Ask Me Help Desk - Confused and feeling sketchy

I've been with my boyfriend 14 months. We have lived together for 9. Everything was great until about August. He started treating me differently. Little things, I noticed but he didn't. He used to call on his way home- that stopped. He used to send flirty texts- that stopped- sex all but stopped. I tried talking to him and he denied anything was wrong. In October, I started snooping. I found, pics of naked girls in his personal email folder that he is in everyday that he swears he didn't even know were there. I discovered he was chatting in Hangouts with 2 girls ( timestamps revealed it) and he denies ever using the app, I found a private message from an ex where he basically told her she was a good F*&^ with NO mention of me, and he swears he just said she was a good person.

So very much literally we have gone a month without him making one advance towards me. And If I make one towards him- he says he is tired. I keep checking and I keep seeing he is talking on hangouts- he deletes the conversations though- even when I proved to him through Google support that the time stamp indicates a conversation he still sticks to the lie. I found a file folder basically for singles pick up usage with a pic of himself and sexy memes, I discovered his pic uploaded several times to the top of recent files- meaning it was accessed to send somewhere, yet he denies or has excuses- I honestly don't know how to catch his lies and prove it- help

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why not just leave?

Its my house, so leaving is not my answer. I wish it were that simple. He moved to NC ( where I am) from SC, no family, no friends, so if I boot him, he would be sleeping on my couch till he found somewhere to go- and worse I love him, then add to the factor that I am bull headed and hate to be made to feel stupid, and I am determined to prove to him somehow ( if anyone has some suggestions I haven't tried) that I know he is lying, I know it seems insane

Too many red flags. Are u not astute enough to see that he does not need to be around you now?

Get rid of him. He is a freeloader.

From the sounds of things, you are not a girlfriend, you are a convenience. Time for you to smell the coffee. Move on by giving him his walking papers. In order to do that you have to give him written notice and follow through with NC authorities. If there is any love there, you are the only one in love.

You can kick him out and relieve your stress from this drama, or wait until he finds a better place to crash. The end is near when trust is lost, and you are trying to catch someone in a lie, by snooping through their stuff. Where he goes after you dump him is HIS problem.

How did you meet this out of state character any way?

You may love him, but is he the best partner for you...is he even a good partner for you? Is he the type of guy you would choose if you had it to do over again? What would you tell a friend in the same situation?

If you truly think he is fooling around, and lying to you, how would proving it make a difference? I know it is tempting to want to feel, "Aha, I knew it", but it will only cause you more pain.

If you won't be staying in a relationship with him, simply tell him that you have realized that the relationship isn't what you thought it was and you would like to move on now. Short and sweet; to the point.

Moving in after 5 months was probably the beginning of the end. There's no way you two could know each other completely. You two were actors playing you and it's only through time that you get to know the real person. Learn from this and move on.

You need to decide whether being proven 'right' is worth your self respect and dignity. The more you attempt to make him admit what he did wrong the more you are lowering your standards for yourself. Or do you really believe it makes you a better person to go snooping through his personal files and folders to gain evidence to use against him?

If he did suddenly reverse course and admit to all of his wrong doings, what then? Would you trust him to stop chatting with other women? Would you stop snooping or would you look even harder for proof?

If he moved from SC to NC to live with you, how did you meet him and get to know him during those five months? Is this his pattern for relationships?

Treat him like a tenant and give him an eviction notice of 30 days to vacate. That should give him time to find another place.

If you are afraid to let go because you think he will walk out of your house and into another woman's house, let the fear go. If he has someone lined up to take your place, then he is only biding his time until he is ready to make the move.

You may love him, but I think you have stopped liking and trusting him. Add lack of communicating and no attempt at working out the issues and what are you trying to hold on to? You are hurting yourself and he still has everything he wants including a comfortable bed instead of a couch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You can kick him out and relieve your stress from this drama, or wait until he finds a better place to crash. The end is near when trust is lost, and you are trying to catch someone in a lie, by snooping through their stuff. Where he goes after you dump him is HIS problem.

How did you meet this out of state character any way?

Actually met on a singles dating site, dated long distance and I was fine with that- he got in a bind financially and even though I wasn't 100% comfortable offering my place for him to move into as an alternative, I did it anyway- hindsight is 20/20

Thank you Cat1864- you said all the things that I have been thinking and not said out loud and you are right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You need to decide whether being proven 'right' is worth your self respect and dignity. The more you attempt to make him admit what he did wrong the more you are lowering your standards for yourself. Or do you really believe it makes you a better person to go snooping through his personal files and folders to gain evidence to use against him?

If he did suddenly reverse course and admit to all of his wrong doings, what then? Would you trust him to stop chatting with other women? Would you stop snooping or would you look even harder for proof?

If he moved from SC to NC to live with you, how did you meet him and get to know him during those five months? Is this his pattern for relationships?

Treat him like a tenant and give him an eviction notice of 30 days to vacate. That should give him time to find another place.

If you are afraid to let go because you think he will walk out of your house and into another woman's house, let the fear go. If he has someone lined up to take your place, then he is only biding his time until he is ready to make the move.

You may love him, but I think you have stopped liking and trusting him. Add lack of communicating and no attempt at working out the issues and what are you trying to hold on to? You are hurting yourself and he still has everything he wants including a comfortable bed instead of a couch.

I fully agree, and you are learning he has significant flaws that cause problems and drama. I tell him to go back home. Take what you have LEARNED and "date" someone else.

Sounds like you were a place to go, and most likely he was talking to a lot of women, when he was talking to you online, but you offered him a home, so he still talks to the others waiting for a better home to come up.

Next you are looking though his computer, his email, and most likely his phone, at that point it was time to kick him out. Since the relationship is over when you start doing those things.

Now he is lying, but of course he would lie, after you violated his personal space by looking though everything.

As for girls photos, many men, keep photos, naked photos, porn and other things on their computers, they like to look.

But you kick him to the couch, give him written notice to move out, and evict him in 30 days and move on with your life

The relationship is over. Neither of you are willing to do anything about it. You're snooping, you don't trust him. Without trust there can be no love. Kick him out. You're letting him into your life with nothing in return.