Ask Me Help Desk - Not sure if my partner will ever propose

Ok so we've been together for 5 years and we never fight we've worked out certain things in life now and what we want out of our relationship. I'm not a jealous person and it's odd feeling this way but recently it seems everyone around me is getting engaged having kids etc and we are still just dating. He knows I want to get married and he has said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life which is very reassuring but I'm slightly confused because if that's the case why doesn't he want to take the next step. He talks about it and our future children so it's not like we have never spoken about it but it's like he says it all but doesn't act.

I'm getting older now and I do mention that to him and I said I don't want to be 40 getting married and having our kids at that age. So what I'm getting at is how is it that people who have been less than a year together for example get married but people who have been together years take forever to get engaged. I just get annoyed sometimes and then think I shouldn't feel like that it'll happen when it happens but sometimes I just can't help but get down. I love my partner and I know he loves me but how long can it possibly take to get to the next level.

We both know a couple who took 10 years until the guy proposed and even my partner was like that it was too long but 5 years is a bit long too! I've even told my partner weddings take a minimum of 1.5 years to plan you don't get engaged and married the next day and it's not like he is afraid of marriage so I'm not sure what I'm missing and I have asked him before about it and he said it'll happen but that's about it not too much of like at least an idea of when or if he has concerns or even if he doesn't want too so it's sort of like limbo.

At times I've even given up and just thought we'll just be a defacto style of couple but to be honest every girl wants to get married and make her man happy for the rest of his life. Also a side note. I never force him or give ultimatums, money is not an issue either. We are set it's honestly just making us husband and wife. His family has never had any issues with divorce or sour relationships to put him off so it's a bit confusing. Has anyone else sort of felt like they're in limbo?

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I've even told my partner weddings take a minimum of 1.5 years to plan you don't get engaged and married the next day

What if he did say he wanted to get married NOW? Would you? A year and a half to plan a wedding (and a lavish honeymoon no doubt!)? I think with most guys that's the wrong approach seeing as how EVERYTHING is going to change including the finances.

What else is on your wish list?

A year and a half to plan a wedding?! You must have an enormous budget and expect an extravagant wedding and reception. A beautiful wedding and reception can be done in 6 months or less.

After 5 years together, why were you waiting on him? Turn the tables, mix it up. Propose to him!

Some guys take forever to pop that question. It’s like they are hanging on to that last bit of singleness that they won’t let go from. Fear of commitment and that license represents commitment. My first marriage I was scared to death even though we had one child on the way. I know this couple who have been together over 30 years and they never did get married.

Maybe you should look at not putting yourself or considering yourself in limbo. You have a committed partner who loves you and you two have shared 5 years together. That’s pretty special too.

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Some guys take forever to pop that question. It’s like they are hanging on to that last bit of singleness that they won’t let go from. Fear of commitment and that license represents commitment. My first marriage I was scared to death even though we had one child on the way. I know this couple who have been together over 30 years and they never did get married.

Maybe you should look at not putting yourself or considering yourself in limbo. You have a committed partner who loves you and you two have shared 5 years together. That’s pretty special too.

And I got tired of waiting after 5 years. I proposed, not him. I set the date as part of my proposal (yes, I am the woman) and we've been happily married for almost 23 years now.

Congrats and I have no issues with a woman asking. My first wife told me we were getting married so that's what I did. Sometimes men aren't good decision makers and need to be led to the water and then told to drink and then told to swallow the water. It's in our makeup.

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Originally Posted by J_9

And I got tired of waiting after 5 years. I proposed, not him. I set the date as part of my proposal (yes, I am the woman) and we've been happily married for almost 23 years now.

I tell the story, of the farmer, who was going to buy some milk cows, he went to the market, got the cows, but did not pay, saying he would pay later.

He milked the cows, sold the milk and had a good farm and happy life. So he never paid for the cows.

Why should he, why buy the cows, if the milk is free.

The other issue, of course you can get engaged and married the next day, 1000's of people do that.

I would say a large group do it in 6 months, a few a year.

If you are rich, and doing an extreme wedding, yes 18 months may be needed. So I will assume you are both super rich. And this is not going to be a normal wedding.

Now to your question, you just ask him, tell him it is now time to set a date, and set one.

Try to ask him frankly why until now he is still not proposing.

Good grief... a "minimum of a year and a half to plan the wedding"

I don't think Lady Di spend that long planning her wedding.

I know nobody I know (and I'm 55) has spent anywhere near that long planning theirs... and I know at least one that had a reception for over 4,500 (they knew a LOT of people)

Everyone took the whole 1.5years of planning literally it's more a statement then fact. People are and can be engaged for years does that mean they are super rich or want a lavish wedding no! What I'm saying is majority of men assume you propose you need to get married the next day and I wanted to reassure him that just because he proposes that doesn't mean we get married in 6months or less that we can enjoy the next step of our lives and slowly plan...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

What if he did say he wanted to get married NOW? Would you? A year and a half to plan a wedding (and a lavish honeymoon no doubt!)? I think with most guys that's the wrong approach seeing as how EVERYTHING is going to change including the finances.

What else is on your wish list?

I must admit all your answers are always blunt and inappropriate. Think outside the box a little. Just because I said 1.5 years doesn't mean rich lavish or I want/need. It was an example.
And if he did say get married now I'd say yes even if it was just me and him!

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Originally Posted by Confushasay

Ok so we've been together for 5 years and we never fight we've worked out certain things in life now and what we want out of our relationship. I'm not a jealous person and it's odd feeling this way but recently it seems everyone around me is getting engaged having kids etc and we are still just dating. He knows I want to get married and he has said he wants to be with me for the rest of his life which is very reassuring but I'm slightly confused because if that's the case why doesn't he want to take the next step. He talks about it and our future children so it's not like we have never spoken about it but it's like he says it all but doesn't act.

I'm getting older now and I do mention that to him and I said I don't want to be 40 getting married and having our kids at that age. So what I'm getting at is how is it that people who have been less than a year together for example get married but people who have been together years take forever to get engaged. I just get annoyed sometimes and then think I shouldn't feel like that it'll happen when it happens but sometimes I just can't help but get down. I love my partner and I know he loves me but how long can it possibly take to get to the next level.

We both know a couple who took 10 years until the guy proposed and even my partner was like that it was too long but 5 years is a bit long too! I've even told my partner weddings take a minimum of 1.5 years to plan you don't get engaged and married the next day and it's not like he is afraid of marriage so I'm not sure what I'm missing and I have asked him before about it and he said it'll happen but that's about it not too much of like at least an idea of when or if he has concerns or even if he doesn't want too so it's sort of like limbo.

At times I've even given up and just thought we'll just be a defacto style of couple but to be honest every girl wants to get married and make her man happy for the rest of his life. Also a side note. I never force him or give ultimatums, money is not an issue either. We are set it's honestly just making us husband and wife. His family has never had any issues with divorce or sour relationships to put him off so it's a bit confusing. Has anyone else sort of felt like they're in limbo?

One thing to think of is that he might not see the need to get married. You're already in a long term committed relationship. Neither of you are going anywhere. Why do you need a little piece of paper that says that when it is apparent that it is already the case? He might not see it as the next step in the relationship, or at least a step with the same importance as you do. I think you need to talk to him and get things started.

Depending on what you want to do and where 18 months can be a reasonable timeframe for a wedding. My wife and I had a small wedding in a moutain town. We put everything together within about 2-3 months. It was 25 people and was under $1k total. You can, if you want get married at the local courthouse, or las vegas, or wherever you want. It depends on WHAT you want. A catered wedding at a popular destination could be booked a year or more in advanced. Other venues can be booked months in advance. Just a small hack, when booking for your wedding, if you can avoid it don't mention that it is for a wedding, it will be cheaper depending on the product/vendor.

I think he is comfortable and throwing excuses to keep things the way they are. I would talk with him to get this moving forward.

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Originally Posted by Confushasay

Everyone took the whole 1.5years of planning literally it's more a statement then fact. People are and can be engaged for years does that mean they are super rich or want a lavish wedding no! What I'm saying is majority of men assume you propose you need to get married the next day and I wanted to reassure him that just because he proposes that doesn't mean we get married in 6months or less that we can enjoy the next step of our lives and slowly plan...

I must admit all your answers are always blunt and inappropriate. Think outside the box a little. Just because I said 1.5 years doesn't mean rich lavish or I want/need. It was an example.
And if he did say get married now I'd say yes even if it was just me and him!

It honestly sounds like you have chatted about this but not SERIOUS TALKED about this. You really need to take the bull by the horn and get the ball rolling.