Ask Me Help Desk - Is it the son or the mother?

My question is how can I make my boyfriends mom accept the fact that her son isn't a child anymore he's 32 years old!
I've known these people since I was 2 years old. So they're not strangers whatsoever. But I didn't realize what type of person she was until I moved in.

She tells my boyfriend when to eat, when to take a shower, even gives him is medication. Him and I can't even sit outside and talk late because she calls him to come inside.
My boyfriend and her are always constantly fighting because he tells her to back off because he's not a child, but does what she says just to avoid her screaming and complaining.

There's two other things I can't stand her doing is telling him where he has to work at, and she doesn't allow my boyfriend be a father to his son. He isn't allowed to take his son anywhere.

I love this man, but damn I'm tired of this. I want to run as fast as I can but I feel bad for him. When he leaves his mom pretends to be sick and he goes back.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE

You can't do anything, it is up to your boyfriend to cut the cord if he is so unhappy with the situation. At 32, he is likely not to change, although perhaps your deciding to move out might be the catalyst, who knows?

Either learn to accept their relationship, how annoying that may be for you, or move out. Does he have any plans to move out of her home? While she may tell him what to do, it sounds as though she does quite a lot for him, so he may not want to give that up. I'd have a serious discussion with him... what are the plans? When is YOUR family going to move out? His response may help you decide whether he even wants to, however much he may complain.

He wants to go with me when I move out.
He tells her to leave him alone. He wants her to let go and she doesn't. She went as far as to have him committed to a mental institution and was denied because he's perfectly
Stable. She even asked an attorney assist her so she can be his power of attorney. To me she's nuts!

You can't make his mother do anything. Unless and until you all move out of her home, you can expect thus to continue.

At 32 you should be living on your own. Why is he still living with her?

You have known them forever, but only now have an up close and personal view of their relationship. I highly suggest you try to understand it, and accept it, because no change you want, or that makes sense to you will change it, at least not from you anyway at THIS time, as aggravating, and frustrating as it is. After all despite what you think of HER, he is still the same guy you have known, and seeing what he goes through should bring some empathy in that he is a great guy who dotes on his mother, and still loves you and his son.

Imagine what he feels being in the middle of the two females he loves in life, both of which want all of him. Sure you can talk and discuss YOUR feelings but also allow him HIS, and the space to process his actions HIS way, in HIS time. Never forget you are in her life AND HOUSE (She sounds like a control freak who fights the changes he has gone through, probably because HE her son is ALL she has!), and no doubt she wants you the outsider to bend to her RULE!

For now you do, and temper your approach to her, by engaging respectfully to get her respect, as that's what I think is at the heart of this is the way I think she treats YOU, as a stranger in her house and life. Funny, how you make NO reference to YOUR relationship with her, which has to be even more frustrating as what you see of their relationship to say the least.

Yes he lets her, and has always let her have her way, but any healthy changes will take years of interaction, and gaining her trust to loosen the reins of what she has been doing all their lives. Not easy as I make it sound, but the transition from strangers that have known each other a long time to FAMILY is never that easy to begin with.

Where is your family? Do you take your child to visit them regularly? How does his mother treat you as the other female in the house? I respectfully submit this is far more complicated than just their relationship, and speaks loudly to YOUR relationship with HER, than his.

Care to share that? For the record, I think she is afraid of losing the only thing in life she has has cared about, and will be alone without him, and that I agree may have her acting like a NUT!!

No doubt she resents you for being that catalyst, but what do you expect from a guy who has been with mama all his life?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You have known them forever, but only now have an up close and personal view of their relationship. I highly suggest you try to understand it, and accept it, because no change you want, or that makes sense to you will change it, at least not from you anyway at THIS time, as aggravating, and frustrating as it is. After all despite what you think of HER, he is still the same guy you have known, and seeing what he goes through should bring some empathy in that he is a great guy who dotes on his mother, and still loves you and his son.

Imagine what he feels being in the middle of the two females he loves in life, both of which want all of him. Sure you can talk and discuss YOUR feelings but also allow him HIS, and the space to process his actions HIS way, in HIS time. Never forget you are in her life AND HOUSE (She sounds like a control freak who fights the changes he has gone through, probably because HE her son is ALL she has!), and no doubt she wants you the outsider to bend to her RULE!

For now you do, and temper your approach to her, by engaging respectfully to get her respect, as that's what I think is at the heart of this is the way I think she treats YOU, as a stranger in her house and life. Funny, how you make NO reference to YOUR relationship with her, which has to be even more frustrating as what you see of their relationship to say the least.

Yes he lets her, and has always let her have her way, but any healthy changes will take years of interaction, and gaining her trust to loosen the reins of what she has been doing all their lives. Not easy as I make it sound, but the transition from strangers that have known each other a long time to FAMILY is never that easy to begin with.

Where is your family? Do you take your child to visit them regularly? How does his mother treat you as the other female in the house? I respectfully submit this is far more complicated than just their relationship, and speaks loudly to YOUR relationship with HER, than his.

Care to share that? For the record, I think she is afraid of losing the only thing in life she has has cared about, and will be alone without him, and that I agree may have her acting like a NUT!!

No doubt she resents you for being that catalyst, but what do you expect from a guy who has been with mama all his life?

She has three kids, my boyfriend is the middle child and she is still married with my boyfriends father. Her older son is in prison with a drug charge. Her and I get along very well but I believe that if she keeps on making it easy for them they well never learn.

She is always saying how much stress she has, I tell her that she needs to let her two boys which are men grow up and learn on their own. All she is doing is adding on more unnecessary stress.

I noticed you said "His Son" does he have a son by another woman? If so, he has tried his wings out and is back home. If you marry this guy you will be getting a "nanny" for your husband also. Do you want that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jackieflame

She has three kids, my boyfriend is the middle child and she is still married with my boyfriends father. Her older son is in prison with a drug charge. Her and I get along very well but I believe that if she keeps on making it easy for them they well never learn.

She is always saying how much stress she has, I tell her that she needs to let her two boys which are men grow up and learn on their own. All she is doing is adding on more unnecessary stress.

The real stress is you and your BOYFRIEND should be in your own house anyway, and let her deal with her stress with her family, and let your BOYFRIEND deal with HIS own family stress with YOU! The issue becomes why is this NOT SO?

Can you not see that as a girlfriend you have little standing to make changes in his family dynamic, and it is with him to become independent with you and your child in his own home. She is NOT the issue........he is, and ONLY he can deal with it.

Quote:

Is it the son or the mother?

In my opinion it's ALL on the SON!

One of the things I learned in my life says that you can never change other people's behavior or actions if they don't want to. What you can do is change yours in order to have an impact in your life and others surrounding you. You have known them for years but now you are understanding the real things behind the cover!

The first question comes, why he is still living with his family. Is it the culture or she just does not want him to move? As his girlfriend, you have to take some vital steps that will either result into having better relationship among you all or worse. Before making any decision, make sure it makes you happy because you would not be involved into deeper problems if there will be any.

Obeying the orders just to make the situation and his mom calm does not reflect his strength He is the one who should be making decisions for himself and if he can't and does not even want to then, lady, I guess you should know what you should do. Don't frustrate yourself for others. When he wants to spend time with you and just because his mom calls him inside and he leaves is ridiculous thing for a grown up man to do.

Also, you are living the experience, so know if there is anything that you are missing out in this situation. Sometimes, pain blurs the crucial things from our sight.

Blessings!

It sounds like an adult/child interdependent abuse situation. The mother sounds as though she's been through a lot with her boys and controls because of her worry for their well-being but to a toxic state. If you have a good relationship with his mother then continue and as it goes for his relationship with his mother - it will be very difficult for you to provide any advice as he has to be the one to talk to his mother. I'd also worry about the well being of the child... it is none of the mothers business to interfere with your boyfriends and your boyfriends son on a parenting level and that relationship is the most important here. He's going to have to pull his pants up, take ownership, set boundaries and start living his own life. If he can't do it for himself then he won't do it for you. This sounds like a very toxic relationship and the only remidie will be to create some distance and healthy boundaries but continue to show love and compassion. Where you are at with fighting with your boyfriend will aggrivate the situation more. How to deal with it on your end is difficult because you don't have anywhere to go as you live in the house as well and I'm certian there is a lack of privacy and everyone is around each other all the time. I'm sorry but I will have to agree with everyone else here on those points but if I was you... I'd pick up and leave - I'd not leave as a final dissolve of the relationship but I would not want to be a benifactor of the toxicity. I didn't get if this is your son with your boyfriend or your boyfriends child from a previous relationship but if the child is your son... I'd remove him as it sounds very dysfunctional and unhealthy for all of you.

Luna, you brought up a post from April that is a little too old to keep discussing. The poster probably doesn't subscribe to emails from responses anymore, or check back.

It is an interesting one though! My temptation is to say that Jackieflame had no intention of doing anything. She answered any suggestion with more stories, a classic sign of someone who just likes to complain. I hope I'm wrong, she's see this, and comes back to say she moved out!

Good to note to check dates... I've had a few responses from OP's from posts dated back when... I suppose I can and will look for dates going forward and appreciate your saving efforts. Duly noted my friend thank you.

He's 32 and you are presumably also an adult. Perhaps she's treating him like a child because he is one in terms of his behavior - like living in his mom's house at that age. As for what led to you moving into your boyfriend's mother's house - that's a whole other story but it's not a good idea.

If you want an adult relationship you need to pick someone who's leading an adult life and also be leading an adult life yourself. So that starts with each being able to support yourselves and provide yourselves with housing without his mother's help.

You can't fix this mess except for the part of you being a woman who's willing to date and move in with a guy who lives with his mother and behaves like a helpless child. Your own behavior is a problem in this equation - why don't you go get yourself an apartment, and set the bar higher on who you are willing to date... like starting with men with jobs and their own homes.