Hi All,

I'm from India and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend who had a boyfriend in past. I love her so much and she had told me about her past relationship. Our relationship was going well until I saw her Ex-boyfriend messages in whats-app. She never told me about that. What I saw was, her boyfriend asked her nude pics and he wanted to have sex with her and he told that he will love her only if she have sex with him. She was madly in love with him. She sent some nude pics and I'm not sure about whether she had sex or not. I just saw messages like "I'm getting our old memories when I saw that bed where we did everything" messaged by her boyfriend.

Now I couldn't leave her and at the same time I couldn't bear what I saw. Every time I'm thinking about that messages sent by her Ex-Boyfriend.

And about my girlfriend is she is madly in love with me and she totally forgot her Ex-boyfriend. Please guide me how to overcome this thought.

Your reward for SNOOPING is the torment you feel now. Live with it, learn from it, and never do it again.

She told you she had an ex. She was straightforward and honest. If you think she was supposed to tell you every intimate detail, you are very mistaken.

Keep one thing in mind - he is no longer her boyfriend. She loves YOU. What does that tell you?

Of course it's hard to get the images out of your mind, once you see them. There's no one who can tell you how to erase them mentally. My advice: think of it as strength. Prove to yourself that you will do it for the sake of her love. Besides, you will lose her if you continue to wallow in self pity. So force yourself for two reasons: one to prove your strength and maturity, and two to keep her.

It's called being adult.

If, after some months, you are still tormented, let her go for her sake. You won't treat her right if this controls your thoughts.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by joypulv

Your reward for SNOOPING is the torment you feel now. Live with it, learn from it, and never do it again.

She told you she had an ex. She was straightforward and honest. If you think she was supposed to tell you every intimate detail, you are very mistaken.

Keep one thing in mind - he is no longer her boyfriend. She loves YOU. What does that tell you?

Of course it's hard to get the images out of your mind, once you see them. There's no one who can tell you how to erase them mentally. My advice: think of it as strength. Prove to yourself that you will do it for the sake of her love. Besides, you will lose her if you continue to wallow in self pity. So force yourself for two reasons: one to prove your strength and maturity, and two to keep her.

It's called being adult.

If, after some months, you are still tormented, let her go for her sake. You won't treat her right if this controls your thoughts.

---

Hi joy!

If I could greenie you I would. This is EXACTLY what I wanted to say.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by joypulv

Your reward for SNOOPING is the torment you feel now. Live with it, learn from it, and never do it again.

She told you she had an ex. She was straightforward and honest. If you think she was supposed to tell you every intimate detail, you are very mistaken.

Keep one thing in mind - he is no longer her boyfriend. She loves YOU. What does that tell you?

Of course it's hard to get the images out of your mind, once you see them. There's no one who can tell you how to erase them mentally. My advice: think of it as strength. Prove to yourself that you will do it for the sake of her love. Besides, you will lose her if you continue to wallow in self pity. So force yourself for two reasons: one to prove your strength and maturity, and two to keep her.

It's called being adult.

If, after some months, you are still tormented, let her go for her sake. You won't treat her right if this controls your thoughts.

---

Well said.

I was able to give a greenie and did.

Here's a news flash. Most girls have ex-boyfriends.

So if you can't get over this one and ruin the relationship, get ready to do the same thing all over again.

Hi joy,

Thanks for your words. But how could I take that as my strength. Those words messaged by her Ex are still controlling me. I just imagined those words messaged by her Ex. Its really painful.

And one thing, I don't know whether she had sex with her Ex or not. Please tell me how can I know that from her.

Listen... what happened before you came along really is NO BUSINESS OF YOURS.

Try and view it that way... if you can't, then move along and don't get into another relationship with anyone else until you can.

Because honestly... she had a life before she met you... The universe doesn't revolve around you so most if not all other people will have had a previous relationship as well. If they are adults... then ALL almost certainly will have had a previous relationship.

The past is the past... its over, done, finished... until someone invents a time machine the past can't be changed. So what you do is ignore it. You man up and accept it. Because that's what adults do.

If she had sex or not is between them and none of your business. Plain and simple. What exactly would knowing accomplish anyway? At this rate its something else you would hold over here to find fault with, because you are not really emotionally ready to be in a relationship yet.

As was said.. she isn't with them anymore.. she's with you. If that isn't good enough... do her a favor and break it off and move on. Nobody deserves to be in a relationship where their partner is insanely jealous about anything or anyone. Man or woman. And I do offer that same advice to both men and women.

You have two choices, accept it and never bring it up, or continue until you destroy all trust and the relationship both. There really is no third option.

Seriously, everyone out there learns to deal with this....INCLUDING many people in arraigned marriages.

I am glad I didn't marry the first woman I dated...and I am glad I wasn't the only one my wife dated....because we both knew what good is as well as what bad is. And Nobody who has not dated a number of people can possibly know what good really is with no perspective. As good as that first one seems at the time...after a few others you learn how bad it really was.

Quote:

---

And one thing, I don't know whether she had sex with her Ex or not. Please tell me how can I know that from her.

---

Why do you need to know if she had sex with him? He's her ex, not her present. What happened in the past is in the past, not the present and not the future. I realize that in India a girls virginity is very important for some stupid reason. If that's why you want to know, then simply ask her, and if she's not a virgin and it matters that much to you, then let her go find a man that realizes that the past and virginity, don't matter at all, that being with her now and forever is what matters.

It's really none of your business. If she wants you to know then she'll tell you, but you have no right to ask, and no right to know unless she wants you to know.

If you can't let this go, then let her go, she deserves to be with someone that doesn't judge her or obsess about who she dated before she met you.

Relax and take it easy. Don't worry and don't think about it cause it's make you pressure. If your girl want to be with she will be. Nothing going to stop it.

You know part of me hopes she did have relations with her ex so that she can move on from you. You obviously need to grow up and focus on what's important in a relationship but you haven't made it to that point yet. You are more focused on drama which just guts the life out of a relationship. So give this girl some freedom and move on to the next victim.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by pacino7

Hi joy,

Thanks for your words. But how could I take that as my strength. Those words messaged by her Ex are still controlling me. I just imagined those words messaged by her Ex. Its really painful.

And one thing, I don't know whether she had sex with her Ex or not. Please tell me how can I know that from her.

---

Why do you let those words and images control you in the first place? Has this ever happened before with other girlfriends, or is this your first? Are you a virgin yourself? Have you and your girlfriend had sex? How old are you both? How long have you been dating?

Q # 1: Are you a virgin, or were you before her? Is that what this is all about? [oops, see this was asked too]
Q # 2: As others have said, if you have this burning desire to know if she had sex with him, ask her. BUT
What will you do if she says yes?
What will you do if she says no?
What will you do if she says she isn't going to tell you?
What will you do if no matter what she says, you don't believe her?
The last question is designed to show you the pitfalls of quizzing someone about their past. You have already opened one Pandora's Box. This is another one.

Here's another technique for teaching yourself. Every event in our lives is a result of an almost infinite series of previous events. What if she had never known HIM? Chances are very good that she would never even have met YOU.
She might have met a handsome, educated, rich man who treated her like a queen and didn't touch her. Then one night, he murdered her. Or she got out of his Rolls Royce and was run over by a truck.
She might have had some horrible boyfriends and decided to let her parents find her a husband.
She might have decided on a career in another country and worked without a man forever.
She might have .... imagine several thousand more.

Does that help? It sure helps me in life.

Hi Talaniman,

We have been dating for 5 months. She is my first one and we haven't had sex so far. And actually she is 2 years elder than me. I'm 22 and she is 24. I'm still a virgin.

Like most young and inexperienced guys especially in the area of FEMALE interactions and relationships, your feelings and emotions conjure strong images that keep feeding those emotion even more. You must know the root cause of this is your own fear of uncertainty, rejection, or as with guys humiliation. Having said all that let me ask how you come across what she did with a past boyfriend? That is very important because really it's none of your business, unless she decides to tell you, and the intimate details of her past are really out of bounds, given you are so inexperienced in the ways of ADULTS, and clearly you are outside of your normal circle.

Where you are in the world and your cultural upbringing is also important to me, because any preconceived traditional notions over what's proper and not in your culture also will affect my suggestions to how you can exercise better self control over YOURSELF,your thoughts and actions going forward. Up front you just sound like a young guy who is learning to grow and deal with HIMSELF in a bigger environment than you are use to.

Sounds like maybe your expectations for this relationship are already quite high, AND distracting you from what's important, so early in the NEW relationship. Her sexual past has nothing to do with YOU, only her character at this point, so fight the urge to focus so deeply on the past and deal with the PRESENT by not being so intimidated by her superior experiences with the opposite sex.

I hope you weren't snooping, or thinking of acting on what your snooping uncovered! Dating is about having fun getting to know each other and its not a good thing to let your FEAR make you act like an insecure scared kid instead of a thoughtful mature ADULT. So until you have hopefully more feed back into your own past as I have asked for now just take this suggestion to heart, think before you act or speak, and stay out of her personal business, as you lean to control YOUR own fear AND thoughts.

Quote:

---

And about my girlfriend is she is madly in love with me and she totally forgot her Ex-boyfriend. Please guide me how to overcome this thought.

---

Time will tell if you both are madly in love or not and 5 months is not enough, nor can anyone but her say if she has moved on from the ex or not. Have enough self confidence in yourself to enjoy finding these answers yourself, without the drama and distraction of your own FEAR, and inexperience. Her past is TOTALLY irrelevant at this stage of the relationship so NEVER ask about it nor dwell on it.

More questions or feedback is very welcome...