I have felt very suicidal on and off for the last 8 years, never told anyone or gotten any help, last night was one of my worst.

I'm 20 now and am planning on heading into the military in the next few years. I have always been homeschooled and feel very dumb. I work full time in the family business (for free) I have a black belt at a local martial arts school and volunteer 4 nights a week (about 20 hours a week). I volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter. I have always thought a life in the service of others is the only way to go but I'm beginning to question myself.

I have been in so much physical and mental pain over my childhood it often feels like too much. I was molested in the worst way and I was really little. my father beat me all the time and told me things like he wished I was never born. I worked on the family farm full since I was 7. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and I haven't seen my dad since. My mother is so bitter about life, always drinking and getting angry with innocent people, yelling at me for hours at night. I'm a good kid, never drank did drugs or hung out with any of the wrong people.

My father is suing my mother for 60 thousand dollars and we're losing everything with lawyer bills, maybe even the family business. I don't feel any happiness, the more I do for others the more I feel like life doesn't have time for me and I should end it. I'll never function normal and I will always be suffering. I don't want to hurt anyone any more but I'm getting sick of being selfless and living for others when I just want to end it all for myself.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by calmmustang

I have felt vary suicidal on and off for the last 8 years, never told anyone or gotten any help, last night was one of my worst.
I'm 20 now and am planing on heading into the military in the next few years,I have always been homeschooled and feel vary dumb, I work full time in the familiy business ( for free) I have a blak belt at a local martial arts school and volunteer 4 nights a week( about 20 hours a week) I volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter, I have always thought a life in the service of others is the only way to go but I'm beginning to question myself. I have been in so much physical and mental pain over my childhood it often feels like too much.I have molested in the worst way and I was really little, my beat me all the time and told me things like he wished I was never born, I worked on the familiy farm full since I was 7,my parents got divorced when I was 12 and I haven't seen my dad since. My mother is so bitter about life, always drinking and getting angry with innocent people, Yelling at me for hours at night.I'm a good kid, never drank did drugs or hung out with any of the wrong people.my father is sueing my mother for 60 thousend dollars and we're losing everything with lawer bills, maybe even the familiy business.I don't feel any happiniess, the more I do for others the more I feel like life doesn't have time for me and I should end it, I'll never function normal and I will always be suffering. I don't want to hurt anyone any more but I'm getting sick of being selfless and living for others when I just want to end it all. For myself

---

So my thoughts on the purpose of life are vastly different. I subscribe to the thought of enlightened self-interest. It basically states that everything I do is to help me become a better happier person. I am not striving to help others, serve others, or sacrifice my happiness for others. I do what I do that makes me happy. This does include the above. Doing stuff for my wife makes me happy so I do it. Doing stuff for my kids makes me happy so I do it. Giving change to panhandlers doesn't make me happy so I don't so it.

I think you need to figure out what you want to do with your life. I think you need to distance yourself from your family, as much as you love them they're taking a huge mental toll on you. I think the army is a good idea, I think it will give you perspective and it might start to turn things around.

You need you time. I am not saying that what you're doing isn't without value, but you're sacrificing yourself without thought of yourself, and you need to stop that. You need to be you.

Actually the purpose of life is finding a purpose- wait, hear me out!

OK, it sounds terrible and cheesy but I've had depression for 13 years now and failed SO many times at everything but even I have noticed that the only thing that has kept me going is to find something that keeps me going (lol). As I said, I have failed at EVERYTHING in my life. I have been to college (like high school?) twice and even though I did well I still did not get the career or experience I worked really hard for. My dad died and my mum got bitter, threw me and my brother out and still asks for money! The weird thing is ever since I can remember I have always been drawn towards Buddhism- yea, yea the bald guys in orange robes that seemingly 'sit and do nothing'.

I am actually very logical and have a sense of humor (I listen to Rammstein for god's sake!) but trying to find my way out of my depression I always ended up stumbling across ideas and quotes from Buddhism and they actually make sense. And no, it's got nothing to do with 'give this guy money and he will make your pain go away'- it's about seeing things in a different way- for what they are. Now Buddhism is about all living things but by the sounds of it you are not doing what YOU need. You need to listen to what YOU need- otherwise there will be no YOU left to have a purpose.

I only came to this thing to give myself purpose! LOL LOL LOL may I suggest doing a bit of MINDFULNESS- look it up on Pinterest- it's good for stress, depression, anxiety and for listening to your intuition. Even Einstein believed in intuition; the weird feeling or idea that pops up before you make a bad decision etc. Listening to this will help you find out what YOU need and (then when you're ready) what your purpose is.

Ok here's your purpose for now- find out what 'NO MUD, NO LOTUS' means.

You are a good person, a great one considering what you have been through, what you are going through, and who you live with. You are also alone and isolated, which means no help or support, yet you have survived a LONG time on your own devices and heart. MAN, you must have great strength and character to follow the path you are on through some dark difficult times. I commend you even if you cannot.

Look around you at someone in your life that has earned YOUR trust and respect and you admire for being a GOOD person, and reach out to them. You NEED a friend, to tell you that once you get away from the dark storm of your family, and their issues, your life will get better because you are a great person with a great attitude, and the strength to succeed and be happy... SOON!

You cannot help your family at this time, but you can help yourself for yourself by meeting your needs, as you have met others... as you DESERVE THAT! I would be proud to have a friend like you and hope you come back and be part of THIS cyber family.

One question though... why are you waiting a few years to join the military?

Serve others? You are one of the people you might be 'helping.' You can't help others if you aren't solid in yourself.
I grew up feeling very unloved and went off into life empty and aimless.
Now at 69, I feel more OK with myself, but still am not so crazy about life.
I take it you have to postpone the military until you know what's going to happen with the farm? Perhaps selling it would be the best for your mother AND you, so that you are free.
Keep checking back about that.
Do (if you want) what I didn't do at your age - write down immediate, short term, and long term plans. Then a second column with dreams instead of plans.
Think and think and think some more, and answer back.

You have a lot to work through and I think it would be good for you to get away from your family troubles. Your parent's financial woes are their issue, not yours, and they will work through it. The best thing you can do to help your mother is to focus on your own life and become financially secure and stand on your own two feet. Just don't rush too fast. My son just turned 21, and I'd rather struggle financially to help him for a couple more years for him to get on solid ground than have him rush into something he doesn't want to do to make money sooner.

I'd suggest you look into some counseling for yourself to work through some of the things you are talking about. This is the thing - people think they have to be sick or flawed to benefit from counseling. My therapist tells me he thinks I'm rock solid. But you know what? I still go see him for an hour a week. He helps me work through hard things that I'm dealing with in my life. I have zero mental illness (though I was once treated for depression - it can be a temporary but serious thing for a great many people - probably you). But you know, even at my best, some of the people I work with, interact with, have as friends or relatives - they maybe aren't at their best. So I need advice sometimes to deal with abuse I suffered in the past, and figuring out how to process that and move forward from it. I have some substance abusers in my life and need advise and support sometimes about how to deal with them. I have a friend who has other emotional problems that she has taken out on me - she really hurt my feelings. I needed advice because she isn't well, I'm not an expert, and I needed to both protect myself and consider what's best for her in her weak moments. So, I really recommend that you do the same.

Join the military if you want to be in the military. Stay in school if you want more education. Work the farm if you want to be a farmer. Move and work on your own if that is more appealing. Be responsible and realistic and reasonable with yourself, and make a solid plan before you move on. But don't be affraid to stand on your own feet and make a change. You are at an age where it's appropriate to leave the nest and find what you need in the world.

You seem to be 20, and not in school, so it is time to get out and get a job, work, start your own life.

No, your mother may lose everything, but it is not your money you dad is suing for. And perhaps it is his money, and he will win?? That again is not your problem.

If your mother is having troubles, again it is not your problem to fix.

If you really learned martial arts, you learned the first issue is inner peace, the outside strength is nothing, within inside peace.

Consider the peace corp or something if you really need to help others and want to find some peace.