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-   -   Would you go over to an ex mate if you saw them with someone? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=827906)

  • Sep 29, 2016, 08:45 PM
    lisa1471
    Would you go over to an ex mate if you saw them with someone?
    Guy I met and started seeing back in May, went out to a pub. After being there for few minutes he saw and old friend he used to sleep with. I think they messed around 2001 to 2005 than reconnected in 2012 but recently slept with her in March this yr. He spotted her across the room as she was speaking to a guy. He goes over and says "You good?" She says yes. The guy looked at her like who is that? They were only, I repeat, only sex partners. Why did he go over if he saw her engaged in a conversation already?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 02:23 AM
    talaniman
    Why wouldn't he speak to a former sex buddy he has a long history with? He feels comfortable doing so.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 03:41 AM
    lisa1471
    Yea but while he's out on new date?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 04:06 AM
    joypulv
    You asked 2 questions - would we do it, and why did he do it.
    It doesn't matter what any of us would do. And he did it because he felt OK about it. The end!
    The big question might be whether or not it's acceptable. I see nothing wrong with a brief moment to go over to someone and ask if they are OK.

    Here's the thing about behavior: if you don't like it, walk away. Walk right out of the pub. Let him wonder where you are and why you left.
    You don't know, I repeat, you don't know, what kind of relationship he has/had with her.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 07:44 AM
    CravenMorhead
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lisa1471 View Post
    Guy I met and started seeing back in May, went out to a pub. After being there for few minutes he saw and old friend he used to sleep with. I think they messed around 2001 to 2005 than reconnected in 2012 but recently slept with her in March this yr. He spotted her across the room as she was speaking to a guy. He goes over and says "You good?" She says yes. The guy looked at her like who is that? They were only, I repeat, only sex partners. Why did he go over if he saw her engaged in a conversation already?
    If they were only FriendsWithBenefits then why not? They're friends. They saw said friend. They said hello. It is hard to fathom, it might not be the best time to catch up, but why would you be concerned?

    Why did he do it? Ask him for the proper answer. Why do I think he did it? He wanted to say hello to a friend. There is probably more to the history then you know, but to know that you would need to talk to your guy.

    Would I do it? Probably not, if I am on a date with another person I would be giving that person my undivided attention. Maybe catch up with my old FWB at a latter point.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 07:56 AM
    talaniman
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lisa1471 View Post
    Yea but while he's out on new date?
    5 months is NEW? Please define your relationship because you may be an FWB like his other FWB. What's the "agreement" for this "NEW" dating thing?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 09:00 AM
    Cat1864
    Lisa, this is another in a line of "why would/did he do/say what he did" questions that only the person being asked about can answer. Did you ask him? If so, how did he respond? Is that how you found out when they have been together?

    Maybe they are more than 'bed buddies'. Maybe they are good acquaintances or distant friends who have had a 'friends with benefits' relationship. Maybe he told you about their past in a way that he hoped would lessen any jealousy you were projecting.

    You don't say if he said anything to you before he went over there, if that was all that was said between them or how you reacted at the time. It doesn't matter how the other male reacted. It does matter how you reacted and if you allowed a quick exchange (from what you wrote) to ruin your evening.

    Frankly, it looks like he took a quick moment to make certain a friend was okay. I find it better than if he had hustled you out of the pub while acting like a fugitive or totally ignoring her and acting surprised if she came up to the two of you.

    Wouldn't it be more upsetting if he pretended to not see her and kept glancing over at her to make sure she wasn't looking at him?

    If you see an ex, how do you act?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 09:37 AM
    lisa1471
    Yes I asked hm.. u never get the same answer.Thats whole readon for message boards like these.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    You asked 2 questions - would we do it, and why did he do it.
    It doesn't matter what any of us would do. And he did it because he felt OK about it. The end!
    The big question might be whether it's acceptable. I see nothing wrong with a brief moment to go over to someone and ask if they are OK.

    Here's the thing about behavior: if you don't like it, walk away. Walk right out of the pub. Let him wonder where you are and why you left.
    You don't know, I repeat, you don't know, what kind of relationship he has/had with her.
    Yes 5 montjd he's known her when they were just 30 now they're 46.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    5 months is NEW? Please define your relationship because you may be an FWB like his other FWB. What's the "agreement" for this "NEW" dating thing?
    Ughhj she was ttalking to a man it was rude.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Why wouldn't he speak to a former sex buddy he has a long history with? He feels comfortable doing so.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 09:47 AM
    smoothy
    I would, there is nothing rude about it unless you are an overly possessive person with self esteem issues you have been avoiding. So they know someone else....we all know someone else...if you go through life avoiding everyone you know or knew...then you have issues. Saying hi and a couple minutes of chit chat are fine....now if they are going into their second hour of dialog...then its a different thing.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 10:04 AM
    Homegirl 50
    I don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe they were comfortable friends like that. Does it bother you?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 11:56 AM
    lisa1471
    I would think so.
    The other guy even looked annoyed

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    I don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe they were comfortable friends like that. Does it bother you?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 01:04 PM
    CravenMorhead
    The salient point is that he is having sex with you as the other women is intimate with the other fellow. He is dating You. He is committed to You. He is not going to wander, not even to an old FWB. You need to trust your partner or else is there a point to staying together?

    So the question I have here and now is:
    Why is this bugging you so much? Are you insecure in your relationship? Do you have doubts with his faithfulness?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 03:45 PM
    lisa1471
    What is wrong with these people.sec buddies OK.thats a problem

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Why wouldn't he speak to a former sex buddy he has a long history with? He feels comfortable doing so.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 04:01 PM
    dontknownuthin
    It sounds like he was making sure she wasn't uncomfortable or feeling hassled in tye bar. He may have picked up on something that made him concerned for her safety.

    The bar interaction doesn't concern me. The cavalier hook up attitude is a big red flag though.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 04:27 PM
    lisa1471
    Concerned why would he be concerned? Cavalier hook up ?
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    It sounds like he was making sure she wasn't uncomfortable or feeling hassled in tye bar. He may have picked up on something that made him concerned for her safety.

    The bar interaction doesn't concern me. The cavalier hook up attitude is a big red flag though.
  • Sep 30, 2016, 04:34 PM
    joypulv
    Lisa, wow, you just are too concerned with this. Now you are even getting into how annoyed the guy she was talking to was. I'm exhausted just trying to get around how trivial all this is. But I am old and you are young and I guess that's how it goes!

    [ I found this from a year ago, written by me:
    "You have said in the past that you ask these silly questions because you are bored at work.
    You chewed me out once for assuming that another silly post about a woman in a band in a sheer blouse was about your husband's mistress. You write about her a LOT.
    Your whole life is just too alien to me."]

    I guess that marriage is over?
  • Sep 30, 2016, 06:43 PM
    Fr_Chuck
    I would have been more concerned that he did not. This was more than a one night stand, so they have a relationship of some level. They know about each other and would have talked a lot, even if there was no "love".

    So he say a person he knew well, and wanted to say high. It would have been more rude not to. Sounds like you are not secure.
  • Oct 5, 2016, 04:48 PM
    dontknownuthin
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lisa1471 View Post
    Concerned why would he be concerned? Cavalier hook up ?
    Cavalier hookup = friends with benefits
    and he apparently asked if the woman at the bar was OK. Friends of mine have done the same if they thought someone's advances might not be welcome in a bar. Not unusual. As in, man approaches me, I am not into his doing so, it is apparent to my friends that I'm uncomfortable, they come over to talk to me and politely interrupt the interaction to give me a social escape route. People do this all the time.
  • Oct 6, 2016, 11:40 AM
    Alty
    Lisa, the question shouldn't be why he went and talked to her for a few minutes. The question should be why it bothers you so much. Is there a reason you don't trust him, because that's what your whole posts amounts to, a lack of trust in this guy.

    He went over and said hello to a friend, and asked if she was okay. That's it. He didn't go over to her, grab her , french kiss her and drag her to the bathroom for sex.

    Your jealousy and insecurity are going to ruin this relationship. Have you ever considered counseling to help you deal with the way you overreact to things?

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