Ask Me Help Desk - Invited to Shower, not Wedding

HI.. My nephew is getting married soon, and unfortunately a lot of people are feeling hurt by the choices that are being made. The bride is planning on inviting people to a shower but not to the wedding. Does this seem odd to anyone else? I love my nephew very much and want them to be very happy, but so many things they are doing is hurting people. My sister for one, the mother of the Groom. I would like to suggest to them since they feel they do not have the money for a wedding (even though many of us have offered our help) perhaps since they feel they must wed now... they should elope. Then send an announcement of their vows. I know I would send a present to the happy couple because of who they are even though they eloped, and it would stop all the bickering and hassle and hurt feelings that are going around to so many involved? Any suggestions?

First the BRIDE should not be inviting ANYONE to a shower. A bridal shower is usually hosted by the maid/matron of honor or mother of the bride. THEY are the ones doing the inviting. They may consult the bride, but its not the bride who invites.

When I was getting married, we could not afford to invite all the people we wanted to to the wedding. So we had a more informal (less expensive) engagement party to celebrate our happiness with those friends who had to be left off the list.

It helps.. that is what I said too (the bride shouldn't be inviting people to the shower) but I got a statement that I was old fashioned... I will suggest this.. I think it is a great idea!!

I agree that the bride isn't supposed to throw her own shower. Scott's idea of a laid back engagement party is good. Are they having a reception?

Well a lot of couples who do private weddings, or very small weddings, do often invite a lot more people to the wedding shower. I may not alwaays agree but it is a more modern custom.

Bu as noted the bride should not be inviting anyone, but be a quest at the shower given by someone for her. It is even common sometimes for people at work maybe to give her one shower and then the bride maid the onter one.

It is not appropriate for a bride or her mother to host a wedding shower and if there's no wedding reception, having a shower at all is inappropriate. Only wedding guests should be invited to the shower if there is one.

If I were Queen of the wedding planners (what a thankless job that would be... yikes!), I would arrange a courthouse wedding for just immediate family followed by a nice restaurant dinner for that small group of people, hosted by the bride's parents. About a week later,I would have an outdoor reception or see if there's a friend who lives in a condo or apartment that has a nice party room, or something of that nature, and I would have a simple, relatively informal reception with a self-serve buffet meal. If the food tastes good and is plentiful, people don't care how fancy the presentation is. A lot of people preffer less fancy food. Put some inexpensive cut flowers in cheap, plain glass vases on the tables and perhaps rent just some nice tablecloths and napkins from the local rental place.

My sister had a wedding reception on the rooftop of an apartment building that had a pool and party area. Her friend lived in the building, and had to pay only $25 to use the space and promise to clean up afterwards. They ordered a spiral ham, grilled chicken, rolls, roasted vegetables and roasted potatoes for their 50 guests and had a keg of beer, pop, bottled water and wine. Both families pitched in and nobody spent more than about $300.

My sister wore a beautiful gown and her husband wore a tuxedo for the ceremony and for pictures. They then changed into comfortable clothing more fitting for a pool party - my sister had a really cute white eyelet sundress and her husband put on a nice white shirt and khaki shorts. They were both barefoot. Some people even went swimming.

I should say that this was her second wedding, and both she and I had huge, elaborate, very expensive first weddings. Her second wedding was so relaxed and fun, we both found we liked it better.

I mean, just the flowers alone - I contributed those which involved ordering about 400 tea roses, a few orchids and some greens and putting them in mason jars. I put organza ribbn on the jars. The whole deal cost about $60. We put a few candles on each table - low ones that were in smaller jars, also wrapped in ribbon, which cost another $30. So for around $100 we had flowers and candles that were every bit as pleasant to look at while we ate as the $3,000 in flowers we had at our formal weddings.

The guests - especially the men - loved that they could show up at a wedding in golf shorts and be comfortable.

It was very romantic under the starlight. Friends of the groom provided music - one played CDs, another played guitar later in the evening. It was lovely.

We had outdoor tables that were already there and they didn't need table cloths. Those can be rented though.

Only friends of the bride should be hosting a shower and the fact that the bride and the mother are hosting it is really in poor taste.

To compound their bad manners they are inviting people to the shower and not to the wedding? That doesn't work in my book or any other book out there. If they cannot afford to have you at the reception then she shouldn't invite you to the shower either. Even as I write these words I am laughing at the absurdity of that! You are family and should be included for crying out loud. Ditch the shower and don't send a gift. A wedding and shower are a celebration, not a way to collect gifts. If family was important to this tacky bridezilla then she would have compromised on the reception so that all important friends and family could be there. TACKYYYY

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amazed

HI.. My nephew is getting married soon, and unfortunately a lot of people are feeling hurt by the choices that are being made. The bride is planning on inviting people to a shower but not to the wedding. Does this seem odd to anyone else? I love my nephew very much and want them to be very happy, but so many things they are doing is hurting people. My sister for one, the mother of the Groom. I would like to suggest to them since they feel they do not have the money for a wedding (even though many of us have offered our help) perhaps since they feel they must wed now... they should elope. Then send an announcement of their vows. I know I would send a present to the happy couple because of who they are even though they eloped, and it would stop all the bickering and hassle and hurt feelings that are going around to so many involved? Any suggestions?

Ok I may have misread. Are they not having a wedding and reception? If they are not having one at all I can definitely see you attending the shower. Still stand firm on the fact that it is not the Bride's role to host her own shower.