I am a mother of three children, ages 8 yrs to 11 yrs. My husband has adopted all my children from the bio worthless fathers. We have been married for 5yrs. My husband is great to me, but is somewhat distant and easily agitated at the children most of the time. I can't really blame him somewhat, because my children won't do their chores or do homework and if they do, it is a very sloppy job. I chalk some of that up to just being kids, but my husband doesn't. He complains and critizes their efforts even. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am stuck in the middle and I hate this! I don't pick sides either way. I know that my children are doing wrong, but I feel my husband is too. He never pays attention to them in a positive way, it is mostly negative. When one of the children try to apologize for their behavior, he immediately cuts them off and tells them he does not accept their apology.

I feel that my children have stopped listening to me because of his behavior. They always followed my rules, but now I fell like they are all against me and rebeling. I am not placing all blame on him, but I can see how his actions affect their actions.

I have talked to my husband about this and he will try for about a week, then we are right back where we began.

All my children are failing in school, they don't practice proper hygiene, they refuse to do their chores, don't complete homework, and have no regard to what I say. My house is a disaster area. I can spend the day cleaning and with in one hour, it is worse than it was before. It is as if they intentionally want to hurt me. I need help.

I am a premed student and I took this semester off to get my home straight. I am returning to school this summer and I need to get my home life together or I will fail! Either at school or at home and I can't afford either!

:confused:

Ok, lets get into the real issue, the children have no displine and are not being MADE to do what they are suppose to do, It sounds like your husband is not holding as strong a role as he wants because he adopted them or because you have not allowed him to in the past so he complains expecting you to take care of it.

Let me see, proper hygiene, don't do their chores, don't do their homework, so make them, just plain make them, you are the parent, rule it properly.

Who cares if the house is a disaster area, any house with three kids are, that is called lived in.

If you want to solve this, be strict, start taking things away, if they are sitting in a bare room with no TV, no computer and so on, that is the way it will start working

Thank you Fr Chuck for you reply!

I have done everything to my children except stripped their rooms! We took away video games long ago, turned off cable (only educational videos), no computer, no phone, and now they are all grounded to the house except for school and it is spring break! They just don't seem to care. I know that I lack structure very much so, but I have never felt that discipline is a weakness of mine.

I will admit that I have not allowed my husband too much of the discipline in the past. I was a single mother and I had everything under control, so I didn't need his help or advice in that department until recently. I just feel like I need another set of eyes and ears to get things under control and he just wants to scream and fuss like one of the children, instead of help!

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Originally Posted by whiteladybug2002

I am a mother of three children, ages 8 yrs to 11 yrs. My husband has adopted all my children from the bio worthless fathers. We have been married for 5yrs. My husband is great to me, but is somewhat distant and easily agitated at the children most of the time. I can't really blame him somewhat, because my children won't do their chores or do homework and if they do, it is a very sloppy job. I chalk some of that up to just being kids, but my husband doesn't. He complains and critizes their efforts even. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am stuck in the middle and I hate this! I don't pick sides either way. I know that my children are doing wrong, but I feel my husband is too. He never pays attention to them in a positive way, it is mostly negitive. When one of the children try to apologize for their behavior, he immediatly cuts them off and tells them he does not accept their apology.

I feel that my children have stopped listening to me because of his behavior. They always followed my rules, but now I fell like they are all against me and rebeling. I am not placing all blame on him, but I can see how his actions affect their actions.

I have talked to my husband about this and he will try for about a week, then we are right back where we began.

All my children are failing in school, they don't practice proper hygiene, they refuse to do their chores, don't complete homework, and have no regard to what I say. My house is a disaster area. I can spend the day cleaning and with in one hour, it is worse than it was before. It is as if they intentionally want to hurt me. I need help.

I am a premed student and I took this semester off to get my home straight. I am returning to school this summer and I need to get my home life together or I will fail! Either at school or at home and I can't afford either!!

:confused:

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I agree with FR_Chuck. That is wonderful advice!

You are putting your husband in a very unfair position by deciding that discipline is beyond your capabilities. You can and must do it.

At a minimum your children should do the following every day:
Make bed
Shower or bathe
Brush teeth (twice)
Wear clean, appropriate clothing
Pick up their belongings both around the house and in their rooms
Do some kind of additional chore - assigning a specific list of chores is best.
Doing school work at their ability level, consistently and on time.

On weekends, they should be giving you about 2 hours of help around the house in doing the major weekly cleaning. If you are working and also in school, they need to simply do more and it is not something you have to justify or explain.

I recommend going to the book store and getting some books on parenting. Then call the school and find out what type of counseling is available in your area.

You have to take the lead on changing your household. If your husband does it, it will generate more resentment from your kids and from him.

Besides negative consequences you need to have positive rewards that are attainable in a clear and fair manner. For example, if the kids do their basic responsibilities consistently, they may have 2 hours of screen time a day (combined computer and TV time) on school days, 3 on weekends. If one child does not comply, only that child loses the priveledge.

Only threaten what you will actually do and do not return anything that has been taken away until the desired action/behavior has been completed by the child and they have committed to do it daily with a decent attitude moving forward.

Kids are greedy enough to work, if they have to, for privileges, money for clothes, a ride to a friends house or whatever.

Be creative with rewards - a clean room for a week? Sleepover on Saturday. Good grades for the midterm - pizza and a movie with two friends, or a new outfit. Reliable help getting dinner on and the dishes done? Each child gets to chose the meal (set a budget if necessary) one night a week.

Start having family dinners and make them obligatory except for very special occasions. A lot can be achieved if the focus is on listening to the kids. Encourage them to invite a friend on the night that's their turn to choose the menu, but this should only be an available choice if the entire family is keeping the house picked up.

My son knows he can't have friends over unless the house is clean. It's very motivating.

Don't make dinner the forum for resolving problems, at least initially, unless the children initiate the discussion. And do some fun things as a family so ti's not all drudgery. Do not raise your voice or engage in circular arguments. Learn how to disagree calmly and firmly and stick to your guns. They will test you to the ends of the earth - you have to win.