I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for ten years. It has been rocky from the very beginning. In the past, whenever we would get into an argument, he would become physically violent. A couple of years ago, he bit a plug out of my hand, and it required medical treatment. I left him for that, but I ended up coming back. I have been really unhappy with the relationship since then. He has not been physically violent with me since then, but he talks down to me all the time. He says horrible things to me. I am a full time college student, I substitute teach part time , and I homeschool our three children for 7 hours a day. Despite all of this, he tells me that I need to get off my lazy a** and get a job that brings in some real money. I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money. Not only do I feel trapped, but I have begun to feel worthless and very depressed. I am just not the person I used to be. I know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. If I leave my husband, then my children will be devastated. They adore their daddy. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home, but I don't know what to do. My question is this: If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?? / I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.

You need to leave him because he ius abusive, whether that is verbal or physical. Your children won't lose their daddy, but they will get their happy mummy back again. Kids are not stupid, they will know what is happening, and I know as a mother I would not want my children to grow up in that environment, if they grow up like this they may think it is normal and wither end up being abused or the abuser. He will still be their dad, and you will still be their mum. My husband and I are nearly divorced and we had a very similar situation, our kids were babies and the abuse he dished out was so severe he was even prevented from paying child support. However a few years on he has a very good relationship with our children. I have always thought a broken home is better than an abusive one. Good luck whatever you decide, but you need to think about yourself as well as your children. If you are not happy, that matters.

Think of your children. My mum put up with stuff and we grew to hate her for that. Made it up to her later. But couldn't understand why she stayed.

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?????/ I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.

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Oh no no, teacher. You are not being selfish. Mothers who choose to stay for the sake of their children make a very selfless and hard decision.

BUT, are your children happy growing up in such an abusive and rocky household? Yes, their parents are together but are either of them happy? You said that you are an unhappy woman now. We can put on a brave face for our children but they see right through it. I am sure your kids sense your unhappiness. The happier you are, the better mother you can be. The better you feel about yourself, the better you can be there to love, comfort, and guide your children. I think that children deserve to be in a peaceful and loving environment and as hard as it is having parents who are separated, they will grow up to understand that you took them out of a violent and abusive environment.

I wish you all the luck, teachermama

Oh, and don't expect him to change either. You came back too many times and put up with too much for him to even take you (or your threats) seriously (and his lack of respect for you is more than evident.)

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money.

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More likely, he will have to pay a hefty chunk of child support because "he makes all the money". Did you file a police report when he "bit a plug out" of your hand? The more of a record you have of his abuse, the better your chances for sole custody. As far as the kids go, Squiffy's right, a "broken" home is better than an abusive one, and they can't be completely ignorant of the abuse. You do them no favors to tolerate his disrespect and abuse.

LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! The pain of being physically abused goes away, but him keep telling you that you are worthless and ugly and stuff will stick with you. You start believing it yourself and you don't want your kids to see that. You need to think about you first, yes you love your kids, yes they will be heart broken, and yes they may even be bitter for a while but when they grow up to understand what their father has done to you they won't adore him as much. The love for a child's mother is WAY greater than for a father in my opinion. Especially if you have a little girl. Do you want her to grow up thinking that it is OK for a man to beat on her or threaten her or verbally abuse her? I bet you would want to kill his @$$ if you knew that he did. And if you have sons, would you want their girlfriend or wife to come to you with a black eye and say that your sons almost killed them? That would hurt you, although it isn't your kid that is being hit, but knowing that your son did it would hurt, and deeply. If you start not caring, which you probably already have or Im pretty sure will do if you stay with him, you children will see that and won't think highly of themselves. You need to do what is best for you and although he may "make money" you are going to college and you have a part time job so you are pulling your weight 85 times over! Don't listen to his dumb a**, for God's sake, please don't. You are special and beautiful in every way and if he treats you like that HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!! AND YOU REMEMBER THAT! NO MAN IS WORTH IT!! NO MAN!! You could loose your sanity and then your kids will probably NEVER see you again and I know that would break your heart. The judge usually sides with the mom anyway, unless there is cause to think the kid is in danger. And from what I have read you love your kids and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! Especially in abuse situations, the judge will Definitely side with you. I would break all his dam teeth for you if I could. You should have put him in jail a long time ago! NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE THAT WILL WONT MAKE YOU CRY!!!!!

First question is there any documentation, any reports and any pictures of these assaults on you?

Look up local community programs and also look up women's shelters in the area. Get up and out with your kids and make sure the police know you are trying to leave a very long standing abusive situation but your husband keeps threatening you with the kids.

File reports, get restraining orders, get to a women shelter and get the ball rolling for a better future you and your children without this abusive person.

Joe

Short answer to a long question -- for the sake of the kids -- yes -- for yourself respect -- yes -- Savage

My heart breaks for you. I've never been married, I've never had children, so I don't know what to recommend. There's no easy answer.

I grew up in a home where there was physical/emotional violence from my father toward my mother. I watched my dad beat my mom with his fists, I watched her grab firepokers to defend herself, I used to call the police or run to the neighbors for help, I watched my mom try to stab herself. We used to go on family vacations and my dad would start yelling at my mom and then pull the car over and tell her to get out. We'd drive away and I'd watch my mom walking by herself on the side of the highway until we stopped so she could catch up to us and get back in.

I'm in my early 30s and let me tell you... watching all that crap messed me up. I've never been in love, never had a boyfriend, never been close to engaged, never had a child. I get into "relationships" with unavailable men (married or long-distance). I have addictions (food, phone sex). I have troubling sexual fantasies: I'm turned on by the thought of being tied up, choked, called names, raped, etc. (Sorry if this is offensive but it's the truth.) I'm against violence and can barely raise my voice but that's my life.

I began therapy recently due to the advice I received here and I know my issues stem from watching my parents fight. I know this without a doubt. I have not shared the details of my parents' marriage with my psychologist because it's so painful and embarrassing. My life was chaos. My memories as a little girl are splintered. My dad was great to us but awful to my mom. I hate him and love him. I wish I'd never known him; I wish I knew him better.

My mom used to take us to women's shelters but she always went back "for the kids." We lived a roller coaster life. When he was happy, things were great. When he was not, life was frightening. It's not fun to live in fear. It makes you distrustful and paranoid. You can never enjoy the moment because you don't know what's around the corner.

My siblings and I have suffered; we have issues. Low self-esteem. Anger management. Conflict resolution. Trust. I don't know how your children will react to this mess as they step into their teenage and adult years. But I can safely say they're living in turmoil. It's confusing. Life is good one minute, and the next it's out of control. Dad's mean, Dad's nice, Mom's sad, Mom's happy. Nothing is constant. Nothing is predictable. Nothing is certain.

Of course, divorce can also have a negative impact on children. That's why you're torn.

There's another option besides just stay or go. Can you imagine a world where Dad sits down with everyone and promises never to let his anger get out of control again? And if he apologized and promised to get help for his problem? And if he saw a therapist and went to anger management classes regularly? I would have given anything for my father to have done that. My mom loved him, we loved him. It would have been a tender door to his soul opening as he admitted he'd lost control and wanted to make things right if we gave him a chance. And we would have! All the love we had for him would have nourished him in his journey. Do you think your husband might be willing to seek help?

I wish you strength and love. This is a heart-breaking situation. You're an amazing woman. I look back now and my heart overflows with love for my mom because I know she cared for us above all else. She saw two choices and she made the one she thought was the best. She stayed. Would I have turned out differently if she'd gotten a divorce? I don't know. All I know for certain is that life was scary. My personal experience is just one experience, true, but the information and research I've discovered about how domestic violence impacts children backs up my own experience.

Daddy changes, or you leave, its as simple as that. Your kids don't need to be around two parents that can't get along and in the long run they will realize it was his fault. You deserve better. Call his bluff!

I have tried to get him to change for years. I have begged, pleaded, tried everything. He makes promises but doesn't keep them . When he sees that I have one foot out the door, he will straighten up a bit. But things always go right back to being the way they were.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

First question is there any documentation, any reports and any pictures of these assaults on you?

Look up local community programs and also look up womens shelters in the area. Get up and out with your kids and make sure the police know you are trying to leave a very long standing abusive situation but your husband keeps threatning you with the kids.

File reports, get restraining orders, get to a women shelter and get the ball rolling for a better future you and your children without this abusive person.

Joe

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Re read this and stop making excuses for your husband.

The question you have to ask yourself is this - Is this the example I want to set for my kids? Your kids learn what they live. You and your husband are showing your kids this is what a marriage looks like. Do you want that?
Do you want your sons to be abusive? Or your daughters to get abused?
You aren't doing them a favor by staying. You are NOT being Selfish. Believe me!

And don't listen to the threat of you not getting custody. Money does not make a parent. He is bullying you - intimidating you to get the result he wants.
Walk away knowing that you are doing the BEST THING FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN!!

Abuse of any kind emotional or pyhsical is not needed get out while you still can the children will realise one day that you did what was best fro you and for them because when the children grow up you might not have it in you to walk away then. Just my thought's
Any man that abuses a women doesn't deserve her and should be casterated emotional abuse is far more worse because that sticks with you psyhical abuse will go away

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

I have tried to get him to change for years. I have begged, pleaded, tried everything. He makes promises but doesn't keep them . When he sees that I have one foot out the door, he will straighten up a bit. But things always go right back to being the way they were.

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This is the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately it will not stop, but only escillate. He has done this to you, he is also abusing your children by making them live in this environment. For what little self-esteem you have, and for the mental health of your children it is imperative that you get out.

Go to a shelter. Many shelters provide counseling and therapy for the women and the children. Please do this, if not for yourself, but save your children from going through this in their adult lives.

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Originally Posted by Anayden

LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! The pain of being physically abused goes away, but him keep telling you that you are worthless and ugly and stuff will stick with you. You start believing it yourself and you don't want your kids to see that. You need to think about you first, yes you love your kids, yes they will be heart broken, and yes they may even be bitter for a while but when they grow up to understand what their father has done to you they wont adore him as much. The love for a child's mother is WAY greater than for a father in my opinion. Especially if you have a lil girl. Do you want her to grow up thinking that it is ok for a man to beat on her or threaten her or verbally abuse her? I bet you would want to kill his @$$ if you knew that he did. And if you have sons, would you want their girlfriend or wife to come to you with a black eye and say that your sons almost killed them? That would hurt you, although it isn't your kid that is being hit, but knowing that your son did it would hurt, and deeply. If you start not caring, which you probably already have or Im pretty sure will do if you stay with him, you children will see that and wont think highly of themselves. You need to do what is best for you and although he may "make money" you are going to college and you have a part time job so you are pulling your weight 85 times over! Don't listen to his dumb a**, for God's sake, please dont. You are special and beautiful in every way and if he treats you like that HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!! AND YOU REMEMBER THAT! NO MAN IS WORTH IT!!!! NO MAN!!!! You could loose your sanity and then your kids will probably NEVER see you again and I know that would break your heart. The judge usually sides with the mom anyway, unless there is cause to think the kid is in danger. And from what I have read you love your kids and that is ALL THAT MATTERS! Especially in abuse situations, the judge will DEFINATELY side with you. I would break all his dam teeth for you if I could. You should have put him in jail a long time ago! NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE THAT WILL WONT MAKE YOU CRY!!!!!

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Everything I was going to say!

My sister was in a similar situation- she waited until he was screaming at her one night and called the cops, and they asked her if she wanted husband out and she said yes. Then she had to file a restraining order. SO it was easier to get HIM out - than for her to move 3 young kids out to a shelter. Not sure this would work for you but thought I would add it .
God bless.
Feel free to message me

It really depends on what you choose in life. If it's the children's happiness that matters then you can stick on staying, if its your happiness, then leave. On the contrary, if you think the children will be OK without you, then no problem, leave him.

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Originally Posted by NidaK

It really depends on what you choose in life. If its the children's happiness that matters then you can stick on staying,

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Although I doubt the children are happy seeing and hearing their mother abused. They are most likely scared of daddy except to his face.

So, if it is the children's happiness you are concerned about, you should get out.

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Originally Posted by teachermama3

I dont know what to do. My husband and I have been married for ten years. It has been rocky from the very beginning. In the past, whenever we would get into an argument, he would become physically violent. A couple of years ago, he bit a plug out of my hand, and it required medical treatment. I left him for that, but I ended up coming back. I have been really unhappy with the relationship since then. He has not been physically violent with me since then, but he talks down to me all the time. He says horrible things to me. I am a full time college student, I substitute teach part time , and I homeschool our three children for 7 hours a day. Despite all of this, he tells me that I need to get off my lazy a** and get a job that brings in some real money. I have threatened to leave him if he doesn't start treating me better, and he says I can leave but he will end up with our children eventually because he makes all the money. Not only do I feel trapped, but I have begun to feel worthless and very depressed. I am just not the person I used to be. I know that I deserve to be loved, and treated with respect. If I leave my husband, then my children will be devastated. They adore their daddy. I don't want them to grow up in a broken home, but I don't know what to do. My question is this: If I leave my husband because I am so unhappy with him , does that mean I am selfish?????/ I only want to do what is right for my children. I don't matter anymore. Please help.

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Girl you need to leave his sorry!! why on earth would you think your being selffish for leaving him. He's done nothing but bring you down from jump. You can do so much better than that. You can do bad by yourself. And sounds to me like your already a strong women homeschooling and working at the same time. Honey if he doesn't no your worth than you find a man that does. That will treat you like the queen you are. That will hold you and uplift you instead of making you feel like crap. A man that will be there for you and say"baby i will take care of everything". There are men like that out there. And your kids are going to be fine because I'm sure they don't want there mother feeling like you are now. And as time goes by they will come to understand what they couldn't before. You leave him and you don't look back. Time heals ALL wounds. There will come a day when you can think about him and laugh. You go fine a REAL man. Because the little boy your with now isn't worth .