Chicago, Illinois.. the suburbs.

I'm not proud of the past year and a half. I was invited here to live while in a pinch, and for lack of other options, I took the opportunity. This person was an online friend of mine.

My initial plan was to be here temporarily and move on to more permanent residency in Las Vegas. I was told by the friend on the lease that I would always have a place here, that money was not an issue, and to stay as long as I wanted. Nothing in writing.

Not long thereafter, I fell into a deep, clinical depression, the likes of which sent me in to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist, but not before quite a few months of what could be considered nothingness. No job, aside from some freelance web design work. In the months preceding this, the roommate developed a deep, romantic interest in me.

Still.. she'd say it was never about money. I could stay as long as I needed. This changed quite a bit as she realized I would not return her affection.

Am I the roommate from Hell? I'd say not. I cost very little. I keep to myself in my little 11x9 room. I have been actively seeking therapy and trying to turn my life around. My goal was always to get out of here as soon as possible.

Since around the beginning of 2007.. things have taken a huge turn for the worse. She's become abusive, in the domestic sense. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. The therapist and psychiatrist say that I am exhibiting all the symptoms of someone domestically abused.

But knowing this, I am able to fight it. Still.. my goal is to get the hell out as soon as possible. She's made it tough. She argues that she wants me out, but then does things like shutting off the internet to keep me from doing web design projects and artwork that are making me the money I need to leave.

Today, she made a post on her blog, of all places, telling me to be out by the end of April. She thinks this constitutes "written notice" and is now threatening to have people come and remove my belongings from the home.

I realize I may look like a loser to some reading this. Especially after all the "I need my deadbeat roommate out of here" posts. I have never been intrusive or invasive. When I've had money.. I've tried to pay my roommate, but she'd hide the money back in my room. She would not accept my money.

I've got to have some rights here. I'm not a bad person.. just someone who fell on hard times. In some ways, I consider myself lucky for her support.. but it was obviously not out of the goodness of her heart. She wanted more from me.. and now that she's accepted the rejection, she thinks I can just be tossed out.

Please.. if any of you can give me some advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. I will answer any and all questions you have for me if it will help.

It's obvious that you need to get out of there. Do you have family with whom you could stay? What about a social service organization that could help you to find a place to stay while you are looking for somewhere else?

You say that, "I was told by the friend on the lease..." And, then you go on to say, "Nothing in writing." Please explain.

Please know that this site is not one-on-one therapy. It is a place to ask questions and give answers. People will come and go as they please. So, please be advised that you may get opinions from people that may not re-appear for you right away.

I wouldn't say that you are a bad person for staying with the roomie when she asked you to, etc. But you admit that she hasn't taken any of the money you tried to give her, which makes you a guest in her home. And you are a guest that has outstayed your welcome. She wants you out. You don't really seem to enjoy being there. I'd start racking my brain for places to go, if I were you. Family, other friends? Maybe one of the therapists may be able to steer you to someone who can help find you a spot to stay?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Old Scratch

I've got to have some rights here. I'm not a bad person.. just someone who fell on hard times.

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Hello Old:

Yeah, I've had my bumps in the road... But, you're wrong about the above. You actually have no rights at all. Your name isn't on the lease or any of utilities and you didn't pay rent. To the local cops, you're a trespasser (or worse). Let's hope it doesn't get down to THAT determination.

I don't know what you SHOULD do, but you SHOULDN'T stay there.

excon

PS> (edited) Ok, time for some radical thinking. You need a job and a place to stay. You're in Chicago. Yesterday, a dairy farmer lost his entire crew to the immigration cops. He has work and a place to stay. It's good work too, it'll clear your head. Go to North Dakota, young man.

I agree completely with excon.

If you are trying to find a legal leg to stand on here to continue living off your friend, you are not going to find it. Sorry. If you want to stay put, then you should have considered "putting out". Then, you would have a happy roommate who will be willing to pay all your expenses and keep you in the lifestyle to which you have grown accustomed. Unfortunately, your chastity has cost you the friendship and a place to live. I don't think she was being unreasonable considering she was willing to put a roof over your head and food in your mouth for a year and a half. You should have closed your eyes tight, thought about your fantasy lady, and did the deed. But you didn't. You have absolutely no rights and are officially a guest who now needs to move on.

You say you have made some money and she refuses to take it. It has been a year and a half. Since you have been living rent free, and she puts your money back into your room, you should have some money saved up. So, get your bum up off the couch and get out. I think excon has a great idea. Go help that poor farmer. He will probably be very happy to have someone who is legally here and willing to work. As ex states, it will clear your head.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Clough

You say that, "I was told by the friend on the lease..." And, then you go on to say, "Nothing in writing." Please explain.

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I apologize. What I mean is that I was told by the friend who is on the lease, i.e. - the roommate. We initially spoke of me being on the lease, but she told me she didn't want her rent to go up.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. This has never been about living off someone else's dime. The scant money I made during my illness was offered to her, when she refused, it would end up paying for the therapy/psychiatrist.

Frankly, I'm pretty appalled at the couple of responses suggesting that I should have "put out." I really hope you're kidding.

Anyway, as I've understood it, I didn't think I could just be put out on the street. But, if that's how it is, then that's how it is, I guess. I am off to Las Vegas as soon as have the money necessary to ship ahead a few of my belongings and get my car road legal. I'm just trying to keep the peace until then.

Thanks again for the replies.

Look "Old Scratch" you sound like a polite and reasonable enough fellow. I didn't mean to appall you. My intent was really not to offend. If you had started a relationship with her, your presence would be considered (legally) more than a houseguest. You might very well have a cushy life with a woman willing to take care of you and you wouldn't be in the situation you now find yourself in. But, in the end, if she decided, even after you had started a relationship, that she wanted you out, it wouldn't change your situation too much. All she would need to do then is to give you a 30 day notice.

She has been more than fair and nice to you. Yes, maybe she has become verbally and emotionally abusive now. She has changed her mind and has decided that she doesn't want you to stay in her home anymore. You are not leaving, so she is getting nasty. It may not be pleasant or nice, but she has every legal right to change her mind and ask you to leave. It is not illegal for her to be verbally abusive to you. So, why would you even want to stay? I think you are making a wise decision to move on as soon as possible. If you can borrow money from anyone or find another helping hand that will allow you to get out of there ASAP, if I were you, I would make a huge attempt to do so.

Well, yeah.. that's just it.. she's just now changing her mind.

I don't know if you have ever been, or know anyone who has ever been, in a domestically abusive situation. I spent a long time riddled with guilt and made to believe that she was my provider. That the outside world was unnecessary. In retrospect, what the hell was wrong with me? It's tough to describe.. but that, at the time, that was how my world seemed to make sense to me.

I'm not here to defend or really explain the status of my mental condition over the past year and a half, as it will make no difference in the matter, apparently. I realize you all don't know the whole story, and there isn't enough internet to explain it all. I guess, at face value, I really have no rights in this situation, which is what I was wondering to begin with.

In the end, it's a messy situation that I wish I had never been drawn into. And if it's as simple as her saying, "I want you out tomorrow" and my being put on the lawn.. then I guess that's the law. If I had anyone to borrow from, I'd have regrettably done it, already. I am seriously on my own here.

Oh, and it's not that I am so much "appalled" at the suggestion to put out. It was actually kind of amusing. I just couldn't tell if you were being serious or not. I kind of prefer not to be a whore if I can get around it.


EDIT: And for the record, I had been working a job as a handyman's assistant since January of this year.. until he decided he was only going to pay me after he made sure his kid's private schooling was taken care of and all his bills were paid. In essence, I saw $140 in 3 months. I'm not lazy. I worked hard, every day.. very hard. But after 2-3 months of barely seeing a dime, it was kind of time to go, yeah?

Honey, it appears to me that your sense of self-worth has been greatly devalued in the past year and a half. You are right. We do not know the whole story. You sound very nice and it is apparent by your writing that you have had the great good fortune to have had a good education. Maybe this woman is into having total control over people and has pummeled you mentally, into the ground to try to get what she wants. I don't know. In any event, it appears for your own mental health, you have to find the resources to get the heck out of there NOW. Your therapist should be able to give you a list of charities or support services that you qualify for. That would be a good place to start.

My only question is, how did you have money for therapists and psychiatrists? I know for a fact that they are expensive so obviously you have been making some good money and you should have saved it up instead of taking advantage of someone who offered to you free rent and food.Trust me, no one offers a free home and food and all for a year and half or even for a week without expecting something. Maybe you might have unintentionally given her a message that you were attracted to her or there might be something there? You really should go back home to your family and continue your counseling and at least with family you don't have worry about not paying for rent or food or whatever till you get on your feet.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by iciflake

my only question is, how did you have money for therapists and psychiatrists? I know for a fact that they are expensive so obviously you have been making some good money and you should have saved it up instead of taking advantage of someone who offered to you free rent and food.

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I don't know where you "know" your facts from, but this is blatantly untrue in many cases... such as mine. The place I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist in was state run and based on income. Seeing as how I was unemployed at the time of enrollment, I was only being charged $10 per visit and allowed to pay them when I could afford it without reprocussion. Inability to pay did not mean less service.

Quote:

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Trust me, no one offers a free home and food and all for a year and half or even for a week without expecting something. Maybe you might have unintentionally given her a message that you were attracted to her or there might be something there? You really should go back home to your family and continue your counseling and at least with family you don't have worry about not paying for rent or food or whatever till you get on your feet.

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Maybe I might have unintentionally given her a message.. but then, maybe I didn't. We can speculate all day about what might have happened, but in the end, unless you were in the situation, you just don't know for sure.

The situation is over now, anyway. As of April 31, 2007, I've moved out. I'm now living in Las Vegas and within 4 days of arriving, got a job working at a law firm as a file clerk/admin assistant. In fact, today marks the end of my first week.

So, take that as you will. I found a way out of that situation and have already made leaps and bounds towards recovery.

Hey Old Scratch! I was wondering what happened to you! Glad to "hear" that you got yourself out of that situation and it sounds like you are doing very well. Congratulations!

IMO:
You are so unbelievably wrong for taking advantage of this person.
Be an adult- take charge of your life and own this responsibility.
Stop shifting blame and making excuses.
If I was that girl, I would have already thrown you out and changed the locks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by icepk

IMO:
You are so unbelievably wrong for taking advantage of this person.
Be an adult- take charge of your life and own this responsibility.
Stop shifting blame and making excuses.
If I was that girl, I would have already thrown you out and changed the locks.

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Your opinion is not only 4 months old.. it's also completely worthless. Next time, read the whole thread, Teabag.

I'm late here, but I wanted to add some comments. I don't think you were a bad person. I do think you overstayed your welcome and should have left as soon as the situation changed. I also think you should have at least bought some food into the house occasionally.

But be that as it may, it looks like you may be getting your life back together. I congratulate you on the new job and wish you much success.

Thank you, Scott.

Thing is, up until the last few months, she made it totally clear that I was always welcome there. Almost to the point where she would pull me aside and make it a bi-weekly conversation.

As for chipping in on groceries? When I had money, I most certainly would try to help her pay for things. But there is only so much of "me giving her money, her giving it back, me hiding it in her purse, and her hiding it back in my room" I can take before it becomes a pathetic game of unspent money being needlessly circulated back and forth. She absolutely would not take any money I offered her... and she would, again, open up a discussion on how it's "not about the money". Regardless, I still felt horrible not being able to pay for anything.. but in the end, I realized that this was kind of the point.

As an aside, I made it a point to keep the place clean and take care of her dog.

Look, at this point, this topic has run it's course. And then some. I came here for advice and it's sort of become a back-n-forth conversation of people telling me how I should have done this or that or how I overstayed and blah blah blah. I value the opinions (except for icepk, whose only purpose is to be a douchebag), but until any of you have been in such a depleted state of mental health coupled with a potpourri of domestic abuse, then there is no amount of my explaining it to you that will get you to understand.

Here I am, 4 months later, in a well-paying job that I excel at, paying my own way, and even spending a little on myself. All that initially changed was my surroundings. If I were lazy, a bloodsucker, and/or a waste in general.. then it would be pretty safe to assume that the change in setting would have shown few, if any, changes. On the contrary.. everything is different. A complete turn around.

Personally, I'd be happy if this thread could be locked.. but whatever. I understand why it's kept open. Again, thanks to everyone who gave advice early on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Old Scratch

As for chipping in on groceries? When I had money, I most certainly would try to help her pay for things. But there is only so much of "me giving her money, her giving it back, me hiding it in her purse, and her hiding it back in my room" I can take before it becomes a pathetic game of unspent money being needlessly circulated back and forth.

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I don't want to belabor the point, but there might be lurkers in a similar situation who may come across this thread so I wanted to clarify this. I didn't say "chip in" or give her money for groceries. I said bring food into the house. If you play the "here's some cash " game it can get ugly. But if you pick up a quart of milk, a box of her favorite cookies, a nice steak as a treat, etc. It's a lot harder to shove such things back. At the worst, even if she refuses to eat what you brought home, you can eat it and not be using her food.

Again, I don't think you did anything wrong, I just think there are some things you might have done better and I mention those for others that might find themselves in a similar situation.