Ask Me Help Desk - I'm just being selfish, right?

I'm sure all of you have better things to do than read my complaining~ :o

Lately I've been feeling very... stressed out? I don't know. But sometimes I just think that being dead is just so much easier than having to go through and deal with what happens in life. I'm too scared of the actual concept of killing myself though, so I suppose you can say that I'm not in danger of suiciding. It's just that I can't really find a good reason to me that can justify why I'm even still alive right now, even though I know full-well that if I died, three of my very close friends would probably? Be sad about it. And when I'm feeling like this, I really don't care what they would feel... I've talked to them a couple times about this (this sort of feeling has hit me at least once a month for the past six, at least) and they make sure that I know how they feel about this. I suppose I have low self-esteem, which is why I feel like this so often?. I love my friends so much, but I still can't see past myself--

I know I should take the feelings of who will be impact if I did decide to want to die--for real, but I'm just too wrapped in myself to actually care what they think... I don't know how I'm supposed to react and make myself magically not feel this way--ever. I wish I did and could.

Could someone please tell me the "magic way"? :o

It's really hard when your hurting, sad, feeling lonely, and thinking of death to worry how other's might feel. Sometimes it just feel overwhelming. I hate that you feel that way. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone I know. Being suicidal (or having persistent thoughts of suicide) is very hard and tiring. If you could wish yourself well... no one would be depressed/suicidal. Feeling this way is not "too wrapped up in myself". It is a very real pain. Unfortunately, no one said life would be fair. There is no "magic way". It will require a bit of work on your part but help is out there... You may choose counseling, talking to someone you trust, support groups, etc. Having these feelings for so long is telling you it's time to take action. I truly hope you give this serious thought. Cathy

Some of us would probably like to know the 'magic way' too, but we just stress, depress, get out of it and on with it and carry on with our lives.It will do no good me saying = get a hobby - get a life - get a new job, because when it all comes down to it, we all do just what we want to do anyway. But most of us can pull ourselves out of a blue funk and treat that as an accomplishment.

I would consider going to counseling, finding a counselor that works for you... is a support for you... and really listens to you... it is a good way to get out of your cycle that doesn't seem to be getting better right now. Did something happen 6 months ago that triggered this?

Ah, thank you all so much for replying. :) It makes me feel happy~ And also not blaming me for anything as well.

Talking to my friends about this does help a lot--it makes me much happier after I'm done <3--but I don't want to be leaning on them all the time. It makes me feel guilty for being the weak one who always needs someone else's support. I wouldn't want someone coming to me for help all the time, I think, though since that hasn't happened to me yet, I wouldn't know. :o

In any case... my parents have always said not to actually go out and talk/write about anything if you're having a "bad day" because you'll regret it later (whoops... ), it being held against you as a suspect or something, so... I don't like to write down what I feel anymore and don't like to talk to people about stuff either.

YeloDasy: That's kind of part of the problem. When I'm thinking back, I really can't think of any major events in my life that would make any other people sad... It's kind of a of-the-moment thing that lasts for a bit.. Now that I write it, it sounds really stupid to be sad just randomly...

I went through the same thing as you, and I thought, if I did, I know a lot of people who would be really sad. So I tried my best to get through every day, I talked to my friends, and I tried too get out of the house more often and go out with my friends.

I tried to stop thinking of it, even though I was so depressed all the time and couldn't shake it, but eventually it stopped and I realized, why completely stop living, when you could try to live your life and have fun. I guess my advice is to get out a little more, try to have fun... [my friends were also getting annoyed by me completely spilling my emotions on them all the time]

It is not stupid to be sad... and I do know people who think writing thigs down will cause them regret later, but I disagree. I am a counselor and I know that writing has helped many people, for many different reasons. SOmetimes writing helps you realize things you didn't know before, like looking back at a journal may help you learn what triggers things... and just because it doesn't make someone else sad, doesn't mean that it isn't a problem for YOU! No one is the same, so please do not compare yourself to others. I would still recommend seeking counseling, even if it is once, you want to rule out having this be a chemical issue (depression) or something that you can work through on your own. Going once can help with that decision.
I think it is great that you are on here talking about it. And keep talking to your friends... they should love you and helo you unconditionally! But mix in a little fun too! They are there to help you get through it, as well... give you some releif from the sadness! :) Keep talking and writing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amaryllis

Ah, thank you all so much for replying. :) It makes me feel happy~ And also not blaming me for anything as well.

Talking to my friends about this does help a lot--it makes me much happier after I'm done <3--but I don't want to be leaning on them all the time. It makes me feel guilty for being the weak one who always needs someone else's support. I wouldn't want someone coming to me for help all the time, I think, though since that hasn't happened to me yet, I wouldn't know. :o

In any case...my parents have always said not to actually go out and talk/write about anything if you're having a "bad day" because you'll regret it later (whoops....), it being held against you as a suspect or something, so...I don't like to write down what I feel anymore and don't like to talk to people about stuff either.

YeloDasy: That's kind of part of the problem. When I'm thinking back, I really can't think of any major events in my life that would make any other people sad...It's kind of a of-the-moment thing that lasts for a bit...? Now that I write it, it sounds really stupid to be sad just randomly...

I disagree with your parents telling you not to talk or write about your feelings even if it is just one bad day. When feelings get built up in side you it causes stress and/or depression which is bad for your health and can even be deadly. These problems that don't seem major could be all those little things built up inside you. Too many little things can become a major thing. Please trust me on this. I was raised in a family that didn't share our feelings. In fact my mother laughed at me many times when I tried talking to her about my problems or feelings. When I was too embarrassed to talk to her I started going to a school counselor, she betrayed my trust so I began writing my feelings down in the form of short stories or poetry, that helped a lot. My mother would search my room while I was at school, find them then use it against me. Eventually I stopped talking and writing and suppressed my feelings from everyone. At age 31 I became so depressed, I hated myself and everyone around me. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I just wanted to die. If not for my son being left with out a mother I would have finally given in to killing myself. I chose to go to counseling and found that there were years of built up feelings I had inside of me that I didn't know I had and didn't know how to express them. You would think getting all these feelings out would be a relieve but at first it was just the opposite. I felt drained. I would leave the counselors office and throw up. My head would be pounding and I started having panic attacks. For ten months two days a week I talked to a counselor till I had nothing else to talk about and felt that I could finally have a life. All those years of suppressing my feelings was not worth what I had to go through. Don't let that happen to you too.

Well, there is no magic way. I used to feel stressed out too, low esteem etc. I just decided to change my life, we should control our feelings and not the other way around. I found inner peace by living for others, to be a friend for someone, to love and not to judge, not to make decisions based on how I feel, because feelings are subject to change, and to do what is right, always. You have no idea how good one can feel when you know you are doing the right thing

This is not good anyway! Thinking positive may be good for you! Don't show to the people you are weak! If you really want to die why you came in this world!