Ask Me Help Desk - Crazy friend!

Ok, I have this friend that I feel is going crazy!! She is a mess, and as much as I'd like to help her. She really isn't going to get help, intell she is ready to help herself. So please help with any thoughts or suggestions. This girl is 33 years old and has a drinking problem. I've wrote previous post about her parenting and such. But in any case, I've really been trying to focus on my own life. I want to be there for her as a friend, but I have a lot going on in my own life... Kids, husband, new house, pregnancy, School, work, etc... We all have our own lifes too. Well I haven't heard from her in about a month... And about a week ago she writes me a email to tell me she has court for her 2nd DUI tomorrow... So I write her back a brief email and I just say "Well it will be nice for you to get your sentence, and move forward with making things better! good luck!" Then at the bottom of the email I write "so I've been in a lot of pain, I could deliver my baby any day! My custody court hearing won't be heard tell later this summer." I just wanted to see IF she even cared about me. Cause she NEVER asks about any thing in my life and always calls when she needs me to come pick her up, or take care of her son. She never ask's about anything. Not even if she interupted something when I have to make a dash to go get her from some were. So I've been feeling like I need to break ties the last few months cause this is a one sided friendship?? And honestly after not hearing from her for a month thought I could slowly break away. Well yesterday she called my cell phone 6 times and my home 4 or 5. I never answer any of the calls thinking... OK, she will leave a message and she can just wait a little while for me to get back, cause I wasn't feeling well. And honestly thought that since she hasn't called in a month that maybe it would dawn on her that I was busy with something or perhaps in the hospital giving birth... Well later when I was getting ready for bed I listened to her message. She said "I am having the worst day... My dad won't talk to me at all, the courts said I could be in jail for up to a year. And now you aren't even ansering your phone.. WHAT EVER!!!! I need someone here for ME..." I was totally out raged... I didn't answer my phone and it instead of leaving a message that she was having a bad day and call her when I get a chance. Maybe a small "I hope things are good with you, maybe you are in labor or busy?" I felt like I got chewed out for not jumping at her beck and call again... I am feeling that I shouldn't call back at all, just let things go. Am I being mean??
Sorry this got so long, just needed to vent. Any advise would be great!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinkerbell77

Ok, I have this friend that I feel is going crazy!!! She is a mess, and as much as I'd like to help her. She really isn't going to get help, intell she is ready to help herself. So please help with any thoughts or suggestions. This girl is 33 years old and has a drinking problem. I've wrote previous post about her parenting and such. But in any case, I've really been trying to focus on my own life. I want to be there for her as a friend, but I have a lot going on in my own life... Kids, husband, new house, pregnancy, School, work, ect... We all have our own lifes too. Well I havn't heard from her in about a month.... And about a week ago she writes me a email to tell me she has court for her 2nd DUI tomorrow... So I write her back a breif email and I just say "Well it will be nice for you to get your sentence, and move forward with making things better! good luck!" Then at the bottom of the email I write "so I've been in a lot of pain, I could deliver my baby any day! My custody court hearing won't be heard tell later this summer." I just wanted to see IF she even cared about me. Cause she NEVER asks about any thing in my life and always calls when she needs me to come pick her up, or take care of her son. She never ask's about anything. Not even if she interupted something when I have to make a dash to go get her from some were. So I've been feeling like I need to break ties the last few months cause this is a one sided friendship????? And honestly after not hearing from her for a month thought I could slowly break away. Well yesterday she called my cell phone 6 times and my home 4 or 5. I never answer any of the calls thinking.... ok, she will leave a message and she can just wait a little while for me to get back, cause I wasn't feeling well. And honestly thought that since she hasn't called in a month that maybe it would dawn on her that I was busy with something or perhaps in the hospital giving birth.... Well later when I was getting ready for bed I listened to her message. She said "I am having the worst day... My dad won't talk to me at all, the courts said I could be in jail for up to a year. And now you aren't even ansering your phone.. WHAT EVER!!!! I need someone here for ME..." I was totally out raged.... I didn't answer my phone and it instead of leaving a message that she was having a bad day and call her when i get a chance. Maybe a small "I hope things are good with you, maybe you are in labor or busy?" I felt like I got chewed out for not jumping at her beck and call again... I am feeling that I shouldn't call back at all, just let things go. Am I being mean????
Sorry this got so long, just needed to vent. Any advise would be great!!!!

A truly caring person can't just turn off their caring. I figure you know that well enough. I understand what it is like to be in a friendship where the other person is just taking and taking and draining you of your emotional well being.
What needs done in your situation? I think you need to be strong and sit her down and tell her again that she needs to get help. If she again refuses, tell her that you are always going to care about her, but that you cannot continue giving her support until she is willing to get help and really try to make changes in her life. Explain to her that you need to be able to focus on your family and the things going on in your own life. She probably won't understand and will be mad at you, but she really needs to hit rock bottom before she is going to realize that she needs help. Probably giving her emotional support has been unintentionally enabling her to continue in her ways. Ask her not to call, or contact you again until she is ready to get help.. Make sure she knows that once she is at the point where she is serious about change, you will be more than happy to help her through the changes.

That is great advise... I do care, it's just draining!! That is a good way to put it! It get's more draining when she doesn't realize we all have life issues and can't always drop everything for her. Especially when I feel she has brought her issues upon herself... The DUI's and drinking. I know she will be mad no matter how I handle it. I will definatlly sit her down and talk to her about getting help again. I told her before that if she didn't want to get help for herself, she should for her son... but that was right before she got a 2nd DUI. On the way home from her court hearing for her first DUI. It was actually a blessing in discise that she totalled her car with the second DUI, cause now she can't drive around with out a licence and drunk!!
Thanks for the input!! Any more suggestions are greatly appreciated!

This may sound rough but this person is an alcoholic, you have children and are about to have another. What would be loving to her, caring and would also be protective of you and your needs would be to simply tell her, "I will be here for you when you are sober but as long as you are still drinking, and blaming others for the problems in your life, I cannot be a part of your life. I find that the good parts of our friendships have been drowned by your drinking problem and until I know that is going to change, I do not want to get hurt any longer by your behavior." If she wants to know more about it or gets mad, too bad. It's off the table until she's sober.

Great advise from everyone!! I talked to her, and told her I could be here for her if she wants to get help. I told her I completely support her in that desition. But tell then I have a family and many things in my own life to tend to right now. She isn't talking to me... But I said what I had to say weather she was mad or not... Thanks for everyone's support and advise.