But I don't want to break up...
You can get some background from a post I wrote back in February. Things haven't been like that in the last month, thankfully. He still picks on me but he has gotten a lot better. BUT...
Shortly after I wrote that post, I started leaning towards wondering if my boyfriend was cheating on me, though I didn't think he would really do this, he is not that type of guy, I know his family, and we are always together except of course when he is at work, but I wondered if he was maybe talking to other girls are something, I just haven't been feeling wanted so to speak. My boyfriend does pay for a lot, pretty much everything. I have been job hunting for months now since getting laid off in January & finally got an awesome job I start at a week from tomorrow. So my boyfriend paid my car payment last month, my storage unit, my car insurance, my food, gas etc. I feel bad about it because I hate relying on others but I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise.
Anyway, early last month (March), shortly after my last post, I decided to go through his phone (something I have never ever done, big no-no, I know). He had left to the store to get baseballs to practice baseball with my son & he left his phone home, which he must've forgotten. My son pointed it out after my boyfriend left, he said 'OH, he forgot his cell phone!'. I kept staring at it, trying to talk myself out of it, but I grabbed it, guessed what I thought he passcode was (which I was right) & browsed...
The first thing I went on was his Facebook messages. I found a couple bull ones to guy friends & then I found a conversation between him & what I know to be a woman he used to see for a little while, in the message they were talking about how miserable her life is now w a guy she is dating (she & this guy live in another state), my boyfriend was giving her advice, and then at one point started asking her what she was wearing, she wrote back what she was wearing, they joked back & forth about what color her bra & undies were, and they were sending smiles & winks back & forth. At one point he even told this woman he was unhappy w his life now. Another message was between him & this random woman who lives out of state who has a lot of modeling/half nude pics on her Facebook page. I don't know how they know each other, but the message was pretty much one sided, my boyfriend was asking her how she was, and how proud he was of her for turning her life around from drugs, and then he told her he heard she was doing fully nude pics & asked if she wouldn't mind sending him some to see.
I knew I only had so much time before my boyfriend would get home, so after that, I went into his text messages, I opened a few that were from women, some were bull stuff about work, some were just random work related questions, and then there was a text from the end of December this past year. This woman & him were in a very deep sexting session. He was asking her if she missed his manhood, she was saying yes of course. He was telling her he was unhappy, she asked him how she could help, he said by shooting his load off. And then they went into sexting, very detailed. He kept writing things like 'again' which made me think he had been with this woman before. Towards the end of the text, she was begging him to come over to her house, she was telling him how she didn't have her kids that night & how bad she wanted him to come over. That was the end of the text, her begging him, there was nothing written back from him.
When he got home from getting the baseballs, I left his phone on the bed opened to the screen of sexting texts between him & that woman, so that when he went to grab his phone he would see them first & know I know. But he didn't come inside right away, he immediately started playing ball with my son. So I went outside & started putting my stuff I had at his house into my car. He asked me what I was doing & I ignored him because I was so heated I wanted to make sure whatever I said back didn't sound stupid or vulnerable. I came back inside, got more of my stuff, brought it out to my car & he asks me again what I am doing & what's wrong, I replied without stopping loading up my car, 'why don't you ask _______ (the woman's name)'. He hesitated, but didn't go inside to see his phone, so I told him next time he leaves he should try to remember his phone. I told my kids to get into the car. My boyfriend must have then realized who I was referring to, he tried to stop me but I left. I brought my kids to their dads (who I was bringing them to anyway that afternoon). My boyfriend kept calling my phone which I didn't answer. And he left a voicemail apologizing & kept saying he wanted to explain (which he was also saying just before I left, which my reply was that there is nothing to explain, there is no way out of that one). When I got back to his house a couple hours later, he wanted to talk but I told him we were done, that I had a hunch & all this time he was picking on me & making me feel inadequate & insignificant, I was right & he was wrong, and that I don't date cheaters. He kept saying he didn't cheat, that he never met up with these women while him & I were dating, I didn't believe him at first, but after going off on him & saying my piece, I went & sat outside, where he followed me & he just burst into tears. He said he loves me & the kids, that he didn't mean to hurt me, that he was sorry, that he doesn't want to even picture his life without me in it, he wants to marry me one day & grow old together. He told me a whole lot that I had never heard him say before because he is not the mushy affectionate 'talk about our future-in-love type'. I asked him why he was talking to them, why did he do all that, and his response was two things (bare with me here because his reasons are going to sound absolutely absurd).
Okay, I don't want to get too detailed here, but my boyfriend & I have in the past talked about threesomes. Its only something we have really talked about while having intercourse because it gets turned on. But I thought he knew I wasn't actually serious about having one. One of the excuses he had for why he was flirting w these women like that, especially the one he was sexting was because he was trying to see if she would be into a threesome, but what is interesting is, there is nothing in these messages about threesomes, its just him & them. He told me he got carried away in the text with the one woman. Then he told me its an alpha-male thing. He told me he knows its going to sound weird but that he likes to know that he's still 'got it' so to speak, without pursuing anything physically. He said he would flirt like that just to see that they're interested & then he would drop off the conversation, which he says is what happened with the woman he was sexting, she was begging him to come over & he stopped texting her. So those are his reasons...
After a day or so I decided I was going to stay with me, he promised me he would never do it again because he had the fear in him that I would leave him & he didn't want that. He apologized a bunch & he said he would prove himself to me. A week or so went by & he still picks on me here & there, not as bad, but I make little comments here & there about these other women & then I feel myself getting heated all over again. I am insecure as heck since all this. I am constantly comparing myself to other women, putting down other innocent women to him when they pass us, and I still feel broken inside. I have become very bitter. Skeptical. I even went in his phone again (he says he left his password the same so that he can show me he's not hiding anything), and I found nude pics of all kinds of women, some that look like they were sent to him, a few of that woman he was sexting (which was obviously from their sexting session), even screenshots of Facebook profile pictures of women that he is friends with. Which that really makes me wonder, why does he need snapshots of a headshot of random women? Is it so he can remember who is available to mess with, instead of writing down these potential women he just keeps their picture in his phone so he remembers? Its got my mind spinning. Since this all happened in March, I have went into his phone & only found two pictures that were half nudes that were of the woman I mentioned who models, the one he was asking for nudes of. Those pictures are also publicly on Facebook, that's how I know she didn't sent them to him. Im not an idiot, I know that he could still be talking to women & deleting the messages before he leaves his phone on the dresser & takes a shower, knowing well that I can look at it. He gets annoyed when I make comments or bring up the other women lately, he is starting to say things like 'you need to learn to trust me again, I am with you constantly, I am not doing anything behind your back & I am not talking to any more women.' I just cant help it though, I feel so betrayed & broken! I never worried that he would do something like he did, and since I found out he did, its tearing me up inside. I really don't believe that he physically cheated, but even if he didn't physically cheat, he emotionally cheated on me, he was intimate w them, he looked at their bodies & commented on them & he told them he wasn't happy. It still hurts. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be a pushover & dumbass either.
(see comments for the rest.. it only let me post so much)