Ask Me Help Desk - I don't want anyone new to enter my life... but I also feel alone

I am a strong 27 year old woman, I was here last year around month of May /June when I needed emotional support after I had undergone a break-up. I have passed that phase and now a proud independent woman. Thanks to AMHD team for contributing when I needed that help.

Now I work and stay in a new city, where I don't know anyone. Yeah there is practically no one whom I can say my own or just go up to and feel comfortable with. Now you can call me introvert (that I am), reserved or because of my previous relationship crises or that I am strong yet too emotional at the same time not letting things get off. Reason I don't know but the effect or suffering is that I don't want to explore new people many a times and I don't want to let them reach me via an invisible wall. Why I am not letting them or myself from opening up I don't know. Either I am too skeptical now or don't want to take a chance or have become too choosy or not feeling the right connection or looking for that once in a lifetime true friendship or whatever but life doesn't work like that right? We need people, we need someone to say things to. And the worst part is I know this fact but I am not able to implement it.

Owing to which I feel very very alone at times in this new city. Since I am not the kind of person who like to Time-pass in any kind of relationship be it love or friendship therefore it takes time for me to find the right one and then build on it. For me its all or nothing. But between this phase of searching... I feel very alone when I really want to speak my heart out to someone in person but practically there is no one with whom I can do that. I have friends and family who are very close go me but they are far and conversing on cell phone doesn't always let your emotions flow and relief your soul completely, at least not for me.

Please tell me what to do?!

Perhaps it could be two things here.

The first being, that the prior relationship problems, and aftermath, have not yet been let go, or worked out. For that clearing the burden, with a counselor, would help very much.

The second thing I'm thinking is, you have to open up your expectations a little bit, and maybe be more reasonable.

Of course it is wonderful to have a friend to confide in, however, getting there is not always a straight, paved, lighted road.

Why not try smaller steps, and think that the more people you meet and the more activities you do, the more likely someone will feel like a natural friend, and take it from there. It would open up a lot of doors for you, but there is work to be done on your end, to get that plan in action.

I'll give you an example of a friend of mine, who moved clear across the country, and retired to a cottage on a lake. She was a teacher, and moved literally, her whole life, to a brand new place, alone. She loves art, so she started taking classes. Then she got involved with crafts at a local club, and from there she volunteers with different organizations, one in particular that promotes educational scholarships and is actively involved in that as well.

It didn't all come to her at once. But, she knew after many years of teaching and being on the go for decades, that she would have to find interests to fill her time, and get to know people. And to the getting to know people part, she is and enjoys a whole new circle of friends.

Try not to go down into that dark vortex, that zaps your energy and makes life so much harder.

Good luck to you.

I'd like to know why you chose a new city, knowing that this would happen?
And do you have old friends on social sites like Facebook?
New people such as at work - have you formed any kind of friendly relationships at all? 'All or nothing' doesn't work in a new place! You say hi, you ask how their day is going, or if they want to go get a coffee. There can be countless 'stages' of relationships, some of which never get past superficial. But you can't assess someone to see if they are suitable for the huge leap to something deeper, partly because they have to be feeling the same way. So it's a series of little steps back and forth, slowly seeing how you get along together.

They say that moving, especially if you are alone, is a very serious move. When you uproot, you leave behind people dear to you, just plain friends, your doctor just to name a couple. It is more important for seniors to reconsider this move but I can see this can be applied to everyone. It should not be used for an escape from a bad affair unless there is no other way. Leaving a lot of years behind is not an easy decision. It definitely is a start over from square one. You could consider moving back if it is going to cause you real grief.

Yeah, I believe it is both the fisrt as well as the second point contributing to my problem I feel.

What you suggested is right.

I would keep remembering it from time to time whenever I feel trapped and lonely and act upon solving this problem the way you have guided. It's a slow, gradual and a process needing efforts from both sides. SO I should and have to participate instead of just looking for that blink eye connection.

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Perhaps it could be two things here.

The first being, that the prior relationship problems, and aftermath, have not yet been let go, or worked out. For that clearing the burden, with a counselor, would help very much.

The second thing I'm thinking is, you have to open up your expectations a little bit, and maybe be more reasonable.

Of course it is wonderful to have a friend to confide in, however, getting there is not always a straight, paved, lighted road.

Why not try smaller steps, and think that the more people you meet and the more activities you do, the more likely someone will feel like a natural friend, and take it from there. It would open up a lot of doors for you, but there is work to be done on your end, to get that plan in action.

I'll give you an example of a friend of mine, who moved clear across the country, and retired to a cottage on a lake. She was a teacher, and moved literally, her whole life, to a brand new place, alone. She loves art, so she started taking classes. Then she got involved with crafts at a local club, and from there she volunteers with different organizations, one in particular that promotes educational scholarships and is actively involved in that as well.

It didn't all come to her at once. But, she knew after many years of teaching and being on the go for decades, that she would have to find interests to fill her time, and get to know people. And to the getting to know people part, she is and enjoys a whole new circle of friends.

Try not to go down into that dark vortex, that zaps your energy and makes life so much harder.

Good luck to you.

Relax! You are still new to your environment. Often the healing process and the process of building a life that you enjoy takes a longer time than we want it to. See this as a period of adjustment and getting the lay of the land and explore your new surroundings. In time you will get more comfortable with the city you live in, and the people you work with.

Making a plan and carry it out. Find your interests and explore them, or make one up. Often this leads to a like minded group of people to share meaningful (Or FUN) activities with. As Jake said, baby steps, that's how real change occurs and requires a reasonable plan of action. When the past gets you down, occupy your mind with YOUR plan for yourself. Things you might enjoy, a skill you wish you had.

Volunteer for a good worthy cause. Take some classes, window shop, and things that get you out and about, among people but not necessarily engaging them until your comfort level grows, is a good plan to follow as you learn about your new surroundings.

Takes time though so be patient with yourself. In a year, most of your fears will be behind you if you do a LITTLE work on yourself... ONE DAY AT A TIME.

@ joupulv and catonville
I am in the new city because I got my a new job in this city after my post graduation so I actually don't have a say in it :P perhaps it's a nice city full of young spirit :)
Yes, I have many old friends on FB which is a good point raised by you as it brings to my notice that the old friendships that I cherish now and am so proud of today were also new when we started :) So actually I should chill and keep cool and be open to new once. Gradually who knows I become good friends with a few!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

I'd like to know why you chose a new city, knowing that this would happen?
And do you have old friends on social sites like Facebook?
New people such as at work - have you formed any kind of friendly relationships at all? 'All or nothing' doesn't work in a new place! You say hi, you ask how their day is going, or if they want to go get a coffee. There can be countless 'stages' of relationships, some of which never get past superficial. But you can't assess someone to see if they are suitable for the huge leap to something deeper, partly because they have to be feeling the same way. So it's a series of little steps back and forth, slowly seeing how you get along together.

@talaniman
Thanks & points noted ! :)

I have thought to get a new decent place for myself and a new scooter, decorate my home them and throw a house -warming party plus new years party at my place inviting my small bunch of colleagues! And yes of course my family will join me and come live with me!! That's my dream by this year end and will work to achieve it from now on :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Relax! You are still new to your environment. Often the healing process and the process of building a life that you enjoy takes a longer time than we want it to. See this as a period of adjustment and getting the lay of the land and explore your new surroundings. In time you will get more comfortable with the city you live in, and the people you work with.

Making a plan and carry it out. Find your interests and explore them, or make one up. Often this leads to a like minded group of people to share meaningful (Or FUN) activities with. As Jake said, baby steps, that's how real change occurs and requires a reasonable plan of action. When the past gets you down, occupy your mind with YOUR plan for yourself. Things you might enjoy, a skill you wish you had.

Volunteer for a good worthy cause. Take some classes, window shop, and things that get you out and about, among people but not necessarily engaging them until your comfort level grows, is a good plan to follow as you learn about your new surroundings.

Takes time though so be patient with yourself. In a year, most of your fears will be behind you if you do a LITTLE work on yourself... ONE DAY AT A TIME.