Ask Me Help Desk - Long Distance Advice

So I've been on this site before asking about advice for the same relationship. We just broke up a few days ago and dated for about a year and a half. A little back story... last summer we were both on summer vacation before our final college year (both at the same college and same major). She lived about an hour away during the summer. We started dating February 2015 before that summer. I had noticed she would always get distant emotionally when we weren't physically close. She either wouldn't respond to calls/texts or take the entire day to answer (I understand people get busy so I didn't worry much). This continued throughout the summer and it frustrated me but I remained patient and understanding. She was also leaving for a 6-week European vacation that summer too and once it got closer to her leaving, she became even more distant. She even had doubts about us throughout the summer and it really sent me on an emotional roller coaster. About 4 weeks into her trip I randomly noticed on Facebook she had deleted our relationship status and I asked her about it via text and she said that she couldn't handle the relationship and blah blah. So she broke it off and I was crushed. Fast forward to about 2 weeks after she returned home and she called and said she missed me and we did end up back together and the relationship was great. We had our arguments and what not but that's normal and it was a very good relationship but with ups and downs, of course.

Fast forward to about March of this year and I had pretty much made a decision to move back to NJ (home) because I believed there was a greater chance for me to be financially successful (my dad hired me to work with his company). So I left end of May with my dog and all my stuff in my car and she drove up with me and stayed about 10 days. She loved the area and of course I wanted her to move up but I understood there was a slim chance. Anyway, after she flew home back to FL, it only took days and guess what happened? She became distant and had doubts about the relationship. All the while, I am trying to set up FaceTime dates and keep a line of communication open. And she again started not returning calls/texts. It was aggravating. Before she had left for FL, I did purchase her a ticket to come up again and she was up for 4 days in the beginning of July. We had a great time and it was wonderful! We saw and did many things in the short amount of time. But once again she left and became distant and at this point I was really tired of it and we had talked about it many times already and I even asked her if she could try a little better. I love her very much and want it to work out. I even told her I'm not going to be in NJ forever, just need to get some experience with my dad's company and then hopefully I'll come back down to FL.

So, I called her about 4 days ago and basically said I can't take it anymore. It was the new normal that we wouldn't talk for days and days, that bothered me. I missed her so much. After the 45 minute phone (we broke up) call, I felt awful and text her later asking her if we did the right thing and she said, "Do you?" I text her the next day and told her I didn't feel right about it and I want to be with her. She said, "but we can't be together." So I said, "you mean a lot to me, is there anything we can do?" She never replied... I was very annoyed and hurt. So over the last couple days after that, she has sent me a few snap chats and I know she's been on my Facebook cause she liked a status from weeks ago. So, I'm like what?? I would like to work things out, is space the best answer? I've noticed she always comes around when I give her space. What should I do? Thanks!

Last thing I wanted to say, she is a 22 year old girl trying to figure her life out and she seems a little lost and confused. She has even admitted to me that she has not only shut me out but her family as well. I feel bad but I really want to be there for her.

Long distance relationships are "wannabe" relationships as you want to be near them but can't 99-100% of the time.

One or the other moving is a recipie for disaster because you never really got to know the other person first... and you both end up with candy coated versions of how the other person will be... and as we all know... we are all far from perfect.

Find someone local... there isn't anyplace on earth someone local to you will not be available.

I refreshed my memory of your old posts, and something bothers me. You don't really seem to have a clue about what SHE went through when YOU chose to leave. Yes, it meant a career for you etc etc but none of that matters when two people are wrenched apart. You did the wrenching. She doesn't want to move. You are far away. It's how it goes. You have ZERO right to be annoyed or hurt.

I put a lot of work into my response about Crohn's. If it wasn't helpful, it would be nice to know. If it was, it would be nice to know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I refreshed my memory of your old posts, and something bothers me. You don't really seem to have a clue about what SHE went through when YOU chose to leave. Yes, it meant a career for you etc etc but none of that matters when two people are wrenched apart. You did the wrenching. She doesn't want to move. You are far away. It's how it goes. You have ZERO right to be annoyed or hurt.

I put a lot of work into my response about Crohn's. If it wasn't helpful, it would be nice to know. If it was, it would be nice to know.

Your Crohn's post was very imfotmative and helpful. Thank you, it is very appreciated. I do feel guilty for leaving her and causing any pain. I know LDRs are super tough, but I just honestly felt like she gave up.

Yes, she gave up. She's not 'bad' for that. It's the most common result of being 1,000 miles from each other. Plus, she's only 22! Hold old are you again? Early to late 20s is a period when many huge gulfs of maturity happen. She's forgiven for being lost and confused. It doesn't matter. You are what matter. You have to move on. And who knows when she may contact you out of the blue, after a string of lousy relationships? Yes, you could be the best guy she ever knew. Of course maybe you'll have found someone... boy I don't miss my 20s at all.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Yes, she gave up. She's not 'bad' for that. It's the most common result of being 1,000 miles from each other. Plus, she's only 22! Hold old are you again? Early to late 20s is a period when many huge gulfs of maturity happen. She's forgiven for being lost and confused. It doesn't matter. You are what matter. You have to move on. And who knows when she may contact you out of the blue, after a string of lousy relationships? Yes, you could be the best guy she ever knew. Of course maybe you'll have found someone... boy I don't miss my 20s at all.

Yes I am 26. My uncle and I joked about that too, breaking up in your 20s is tough lol. I don't have any resentment towards her or anger, but I just feel very heart broken and would hate to lose her for good.

She's 1,000 miles away... you really never had her to begin with. Remember the good memories... move on and the next one, find someone local where you can have a real and more healthy relationship rather than a pen pal relationship.

I remember this story. I remember me telling you this wasn't her path and maybe it's not yours either. You might be more into her than she is into you. That's okay and you will survive moving on. Trust me as someone who knows, you need to settle for that perfect person. Not the only person, even if that takes years.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

I remember this story. I remember me telling you this wasn't her path and maybe it's not yours either. You might be more into her than she is into you. That's okay and you will survive moving on. Trust me as someone who knows, you need to settle for that perfect person. Not the only person, even if that takes years.

Perfect person? I have been married 49 years and neither of us is perfect. Is anyone?

Congratulations on 49 years. That's amazing. I've been married 18 months almost and we both think it's perfect thus far. I believe in living the dream.

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Originally Posted by ma0641

[/B]Perfect person? I have been married 49 years and neither of us is perfect. Is anyone?

I don't think it's a matter of her trying harder, but you may be trying to hard, demanding too much, and she just ain't ready to move and share your life, because she doesn't know what she wants for her life yet.

Pretty typical for LDR's, they usually run there course after a few months, and the frustrations pile on if one or both of you don't get what you want, and resentments build. Give her some space and plenty of it my friend, because fighting about it accomplishes nothing and you will hate each other. You both need the space to learn and grow, and are on separate paths and different speeds, so space will either make you miss each other or realize you aren't mean't for each other.

For sure you cannot force her to be what you want her to be, and she doesn't want to anyway, so yeah give it some time and space and see what happens. What choice do you have since what your doing just ain't working for you? You have a career path, follow it, and let her find her own path. You should wish her well, and appreciate the time spent, and be grateful for it.

You never know what the future will bring, but hopefully it's better than the present where the choice to lighten up and let go is the obvious answer. Tough thing to do for sure unless you are willing to go back to Florida and take your chances, and no way would I advise that.

What's a guy to do if the woman doesn't want to follow you? I feel for ya because I know what your going through, most of us have. You'll live though, and do better.

There's also the fact that he moved to New Jersey when their relationship was relatively new. Speaking as a Florida boy, I would never leave for New Jersey. Just saying... But if there was any doubt in her mind about the relationship, that's a huge move and commitment. Maybe it was one she wasn't willing to make at this stage in her life. Life is about choices and with those choices always bring consequences, both positive and not so positive.

Keep in mind as well, that people will require differing amounts of contact to feel involved or connected. What may be very difficult to you, may feel fine to her. Personally, if you both want to, I'd stay in contact now and then, but if the opportunity comes up that you meet someone locally, who you would like to spend some time with, go ahead.

At some point relationships will either shift to just occasional, "How have you been?", eventually fizzle out completely as you both move on, or you might reconnect again in the future. Right now the timing and distance just aren't in your favor unless you both really felt like you wanted to make the investment; which doesn't appear to be the case.

Appreciate everyone's input. I'm usually doing fine after breakups but this I'm experiencing a lot of raw emotions. Everything from anger, guilt, and pure sadness. My head is spinning. I haven't tried contacting her since last week and haven't heard anything back, but I don't I've ever been hurt so much. Ironic part is that I initiated it.

I think you made the right move - your career. What if you hadn't? You might have tried different dead end jobs and ended up breaking up anyway, doubly miserable. No girlfriend, no career.

(Oh and 'what ifs' can't be applied to what SHE might have done, such as stay with you in NJ. You are the only one who gets to play that game. But if you insist, what if she had stayed in NJ? You seemed to think before that you would 'make her happy.' No, we don't make people happy. You do what you can to help them make themselves happy, VERY different. She probably would have been just as miserable as you would have been staying in FL with no career.)

Keep in touch with her in the most friendly but 'oh well' way possible. You never know. Electricians can work anywhere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't think it's a matter of her trying harder, but you may be trying to hard, demanding too much, and she just ain't ready to move and share your life, because she doesn't know what she wants for her life yet.

Pretty typical for LDR's, they usually run there course after a few months, and the frustrations pile on if one or both of you don't get what you want, and resentments build. Give her some space and plenty of it my friend, because fighting about it accomplishes nothing and you will hate each other. You both need the space to learn and grow, and are on separate paths and different speeds, so space will either make you miss each other or realize you aren't mean't for each other.

For sure you cannot force her to be what you want her to be, and she doesn't want to anyway, so yeah give it some time and space and see what happens. What choice do you have since what your doing just ain't working for you? You have a career path, follow it, and let her find her own path. You should wish her well, and appreciate the time spent, and be grateful for it.

You never know what the future will bring, but hopefully it's better than the present where the choice to lighten up and let go is the obvious answer. Tough thing to do for sure unless you are willing to go back to Florida and take your chances, and no way would I advise that.

What's a guy to do if the woman doesn't want to follow you? I feel for ya because I know what your going through, most of us have. You'll live though, and do better.

Just a small update, its been almost a month and a half since we broke up and there has been pretty much zero communication. She reached out to me via text a few weeks ago asking how I was doing, then I responded asking her the same, and then she never text me back. I found that very annoying. That is the only thing I have heard from her since we ended. Nothing has changed on social media either, except for some pictures of us getting deleted, but that is understandable. Almost 40 days later, I have had the expectation that she would reach out to me because she has in the past, but there hasn't been anything and I am finding it difficult to move on. I do want to reach out to her and ask her how she's been, etc. but I keep asking myself what's the point? The last time couple times we have spoken, it just seems like she doesn't care at all about responding. Any input? Maybe I should move forward with 110% social media blockage?

Its over... she did that to be nice... nothing more. Take that as a Que to forget about her and move on... that's what she wants you to do. Everything she has said and done actually screams that.

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Maybe I should move forward with 110% social media blockage?

If it keeps you from being annoyed or torturing yourself from false hope she will change her mind then that's a great idea.

You never cease to amaze me that you feel annoyed by what she does. IT'S OVER. Annoyance not allowed. Zero, nada, zilch.

It has a touch of arrogance in it. I suppose that's better than what I always do, which is get depressed.