Ask Me Help Desk - Did I ruin my sisters birthday?

Yesterday was my sisters 38th birthday. She called the day before to invite me over, she said her best friend was coming over about 11 am, that she was taking her kids to school and then wanted to hang out until pick up time by the pool with shrimp cocktail. She said she was going call my best friend and invite her too. I explained that I had to take my husband to work at 9:00 (only one car is working at the moment) and I'd be over right after. She said okay, see you in the morning. Well, when I got to her house she wasn't there. I waited while trying to get a hold of her for 35 minutes, when she picked up her phone, I found out that my best friend had beaten me to her house by all of 10 minutes, and they left to breakfast.

Okay, it's her birthday, she should do what she wants to, so I brushed off being upset that she knew I was coming over and she left anyway, didn't bother to let me know she wouldn't be there, or invite me to come with. But then when I talked to her, and she knew I was standing outside her house with my 4 month old, waiting for her, she said she would be back by 11. I continued to wait, thinking about all I had to do at home while I twiddled my thumbs and tried to keep my baby from crying while standing outside her house. Another hour and fifteen minutes passed. I was DONE waiting, I figured she must be having a ball whatever she was doing, and I wasn't going to call her again to remind/harass her about hurrying back home because I was there for a long time. I left the birthday cake I made for her and went home, it was nap time for my baby and I didn't want to continue waiting until who knew when. I had waited for her from 9:30-11:15. I feel like that was more than enough time to have eaten breakfast and she must have continued her day and that was fine but I wasn't going to waste anymore time standing idle in front of her door.

When I got home, ten minutes later she calls and says I ruined her birthday, that I made her day all about me. I don't understand how I ruined her birthday. She choose to do what she wanted. I tried. In order for me to go over, I had to take my husband to work (pain in the you know what), I baked her a cake, I waited outside with my 4 month old for over an hour an a half. I only said "Happy Birthday" to her even though truthfully I felt hurt she changed plans at the last minute, I think she was inconsiderate of me and what efforts I spent to hang out with her on her birthday. And then she piles it on, saying that she had bought me a dress and some Capri's and she brought me lunch from the breakfast joint she ate at, and how I ruined everything because I left. Then I get a text saying how I can pick up my cake pan at my dads house. So I guess I'm not welcome at her house now.

The whole thing is tearing me up! I cried all day yesterday, she is so important to me. Funny how those closest to you hurt you the most. Our mom has passed and she and I are really close, so this is very upsetting and I don't know what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong by leaving, but I question now that decision, I apologized even though I don't feel at fault. Was I being selfish? Did I ruin her birthday because I didn't continue waiting or is she the one who was being inconsiderate?

This would have been prevented with consideration. First she should have called you to inform you that plans had changed and either invite you to meet them for breakfast (first choice... after all, the other person is YOUR best friend), or at least call to let you know that she was going out and would call when she returned home. Why she didn't wait for you, knowing that you were coming over, or at least call to tell you what the plans were, was odd and inconsiderate. She also should have called to let you know when she was taking longer than expected when she knew that you were waiting.

You could have just called her, after you agreed to wait, to let her know that baby was tired and you needed to head home, and that you would leave the cake that you baked for her and get in touch later on.

You both ended up feeling snubbed by the other... again, simple consideration would have likely prevented all of it.

I don't think you ruined her birthday... you may have ruined (in her mind) what she had planned, but then she didn't fully let you in on those plans, so you can't be blamed for that.

Your sister had several opportunities to make things right.

First, she should have either declined the breakfast invitation, invited you to join them, or asked if it would be convenient for you to come later so she could also meet her friend for breakfast.

Failing to do that, and learning you were at her house as expected and unable to get in, she should have at that point either told you where they were and apologized and asked if you could meet them there, asked if she could bring you something and brought the entire meal for all of them back to the house as soon as possible, or just paid the bill and left to meet you as quickly as she reasonably and safely could.

Failing that, and arriving home to find you were no longer waiting, aware you'd been there an hour and a half, and finding that you had made her a cake, she should have realized how remiss she had been and how badly she had treated you. She should have profusely apologized, raved about the cake and asked how she could have made it up to you. Then she should have scrubbed that cake pan until it gleamed and returned it to you along with a gift of apology.

Your sister is apparently not 7, and her expectation that she can treat other people like crap and be pretty pretty princess for a day is really, really childish and self-centered. Blow it off. Stop crying - she knows she was wrong. Pretend it never happened.

She did say that her friend was coming over at 11am, and you arrived much earlier than that, and then had to wait because you were there a lot earlier than the time she stipulated. So really, you were very early and actually only waited until 11:15 pm, which means that you actually waited only 15 minutes, not hours.

Having said that, your sister has kids and should remember how hard it is when you have a young baby, and that you can't always plan things when you're a mom of a young child.

I think you're both at fault here. You came a lot earlier than she had said, and then chose to sit around, and she should know that with a young baby your schedule is the babies schedule and not your own.

I think you two need to to talk about this, and you both need to listen to each other instead of blaming each other.

As a mom myself I can see both sides. If I tell you that I'd like you over at 11 and you arrive an hour and a half before then and then sit and wait, then you have no reason to be upset if I'm not there. But, I also see your side, a mom with a young kid.

Talk to her and also listen to her side.

You guys are fantastic weeding through that blog. I didn't have the patience!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MomMelanie

Yesterday was my sisters 38th birthday. She called the day before to invite me over, she said her best friend was coming over about 11am, that she was taking her kids to school and then wanted to hang out until pick up time by the pool with shrimp cocktail. She said she was going call my best friend and invite her too. I explained that I had to take my husband to work at 9:00(only one car is working at the moment) and I'd be over right after. She said okay, see you in the morning. Well, when I got to her house she wasn't there. I waited while trying to get a hold of her for 35 minutes, when she picked up her phone, I found out that my best friend had beaten me to her house by all of 10 minutes, and they left to breakfast. Okay, it's her birthday, she should do what she wants to, so I brushed off being upset that she knew I was coming over and she left anyway, didn't bother to let me know she wouldn't be there, or invite me to come with. But then when I talked to her, and she knew I was standing outside her house with my 4 month old, waiting for her, she said she would be back by 11. I continued to wait, thinking about all I had to do at home while I twiddled my thumbs and tried to keep my baby from crying while standing outside her house. Another hour and fifteen minutes passed. I was DONE waiting, I figured she must be having a ball whatever she was doing, and I wasn't going to call her again to remind/harass her about hurrying back home because I was there for a long time. I left the birthday cake I made for her and went home, it was nap time for my baby and I didn't want to continue waiting until who knew when. I had waited for her from 9:30-11:15. I feel like that was more than enough time to have eaten breakfastand she must have continued her day and that was fine but I wasn't going to waist anymore time standing idle in front of her door. When I got home, ten minutes later she calls and says I ruined her birthday, that I made her day all about me. I don't understand how I ruined her birthday. She choose to do what she wanted. I tried. In order for me to go over, I had to take my husband to work(pain in the you know what), I baked her a cake, I waited outside with my 4month old for over an hour an a half. I only said "Happy Birthday" to her even though truthfully I felt hurt she changed plans at the last minute, I think she was inconsiderate of me and what efforts I spent to hang out with her on her birthday. And then she piles it on, saying that she had bought me a dress and some Capri's and she brought me lunch from the breakfast joint she ate at, and how I ruined everything because I left. Then I get a text saying how I can pick up my cake pan at my dads house. So I guess I'm not welcome at her house now. The whole thing is tearing me up! I cried all day yesterday, she is so important to me. Funny how those closest to you hurt you the most. Our mom has passed and she and I are really close, so this is very upsetting and I don't know what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong by leaving, but I question now that decision, I apologized even though I don't feel at fault. Was I being selfish? Did I ruin her birthday because I didn't continue waiting or is she the one who was being inconsiderate?

I don't think you ruined it yourself. I think there is fault on both sides.

Your sister knew you were coming over sometime around or shortly after 9am. Even if your Bestie beat you there by 10min she should have waited because she KNEW you were coming over. In this day of cellphones, smart phones, and constant communication it is hard not to be reachable. She should have waited, or called you to update you on the plans so you could meet them there.

It is her birthday, but that doesn't mean you can be a brat.

You should have been in better communication, 'hang out' is such a general term that what she did isn't THAT horrible. I would have talked to her before you dropped off your hubby. As well, waiting there for howerever long that you did, is your choice. Once you've determined that she wasn't there, and not going to be back at any time then I would have taken off and found someplace for my little one until she was available. The thing is you got annoyed and frustrated and never really stopped. That means you were probably giving the "pissed off" vibe. So that will damper the food. A big of forgivness when you had seen her, instead of a "Happy Birthday" would have probably smoothed things out.

How could have this been handled? A bit of consideration on her part and understanding on your part. That doesn't help with the how do I fix this.

Talk to her, Apologize for being frustrated and explain why you were. Don't heap anything on her, Just explain your feelings. Then go hang out. Be an adult about this, maybe accept the egg on your face, and just move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Your sister had several opportunities to make things right.

First, she should have either declined the breakfast invitation, invited you to join them, or asked if it would be convenient for you to come later so she could also meet her friend for breakfast.

Failing to do that, and learning you were at her house as expected and unable to get in, she should have at that point either told you where they were and apologized and asked if you could meet them there, asked if she could bring you something and brought the entire meal for all of them back to the house as soon as possible, or just paid the bill and left to meet you as quickly as she reasonably and safely could.

Failing that, and arriving home to find you were no longer waiting, aware you'd been there an hour and a half, and finding that you had made her a cake, she should have realized how remiss she had been and how badly she had treated you. She should have profusely apologized, raved about the cake and asked how she could have made it up to you. Then she should have scrubbed that cake pan until it gleamed and returned it to you along with a gift of apology.

Your sister is apparently not 7, and her expectation that she can treat other people like crap and be pretty pretty princess for a day is really, really childish and self-centered. Blow it off. Stop crying - she knows she was wrong. Pretend it never happened.

Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

She did say that her friend was coming over at 11am, and you arrived much earlier than that, and then had to wait because you were there a lot earlier than the time she stipulated. So really, you were very early and actually only waited until 11:15 pm, which means that you actually waited only 15 minutes, not hours.

Having said that, your sister has kids and should remember how hard it is when you have a young baby, and that you can't always plan things when you're a mom of a young child.

I think you're both at fault here. You came a lot earlier than she had said, and then chose to sit around, and she should know that with a young baby your schedule is the babies schedule and not your own.

I think you two need to to talk about this, and you both need to listen to each other instead of blaming each other.

As a mom myself I can see both sides. If I tell you that I'd like you over at 11 and you arrive an hour and a half before then and then sit and wait, then you have no reason to be upset if I'm not there. But, I also see your side, a mom with a young kid.

Talk to her and also listen to her side.

She knew I'd be there right around 9:30. This is a case of something better coming along, and she just didn't care that I was waiting. My best friend was invited to the same thing I was, hanging out, splashing around by the pool, and shrimp cocktail. Like I said in my post, she beat me there by a whole 10 minutes, and my bestie didn't know I was on my way, but my sister did.

First of all, there was poor communication. That poor communication led to the Birthday not going off to the satisfaction of all concerned. If the Birthday Girl thinks it was ruined, then maybe she needs to look in a mirror and ask "who ruined my Birthday"? Besides that, the Cake Pan can be picked up at Dad's House is pretty petty. BG, went off and did her thing, so what is her beef? BG did not stand outside a locked door either, with a 4 month old baby. Sis, I am on your side in this case. Just a Guys thoughts.

This can't be your first blowup, or conflict, so be mad now, let her be mad, and you both move beyond it. That's usually how it works right? Nothing wrong with being mad at a sibling, but staying mad is a problem, no matter who did the most wrong..