Ask Me Help Desk - Past Sexual Exploits

This is silly, but I am having a real problem with my girlfriends past. I know that who and what she is now.. what I fell in love with... are all necessary products of what she's been through. I also know the pat answer of... " well she's with YOU now".

In the disclosure part of the beginning of our dating, she mentioned that when she first divorced, she was seeing two guys who knew each other. You can imagine where this is going, they all got together for a threesome. She stated it was something she had always wanted to do, and did on more then one occasion with these guys.

She and I have both had lengthy past sexual experiences, and are very good together. This one thing I've always wondered about, but never done. So going tit for tat, I can relate to everything she's done but that. I had a few questions, but the whole idea of it is eating at me and I don't know why.

She mentioned that this one thing was at the very edge of what she was willing to live with, but at the time was just doing what she wanted after a rather lengthy divorce in a stagnant marriage. I got all that, I just can't seem to get over it.

There is one part of me that wants all the details.. hoping that it was not a thing that these guys abused her, another part that would love to know that she initiated it and was just going with what she wanted to know. It's sick to even ask these things, but I've got to get some closure with this.

She's got two great kids, a wonderful career, and is very beautiful. She and I are great together, and she is the most satisfying woman I've ever been with. I've been married twice, once for 11 years, and once for 15. This is the first type of dating situation I've been in in a while. I know that there are things I've done that seem to bother her... such as the fact that most of my ex relationships were just that... relationships that started as friends and advanced. She states these guys, were in a list of 'friends' she had that she could get together with she wanted some 'guy/girl' time. She stated she was not interested in them for anything other then sex. She likes the bad boy type, and was with these guys strickly for that, and I'm also cool with that. She is from a different socioeconomic situation then most of them, and would not be caught dead with them, they were just as she put it, "play things". She baciscally has the sexual appetite of a man, but has told me that if she was one, she'd be gay.

I want to engage her in converstaion about all of this, which I'm sure will help sooth my ego... but I just can't figure out the 'why' part of it. Is it that I'm afraid that one ( me ) can't compete with two? Is it that I'm shocked? Is it that I can't relate from my own past as to the mechanics of all of this? She's told me that the reason I'm the one for her, is that I'm the ONLY one that has ever satisfied her, PEROID. YEA for me, but what about this THING!!

HELP?!

I think you are worrying way too much about nothing. I think if you continue to treat her right, you shouldn't have much to worry about. If she wants to talk about it, cool. If she doesn't, don't push it. If you continue to insist on talking about it (obsessing maybe) she will probably feel like you are being critical of her past choices. Remember, she only told you about it because she trusts you.

Well if that doesn't boost your ego then nothing will. Clearly your girlfriend is a sexual person who chose to experiment when she was free and single. This had no reflection on you because she was not with you then. Clearly these two men were just a quick thrill to he while she was feeling rebellious after the confinements of an unhappy marriage. What she has with you is totally different and beyond compare. She loves you and wants to be with you so there will be a connection there that she could not have felt with these men.
Finding out the details will not help you get over this but I think it is safe to say these men did not abuse her as she chose to do this time and time again. Really you need to just let it go. I'm sure there are things in your past you did at the time but you would not do now, even if they are not sexual.
If you can't let it go it will eat you up inside, so if talking to her and us doesn't help then maybe you should see a sexual councilor to find the root of why this bothers you so much

I think EnglishRose has said it all. Sounds like she experimented in the past, and I think we all do to some extent. I think you should think more about the present than the past:D

First of all, you do not need the details. You knew she had a past and you know you have a past so that levels the field. If you could accept her then, you can accept her now. Going to see a therapist together would be a good idea for you two. Bring out everything and put it on the table for discussion. Get past whatever you are holding and get over whatever thoughts are "eating" at you. This "thing" you are describing is becoming the elephant in the living room. I truly hope you can work through your ego. For the sake of your own well being and for the life of the relationship.

Follow up: We talked at length tonight, I didn't ask any more questions. I told her it had bothered me, I had obsessed about it, work it out and was done with it. I told her I was sorry I had let it become a thing, but it was MY thing. I also asked that we NEVER speak of it again. She agreed. All is well. Thanks for Everyone's input.

Kris

Am glad you followed through. I truly hope your relationship becomes stronger.

You cannot change the past - forget it

Concentrate on the future - it is much more fun

Quote:

Originally Posted by kriss320

Follow up: We talked at length tonight, I didn't ask any more questions. I told her it had bothered me, I had obsessed about it, work it out and was done with it. I told her I was sorry I had let it become a thing, but it was MY thing. I also asked that we NEVER speak of it again. She agreed. All is well. Thanks for EVERYONES input.

Kris

Kris

Can you elaborate.. How did you approach it? What did she say? Thanks

Actually I would give her points for being honest. She is able to discuss it without malice to you. She is probably surprised by your reaction. Which could make her defensive. I think she has tasted the fruit and moved on. If all is well otherwise it would be best to move on.

Would like to share my thoughts on this as well, I have no good answer, but maybe someone can stem with new thoughts as I share similar struggles with kriss.
I too have problems accepting gf’s sexual pasts. I always seem to reach a point in the relationship where my heart sinks and I get sick when I learn of their wild encounters they had experienced. When my relationships start, I tell myself that anything in their past shouldn’t matter to me and it seems that anything I will learn will be easy to accept. But low and behold, when we reach an intimate and loving stage, these nightmares arise. It has happened repeatedly to me, and I always seek information from forums like this to find ways of dealing with my issues. It is happening to me again now. I have had a below average number of partners in my life…maybe about 12 by the age of 28. And I seem to fall for girls who I later learn have had quite colorful pasts and it tears me apart…I let it get to me. I have some sort of jealousy or insecurity. I know that it shouldn’t matter and I should only be concerned about who she is today and not who she WAS. I have even lost a wife over my issue…my insecurity wasn’t the only reason she left but it was definitely a factor in the divorce. My ex-wife had about 50 partners by 24 yrs old and I could never let it go…I struggled to accept it, but could never each the true point of acceptance. I would always try to let it go.. but she gave up on me and now I’m without her. So I would like to warn any others out there with the same issue, that they will have to fight as hard as they can to accept therir gf/wives past, or one day she can leave without warning. She found a guy who she could confide in and make her feel more special than I did…so I tried to teach myself to never let something like that happen again or suffer another heartbreak. Over time, I have fallen in love again with another woman who is very beautiful and very smart…smarter and more beautiful than my ex-wife, and she makes me feel special too, she loves me unconditionally, the sex is great, she takes good care of me, and I trust her. But as my new relationship with her was developing, I started to learn that she also has a colorful past involving drugs and promiscuous sex. And now the tension is back again. I can’t figure out how to let it go, I know I will lose her if I don’t learn how to deal with it soon. I do not know the number of her partners she’s had, but I know it’s a lot. I had recently found a 6 yr-old journal of hers where she was describing drug-induced threesomes she has had with 2 other guys at college parties. That is not who she is today, but why can’t I let it go? I have tried talking to her about it without judging her, and she has reminded me I should focus on what I have now with her and not her past. I know I am the “winner” she is choosing to stay with, but I don’t like the feeling of being with a girl who was passed around college parties. I know it is selfish and unfair of me. She grew up very sheltered and married her ex-husband out of high school…she went to college, separated from her ex, and got involved in the party scene where it overtook her. That was years ago and has really turned herself around, she is no longer interested in the nightclub scene, no longer does drugs, rarely drinks, and is loyal to me. She is very beautiful and smart and is honest with me…why do I let her “past self” who no longer exists overshadow that? Her sexual pasts with her long-term boyfriends and husband don’t really bother me. It’s her wild drug-sex flings that make me sick…why? Is it because I have never experienced that? She has told me that I wouldn’t want to experience anything like that, and it was a big learning experience for her. I understand that, but why can’t I just let it go? Sometimes I look at her and see her beauty and a horrible image of a punk stranger with her invades my head. I feel that if I can’t get over it, I will have to ask her to leave me for her own happiness because my sad attitude is bringing her down and she does not deserve that. I ask myself, are there any beautiful, smart, and loving women out there who haven’t let themselves be victim to these drug and alcohol influences? …that are still single? If anyone has ever conquered this hellish battle, please lend some advice on how to face it. I will greatly appreciate it. Thank-you in advance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustLiving

would like to share my thoughts on this as well, I have no good answer, but maybe someone can stem with new thoughts as I share similar struggles with kriss.
I too have problems accepting gf's sexual pasts. I always seem to reach a point in the relationship where my heart sinks and I get sick when I learn of their wild encounters they had experienced. When my relationships start, I tell myself that anything in their past shouldn't matter to me and it seems that anything I will learn will be easy to accept. But low and behold, when we reach an intimate and loving stage, these nightmares arise. It has happened repeatedly to me, and I always seek information from forums like this to find ways of dealing with my issues. It is happening to me again now. I have had a below average number of partners in my life…maybe about 12 by the age of 28. And I seem to fall for girls who I later learn have had quite colorful pasts and it tears me apart…I let it get to me. I have some sort of jealousy or insecurity. I know that it shouldn't matter and I should only be concerned about who she is today and not who she WAS. I have even lost a wife over my issue…my insecurity wasn't the only reason she left but it was definitely a factor in the divorce. My ex-wife had about 50 partners by 24 yrs old and I could never let it go…I struggled to accept it, but could never each the true point of acceptance. I would always try to let it go ..but she gave up on me and now I'm without her. So I would like to warn any others out there with the same issue, that they will have to fight as hard as they can to accept therir gf/wives past, or one day she can leave without warning. She found a guy who she could confide in and make her feel more special than I did…so I tried to teach myself to never let something like that happen again or suffer another heartbreak. Over time, I have fallen in love again with another woman who is very beautiful and very smart…smarter and more beautiful than my ex-wife, and she makes me feel special too, she loves me unconditionally, the sex is great, she takes good care of me, and I trust her. But as my new relationship with her was developing, I started to learn that she also has a colorful past involving drugs and promiscuous sex. And now the tension is back again. I can't figure out how to let it go, I know I will lose her if I don't learn how to deal with it soon. I do not know the number of her partners she's had, but I know it's a lot. I had recently found a 6 yr-old journal of hers where she was describing drug-induced threesomes she has had with 2 other guys at college parties. That is not who she is today, but why can't I let it go? I have tried talking to her about it without judging her, and she has reminded me I should focus on what I have now with her and not her past. I know I am the “winner” she is choosing to stay with, but I don't like the feeling of being with a girl who was passed around college parties. I know it is selfish and unfair of me. She grew up very sheltered and married her ex-husband out of high school…she went to college, separated from her ex, and got involved in the party scene where it overtook her. That was years ago and has really turned herself around, she is no longer interested in the nightclub scene, no longer does drugs, rarely drinks, and is loyal to me. She is very beautiful and smart and is honest with me…why do I let her “past self” who no longer exists overshadow that? Her sexual pasts with her long-term boyfriends and husband don't really bother me. It's her wild drug-sex flings that make me sick…why? Is it because I have never experienced that? She has told me that I wouldn't want to experience anything like that, and it was a big learning experience for her. I understand that, but why can't I just let it go? Sometimes I look at her and see her beauty and a horrible image of a punk stranger with her invades my head. I feel that if I can't get over it, I will have to ask her to leave me for her own happiness because my sad attitude is bringing her down and she does not deserve that. I ask myself, are there any beautiful, smart, and loving women out there who haven't let themselves be victim to these drug and alcohol influences? …that are still single? If anyone has ever conquered this hellish battle, please lend some advice on how to face it. I will greatly appreciate it. Thank-you in advance.

Im the same way...

She has bragged about her past conquest - directly and indirectly - but mainly when drunk. They are close guy friends, best friends brother, college buddies, coworkers, local rock "stars", her personal trainer, bartenders, pro ball players (multiple), and from what I can gather she used to date (aka screw) multiple guys at the same time... so it seems there was a revolving door of who to screw next? Who's in the rotation?

And that's only what I know...

I makes me feel like I'm just a number - except the one big factor: They were merely screwing her, but I'm "in the trenches" helping her with her problems, doing the daily grind, making a life... and the real kick to the balls is that our sex life has taken a nose dive over the lasty few months. So now I almost feel like I'm the "safe, harmless, dependable, solid, non sexual roomate"... Im a guy and I like that fire that we had, but its slipping away. Has been for a while. I guess I feel like a roommate when I want to be desired to a degree. Anybody in any relationship wants to feel needed. I feel like I'm needed but not like the others. The others were desired for their bodies and their d!cks. That's it. No mincing words. I wouldn't mind filling her nonsexual needs and fulfilling my normal role of the BF if that component of our life was on the level, but IMO its not. Its not even close. When I bring it up, she says she feels like she dissapoints me (and that's true to a degree)...

I don't know how to change this...

All I can say was she was honest... so think back was there anything you did that might seem arrogant or self serving with any past women? Odds are we all have done things we are not proud of... or maybe are but moved on from.

If you can't come to terms with this then maybe it's a sign to move on because you do NOT want to ever throw this in her face in the future just because you never learned to deal with it.

Okay.. here's the thing:

It's the PAST. Did you ever do ANYTHING that you wish you hadn't? Did you do something that other people are ashamed of you about, but that you managed to the best of your ability?

If you're that perfect that you haven't, then you'll never get over this. Seriously... it's something she did, but she isn't doing it anymore! Would you hate an alcoholic for giving up liquor? Or hate someone for hurting someone else, even though they've never hurt someone since, not deliberately, anyway?

You HAVE to get past this. You MUST let it go. Focus on NOW, forget about the past. If you concentrate so hard on what happened THEN, you're going to miss out on NOW.

If you can't do that, then YOU need counseling. She may need to join you to work it out together, but YOU need to figure out why it bothers you so much and figure out a way to move forward.

I used too feel very simuler with my ex but she being more experienced and me wanting to do some of these things that she did,I hated knowing that her ex bfs did abuse her to get what they want and I was treating her right and feeling like I was missing out.I got over it but it wasn't easy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

All I can say was she was honest......so think back was there anything you did that might seem arrogant or self serving with any past women? Odds are we all have done things we are not proud of...or maybe are but moved on from.

If you can't come to terms with this then maybe its a sign to move on because you do NOT want to ever throw this in her face in the future just because you never learned to deal with it.

Thanks for the reply

i guess my issue is that she doesnt respect my wishes about this one topic. maybe im just a nicer person? i know if she said "all those fck buddy stories kindof annoy me" i would drop them in a second

and if i really wanted to i could tell her some past exploits, but i have more respect for her than that.

and the real kicker is that after countless (literally countless) request to can all of the old sex talk, she kept right at it. in one ear out the other.

and the fact that its about her sexual past just makes it that much more of a senitive topic. it would be a lot easier to hear the stories if they were of something mundane - like if she had a dol collection or talked about shoes all the time.

i know shes no virgin - im fine with that. but why bring it up over and over and over? just leads me to belive there is some other factors at work in her head... theres honesty then theres this

Quote:

Originally Posted by InSearchOfAnswers

Thanks for the reply

i guess my issue is that she doesn't respect my wishes about this one topic. maybe im just a nicer person? i know if she said "all those fck buddy stories kind of annoy me" i would drop them in a second

and if i really wanted to i could tell her some past exploits, but i have more respect for her than that.

and the real kicker is that after countless (literally countless) request to can all of the old sex talk, she kept right at it. in one ear out the other.

and the fact that its about her sexual past just makes it that much more of a sensitive topic. it would be a lot easier to hear the stories if they were of something mundane - like if she had a doll collection or talked about shoes all the time.

i know shes no virgin - I'm fine with that. but why bring it up over and over and over? just leads me to believe there is some other factors at work in her head... theres honesty then theres this

I see nothing but problems here, not from the fact she has been honest but the fact that she is comfortable talking about her past in a matter of fact manner, while your personality is that you can respect she has a past but are bothered by talking about it. You both seem to be pretty honest but have different personality types that are in contention on at a minimum this level. From my personal experiences while you might feel the problem is only with this topic that fact remains she is who she is, and you are who you are. There will be lots of other things as time goes on as well. You can't expect her to change who she is to suit you, nor should she expect you to change to suit her. If you aren't completely comfortable with her over her frankness then maybe it's a sign she isn't quite right for you.