Okay... I don't even know how to start this.

I'm getting married on July 1st. BUT, I have a couple questions because my fiance's ex has a baby who she's claiming he's the father to. We're waiting on the papers so he can take the paternity test, but the question I have is this:

My fiance's ex used to live in VA. While they were still together, she felt the need to run back to NJ where her family lives, because she just didn't feel like being in VA anymore, however, she never let him know, so he was just stuck wondering why she'd left. Then about two months later she called him saying she was pregnant with his supposed child. At the time, she had been sleeping with another guy as well. Right now we've come to the conclusion that if this is his child, he wants to have some kind of custody if he's going to have to pay child support, but is that possible with her living in a different state? Also, once the child is old enough to know where he wants to be, will he be able to choose to live with his father, or will the courts rule against that? And, is there any way at all that the court would grant him main custody of the child at anyspecific time?

First of all, "if this is his child, he wants to have some kind of custody if he's going to have to pay child support"... If he's going to have to pay THEN he wants to have some custody? It's not an either or situation. He should want some custody if he is a decent human being to begin with and has the best interest of the child at heart.

Second, the best interest of the child is not to take the mom out of the picture because you all feel some unwarranted entitlement, unless she is some abusive crack addict. If he felt she would make a bad mom the he should not have done anything thing that would cause her to become on.

Third, the fact that she may or may not have slept with other men is not an issue other than establishing paternity. After all, the possible father is sleeping with you, correct? So he is no better.

You make it sound as if she is doing something to him and he is some poor victim. Where she chooses to live is her right regardless of the reasons just as it is his choice as well. And she did let him know of her pregnancy within a reasonable amount of time.

There is never a legal age that a child can decide for him/herself who they want to live with. At best the court may take into consideration the wishes of the child at an age the court deems the child has reached a reasonable amount of maturity. Which can be anywhere from 14-16 years old in most states.

The court will not grant him sole custody at any time unless there are extreme "remarkable" circumstances regarding the mothers fitness as a parent. But the courts are very in favor these days of awarding joint custody. Deciding factors in awarding any custody are as follows:
* The parents' ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child.
* The parents' willingness to accept custody.
* Any history of unwillingness to allow visitation not based on substantiated abuse.
* The interaction and relationship of the child with its parents and siblings.
* The history of domestic violence, if any.
* The safety of the child.
* The safety of either parent from physical abuse by the other party.
* The preference of the child when of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent decision.
* The needs of the child.
* The stability of the home environment offered.
* The quality and continuity of the child's education.
* The fitness of the parents.
* The geographic proximity of the parents' homes.
* The extent and quality of the time spent with the child prior to or subsequent to the separation.
* The parents' employment responsibilities.
* The age and number of the children.
First step, establish the paternity. Second, think carefully of what is truly in the best interest of the child. NOT what will be the most convenient for you or him.

Lastly, this issue is truly between him and her not you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can just take the baby and become some family eliminating mom. And remember there are always 2 sides to the story... don't make mom the bad guy just because they both made the decision to get themselves into this situation.

First of all, don't judge me. And don't take what I write out of context either. When I said IF the child is his he'd like custody, I meant that he's not worried about it until they can prove he's the father. This girl he supposedly got pregnant has told several other people in the past that he's not the father, so neither of us are going to worry about it until it's proven.

Secondly... you cannot say it's completely between the two of them. YES, all decsions made are theirs, not mine, but obviousy you don't believe that when two people get married, they become one and they deal with EVERYTHING together as one. It's written in the Bibble, but you must not believe that. However, I'm not you and you're not me, and as it's written in the Bible, I believe that we'll be united as one on our wedding day. After that everything is both our business... if I had a baby by another man, I would expect him to treat the child as his own, both with punishments and love. I expect the same in return. I don't expect to be involved in the decisions right now, but if that child is his and he gets joint custody, which he WILL have if he can help it, and that child stays in our home, I will hlave a say what goes on in that child's life while he's with us. You don't have to agree with that, but my fiancé does, so please keep your bossy comments to yourself.

And PS. I was not saying that I wanted to eliminate the real mom. Stop making what I write mean what YOU think it means.

Calm down. You made it sound as if he only wanted to have some custody IF he had to pay child support. Not IF he was in fact the father. That was not the concern of the issue for me. Secondly, you made it sound as if you two wanted to take full custody. Third, I do believe that when a man and woman marry they are one in the eyes of God. To quote it directly they are of one flesh. I agree you should have a say so in the things that happen in your home when the child is with you. However, that was not what I was referring to. I was referring to the fact that what is between them are the issues of custody. Not the every day decision of child rearing. Your questions imply and leave a reader to believe that it is your desire to cut out mom. If that is not so then I apologize for assuming incorrectly.

p.s. "but if that child is his and he gets joint custody, which he WILL have if he can help it"... if you will re read what I wrote above you will see that I did state the courts are in fact very in favor of joint custody. Your screaming WILL at me implies the I either said or feel he shouldn't get joint custody and I did not say or imply that in away way. I am all for it.

Point taken

Ok, well first lets get the DNA test and find out, if he is not the father, it really does not matter after that.

If he is the father, he will have to get an attorney and they will fight in court, if there is no reason the mother is unfit, it is very unlikely he will get physical custody of the child, courts are still giving the mother phsycial custody inmost cases esp while the children are small.

He will file for visitation, and should look for longer times during summer and holidays, since the travel will be a issue.

You can go back many times, as the cild gets older and try to get custody of the child if you havve some cause to go by.

But he will be paying child support as noted if he is the father,

We're not worried about the child support. That's not the issue. I am a little worried for this child though, beause his mom is a party girl, and she's posted pictures of her under-age friend holding him and a beer. I know she drinks too, I'm just worried for the child, even if he isn't my fiance's.

I agree with Fr_Chuck. Get the paternity out of the way first. In the mean time, collect all the photos and evidence that you can. The courts initially, if the evidence is not sufficient. Will grant a joint or what is now called in some states a shared custody scenario. You all will have rare visits as Fr_Chuck said during the summer and holidays unless the two of you are willing to head to NJ. Also, keep in mind, you will probably end up in court up in NJ if the mother files all this in court. If all she is doing is having paternity determined by child support enforcement they have nothing to do with visitation. If he is the father, contact a local attorney and see if they can file for custody in your state or if you will have to file in NJ. If that is the case, see if your attorney can find a recommendation or possibly ask someone on this board who would be good in NJ when it comes to representing a father in court for custody of minor children.

Mom may be a party girl according to dad, but he obviously doesn't have the warmest opinion of her, and even if true, people often change upon having a child. What she did before she became pregnant is a non-issue. It's how she cares for the child that is relevant. Being in different states, I don't know that joint custody will be court ordered without parental agreement, as it is difficult to split a child 50% of the time between states, even if alternating years. It is more likely, I believe, that one parent will have the child during the school year, the other for a large part of summer vacation and alternating holiday breaks.