Help! I received a call from the school principal today. She says that my 9 yr old son is a bully! I'm having a hard time believing it. I mean... he is way more shy than any of my other children. I have a 13 yr old daughter and another son that is 8. This news totally threw me for a loop! I'm sure she has all of her facts straight. I just can't believe it! He has confirmed everything that she said. But this is the boy that is totally afraid of new environments. He always has to slowly be eased into new stuff - so I guess besides the fact that I could use all the advice that I can get on this subject - my question is: Is it possible for a child with (what I believe to be) social anxiety to be a bully? :(

If he already has some social anxiety and feels different than the other kids and perhaps is being made fun of, then his acting like a bully might be the way he is overcompensating because he feels insecure.

Another thought is that perhaps he is being set up to get in trouble if other kids might be making fun of him. They will do that you know. Happened to me a lot in grade school. I was the second largest kid at the school and very shy.

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Originally Posted by JJGGMM

Help! I received a call from the school principal today. She says that my 9 yr old son is a bully! I'm having a hard time believing it. I mean...he is way more shy than any of my other children. I have a 13 yr old daughter and another son that is 8. This news totally threw me for a loop! I'm sure she has all of her facts straight. I just can't believe it! He has confirmed everything that she said. But this is the boy that is totally afraid of new environments. He always has to slowly be eased into new stuff - so I guess besides the fact that I could use all the advice that I can get on this subject - my question is: Is it possible for a child with (what I believe to be) social anxiety to be a bully??:(

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Is his father around is my first question. I only ask because most people who are bullies have a problem at home. Either parents, siblings, or something strange is going on. My first statement is: Everyone wants to fit in at school. If that means that you have to pick on someone first before they pick on you first or because he is lashing out because he is missing something. Some, not all, bullies pick on people they know they can "handle" if they had to fight them. He is probably just "in a shell" at home, but what people don't realize is that kids act TOTALLY different from when they are in their parents sights and out. I use to raise hell when I was at home and when I went to school they knew me as the "quiet girl". Im 20 years old now, so it has been a while since I was in elementary or middle school, but I remember that it was a very scary place. So, it is a possibility. Talk to him about why he does it and try to come to some understanding with him that it is unacceptable behavior and that he wouldn't like it if it was happening to him. Maybe it already has. Ask him that too. Some kids are honest about it and some are too embarrassed to tell the truth. Ask him honestly. Talk, don't yell, once you start yelling he will clam up and won't talk to you. Try it and I hope it works out.

Here are a couple of sites that may be of use to you. I hope that they are.

Parenting Shy Children

Social Anxiety in Children and Teenagers

I have the same story. My son is 7 and super quiet. Very soft hearted & a really good helper. But last year his teacher told me she was having issues with him. Of course I got defensive because like you, I couldn't imagine my boy being the bully. This year I am hearing it from the babysitter who is threatening to quit! I have to stop being nieve so I confronted my boy about it & he didn't deny it. He admits to hitting & pushing people all the time & I don't understand... What do I do now? Let me know if you have any tips for me.