happened to me and when we got back togeather we lasted about 2 weeks then we broke up
  • Apr 23, 2007, 02:49 AM
    Beachgrl
    I went through the same thing and I know how you feel. I was with my boyfriend for four years and we have a daughter together. It's now been three years since we broke up and I still love him very much even though he refuses to talk to me. I wish I could tell you the pain goes away and that it'll get better, but it only does a little bit. And for me only because I don't think about it. But you still have a little hope, he's not that far gone. I would say just don't have sex with him anymore, don't give him what he wants and don't keep asking him to be with you. Continue to be nice to him-friends with him, but show him what he's going to miss not being with you. Very subtly show him how good your life can be without him(but very subtly) and how much he'll miss you and your child. Maybe he'll realize that a family life is better than a single one. It sounds like you'll have to play your cards just right though. I don't know him but I would say don't be too chummy with him and yet don't be too mean to him or yell at him either. Good luck



    Once you've loved someone, they're always in your heart. (good or bad)
  • Apr 23, 2007, 03:04 AM
    kie
    Thanks beachgrl, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know that my ex is a good guy and he doesn't ignore me when I speak to him at least. I'm going to take your advice and be nice to him but not too nice and try not to agrue with him and take it from there. I know deep down inside he does want the family life, our child was planned, I just think at the moment he isn't thinking straight and needs some time to realise what is important and then hopefully he'll come around. He has a very supportive family and I get on very well with them so hopefully in time we can sort things out and be together :confused:
  • Apr 23, 2007, 04:14 AM
    Jiser
    It's a hard choice you have to make here. Whatever happens your child should come first! Your child should be growing up in a stable happy home whether you are single or not.

    You could stay being 'friends' as much as that loose term means. Its going to pain you each time you see him. The period of healing won't be able to happen, effectively you could be in the same painful stage as you are now in potentially a years time - NOT GOOD !

    Or You can move on, except the harsh truth. Perhaps he does not want to be in a relationship with you anymore. So in that case its time to work on yourself, your life and what you want out of it for the benefit of your family excluding said ex. Time will heal, spend time with friends and family, why not get a babysitter and relax in a local spa etc. Listen to music, have a bottle of wine and a good comedy.
  • Apr 23, 2007, 05:31 AM
    ordinaryguy
    It sounds to me like he really needs help dealing with his issues. If he cares at all about his child, maybe you could help him see that he owes it to him/her to get it together and be a real father. It's not really about you anymore. Your first priority should be your child.
  • Apr 23, 2007, 05:33 AM
    talaniman
    You have a child together so at least be civil. Wars tend to change people and you both sound young so raise your child and let the rest go for now. I think you both have to be reacquainted.
  • Apr 23, 2007, 05:37 AM
    kie
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ordinaryguy
    It sounds to me like he really needs help dealing with his issues. If he cares at all about his child, maybe you could help him see that he owes it to him/her to get it together and be a real father. It's not really about you anymore. Your first priority should be your child.
    I have told him he needs to speak to somebody to deal with his issues and he is now in the process of doing so. It is about our child you are right and that's y I think we owe it to all of us to make it work.
  • Apr 23, 2007, 05:48 AM
    Beachgrl
    Best of luck, I hope it all works out for you. : ) Let me know what happens

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