I have been with my husband for four years and we have a 3 year old son. I don't think there is a womanin this world who has been through what I have been through considering that I am only 24. He has cheated on me more than 5 times and I always find myself back in his arms. Just recently I made it clear to him that I am not comfortable with him having female friends I don't know. If it's a workmate then let it end there but recently he received a call from a woman and surprisingly she was saved in his phone under a mans name. This was really suspicious though he keeps insisting they are just friends and so does she. But he has cheated so many times before and this whole friend thing coould just be a coverup. My confidence has completely vanished and I am in such an unhealthy emotional state. Its surprising because I have great looks and a great body but I feel if he can't truly love me then maybe I'm not worth

Honey you have to quit putting yourself down. You are not the person in the wrong here. It is very suspitous that he saved her phone number under a boys name. You need to revaluate your relationship. You don't trust him. He has a history of cheating not just once but five times. As the saying goes "do me wrong once..shame on you...do me wrong twice..shame on me." I don't think that this marriage is worth saving. He obviously doesn't care about you if he is cheating and lying. And you can't live your life always worrying whether he is out with someone else. Do you trust him? Do you still love him, or are you with him in fear of failure?

Remember it is not your looks or anything to do with you, men who cheat have the real problem, many will have self worth issues and want or need a new love to prove they are still that way. Others are just dogs that will sleep with anything that wonders in their path ( and I do some dogs an injustice since many men are worst)

But yes since he ha already proved to be untrust worthy, he needs to go an extra mile to prove things, he is not, and of course this is a sign that he is cheating, since it shows he is hiding her for one, and that they are talking about non work things.

It is easy if he wants to make things work at home, he has to do things to prove it, he does not want to change.

So he needs help, counseling, I would suggest marriage counseling if this is going to work

I'm all for doing tough work to save a marriage.

But you don't "find yourself" in his arms. You choose to be there. Own that decision. Its yours, right or wrong.

So... what has he done to work on the marriage?

I have a great amount of trust in my wife. She works with men in a male dominated field. She could easily have an affair if she wanted to. But I trust her. Great place to be.

Your husband doesn't deserve your trust and should be working his arse off to keep you.

A cheater will cheat, even if you are perfect in every way. You don't understand its not you that is imperfect, its him. He's the one who is "broken".

Unless he's seriously willing to work on the marriage, and unless he's really taken some big steps to prove he is now willing to honor his vows, you have every reason to be concerned.

I'm one of the more vocal people here that says married people of the opposite sex can be good friends. But its all about trust. And he's repeatedly violated your trust.

You need to work on defining yourself outside of his screwed up actions. Again, an addict is an addict, whether you are beautiful or not. But don't let him be labeled as a victim. And don't let yourself be either.

You do have choices... even with the little on involved. You get the respect you demand. And if he doesn't give it, then you need to decide if he's worth lowering your standards.

As I said, I'm all for doing the hard work to save a marriage. But one person can't do it all. Don't put up with another minute of BS. Counseling is an option you might want to consider. Sometimes talking to someone can help you figure yourself out... just like you did in posting here.

He has cheated on you 5 times and you have gone back to him each and ever time and you wonder if you're a doormat. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Clearly you have given him the message that it is OK to sleep with other women. How is that you say. You have excused 5 affairs. I will tell this story again hoping it clears the head of those who ask 'should I stay". I knew a young lady who at the age of 16 had to raise her little sister by herself. Why. Her father had numerous affairs. He got AIDS and passed it on to her mother. They both died. So I ask you? Are you comfortable with him putting your life at risk. Are you comfortable with the fact that IF he gives you a deadly disease that you will leave your son alone.
You say you made it clear that he can not have female friends that YOU don't know about. Women will cheat with your husband and smile in your face while they eat dinner with you. Don't get into some false sense of security that if you know them then nothing will happen. Cleary this most recent incident is a clear indication that he may be up to it again. So what are you going to do about it? 5 times! There is nothing to fix but the front door, as in put his out and change the locks. When you decided that you want better you will do what it takes to get better.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/images/icons/icon9.gif am i a doormat?

The short answer is yes, The solution is to get him out of your life and do what it takes to get healthy and find your own happiness. Just as you chose to let this man use and abuse you, you can make the choice to change all of that around and have a good life with love and respect. Your choice plain and simple.

Yes, this is being a doormat. You need to leave him, for your own good, and for your son.
Staying together will only lead to more problems, and you don't want your son to be around that kind of environment. You want him to grow by example, and this can lead him to be disrespectful to women, and lose hope for real love in life. (And all of this subconsciously of course).
There are many effects it can have on him. And most are negative.
Leave your husband, and work on yourself. You want to stay friends of course, for the well-being of your son.
You want to spend as much time on yourself as you can. Now it's all about you.
You will not be able to help anyone else, or accomplish anything before you focus on yourself first.
Then, find someone new, who makes you feel great about yourself.
And DON'T BE A DOORMAT!
The MINUTE a guy disrespects you, STOP answering his calls, until he shows the respect you deserve. If he doesn't, then find someone new.
Never settle for less than the best.

He keeps finding you back in his arms so YES he sees you as a push over and figures he can and WILL do whatever he wants because he 'knows' you will keep coming back.

Yes you are acting like a doormat by staying. I know how it feels when you feel like your life is spinning out of control and your life is not yours anymore. I know how it feels to love someone so much that you would compromise your own self and own happiness for him. But I will tell you one thing, no one in this world is worth you losing yourself over. You may feel like your life is spinning out of control and you do not have any control over it. Wake up and take control of your life because it is YOURS! You cannot control what he does, you can only control YOU. Separate from him and get your life back.

Hmmmmm wow, why hide the phone number under a false name if there is nothing to it, I may sound like a hipocrit but I was that guy doing the same thing, it took almost losing my wife and my daughter for me to admit I had a problem but my thing was chatting, it was never physical, but chatting can be just as bad. My wife has been very understanding and she stood by my side throughout counseling and groups, if you think your marriage is worth saving I suggest you try to get him to see your point of view and maybe start some counseling.

Foxy,

Are you're a doormat, I don't know, can I stomp on you, your feelings, emotions along with bonzo the hubby?

Please, step back a little bit and reverse your thinking. If you were behaving like this to your husband, would he keep you or trash you for the figurative slut you were?

I'm pretty sure you be out with the morning trash and forgotten just as soon!

I am very much an advocate of staying married. However from what I read in your posting, you are the only one in your family that is married.

There are some certainty's her. You and every other female on the face of this good earth have the same basic sexual and reproductive components. No big surprise there.

So I ask you, what makes bonso feel the pain and misery he is inflicting on you and his child is okay? This guy is not worthy of any future commitments from you.

When he heads out the door the next time, nail the door shut after putting a sing on the door stating that a real husband and farther is needed, not the former pig that was in residence. Then head anywhere that it is peaceful and quiet for a couple of days.

For safety's sake, seek the assistance of a spouse abuse center near you.

There is absolutely no reason for any man to treat his wife with such crappy behavior.

You should do what is best for you and I think you know what that is. Your husband is toxic and dangerous as well - have you considered the sexually transmitted diseases he may be exposing you to by being unable to keep his pants zipped! He sounds young and immature. Remember people only change if and when they want to, not because we want them to. If his behavior persists, do what is best for you.

Fyi, the original poster has not been here in over a year.

And if you look at her number of posts and then her profile, you'll see that she never once came back to view a single answer, so this thread is very dead.

Ill do this too from time to time... add to a thread where the person is long gone and my time spent answering could better help a person who is present and in need now.

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