I'll try and make this short.. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half, all last year he put everything else ahead of me and my son from a previous relationship. I had surgery and nobody to help me and he took off to a baseball tournament for four days to drink with his friends and play ball. He left on my sons birthday too for another ball tournament, he didn't work he was on EI all year last year and did nothing but drink beer be drunk and play sports which he is obsessed with, also he very obviously would check out other girls while I'm standing right in front of him, many times, it made me feel sick, he also flirted with them as well. I hate to admit it but I snooped his cell phone and saw when we were first exclusively together that he was telling other girls that they had nice smiles and they were saying 'it's too bad your taken'

So long story short, I was super pissed about all of that, and can't believe I stayed with him! But here's the shocker.. I actually moved in with this guy, 6 months ago and he's been so much different, he is quite honestly a changed man, doesn't drink every day, doesn't disrespect me anymore, treats me quite well! A complete 180!

However.. I'm still hurt and carry resentment for all the hurt he caused me to have last summer! I can't completely trust this guy and I want to so badly! It's like I can't get over it no matter how many times we have talked about it, and now we fight and I get mad every time he goes to play baseball because all I can picture is him checking out other girls and being unfaithful and drinking beers being a typical gross guy.

So I'm feeling like this won't get better cause I can't forget the past. But now he's changed into this wonderful man who loves my son and me more than anything... How do I learn to get over the past? Or can I? Because its destroying my future :( it doesn't help that I am already insecure, and not feeling very attractive at the moment with putting on some weight from a new birth control.

Btw the copper iud is the devil. Thank you.

It will get better if you want it to. You are already recognizing that you don't want to feel this way, and that's a first step that you are opening up to want to change. Maybe you cannot help the way that old frustrating events have made you feel, but you darn can help what you do about them. I think the best way to let it go is by acknowledging them, and then count the blessings you have NOW. By being grateful for what you have NOW, you allow old wounds to heal, by reinforcing the good stuff that is now and diminishing the bad stuff to the past.

We never forget unfortunately, but we can forgive ourselves, and others, and be thoughtful of what we say and do TODAY. I think your feelings are based in FEAR, making you angry, and insecure, at the little things and make them bigger and scarier than they need be. A few pounds should not define you and certainly should not add to your insecurities, especially since things have gotten better, by your own words, but you don't seem to have gotten better yourself.

Make that conscious effort to THINK before you speak or act, and be willing to say you are sorry for wrong words or acts and acknowledge that you are working on the issues you have instead of just acting them out. Now I don't know how the birth control hormones affect your emotions in all this but you can talk to your doctor about it, and maybe learn some ways that helps from those conversation, so have it. By being good to yourself you can share that instead of insecurity and fear.

If I were you maybe worry less about the future, and worry about just making TODAY a good one with small steps and little adjustments in your own words and actions, especially in the way you talk to YOURSELF!! Hell if my ugly arse can get a smile every morning from the person in the mirror so can you. All you have to do is smile first. How hard is THAT?

Hell lady, if you know you are insecure, why do you have to act that way? Take stock of yourself, and act like you are grateful for what you have. Lol, my wife ask me years ago why I get mad when she vents the bad feelings from her system? Ask your man that. I think we all take things way too personally and make it about us, when in fact it's NOT. I suspect you both have to learn how to communicate and relate to each other better, and I think that's always the frustrating part of any relationship, LEARNING how to honestly communicate.

The wife and I are still working at it, after 40 years believe it or not, so why do you expect perfection or close to it after only a few years? Very unrealistic, and frustrating I'm sure going through the process of life with all that can and does happen. I think the best way to unpack your baggage, is commit to the adventure ahead. Your body has done the work to get you there, now your mind and soul and heart have to follow... and that takes time so stop beating yourself up.

Just be good TODAY. Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

After 13 years together, my husband left me but then came back, and I thought I'd be deliriously happy. I wasn't. I tried, but was petty, full of unspoken recriminations. There was no point in talking it out, because I was equally responsible for the failures first time around, and part of his sweetness was a total unwillingness to talk about the past.

So I'm not one to give advice! You are the only one who can decide to try or to leave. Trying will be constant. Look inside yourself to see if there were things about you that contributed to whatever was wrong. You list some of what he did wrong... was there anything about you? He suddenly had you to support, and your son. That was a tall order. Missing his young fun and all... then he got older.

It isn't easy online to figure out which came first, the mistrust or the flirting. His flirting sounds normal and even healthy. No one, man nor woman, should weave a cocoon around a partner. Jealousy is a poison. So is snooping! If you want something solid to start with, start with mistrust about other women. WELCOME those other women. Paradoxically, they help glue you together. Best way to deal with it? Joking about it. "Oh sure, all these cute young things while I sit her with my stretch marks turning into your mother" and laugh and say go get your own beer or make your own dinner. And give him a good punch.

Relationships do not come with a 'be happy all the time card' and pie in the sky. They are hard work and always need re-vamping. The fact that you cant get by what happened before probably means you have a glitch in your personality that will never go away until you start seriously working on it. Just get over yourself, be less selfish and you will find happiness.

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Originally Posted by terripie84

I'll try and make this short.. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half, all last year he put everything else ahead of me and my son from a previous relationship. I had surgery and nobody to help me and he took off to a baseball tournament for four days to drink with his friends and play ball. He left on my sons birthday too for another ball tournament, he didn't work he was on EI all year last year and did nothing but drink beer be drunk and play sports which he is obsessed with, also he very obviously would check out other girls while I'm standing right in front of him, many times, it made me feel sick, he also flirted with them as well. I hate to admit it but I snooped his cell phone and saw when we were first exclusively together that he was telling other girls that they had nice smiles and they were saying 'it's too bad your taken'

So long story short, I was super pissed about all of that, and can't believe I stayed with him! But here's the shocker.. I actually moved in with this guy, 6 months ago and he's been so much different, he is quite honestly a changed man, doesn't drink every day, doesn't disrespect me anymore, treats me quite well! A complete 180!

However.. I'm still hurt and carry resentment for all the hurt he caused me to have last summer! I can't completely trust this guy and I want to so badly! It's like I can't get over it no matter how many times we have talked about it, and now we fight and I get mad every time he goes to play baseball because all I can picture is him checking out other girls and being unfaithful and drinking beers being a typical gross guy.

So I'm feeling like this won't get better cause I can't forget the past. But now he's changed into this wonderful man who loves my son and me more than anything... How do I learn to get over the past? Or can I? Because its destroying my future :( it doesn't help that I am already insecure, and not feeling very attractive at the moment with putting on some weight from a new birth control.

Btw the copper iud is the devil. Thank you.

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I had a saying a while back, "Life is a pile of poop. Those who are brave enough to get their hands dirty can build something beautiful out of it." A lot of the early part of a relationship is getting to know your partner and your partner getting to know you. Figuring out what you can get away with and how much you can walk over your mate. It is one of those guilty will things we all do and often don't admit to. There is a lot of adjusting and a lot of work required. But once you get that work in and things figured out then the outcome is often a beautiful thing.

First off you need to realize that snooping is a sign of a lack of trust. IF you can't trust your mate then there will be no relationship. You're going to sabotage things testing him and trying to get him to fail the 'trust tests' until he does fail or get sick of things and leave. Leave his phone along. If you have a question for him then ask him. Talk to him. I get the feeling that you don't really talk to him but talk at him. Regardless communication is key.

Second is a profundity of men: We check out women even when we're paired off with a mate. You could be married and madly in love with your wife, but if the right woman walks down the street you can guess that their eyes are going up and down that woman. It is a biological instinct that can't control well, nor do we really want to. Some people are better at hiding it but I can guarantee that most, if not all, men do it.

Thirdly, the flirting might seem worrysome, but remember that it is your bed he comes home too. In my humble, but not always shared, opinion flirting isn't dangerous or cheating. It is just flirting. I wouldn't put too much stock in it, especially in the early days of a relationship. Doing it openly in front of you is poor taste but it isn't a sign that he's cheating.

You can't forget the past but you can forgive it. Remember that past performance isn't always, an indicator of future growth. Which is to say that you need to look at how things are before you look at how they were. You need to get over what happened in the early part of the relationship or else you're going to doom it. What I would suggest you do is start a journal and every time you get the "Well he used to..." thoughts, write them down in the journal. Then you need to contemplate what you thought and why, as well as why it is CURRENTLY not an issue. What this will do is start you on the path of acceptance of his previous performance, and allow you to concentrate on the future.

Lastly when you two 'fight' you need to distill in your mind what is going on and why. You can't attack him, you need to explain what you feel and why. You need to trust what he says. You just need to talk.

As for your weight gain, trust me when I say that doesn't matter. He loves you and you don't need a perfect body. It matters so very little compared to what you think it matters.

Good luck.