Okay so I have not posted here in years... I find myself in need for an answer to a question that I can not figure out myself. I have an 8 year old daughter who lives with my grandmother right now. My grandmother is the person I am trying to find out if I should call child protective services/elder abuse or not. I know if I do my whole family will be very angry with me and most likely I would have a harder time living. Not to mention that it directly effects my own child.
My grandmother originally moved in with her mother, my great grandmother. Others who have been in the home have been my sister, her boyfriend then husband, my cousin, and now my cousin and her dad, youngest brother, new mother in law.
Grandmother- Jeanna 60+, Great grandmother- Ila 90+, My Daughter- Danielle 8, Sister- Heidi 26+, Cousin- Karina 23 (MRSA carrier), Cousins brother- Forrest <18, Uncle- Floren >40, cousins mother in law- Susan?
I will try to make this not so difficult.
Danielle originally was placed to live with Jeanna when she was about 2, when she lived with Ila and I had no where else to go. I went to live in a small apartment with a friend who became my fiancé, but I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have had a very hard time getting a job, the ones I have gotten, I could not hold for long and they caused me a lot of stress. I could not provide for her so she went with Jeanna who I believed could give her everything I could not. Including food, clothing, summer programs, school supplies, rides to the doctor. Less then 2 years ago she developed a tic and she had a jerking movement in her head and her body, then just her head. Then she added a consistent cough. Then her eyes started rolling back, all without her knowing it was happening. Jeanna has taken her to many doctor appointments I've made, even seen someone with neurology but all tests come back clean and say she's healthy. Yet this continues. Her school is almost ready to say she cant come back until its gone or we have something from a doctor saying exactly what is wrong with her.
That did not concern me enough to actually try to make any calls but I did try to bring up taking her back soon from Jeanna, she would not have it. And she even suggested giving her to my brother if things got any worse. As if she has the right to make any of those choices. I know at this point I have done terribly but I need to know what I can do for her now. Karina has moved back into the home with her family, and my biggest fear is that Danielle with get infected with MRSA. Her or Ila, both of which are very dangerous.
Ila is Jeanna's mother, and she owns the home they live in. She has dementia pretty bad and had her last real lucid moment a year or so ago. Her doctor suggested that Jeanna take her off her medicine, which would kill Ila, questioning her quality of life at that point. Before that Ila was lucid and told Jeanna that she wanted to die. Nothing has been done and I've heard nothing good about her, she's getting worse and worse, barely ever getting out of the bed now. She has had in home nurses several times but Ila doesn't want to work with anyone other then Jeanna.

What I need to know is what can I do and what happens when I do it? Who will be in trouble, can I do it anon to avoid the wrath of the rest of the family? What are Danielle's options if I am too late and she is infected with MRSA?

I know this is probably crazy, but its my life and I am worried but I was raised not to go against my parents so I cant just walk in and take my daughter away. I am very conflicted and confused, please help.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is manage your own life so you can be a help to her that you never have been before. I mean think of how it looks that the mom who is incapable of doing for a child complains about the family who is doing for the child even though you don't agree.

Sure they have issues, but what are you trying to accomplish from the outside? I don't know how your family came to have custody of your child, but this isn't about going against them, because you admit you can do no better, but about YOU being helpless to do anything at all. You have already gone against them by not being with your family but on your own.

So I ask what good comes of reporting them and risking your daughter being put in the foster care system, or investigating them, when you can do no better yourelf? You have let the family raise this child so far and until you get actual facts of the matter you need to stay out of this and not impulsively do more harm than good.

When your own life is so unmanageable it's a bad idea to try and manage someone else's life from afar. Especially when you can pass the responsibility to others... AGAIN so easily with a phone call.

You better figure out what you are trying to accomplish before disrupting everyone else's life, and you have not written anything here that would accomplish that. Ask yourself are YOU and your husband ready to take FULL responsibility for your child? If so consult a lawyer, and prepare to be investigated yourself. Deal with your own confusion and conflicts before you make a decision. The best decisions are based on FACTS, and not just feelings, and certainly NOT on feelings of personal confusion and conflicts.

OK, I know this answer probably won't do much good because I am a child myself. Although I do agree with Mr. smartypants up here I also think that you should be able to take things into your own hands. She's YOUR daughter not theirs. I believe you said you were worried of her getting or being infected with these things and honestly id worried hardcore about that stuff too! In this case id talk it over with your hubby and maybe ask a very close friend for help. If there's one thing I ask and I know I'm young don't overthink anything!! Myself, struggling with anxiety and depression I am telling you to seriously just go with the flow I know its easier said then done but things will happen if they are supposed to. Don't give up girlfriend!! Xoxo

Was there any custody arrangements made through the courts? Does your husband support you regaining custody of your child? Has your depression been addressed and are you seeking further help ?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cdad

Was there any custody arrangements made through the courts? Does your husband support you regaining custody of your child? Has your depression been addressed and are you seeking further help ?

---

Before I say anything else I will say that I am thinking clearly and I have had a prescription for anti depressants. As of the week before Christmas my grandmother has stopped communicating with me. This happened after a fight that started because I told her I wanted to talk about the possibility of taking Danielle permanently in the future. We argued about the fact that at this point in time she would be about in the same situation with either one of us. Her response started with "But I love her" and eventually she retaliated with "She doesn't even know you" because that's the kind of person my grandmother is. She goes for what hurts. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking people fighting every day is normal. I know I have not been there in her life nearly as much as I should but I am her parent, I gave birth to her, and I want to try.

There were never any arrangements made of any legal kind, I was a young girl who was afraid of her grandmother. It originally began because I needed someone to care for her because I was still a minor and no one in my family had space for me at the time, only her. I had to make that choice. I had several instances where my daughter asked to come back with me and it was really hard to have to tell her she couldn't because any time I brought up bringing her over to spend time with her or for her to spend the night my gramma was always dodgy and I didn't know how to make her do it, nor could I go get her since for a long while I didn't have a car. After I did get a car, she would constantly come up with excuses why she wasn't available for me to get her for that day. I did barge in and take her once for a visit but it did not go over well with the family. I visited her as often as I could before the fighting with the family got out of control. Every single time I would go over, there would be a fight with someone, mostly my sister and my grandmother with me or each-other.

At this point I do not care about pulling legal action on anyone, I simply need to know what to do next to take her back since my grandmother is no longer talking to me to arrange anything. I would need to know how to take her out of school, and any possible resources since it appears ill have to take her without any of her belongings because of my grandmother. Or if it would be best to try to wait until after school lets out to try to take her back. My significant other supports me and we have talked about taking her several times over the years, my grandmother being the only thing in the way. I have already lost contact with pretty much all of my family at this point so I have nothing to lose anymore in taking her.

To the point. Nothing legal in the way, only family, lack of supplies, my broken down car, and taking her out of school.

Sadly your grandmother is right. From what you posted, your daughter really doesn't know you. To take her from the home she knows, from the mother (your grandmother) she knows, will be very hard on her. I hope you realize this.

If there is no legal custody in place, nothing you've signed to even give your grandmother temporary guardianship, how does she enroll your daughter in school, or take her to the doctor? Did your grandmother file something that you may not be aware of, claiming abandonment?

If there is nothing legal standing in your way, and you have full guardianship of your child, then there's no reason, never has been any reason, for you not to take her and raise her. Why has it taken 8 years? Your excuses are just that, excuses. What happens when you come up with the next excuse? What then? Is this child going to forever be shuffled between two homes?

As for your original question, asking if you can call child protective services? For what? Claiming what? You don't mention abuse, you don't mention neglect. What would you be charging your grandmother with, raising your child?

Do you have the means to financially support this child? Can you provide a stable home? I can only go by what you post, and I have to say, it sounds to me like she may be better off where she is right now.

Waiting for my disagree. I have a feeling you're one of those people that asks a question, but doesn't really want an answer. You just want someone to tell you what you want to hear.

Good luck.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregna...rl-744361.html

How is the foster parenting and adoption going?

You cant just dismiss legal actions. It may happen that if you simply tke the child you may be arrested for kidnapping until it gets straightened out. Having lived with her for so long there may be rights inferred to her. Many states more and more recognize grandparents rights.

Be very careful with trying to take the child as it may trigger an amber alert. You need to ask at the school about picking her up and the procedures involved. Bring her B/C with you and your identification. You need to do this the right way.

In response to negativity, as it is 8 years here, there's a lot of details that can't all be written in a couple paragraphs. I've told myself exactly what you people are telling me, that she's better off with my grandmother. THAT is my excuse. Seriously, there is abuse, just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not gaining. Not too mention that she went from having her own room wich was the agreement, to sharing a room with my grandmother because she wanted to move more people into my great grandmother's home, to now sharing the same bed with her because my grandmother filled her bed with junk.

The only reason she has been able to get her into school and doctors is because of me, I am involved with everything my grandmother tells me about, over the years she's cut me out more and more, including she signs all her school papers, I found out because she stopped asking me to sign things, even stopped giving me her crafts.

There is nothing signed because my grandmother legally cannot get the right to have any children. She raised me and my siblings when my mother died so I had no reason to believe she would be a bad choice. I was raised to keep the family together no matter what, but I'm being cut out of my own daughters life because I can't afford to live near my great grandmother's house. I'm getting my life together and my grandmother's situation is falling apart, I have conflicts about how her future would be in either situation.

If all you have is negative and assumptions then please take your comments elsewhere. Otherwise if your looking at just the information given, nothing assumed or have questions to get to a conclusion then respond.

It would take me hours to type out my entire situation with why my grandmother is not able to take or keep my child, or why I'm possibly not myself, but on the end what would happen? If I leave her, she loses her mother, if I take her, there will be hardship, but I've had a lot of hardship, and a lot of moving around, my plan for years was too get into a house so I could take her. That hasn't been able to happen and things are rapidly getting worse for her so of course I'm trying to reevaluate the situation.

And bring up old posts all you want, keep in mind I'm only 23. Was a 15 year old unexpected mother, history of therapy and child abuse before that, having no one to trust or talk to therefore forced to put trust in the woman who raised me. At the time of those posts I was absolutely confused and going through a lot and obviously missing my child by looking into other options. I went through my baby phase, the time I should have had my first child, when that was posted. I have spoken to my daughter many times over the past year or so asking how she felt when visiting and if she thought she might like staying longer. She always says yes and always asks to come over. I haven't taken her because of the repercussions I'm sure would come. I have her birth certificate and copy of her social and everything.

I was a very young mother with no prep and no knowledge of how to do anything, t then there is my grandmother who at the time I knew could help get things done but I'm no longer that inexperienced naïve young girl, I've been in the world without my family support I was so accustomed to for a long time now, yes I may not be terribly further then I was but I have a roof over my head, electricity and food, I have necessary things, just not luxuries like she was offered at my grandmother's.

So judge me all you want, but judging me doesn't help my situation at all, just makes you feel smug because you got your word in. So please keep it to yourself. Thanks.

Heather, I know it's difficult to write your entire story for all to hear, but all we can go by is what you write, and past posts. We can't guess what your life is really like, we can only go by what you tell us.

Judging? No. Answering your question, based on the info you gave us, yes. And no, it doesn't make any of us feel smug. It breaks my heart that your daughter is going through this, and frankly, yes, she's my only concern. I couldn't care less what your grandmother or you want, I only care about what's best for the child. She doesn't deserve to be in the middle of this. She deserves to have a family, a home, security and love.

If it's as bad as you say at your grandmother's house, than call CPS. What do you have to lose? You're already ousted from the family, they're already keeping you away from your daughter, so what do you have to lose? If CPS finds that your daughter is in fact being abused, than you'll have a stronger case to get her back.

Good luck. I wish the very best for your little girl.

In going through what you posted it shows that your situation is complicated. But we have to deal with the facts. The fact is that your daughter has been living outside your home for some time now. To the courts eyes that constitutes a routine. In breaking that routine there needs to be proof and not just hearsay. You should seek council and they can help you with the direction you want to proceed. What your not understanding is that as of right now the situation is going to get messy and for your daughters sake you have to be willing to go there and put forth the effort. I applaud you for getting your life together and seeking to reunite your family. The bottom line is you have to be willing to take legal steps. Those steps may include restraining orders and judgements by the courts to allow you to gain peace after the storm. Right now your not in control. Depending on what is said by your council there still may be a rough road to travel. Many places have lawyers available for those that cant normally afford one or have family resources like family counciling that you may take advantage of. Bottom line is you have to make some hard choices and be able to not deviate from them or be manipulated out of them. Plot your course well. Have a plan and a goal. Write it out so you can see how it looks. (not here but on paper so you can refer to it and make changes before proceeding) You need eyes wide open.

Sorry you feel you are being judged but as CDad points out your situation is very complex with a lot of opposition by your family. I can only wish you luck and hope you get the legal advice you deserve and can afford.

I doubt you can do this by yourself. At least talk to a social worker who has knowledge of how the system works, or a mediator, or unbiased arbitrator for this FAMILY dispute.

https://www.cfsbny.org/programs/medi...ly-issues.aspx