Ask Me Help Desk - Trying to understand my new relationship

Hey everyone! SO, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend since August. She is 32 and I am 34. We are both settled in out careers. The topic of marriage came up about two months ago and we both established what we are looking for at this point in our lives. We both eventually want to be married and have a family. I told her that I would be open to being engaged when I am finished with my PhD in a year and a half. She said that sounds fine.

I was chatting with her best friend the other night where I was informed that my girlfriend was actually a little annoyed that I wanted to wait a year and a half before getting engaged. My girlfriend doesn't know that I was talking to her best friend regarding this. After hearing this, I was having a casual conversation with my girlfriend and told her that I was willing to be engaged sooner if the relationship was progressing in a way that would allow for that to happen. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she had to wait too long to have children, especially since I do not want to be older and starting a family. She told me that sounded nice, but still feels we should take it slow and get to know one another better.

She also mentioned that she isn't going anywhere and that we are clearly both in this with the mindset of it being serious and long term. I didn't have an issue with that, but feel as if what she told her best friend is different from what she told me. Also, she has been going out of her way to spend weekends at my condo, and has cooked two large dinners this month for my entire family. I am also the only guy in the last 10 years that she has brought home to meet her parents and family. Her friends told me that she is so in love with me and they have never seen her act the way she does with a guy the way she acts with me.

Am I receiving mixed messages or just overthinking this?

Congratulations on presenting your question so thoughtfully! We don't always get one so well spoken...

Here's just one person's opinion (I am a woman): I think it's both a bit of mixed messages and a bit of overthinking. I can understand her thoughts as a 32 year old woman. I can understand that she might vent to her friend, and maybe overdo it, while still letting out those fears most women have in their 30s. I can believe that maybe she thought you were kind of stodgy and plodding about the relationship going forward, and secretly has visions of you eagerly bringing her flowers and a ring on bended knee, pleading with her to marry you, while you wait with trembling anticipation. I can believe that she was relieved to hear you say that you would be willing to be engaged sooner, relieved enough to say 'Oh that's OK; I don't mind waiting.'

It isn't just women in their 30s with a clock ticking. Almost all women like steps that progress, and even steps that are planned together in advance, preferably with some amount of eagerness on the part of the man.

If you celebrate Christmas, I would give her a necklace, and say "This is practice, hopefully, for the day when I can give you a ring." That's what I would do. But I'm not a man.

I will admit that I was a bit in shock hearing her response... almost as if I was being punched in the gut.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe2982

Hey everyone! SO, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend since August. She is 32 and I am 34. We are both settled in out careers. The topic of marriage came up about two months ago and we both established what we are looking for at this point in our lives. We both eventually want to be married and have a family. I told her that I would be open to being engaged when I am finished with my PhD in a year and a half. She said that sounds fine. I was chatting with her best friend the other night where I was informed that my girlfriend was actually a little annoyed that I wanted to wait a year and a half before getting engaged. My girlfriend doesn't know that I was talking to her best friend regarding this. After hearing this, I was having a casual conversation with my girlfriend and told her that I was willing to be engaged sooner if the relationship was progressing in a way that would allow for that to happen. I told her that I didn't want her to feel as if she had to wait too long to have children, especially since I do not want to be older and starting a family. She told me that sounded nice, but still feels we should take it slow and get to know one another better. She also mentioned that she isn't going anywhere and that we are clearly both in this with the mindset of it being serious and long term. I didn't have an issue with that, but feel as if what she told her best friend is different from what she told me. Also, she has been going out of her way to spend weekends at my condo, and has cooked two large dinners this month for my entire family. I am also the only guy in the last 10 years that she has brought home to meet her parents and family. Her friends told me that she is so in love with me and they have never seen her act the way she does with a guy the way she acts with me. Am I receiving mixed messages or just overthinking this?

I don't think it is a mixed message but that different takes on the same message.

Everyone has someone they can vent and complain to. A lot of what is said is just venting, which is reflecting the present anger, annoyance, or frustrations. It might not represent deep feelings but surface feelings that come and go. Once gone your GF probably didn't think much about it. She isn't expecting you to know about this conversation to be honest.

My wife and I were at about your age when we got together. We Dated for a year before we were married. We pretty much knew after a couple months that we were meant to be together. Your GF is probably happy that there is commitment, but the time frame isn't perfect but she accepts that nothing is.

IF you feel that this is your forever relationship, talk to her about it. Explain why you're waiting until your done your phd. Maybe there is a way to get engage before that with the understand of when the wedding would be. Maybe decide on a timeline that you're both comfortable with.

I'm just afraid of losing her, which I hope isn't the case.

HUH? In shock over WHAT response?
Afraid of losing her WHY?
You sounded so articulate and together and insightful. Now you sound like a totally different person.

I'm just not sure why she would be annoyed that I suggested waiting, yet tell me that's. Nice and just shrug it off when I suggested not waiting

I'm afraid that by me saying what I said to her, it might show me trying to rush things which could freak her out

Please read my first response again. I addressed that discrepancy!

[I read a post from 6 years ago, about losing a girlfriend named Carolina. OK, so you aren't as together as I thought, even though I'll bet you have matured a lot since then. It does sound like you tend to panic over fear of loss. What do you say?]

You are absolutely right... always had that fear of loss. Not sure how to overcome that, regardless of how much I've matured and grown.

Try my 2 part plan:
FORCE the fears down as the means to a goal: keeping her.
WORK on the positive trait of pride in your strength in the face of your fears.

This may sound corny but it isn't. Say it out loud to yourself several times a day.
"I will put a lid on my fears so that I don't lose her. I will be proud of conquering my tendency."

(And read my suggestions again about being occasionally romantic, spontaneous, and eager.... not when discussing serious plans for the future. At totally out of the blue moments...)

By my count you have been together for 3 month or so, and that's not enough time to really know each other all that well yet, so of course you both may have fears (And thrills) that are normal and natural. Relax guy and enjoy learning more of each other and see if you can work together to overcome those obstacles mostly of communications that are still developing.

Just relax, go with the flow, and see what happens.

Quote:

You are absolutely right... always had that fear of loss. Not sure how to overcome that, regardless of how much I've matured and grown.

You overcome fear with courage, and KNOWLEDGE that you will carry on no matter what happens next. Self confidence is a good word.

I also feel you are overthinking this whole thing a bit (maybe both of you are), but that's normal when faced with the uncertainty of what will happen next. Keep talking and working together.

Good Luck, and relax and enjoy the process.

You haven't been together that long, so waiting to make a forever commitment is natural.

Having said that, I do agree that girls vent, and at her age she's probably hearing her biological clock ticking, and is hoping to get married soon and start a family. So her venting to her friend was likely just that, venting, and not actually saying "hey, I want him to propose now!"

Now, if you're upset about this, which you obviously are, and you really love this girl and do see a future with her as your wife, then one thing you have to learn to do is communicate. Talk to her about all of this, tell her what her friend said to you, and how you're now worried about it, and tell her that you love her but for you it's too soon to put a ring on her finger. If she runs away because of that, then how will she handle discussions about where to live, money issues, children, etc?

If you can't talk to her about this, than she's definitely not the one.