The woman I have been dating has been being very distant. She went away for a couple weeks and came back completely different. She speaks to me like a friend now, not very flirty, or anything like she used to. I know she has been dealing with some medical issues that hasn't been the greatest. She says she still wants to deal with me, but the stress of work, and being sick has been holding her back. This is also a long distant relationship. She was supposed to visit me, but now she is saying she might not be able to due to doctor appointments, and wantingto feel better an stuff... Even though I know she's sick, I started taking this partially as a red flag of disinterest, and stopped contacting her as much, and keeping conversations short if she contacts me. One of my friends said since she is not feeling well, I should be there more than anything and maybe surprise her by sending flowers, and focus less on us and more on her. I personally don't think this is a good idea, and may push her away further... Please give me your viewpoints?

How long have you two been dating? How old are you two? Where did she go? Were you in contact with her while you were gone? What sickness does she have?

I am seeing the same thing you are. Have you talked to her about it? Communication is better then assumptions or talking to friends about it. There are two things going on here that are equally likely:
1). She is sick and stressed, as she said, and she doesn't have the mental resources to deal with all that and a relationships, so she deals what is nearest and dearest to her. Her professional life, her personal medical issues, and her close people. This happens when something is taxing on a person. It isn't intentional, but can be seen as being something personal and hurtful. Which is where you are at at the moment.
2). She's just not that in to you any more. Things were good, and stayed good, but when she was away she found someone else, had fling, or time to reflect on her relationship, or an epiphany, or just made a decision. She's decided subconsciously that the relationship is over and has left it in a holding position. She's relying on her disinterest to push you away enough so YOU end it instead of her. So that You are the bad guy and not her. It is a way to hurt less at the end of a relationship.

Depending on the answers to the questions I posted above, it might be worth it to evaluate your relationship. While it is kind of crappy to leave a person during or because of a medical issue, it isn't unheard of and it isn't a bad thing persay, just looks bad on paper.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

How long have you two been dating? How old are you two? Where did she go? Were you in contact with her while you were gone? What sickness does she have?

I am seeing the same thing you are. Have you talked to her about it? Communication is better then assumptions or talking to friends about it. There are two things going on here that are equally likely:
1). She is sick and stressed, as she said, and she doesn't have the mental resources to deal with all that and a relationships, so she deals what is nearest and dearest to her. Her professional life, her personal medical issues, and her close people. This happens when something is taxing on a person. It isn't intentional, but can be seen as being something personal and hurtful. Which is where you are at at the moment.
2). She's just not that in to you any more. Things were good, and stayed good, but when she was away she found someone else, had fling, or time to reflect on her relationship, or an epiphany, or just made a decision. She's decided subconsciously that the relationship is over and has left it in a holding position. She's relying on her disinterest to push you away enough so YOU end it instead of her. So that You are the bad guy and not her. It is a way to hurt less at the end of a relationship.

Depending on the answers to the questions I posted above, it might be worth it to evaluate your relationship. While it is kind of crappy to leave a person during or because of a medical issue, it isn't unheard of and it isn't a bad thing persay, just looks bad on paper.

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I did, I only mentioned it once though and have been observing. She says its just the stress of everything. I do know health is involved because she was having some issues before I even met her. If that's enough to make your behavior do a 360. I don't know. She seems like the honest type, so I don't think she's dealing with somebody else, but who knows? She still text me a lot, but the conversations are pretty basic now which sucks when you been looking forward to hearing from someone a couple of days. If she is as sick as she claims I feel like I should be there, but it could equally be an excuse to hide the fact that her lack of attraction is increasing. So that's why I started distancing myself, because I don't know what's going on. That's when my friends came in, and said basically send her some I hope you feel better flowers, candy, etc... Just seems like a risky move to me lol... If someone may possibly be getting tired of you, and it might just be their health like they claim, I don't see how sending gifts to her desk would help...I don't know what she has, but I do know their were a couple of attempts at surgery pertaining to skin issues...That was about a month ago though.

How long have you two been dating? How old are you two?

Please answer these.

Also realize that you need to figure your happiness into this. Being selfless and being with her through thick and thin is great, unless it leaves you an emotional mess. I am not saying that you should cut and run, but evaluate how long you've been together and weigh that with what you think your future is going to be. Is it worth it? It is okay to say no. It is okay to be selfish when it relates to your own well being. Especially when you figure that she's distancing herself from you.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ce-817285.html

CMH is quite correct about assumptions, but maybe part of your concern and fear is from the distance involved with this new stranger. HOWEVER, no excuse to not show your interests and feelings for her health with a gift of flowers and sympathy despite your FEAR is there? Of course not!

If you are afraid to risk your heart for this relationship, you don't need to be in one. If you are not going to put your best foot forward, then what's the whole point? That's not a very optimistic recipe for success and sends a "you don't care message".

Aren't life and love hard enough without you being unwilling to give this a fair shot on YOUR part? Even if it doesn't work out, the lesson learned from trying YOUR best will be it's own reward, and you learn how to be in it to win it whether you do or not.

Until you learn otherwise I say she deserves the benefit of a doubt and your best honest effort. This is really no time to let your own FEAR of being hurt or rejected stray you from the path of decent good behavior.

Send the flowers and show some sincere understanding... you might learn something you need to know. For sure you learn NOTHING by NOT trying YOUR BEST.

Funny with the population numbers on this planet... why some people insist on some fantasy relationship with someone far, far away who is rarely what they claim. And if and when they do meet... they find they are never what they expect... and get upset when they find that out.

I almost expect a request for money to be following soon.....to treat this mythical illness.


Sorry to be so blunt...but there are so many people burned by scammers that play on some variation of this theme its not even funny. THe key being "this is a long distance relationship" you only know what you are told...and have no way to know its truthfulness. I see red flags everywhere with this. I doubt her honesty on most of this.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Funny with the population numbers on this planet... why some people insist on some fantasy relationship with someone far, far away who is rarely what they claim. And if and when they do meet... they find they are never what they expect... and get upset when they find that out.

I almost expect a request for money to be following soon.....to treat this mythical illness.


Sorry to be so blunt...but there are so many people burned by scammers that play on some variation of this theme its not even funny. THe key being "this is a long distance relationship" you only know what you are told...and have no way to know its truthfulness. I see red flags everywhere with this. I doubt her honesty on most of this.

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I am usually against long distance, but this wasn't like eharmony or nothing. I met her in person first and was very attracted to her. She is related to a friend of mine and came to visit, so I knew of her, and saw family pictures of her for years. I know the surgery part is true since I heard from family, I doubt she is a scammer at least lol...

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

How long have you two been dating? How old are you two?

Please answer these.

Also realize that you need to figure your happiness into this. Being selfless and being with her through thick and thin is great, unless it leaves you an emotional mess. I am not saying that you should cut and run, but evaluate how long you've been together and weigh that with what you think your future is going to be. Is it worth it? It is okay to say no. It is okay to be selfish when it relates to your own well being. Especially when you figure that she's distancing herself from you.

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25, and its only been for a couple of months, pretty short, and definitely not that old.

How many dates have you been on in person? What's the agreement between you... just dating... exclusively dating?

ELECTRONIC dating? UGH!! Just texting AARGH!!!!!!

Texting and phone... This is all new to me. Only hung out when she came to my state. We acknowledge dating though... If this doesn't work, I am never trying long distance again.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How many dates have you been on in person? What's the agreement between you... just dating... exclusively dating?

ELECTRONIC dating? UGH!! Just texting AARGH!!!!!!

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You can call it whatever you want... but unless you both going out to the same place together in person and can actually physically hold hands if you desired at that moment, (absolutely REQUIRED to be a date), if you can't.. even if you wanted to...because you aren't in the same location, then its not a date.


Unless you have a spouse that had to go for work (unaccompanied tour, or owning a house a house and kids in school means going with them is not an option)...that's one thing.....otherwise its a massive waste of time for anything but casual friendship.

You have been getting advice from all men here so far. My female feelers went up with a very short phrase (in among all the rest) about her illness. " Even though I know she's sick, I started taking this partially as a red flag of disinterest,.." OH MY! You have no idea which it really is, so you choose the one that cuts you right off at the knees. Your friend was exactly right - just be there for her, flowers or not (there isn't a woman alive who doesn't love flowers). You have not worked one iota on a gentle note to her (perhaps with the flowers) that you won't pester her but are there, waiting for any moment day or night, when she might want some contact, or an errand done, or a shoulder to cry on.

All in all, I get a sense of a young man who is more wrapped up in how rejected he might be, how hurt he is, and none about her and how she is. Do you care about her or about your confused and wounded self?

I'm not understanding why you don't think sending her flowers or an "I'm thinking you" card is not a good thing. If she really is sick, which you say she is, wouldn't you do that for a friend? Why would you not think to do this for someone you are dating without someone having to tell you to do it. If she is sick and you care, it is about her, not you.

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Originally Posted by amorius2005

25, and its only been for a couple of months, pretty short, and definitely not that old.

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Considering this and your other thread I would cut your loses and leave. You can find another fulfilling relationship with another person. I don't think this is worth it. You're not willing to put in the effort and you're already disengaging from her. So to save heartache on both sides, leave.

Yes, a real boyfriend sends cards and flowers, (real ones)
They also write real letters, not just emails.
They would also video chat a few times a week at least.
And text daily (some)

It really sounds like it is getting over. Most long distance relationships do.
The issue with long distance, is that there has to be some in person also.

My wife and I started after we were introduced long distance, but we took turns traveling to each others location each month, if even for a few days. And then each holiday, we traveled and spent a week with each other. (and I get two months holiday each winter and each summer, so I spent them with her.

Also each on a long distance relationship have to consider, what happens in the future, who moves to the other at some point if it gets serious.

At any rate, if she is your friend and having health issues you would send well wishes and flowers.

I hate when I see an interesting topic of conversation, and you never hear the outcome, so I thought I would give a quick update. I did send the flowers, she loved them and she went back to her usual flirty self... On the downside, a mutual friend(also her relative) that we cared a lot about, which still has me pretty depressed has passed away. So she came up to my state a.s.a.p for the funeral. We did spend quite a bit of time together although, we never really got any alone time for obvious reasons, and she traveled up with family. In between, there was quite a bit of touching, we kissed when she was on her way back to the airport, and we decided to actually try a relationship with official status. It will probably be hard, because now that she's actually my girlfriend, it would be wrong to entertain myself with the attention of other females like I could do prior. I just thought I would give and update... Do the same people answer questions about relationship section that did the dating?

Thank you for your update, glad you took the high road here and wish you the best, To answer your question about the posters you will probably see the same people in both forums, maybe more.

Good. I wish you two the best.

Update... Ive been with the same girl this whole time, and actually visited her, met all her friends, parents, siblings, grandparents, you name it. The mother even calls me her future son in law. Me and her had awkward moments every now and then where she seemed annoyed(just body language, nothing rude was ever said), but then would be a little affectionate later, than nonchalant again. We also have been talking marriage and I do adore her. Overall she's not as affectionate as a lot of women I have met in the past, but then will text how much she enjoyed me, and misses me. Between being hundreds of miles away now that I have returned home, and not quite being able to gauge the interest levels... Any advice? Long distance is hard.

LDR's are a leap of faith and a test of patience, and trust, even for the most committed of couples, and one hell of a risk to take since it skews reality, and gives way to fear and fantasy. Worse, you dump so much into them emotionally and mentally with a text or call the only reward, you are left empty most times.

Now you have raised the stakes and talked marriage? You should be talking about when/how to end this distance crap, and bonding in real life to see if indeed you are compatible for a lifetime commitment, or you are just hopeful electronic friends.

But dating in real life isn't in the near future is it? You are correct LDR's are EXTREMELY difficult.