Ask Me Help Desk - What can I do?

Hi guys. I wanted to see if anyone could give me some advice. I feel so angry, frustrated, sad, yet I know this is what I should do. So I was in a relationship with my ex for a year and a half. When we met, he worked. A week into the relationship he lost his job for xy reason. I helped him apply to other jobs and made him a resume so he could start again. Very important for him to do so because he has 3 kids and needs to pay child support. So 2 months into the relationship, I found out I got accepted into dental school in another state so I would have to move. I was 20 at the time and he was 30. He was down to move. I ended up moving 4 months later and he moved with me. My father had to help me put my apartment together because it was expensive and I didn't have enough money for everything. My ex didn't put a single penny and I got into debt (4k) with my grandpa because my dad was asking my ex put half the money into moving since he was my boyfriend and was going to move in with me. Since my boyfriend didn't work, he didn't have money and couldn't pay so I had to ask my grandpa for money and lie to my dad that that money my boyfriend was giving it. Eventually the time came and my boyfriend went to move in. I'm a dental student so I don't have time to work so I paid everything with loans. In the whole year that we lived together, my boyfriend didn't work one single day. I paid for everything. I even sent money to his kids sometimes. I sent money to his mom when she was struggling and paid for his phone. I bought him the best PlayStation and a whole mess of games. He pressured me into buying this for him. I thought he would eventually work but never did. Two months ago, I told him I was going to give him his last chance. I gave him 2 weeks to work and he still didn't. We broke up finally yesterday, doesn't live with me anymore. We had actually been having a long distance for a month because he had a family emergency and had to go back home. I sound so stupid but I'm actually sad and mad that he never worked and valued me and now I can't be with the person who I cared so much about. It's all so complicated but I can't be with someone who doesn't show me he cares. What do you guys think? Please let me know so I can we other people's opinions.

You don't need other peoples opinions. You already know he took you for a lot. A lot of money, time and caring. Do what you haved to do. Move on and enjoy your new career and live life the way you should. Free and easy without complications of someone not worthy of your time.

I agree with Tickle. Instead of being sad and mad, be proud of yourself for making a difficult decision but making a decision that is best for you and your future. You may not be able to see this now, but had you stayed with him the place you would be in 5 or 10 years potentially would not be a happy place. Relationships are a partnership of giving. He was a taker and stayed on your financial coat tails as long as you would allow it. So slam the door on that chapter of your life and proceed full speed ahead on the next one. In my opinion you are on a very good path.

I remembered your story, so looked at your request for advice 8 months ago.... you didn't respond then, and you ask again as though none of us existed.

As far as I am concerned, you are on your own. I suppose that I'm sorry that you lost so much money... but not really, since you didn't listen to any of us.

From August of last year.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Let's see he has run out on his mom, and his kids, quits many jobs, and you think he deserves another chance with YOU? Sorry your parents are correct, he is using you, and you let him. Trusting someone with his track record is FOOLISH! That makes your love even more foolish after seeing first hand his character after only 6 months.

Guess you have to learn your lesson the really hard way.

Quote:

It's all so complicated but I can't be with someone who doesn't show me he cares. What do you guys think?

I think you finally learned the hard way. Took a while, but you finally are STARTING to get it. Good riddance right?

You're so quick to judge. I guess you don't know what it is to be in love, hard headed, and not want to listen to the truth. Don't take it personal. We've all been there.

I cannot judge you because I have been there, and done that, and the emotional consequences were downright terrible, made worse with the FINANCIAL burdens of being young, in love, and hard headed. It took years to get the debts under control, and manageable, and the resentments built up long after the relationship was over. So easy to blame a lazy partner who said they cared, but did not and to be honest it was MY denial all the time that kept me from seeing I had as much blame as she did, maybe more. There were enough red flags very early that showed her words and actions didn't match, but of course I ignored them because I was so hopeful, or in love or whatever, hardheaded is the word you used, and it described ME to the "T"!

The real truth is I was in DENIAL, and even after the break up I still couldn't believe I went willingly down a bad path with this woman, that needed so much and I thought being in love I was supposed to help anyway I could. I know exactly how you feel right now after giving 110% and having not a darn thing but bills to show for it. I know about learning the hard way very well. I also learned the hard way about cutting contact completely and getting my house in order as I recovered from this devastating low point in my life.

The good news is that you are hardly alone, as such blind devotion to love happens to nearly everyone, especially when we are young. I didn't listen to anyone back then either, and things did indeed get much worse, much the same as your situation.

Now you can sit in your own shat and be mad at the ones that were telling you all along that this whole thing was a bad idea, or you can take your new found freedom in a healthy direction and rise above the misery you find yourself in, and work through it to do better. Start by being honest with yourself, as nothing worse than making a mistake of the heart and NOT acknowledging it and putting it on everybody else. Then be honest with others and settle your affairs, especially those you flat out lied to. Don't expect sloppy instant forgiveness, because you HURT THEM, as you hurt yourself by lying in the first place.

So you see, I'm not judging you, nor is anyone else. I think you might be judging yourself, and that may get you to forgive yourself, and do better. Takes time, so be patient with yourself. You are hardly the first person to give all your heart to someone that doesn't deserve it.

You won't be the last either and may have to pass this lesson on to someone else if indeed you have LEARNED from your own mistake.

Seriously, think you are unique in having been through this? We've all been "young and dumb", and some cases been through it more than once before the lesson sunk into our skulls.

Being thick headed can be a plus, or a minus. Here it's a minus. It is what it is, and you aren't going to change who the other person is. You can decide to stop wasting time you will never get back. Or you can throw time away while other people are finding their life partners and becoming unavailable. Your choice. Realizing you made a huge mistake is never easy for anyone, but you do need to be willing to see when you do.

It's a lesson everyone learns a some point, when toforget and forgive, and when to forget and move on. Not everyone has the same threshold.

I doubt that anyone here is taking it personally, LOL - we don't know you!
You're the one losing thousands of dollars, not us!
Yes, I've done stupid things for love, and one or two cost money, but I'm 70 now, and it's waaaaaaaaay behind me.