Our friend is seeing a man going through a divorce. His divorce won't be finalized for another few months. We don't think he or his wife had set up for a separation, just right into the divorce. We think the man should wait until the divorce is final before involving our friend. We have seen a few red flags and have tried to tell her, but she says we're wrong. Question one: Shouldn't he be divorced before dating someone? Question two: Do you think we could call the wife to ask if there is anything about her husband we should know to warn our friend? Question three: If we called his wife and she told her attorney, could this hurt the man during the divorce proceedings? We just want to make sure this guy is OK and not a smooth talker. We've known our friend for many, many years and look out for one another. Thanks for any advice.

OK, wait a minute! Focus on the "they want to get married when his divorce is final" part. They haven't been dating long enough to know anything about each other! How old are they? I've been through something similar and learned with all relationships, there is a honeymoon stage-every one acts nicey nicey and they don't let true colors show. Also, if he is dating this soon after a split, HE hasn't had time to deal with his own personal BS!
I don't think calling the ex will get you anywhere. Try to get her to promise that she'll give it a year after the ink is dry...

In the nicest possible way your friend will never forgive you if you do this.It really is not your place and as "friends" you really need to trust her judgement , but there for her if it goes wrong.

I am "soon to be divorced" and I will quite happily tell you that if my my "ex husbands" girlfriend or her "friends" called me all they would receive is the sharp end of my tongue , these times are hard enough without people requesting - with good intention or not what a suitable suitor an ex makes.Please do not upset the ex wife or your friend during what are already "trying" times.

We have tried talking to her. This is one reason why we are concerned. We even talked to her family and they said they (our friend and the man) have been talking getting married soon after they began dating.. 3.5 months ago. They are both 45+. Our friend has never been married. The guy is quick with an answer when you ask him anything and we all see some 'red flags'. We are feeling very uneasy. We thought that by talking to his wife, we could put aside that uneasiness. What is this is a pattern of his? What if he has been doing this throughout his marriage? Our friend will an emotional wreck if this guy is not for real. Thanks for your help!

She's old enough to reap what she sows. The more you push her, the more fuel this guy will have against you and she may choose him over you guys. Back off, recommend pre-marital counseling, be a good and supportive friend no matter what.

I can understand your concerns and yes I would be worried however I still do not think either your friend or the ex wife will thank you for getting involved.

Hope all goes well just be there for your friend.

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Originally Posted by louie1

In the nicest possible way your friend will never forgive you if you do this.It really is not your place and as "friends" you really need to trust her judgement , but there for her if it goes wrong.

I am "soon to be divorced" and i will quite happily tell you that if my my "ex husbands" girlfriend or her "friends" called me all they would receive is the sharp end of my tounge , these times are hard enough without people requesting - with good intention or not what a suitable suitor an ex makes.Please do not upset the ex wife or your friend during what are already "trying" times.

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I totally understand what you are saying, louie1. I can see how it could be very difficult for the soon-to-be ex-wife to get a call like this. According to our friend, both the wife and husband want the divorce. Neither are contesting it. Yes, we could hope that our friend is making the right decision.. but, we have already caught him in a couple of 'semi-minor' fibs to our friend when he had no reason to fib. We told our friend.. she asked him about it.. he fibbed again (when he had the chance to correct himself!).. so she believes him.

Your friend is dating a married man.

She's in for some devastation regardless of whether he's on the up-and-up.

She needs to wait until his divorce is final before she starts planning a life with him.

Thanks for your advise, ladies. <heavy sigh> I'm the intuitive one of the group and I have felt that there is something very wrong from the very beginning. Yes, she's old enough to know better.. but, she has never been married and this guy just sort of swooped in and swept her off his feet. "Me thinks" he has done this many times before. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so. :-(

Does this fool have a steady job? Does your friend have low self esteem? Bad combo. Does he have an excuse for everything and it is NEVER his fault? You know, you can run a background check on him yourself...

Delilah I have to ask - just for sanity the man sounds just like my husband - which country are you?

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Your friend is dating a married man.

She's in for some devastation regardless of whether or not he's on the up-and-up.

She needs to wait until his divorce is final before she starts planning a life with him.

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I totally agree, Synnen. The guy is the one who is pushing for it! He buys her gifts a few times a week... takes her out to dinner 6 out of 7 nights... and is way too demonstartive in public with her (we've witnessed it far too many times). It's not like he is a kid. It's awkward for others to watch. Anyway's something doesn't ring true.

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Originally Posted by louie1

Delilah i have to ask - just for sanity the man sounds just like my husband - which country are you?

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I'm in the U.S.. . no worries. BTW, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a divorce.

All you can do is express your concerns to your friend, then back off and allow her to run her own life while being supportive as possible. She may be making a mistake, or she may not, but if she feels her friends aren't supportive it may make her stay in a bad situation if it becomes that way.

Contacting his ex-wife is not only a bad idea, but it's not your place to do. Besides, what guarantees do you have that SHE will be honest?

Someone once told me that when your best friend and her husband split up you should NEVER bad-mouth her husband because if she goes back to him you may lose your friendship. I think this is a similar situation. Don't bad mouth her boyfriend, but do express your concerns. As I said, if you are her friend, then you must assure her that you will support whatever decisions she makes even though you don't agree with them. It's her life and decisions and true love is acceptance.

Hugs, Didi

Thanks Didi. :-) We haven't bad-mouthed her boyfriend (?) ever. We're very careful. When we found out he was untruthful about a couple of things, we said something to the effect.. "Oh, he must have forgotten ... he really did this last ....", or whatever. We keep things in a happy tone with her. She just broke off a 10 year relationship with a boyfriend.. more like a long friendship that never went anywheres. They would just see one another once or twice a week, at most. The day that ended, this guy swooped in. There are some other strange things that had happened, but I probably shouldn't go into them here.

Someone else here suggested that I do a background check on him. I did, on my own. But, like one person at the courthouse had told me, " ... even if nothing shows up here, you have to find out other ways about what type of 'character' this person has. Do you know any of his friends?" Well, no, we/I don't. That's when we thought about contacting the wife. Oh well.

Do you have reason not to trust your friend's judgement?

It is nice you want to look out for your friend, but if she is an adult, she can make her own decisions about who she wishes to date - regardless of what you think is "right" or "wrong".

I don't think asking the guy's ex-wife about him would be something that could be used later in court, but I do think both the guy and your friend would view it as meddling in business that is not your own.

I had this happen, sorda... My soon to be ex's girlfriend called me out of the blue wanting to have lunch. I told her no way was that happening. She wanted to know more about him because she was thinking about getting an apartment with him and they were getting more serous. My response was "good for you." I was still in my "don't give any information away stage" and I thought that she was trying to get info for him, until she said he never talked about the marriage and if she would bring it up he would change the subject or tell her he didn't know why it fell apart it just did. She asked if I was willing to tell her what happened. I said "sure, you started sleeping with my husband." I hung up after that but I know that he didn't stay with her for long.

I wasn't happy nor did I like the fact that she called, but I give her points for asking before things got deeper. I can't say if I would have cared if her friends called to see what kind of person he was, but remember its one side of the story, his is the other. It takes two people to make and break a marriage. Things could be completely different with your friend and this guy than they were with him and his ex-wife.

My thought how many times has he been married? How long did it last? If the answer is once for 15 years, that tells you something. If the answer is 4times about a year or two each time, that tells you another.

Hope I helped.

Mind Your Own Business.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Mind Your Own Business.

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Wish we could, but this is a friend of 40+ years for a couple of us. You don't throw true friends of that many years to the wolves. Are you from New York? Sorry, had to ask.

Hi Delihah -

Frienship means being there to listen during the difficult times - Given advice when asked -Sharing laughs - celebrating the good times - and being that strong shoulder for when things do not go well.

Be there for your friend - and trust that she will make the best possible choice. Sometimes we can not prevent heartaches from happening for those we care about - but our most imporant role - is just to be there when needed.

Don't make your role of friendship any more difficult that it needs to be. Just be ready when needed. And do not pick up that phone to call anyone. Save your energy for when your friend needs that strong shoulder and listening ear.

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Originally Posted by Delilah P

Wish we could, but this is a friend of 40+ years for a couple of us. You don't throw true friends of that many years to the wolves. Are you from New York? Sorry, had to ask.

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It's good that you care about your friend. Talk to her, tell her what you see happening and how you hope she will not be fooled by a smooth-talking fool. If she listens to you, great, but if not, even friends have to let friends do unwise things and make bad choices. You are not throwing her to the wolves if she chooses to dance with wolves. What your friend chooses to do is your business, to the degree that you care about her. What his wife thinks of him is definitely NOT your business.

No, I am not from New York.