Ask Me Help Desk - I think my partner is obsessed with fitness

So here's the down low.

My partner is obsessed with looking good. There's nothing wrong with that but what I mean by serious obsession is that he goes for runs two times a day goes to the gym 1 or 2 times a day and on top of that trains soccer 3 times a week. All he does is work and train and keeps complaining he isn't lean enough. At times I get tired of hearing him constantly say he needs to lean up or lose weight etc. I keep reassuring him that he is extremely fit as is but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. Every time we go out for dinner he'll eat carbs but then feel guilty and say he feels fat and uncomfortable. When I'm with him I feel guilty about eating because I think he thinks I'm a pig so I eat like him healthy. I never used to eat too bad but occasionally I do love my pizzas ice cream etc but now I find myself eating 1-2 a day only so when he isn't around I indulge.
I don't know what to say or do to make him stop being so obsessed he never used to be like this before we're not young anymore both in our early 30's. NO he is not cheating to look good for another woman and yes I do know that for a fact. I honestly don't care if he wants to be healthy and fit but I want him to tone it down and when I have brought it up he doesn't say anything it's odd. Is this a mid life crisis thing for men in their 30's or what? Has anyone else partners done this before? Just a side note before this fitness thing he was already extremely fit muscular/abs etc

How long have you been together? Staying fit is a constant battle and lifestyle. I doubt he will tone it down at his age since he is just approaching his prime years. If you aren't as dedicated to it as he is, then do your own thing.

What kind of job does he have? Probably some young 20 year old kid on the soccer field he is trying to keep up with. Because he is dedicated doesn't make him obsessed, but maybe annoying... to you. I have read you believe in couples enjoying friends, and hobbies as individuals, so let him enjoy his, while he has his youth, and can.

It could be a lot worse so ignore his complaints when he eats "unhealthy" stuff, and don't let his hobby/lifestyle make YOU feel guilty, or insecure. Trying to change a partner though has its own consequences. Especially when they don't want to change, or BE changed.

It's somewhat common that some people take this to an extreme. He's lost his perspective on what is a full life and he's lost his ability to balance what is healthy and what is not healthy. I assume you are feeling a lack of worth in the relationship and if untreated those feelings will only get worse. Have you had a conversation with him about this? This has to be difficult. My partner loves to work out and stays on a strict Paleo diet, but his working out and diet don't control his life so in that way I don't have the same perspective as you.

I think the root cause of this issue is the lack of honest communications that a couple needs to resolve whatever the issues are, to the benefit of both. That's why the biggest factor that I see is how long they have been together, as HONEST communications is a work in progress that's ever EVOLVING. I think when one partner's focus is on ways to change the other you dismiss the WHY they do what they do, and have no understanding of their point of view.

A couple has to work through these issues and be willing to LISTEN as well as EXPRESS their own side. If you have not asked him WHY he does what he does you totally miss important FACTS about him he needs to know. That he says nothing when you ask him to tone it down is a clear indication he doesn't agree, and has yielded no positive results, so change your DEMAND to a QUESTION and ask WHY. Be prepared to listen, and pay attention, not argue!

His side, whatever it is, is as VALID as yours in most cases. Especially if he hasn't asked YOU to participate in his hobby, or change what YOU do. Be fair while you examine his feelings as well as yours.

Compromise through communications is a PROCESS, and not an EVENT that one should not expect immediate results. Still takes WORK, as in WORK through it. You won't last long if you don't. Willingness and patience required. How long did you say you have been together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Confushasay

So here's the down low. My partner is obsessed with looking good. There's nothing wrong with that but what I mean by serious obsession is that he goes for runs two times a day goes to the gym 1 or 2 times a day and on top of that trains soccer 3 times a week. All he does is work and train and keeps complaining he isn't lean enough. At times I get tired of hearing him constantly say he needs to lean up or lose weight etc. I keep reassuring him that he is extremely fit as is but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. Every time we go out for dinner he'll eat carbs but then feel guilty and say he feels fat and uncomfortable. When I'm with him I feel guilty about eating because I think he thinks I'm a pig so I eat like him healthy. I never used to eat too bad but occasionally I do love my pizzas ice cream etc but now I find myself eating 1-2 a day only so when he isn't around I indulge. I don't know what to say or do to make him stop being so obsessed he never used to be like this before we're not young anymore both in our early 30's. NO he is not cheating to look good for another woman and yes I do know that for a fact. I honestly don't care if he wants to be healthy and fit but I want him to tone it down and when I have brought it up he doesn't say anything it's odd. Is this a mid life crisis thing for men in their 30's or what? Has anyone else partners done this before? Just a side note before this fitness thing he was already extremely fit muscular/abs etc

How far/long are each of his runs?I agree that you need to talk with him about the entire situation. When his behavior starts affecting the relationship and interactions between you, then there is a problem. Asking for constant reassurance and not believing you, going on and on about needing to lose/do more, reacting negatively to what he chooses to eat when dining out, etc. is not healthy for him, you or the relationship. If this was a female showing the behaviors he is exhibiting, people would be wondering about body image disorders. When was the last time he had a check-up? It sounds like something has caused him to fear getting out of shape. Did he have an injury or illness? Has a family member or friend been sick or died? Is he getting close to the age when someone close to him became sick or died from something that he believes fitness could have prevented? Is he afraid of aging? Stop allowing his behavior to affect the decisions you make. Stop hiding what you are eating and when. Talk to him about your fears and ask him about his. He may not be acknowledging it to himself. When discussing the issues listen to him the way you want him to listen to you.