How do you talk to someone that you can't talk to. I need to do something about my relationship with my husband and I don't know how to open the conversation. Ive tried letters and emails and yelling and pleding. I don't know how to make him see what is happening in our relationship. Its falling apart. It takes two right? Well then wouldn't the other side of the partnership see where its heading too, if one side sees it? Maybe that's the dif between men and women. He is controlling, insecure, stubborn, addicted to alcohol, dabbles in drugs, and is every kiind of abusive that you can think of. I am not a confrontational person, I'm not manipulative or impulsive. I think about things from every angle, before doing something. I am just short of walking out the door. I'm tired of my kids witnessing it, I'm tired of feeling the way I do, and him think everything is perfectly normal. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't know how to play the game of manipulation and contol. I'm just not that kind of person. How do you suggest counciling or separation, or whatever, without it being a fight or worse. He just has this MENtatlity that he thinks that everyone is out to get him, and wants what he has. He has been the soul provider for a family for years, I understand the stress of that, I would be the same way. He has his issues from childhood I think, but he won't do anything about them, and it is affecting our relationship. I went to counciling and that's when I realized that I was depressed and stressed because of him. I had a happy childhood and my parents are still together, I have never been abused, or anything like that, I realized that my problems were issues by association. His became mine. I'm so confused, I can't live like this, I can't handle it anymore. I don't know how to make him see what is happening. I want to do something to save our marriage, or figure out if its even worth saving. I don't know how to talk to him without him blowing up. PLEASE HELP!:(

WOW I'm sorry!

All I can suggest is be firm when you tell him you WANT that you 2 go to concelling together because your relationship is falling down hill and you can't carry on like this.
Consider your well being too, its unhealthy.

I know you don't want to leave him, but have you thought about you and the kids moving out for a while (or make him leave) so that you can have some time away from him to think clearly? It takes two to make a marriage work and if the other person is not willing to participate; I don't know what else you can do. You need to start making decisions that are best for and your children. They should not grow up in this type of environment. If you don't want your kids to become your husband or get involved with someone like your husband; then you may want to rethink having them live in that type of home. Sit him down and strongly recommend counseling, if he refuses then you need to get a good support system to help you stick to the tough decisions you will have to make. For your sanity, you and your children mental and phycial well being; start making real efforts to change your situation. Explore your options and the move to improve your life.
When you TRULY start to believe that you and your kids are your priority then you will start to take action.
When you want better you will do what it takes to get better.

Realestate1, I have a serious question for you.
Feel free to answer or not. After reading everything this man has done to you and your children...
Please list the reasons as to why you have not to left him.

See, that's the thing that I am trying to figure out. I don't know, I have been with him since I was 16. I have never been on my own. I went from living with my parents, to getting pregnant, and moving with him. I also have this stupid mentality, to think of other people before myself, and I think about how much it will hurt him, and how he is, and that sometimes its just easier to deal with it. Until reciently, I just let everything roll off my sholders, well it thought I did, but I realized that it was doing more to me then I thought. I have a lot of support around me, I guess I am just trying to talk myself into the fact that me will change one day. I know he won't without help, so I don't know. One day he's nice. And hell stay that way for a week or so, then something will set him off and that's it. I keep telling myself OK, next time he's like this I'm done... but then I do nothing. I don't know if he is testing me or what. Hes a jerk and everyone knows it, but he is a good provider, finacially, and that about it. Maybe its also the fear of the unknown. Also the fact that I know I am going to have to depend on other people at first. I'm not the kind of person to take handouts and have other people help me, and I will have to do that at frist, and that scares me. I always try to have the upper hand, and stand up... and I always get shot down. For example, I was feeling pretty good yesterday, and I sat down and wrote my husband a little letter. Telling him how I felt. How I am unhappy, and I think we need help, that we have reached the point of no return. For our sakes and the kids sake, lets go to counciling or we need to face the facts and act like adutls and need to make other arraingments because things aren't right... well he was reading it in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I walked past the bathroom, and he was in there laughing. So that kind of showed me what he thought about the entire situation. So I don't know. I almost feel like I'm looking for somones approvial. I'm so use to getting approvail from someone (him) to go out with my friends, to go out iwht my parents, or my kids, to go shopping. Everything. Which 99% of the time I don't get the approval. So I'm so use to getting approval to do things, I almost feel like I need to get approval. I guess I need to give myself the approval. :(

Well, if it's approval to leave him that you need, here, take mine. Now you have it. I know it's scary and even humiliating to start over and accept help from others, but this man is doing serious damage, not only to you, but to your children as well. You owe it to everybody, even him, to take action to get yourself and the kids out of his reach. If the shock of your leaving wakes him up to reality and he gets some serious help to deal with his issues, then you could talk about reconciliation, but don't hold your breath. It would take a major course of therapy and a lot of work and self-analysis on his part to come to grips with his problems, and people like him are rarely willing to do that. The impulse to blame others is so ingrained that they have real trouble letting go of it and taking responsibility. Get out before he does even more damage.

You say you are tying to figure out why you haven't left. Well maybe its time that you took out some pen and paper and write it down. Think long and hard about it. You say that you have always put other people before yourself, but then I would ask then why haven't you put your children's well being before yourself. Why have you put your husband before you kids? You say you see how it is affecting your kids, but that seems like its still not a good enough reason to leave. I would think that alone would be justification enough.
You said you think about how leaving would hurt him. Have you thought about your children's pain? Sit down with them ask them how the feel. They have feeling too and it may not be easy for them to just let things role off their back as you do. I'm confused he is the one hurting you and your kids, but you think about how it will hurt him?
Don't get me wrong I do not think leaving your spouse is an easy decision to make and it is not one that anyone else can make for you. I am just saying its time to sit down and face reality and think about what's important here. YOU'RE KIDS, YOUR SANITY.
If you have a good support system I would urge you to use it. They can be your strength during this hard time and with God's help you will not have to need the personal or financial help of others, it would only be temporary. I'm sure the people who know you, know you are not a freeloader.
I think you will make a change when you stop thinking that your husband is more important than you and your kids. Your actions during this time are setting the examples for you kids. Remember that.
People treat you how you allow them to treat you.