Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do??

I need HELP!! I have been dating a guy for 7 months, but am worried about some things. I can’t seem to make up my mind! He’s a wonderful guy. He is very helpful, supportive, nice. He takes the relationship seriously and wants to marry in a few years. We have good communication for the most part, bringing up our concerns and talking, sometimes arguing things out. We are similar in what we like to do and we talk a lot. This is my first relationship, so I am still figuring out what is “normal.” Even though we worked these things out, I don’t know why they still pester me in the back of my mind!

The only thing we seem to be different in is how fast we go physically. We make out and draw the line at dry humping. He often asked about going further, like “can you give me a blow job?” to which I’ve always said no. Before we began dry humping, he would often push me further. Before our first kiss, he kept asking to kiss me. When we would make out, he would ask for a hand job and seemed mad even if I said I wasn’t comfortable with doing that. He said that physical affection, especially little kisses, is the way he feels loved. He also sometimes feels frustrated if we make out and he doesn’t finish.

Sometimes I enjoy our physical time, but sometimes I feel guilt. I’m not sure if it’s because I was raised in purity culture that framed anything physical as wrong/shameful or if it’s because I am doing something PERSONALLY against what I believe. Additionally, for a long time he seemed to have trouble with when I said, “no.” If he tries to put his fingers under my clothes, I would say, “no”, but it would take a couple times for him to stop. He has been getting better, in that circumstance. However, lately he’s done things that I am concerned about. He went in my room on different days to masturbate with my underwear, even though I previously told him I didn’t want him touching my underwear. When I approached him about it, he said he was going to tell me. Also, when we were dozing on the couch, he pushed my underwear back and started stroking his fingers very close to my vagina—I pushed his hand away four times before he stopped.

When we talked about it, he said he was extremely sorry and it would never happen again. I told him these things were serious to me and I was hurt that he doesn’t listen. He replied, “are you always going to feel like you can’t trust me when I mess up?” We both know he has a problem and he’s going to receive counseling in the fall. He’s not a creepy guy, he’s not a bad guy. Why do I feel so nervous? Why do I feel like I have lost so much trust?

You are playing with fire.

What is his problem exactly? Because everything you have said so far sounds fairly normal for a younger guy. The issue is more of respecting limits, and personal property. However its in peoples nature to try to push limits.

Nothing wrong with setting your own limits either... thats also normal and well within your rights. Your body, your rules... but keep in mind this dry humping crap you are doing is telling him keep trying and you may get what every guy really wants... so don't blame him for trying.

I fail to see what issue requires counseling however.

I can understand your discomfort at his actions, and even the false hope of marriage later after only 7 months, given your inexperience with (horny, hormone driven) young guys. I agree with Smoothy also that that dry humping does nothing but escalate the hormones and blur the lines of good behavior.

While you cannot ignore the times he crosses the lines, you still have to recognize that he will push for more and you have to enforce those boundaries (especially when it comes to not just your personal space, but private stuff too! Don't ignore those red flags, nor obvious mistakes and liberties he is taking, because that's what those nagging feelings are telling you, so I highly suggest at this point you get the notion of a far future with this fellow out of your head, and get with the reality you are getting to know this stranger, and find out what YOU are about at the same time.

7 months is NOTHING, and marriage plans at this time are just dumb! It only allows you both to be okay with exploring and experimenting with each others boundaries physically, so of course he pushes them. You really need to push his also in the areas of respect and shut him down the FIRST time, NOT the 4th! As an example access to your underwear is UNACCEPTABLE!

In your defense though, I wouldn't trust a guy who couldn't control his carnal impulses either, but you have to stop winding him up since you KNOW where that leads, and stop feeling guilty or sorry for the poor horny guy with excuses for bad behavior! He only does what YOU allow, and let him get away with since there doesn't seem to be any consequences for his lapses in good respectful behavior.

I suspect you will learn to nip that crap in the bud sooner or later, no matter how you are raised. A good start would be controlling your own hormones, and pay CLOSER attention to his TRUE character.

How old are you both? Where do you both live... with parents? You sound like unsupervised teens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine03

I need HELP!! I have been dating a guy for 7 months, but am worried about some things. I can't seem to make up my mind! He's a wonderful guy. He is very helpful, supportive, nice. He takes the relationship seriously and wants to marry in a few years. We have good communication for the most part, bringing up our concerns and talking, sometimes arguing things out. We are similar in what we like to do and we talk a lot. This is my first relationship, so I am still figuring out what is “normal.” Even though we worked these things out, I don't know why they still pester me in the back of my mind!

The only thing we seem to be different in is how fast we go physically. We make out and draw the line at dry humping. He often asked about going further, like “can you give me a blow job?” to which I've always said no. Before we began dry humping, he would often push me further. Before our first kiss, he kept asking to kiss me. When we would make out, he would ask for a hand job and seemed mad even if I said I wasn't comfortable with doing that. He said that physical affection, especially little kisses, is the way he feels loved. He also sometimes feels frustrated if we make out and he doesn't finish.

Sometimes I enjoy our physical time, but sometimes I feel guilt. I'm not sure if it's because I was raised in purity culture that framed anything physical as wrong/shameful or if it's because I am doing something PERSONALLY against what I believe. Additionally, for a long time he seemed to have trouble with when I said, “no.” If he tries to put his fingers under my clothes, I would say, “no”, but it would take a couple times for him to stop. He has been getting better, in that circumstance. However, lately he's done things that I am concerned about. He went in my room on different days to masturbate with my underwear, even though I previously told him I didn't want him touching my underwear. When I approached him about it, he said he was going to tell me. Also, when we were dozing on the couch, he pushed my underwear back and started stroking his fingers very close to my vagina—I pushed his hand away four times before he stopped.

When we talked about it, he said he was extremely sorry and it would never happen again. I told him these things were serious to me and I was hurt that he doesn't listen. He replied, “are you always going to feel like you can't trust me when I mess up?” We both know he has a problem and he's going to receive counseling in the fall. He's not a creepy guy, he's not a bad guy. Why do I feel so nervous? Why do I feel like I have lost so much trust?

Hi!

Something to ponder. Precious few people go into a relationship a not want it to progress. Being that you've been together for 7 months and are considering marriage isn't really anything unusual or special. I would be more concerned if there wasn't the plan to move beyond this relationship to marriage. If you go into a relationship expecting it not to last then it won't but at least you'll be vindicated.

First point. You're ONLY 7 months in. This is still within the territory of figuring out if you're compatible. There are several layers to this compatibility, functionally, emotionally, and sexually. Can you both run a household together, do you fulfill each other's emotionally needs, are your sexual needs filled? If ANY of these are found wanting then the relationship should probably be ended and each go their separate ways. The first two are pretty cut and dry but the third is full of hang ups.

Sexual compatibility comes being able to have your partner respect your sexual needs and to respect theirs. This means being able to set boundaries without the expectations of them being constantly challenged. This is all within reason of course. It also comes down whether you'll mesh in bed. Was is his kink or fetish? What is yours? Are you both vanilla? Or does he like having his balls whipped while be told what a bad boy he is? What is his sex drive like? What is yours? Does he expect you to have intercourse every night? Do you only want it once every couple months? What will the sexual fustration be like and will it be able to be tolerated?

On of the ideas I like was coined by Dan Savage of the Savage Love advice column. Look it up:

GGG: Dan Savage coined the abbreviation "GGG." It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be Good in bed, Giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and Game "for anything—within reason."

Now comes my observations and advice. First off He isn't respecting your boundaries. This means he doesn't respect you. This is a HUGE red flag. The fact that he's making sexual advances beyond what your comfortable with is coming dangerously close to sexual assault or rape. Further more if you consider that he's like this now, what is he going to be like in a couple years when you get married? If you say no butt stuff is he going to be constantly trying to get it? When you say NO is get going to constantly thing Maybe? At this point he ISN'T stopping. He is thinking that no means maybe and eventually yes if you go far enough.

A note about men. Unless given a REALLY good reason, and that is usually a life changing event, they won't change. So if you tell him to stop and go back to what you're comfortable with. He isn't going to stop trying to push the boundaries. It might let off for a few months but it will come back and he'll go back to doing what he thought he could get away with.

My advice: I would end this relationship. I think a lack of respect of you is showing a systemic problem that will cause no end of troubles as you go further. This has ONLY been seven months and I don't think he is compatible with you. You don't need a person or a relationship to define you. Being alone is better then being in a bad relationship. Everything seems to be going good for you right now, but it is a bad relationship. I think things will get worse if you don't do anything about this.

I hate giving people this advice.

Quote:

What should I do??

If he cannot behave himself to YOUR satisfaction, dump him!! No excuses. No you don't have to keep forgiving him!

Don't put yourself in vulnerable positions with him. Like dozing on the couch; a major no no and you are just inviting him to play around and before you know it, you will not be where you want to be, and that is under him. And why are you dry humping? Gosh girl, that is another vulnerable position that leads to trouble. You are sending him the wrong messages if you continue to play along with him like this. If you don't want to do any of this, just say NO.

How old are the two of you ?

Interesting - responses from 4 men all saying similar things, while I'm thinking WHAT'S THIS DOZING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER????
Then I get to tickle, a woman, and there it is.

You draw physical boundaries as well as verbal ones. Otherwise you are just an exasperating tease.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Interesting - responses from 4 men all saying similar things, while I'm thinking WHAT'S THIS DOZING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER????
Then I get to tickle, a woman, and there it is.

You draw physical boundaries as well as verbal ones. Otherwise you are just an exasperating tease.

What she's doing doesn't imply consent. If the guy doesn't have consent then it is assault or sexual assault. Yes means yes, maybe means no, no means no. Even if she is teasing. In this enlightened world no one can take ANYTHING for granted. Consent can't be implied or assumed. The guy needs to control himself.

'I pushed his hand away four times before he stopped.'

Yes, he should stop. AND SHE SHOULD GET OFF THE DAMN COUCH.

It take two to tango, and she's turning this guy into a really untrustworthy character. He isn't going to rape her, from all appearances. It's quite possible that she isn't telling us to what extent she deliberately entices him, in the privacy of her apartment, just to enjoy the power she has.

This is what gets me: "We both know he has a problem and he’s going to receive counseling in the fall. He’s not a creepy guy, he’s not a bad guy."
SHE needs counseling if anyone does.

We have a word in the American English Vernacular for a female who acts in the manner she has been doing.

We call her a tease...

Like Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown... acting like she is going to let him kick it only to repeatedly pull it away at the last second.

If you don't want to go all the way with him... don't. But don't play these games that you are playing... and pretend to get upset when he responds exactly the way he is doing. What exactly do you expect him to do when you keep acting like you want to give it to him now.

Its hypocritical to think you can have it both ways without consequences. Either do or don't. stop kicking the fire.

The OP doesn't say how old they both are, or their status in life, but we do know that she has a dwelling where he is allowed without consequences to masturbate on her underwear. That's a bit too far and disrespectful in my book, and a clear red flag that the boundaries of good behavior are blurred too often.

Simply put, she has to enforce her rules or be disrespected. That does mean cut out that dry humping crap knowing good and well it leads to frustration and anger, because he has NO RESPECT for her, or himself.

I also wonder if she goes over to HIS place at all, or is this 7 month get together as one sided as she makes it to be. We all know that such conflict and complaints at 7 months seldom leads to a long term healthy relationship, especially if counselling is needed after such a short encounter. Sort of undermines the whole talking and resolving conflicts the OP alludes too, in her FIRST paragraph.

First relationships can be like that though where immaturity, and inexperience (On Both Sides), can be both frustrating and distressing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catherine03

I need HELP!! I have been dating a guy for 7 months, but am worried about some things. I can’t seem to make up my mind! He’s a wonderful guy. He is very helpful, supportive, nice. He takes the relationship seriously and wants to marry in a few years. We have good communication for the most part, bringing up our concerns and talking, sometimes arguing things out. We are similar in what we like to do and we talk a lot. This is my first relationship, so I am still figuring out what is “normal.” Even though we worked these things out, I don’t know why they still pester me in the back of my mind!

The only thing we seem to be different in is how fast we go physically. We make out and draw the line at dry humping. He often asked about going further, like “can you give me a blow job?” to which I’ve always said no. Before we began dry humping, he would often push me further. Before our first kiss, he kept asking to kiss me. When we would make out, he would ask for a hand job and seemed mad even if I said I wasn’t comfortable with doing that. He said that physical affection, especially little kisses, is the way he feels loved. He also sometimes feels frustrated if we make out and he doesn’t finish.

Sometimes I enjoy our physical time, but sometimes I feel guilt. I’m not sure if it’s because I was raised in purity culture that framed anything physical as wrong/shameful or if it’s because I am doing something PERSONALLY against what I believe. Additionally, for a long time he seemed to have trouble with when I said, “no.” If he tries to put his fingers under my clothes, I would say, “no”, but it would take a couple times for him to stop. He has been getting better, in that circumstance. However, lately he’s done things that I am concerned about. He went in my room on different days to masturbate with my underwear, even though I previously told him I didn’t want him touching my underwear. When I approached him about it, he said he was going to tell me. Also, when we were dozing on the couch, he pushed my underwear back and started stroking his fingers very close to my vagina—I pushed his hand away four times before he stopped.

When we talked about it, he said he was extremely sorry and it would never happen again. I told him these things were serious to me and I was hurt that he doesn’t listen. He replied, “are you always going to feel like you can’t trust me when I mess up?” We both know he has a problem and he’s going to receive counseling in the fall. He’s not a creepy guy, he’s not a bad guy. Why do I feel so nervous? Why do I feel like I have lost so much trust?

I am going to have to disagree with some of what has been said. I don't think she is a 'tease'. I think she is a young woman who is confused between upbringing and natural urges and a man who is essentially breaking down her barriers. While she can say 'no' and walk away, it sounds like he is using manipulation and all but coercion to get what he wants.

Dozing on a couch is not being a tease. Saying 'no' to certain acts and being manipulated by a male using his needs and urges to guilt/pressure her into doing what he wants is not being a tease. If she were 14 and he was 19 or old, we would call his behavior 'grooming'.

Catherine, you are not responsible for his inability to control his urges or 'getting him off'. He may or may not have issues that need counseling. That is between him and his counselor. However, it is a huge warning sign that he takes your property to masturbate on without getting your permission and against your stated wishes.

I don't think you can trust him. I think his defense of “are you always going to feel like you can’t trust me when I mess up?” is a way to make you think you are in the wrong and to question your beliefs and boundaries. I think he is about one step away from taking dry humping to actual sex and convincing you that you are a bad person/tease and don't love him if you object. I almost bet you have heard the phrase "If you love me...." more times than you can count.

If he isn't listening to you and accepting your needs and boundaries, then he doesn't love you. He is using you. Frankly, I don't see him staying around if you stopped playing his games.

I agree that I think you should walk away from this relationship. There are men out there who will respect your boundaries.

Being in a relationship should enhance how you feel about yourself. It should encourage a desire to grow and explore being a couple on all levels. You should feel safe and secure. You shouldn't have to watch every move you make for fear that your dress, a hug, a kiss, a smile, etc. is leading him on. Cuddling should be a safe way to share affection instead of a battle of wills.