Ask Me Help Desk - Left confused after being dumped

Hi Guys,

This is quite a long story, so please bear with me I really need advice.

Ok, I was on a night out with friends and as the night was ending I turned to my right and made eye contact with this beautiful looking girl. I never usually approach girls but this time I did as she smiled at me and made me feel at ease. The conversation we had was great and we really clicked, we never kissed that night but she asked for my number and she did indeed text me.

I was so happy she did and texting between us continued. I then bumped into her the next week in the same place and we kissed. Got on great again, she said she never usually goes with any random guy and usually knows them for a while 1st. I then text her drunk and told her how much I liked her, everything just seemd great and she made out she felt the same.

As time went on she told me on many occasions how much she liked me but I hardly ever seen her due to her work, as she worked evenings and I worked days.

She basically had mon,tue and sat off but said she only really had sat to have a night out with friends. She is turning 21 and me 27 so I was wary of the age gap but thought it wouldn't be an issue.

The relationship she was in before she never saw her frinds as her ex wouldn't let her so she felt trapped. I found myself never getting to see her, if I did it would be once every 1-2 weeks. This was getting to me and I moaned a little about how I never saw her. She then said She wanted things more casual and not put a time scale on when we would nxt see each other, but still wanted to see me. So I agreed but was getting confused with her txting saying she missed me or phoning me all the time but hardly ever arranging to see me.

One time I was on the phone to her and her 2nd ex text her and she went all weir don the phone and said she has to go. All I got was a message saying "im so sorry", I then spoke to her and she made it clear she was over her ex. She was honest and told me that when she met her recent ex she cheated on him with her 1st long term boyfriend as she still loved him and basically missed him when with someone else. This worried me but I thought its nothing to do with me I just need to show her I'm better.
Over time I was getting tired of not getting to see her and called it off, she wanted to sort things and we did. It continued as usual I called it off aagain but I bumped into her on a night out and we kissed. She would speak to me saying she felt there was no chemistry between us but gets on great with me and feels so relaxed. She would always say she had no time cause of work but to me she had three days where I could have seen her at som point. When we kissed after me calling it off she text me saying things like "i dont usually kiss my pals" and "ur getting me to like u again, not good". I just took this as her playing hard to get and we continued to meet up whenever she liked.

A few weeks ago I went round to her house and we go quite close and everything seemed great, I was so happy. She then anted to go out with me that week and we did. The night was going great then she disappeared to the toilet in a nightclub for overy 20mins. She then came out and 10 minutes later wanted to go home, she left the taxi and all she could say was "im so sorry" I'm obviously confused again. She said she was just drunk and felt ill, so I let it be.

The final straw came when we were on the phone I shouted and acted silly about her not making any effort to see me and accusing her of daft thing, I was just really hurt and said things out of character. Within that week she called me and said it was finished and she just wanted to be with her friends and seen a side to me that reminds her of her possesive ex, and also there was no connection between us.

She wanted to stay friends and I agreed but I was just hoping things would change. She then text me drunk one night making out she still liked me bu the next day aplogised and hoped we hadn't ruine our friendship. I decided I couldn't be friends as its too hurtful for me. My problem is I am totally confused as to whether I was liked and should I have stayed friends in the hope that we would meet up again get together again.

Im really hurting and have taken this personally, she asked me if I was still coming to her birthday party and said I couldn't and I haven't heard from her since, I can't stop thinking about her, can't sleep right and I'm gutted. My friends tell me she just didn't want a relationship and when she seen it getting serious she called it a day.

Should I be friends with her and accept she just wasn't ready??

How do I get over this feeling of rejection and not feeling good enough??

I feel I blame myself for shouting cause of the way things were and not creating that chemistry she was wanting.

Sorry for the long story but any advice would be greatly appreciated

In all honesty this is a mixed up affair. Its time to get yourself out of it. Be thankful you didn't have a fully fledged relationship or it would have been allot harder. Seems like she has allot of issues she needs to work out herself, this may or may not have to do with her ex's.

Leave her alone, do not be her friend and work on yourself. Do not contact her, block her mobile no, email etc so she does not have any way of contacting you. Join the gym if you haven't, go out with your friends and have a great time. Give it a bit of time and you'll be fine :)

Hi Jiser,

Thanks for the advice, I don't know what's up with me but I just feel myself getting jealous at the fact that she is out with her friends and not even bothering about me and getting all the attention from guys, you know!!

Myself esteem isn't great and this I guess makes me struggle to move on. I have joined the gym so that's a start. I used to get plenty of attention from women, but myself esteem has hit the rocks, I'm suffering from hair loss and it really does affect my confidence on the way I look.

I just don't know why I wish she would contact me again if she is like this.

You wanted more than she was willing to give so now you have to regroup and work on your own issues so next time you can slow down and enjoy getting to know someone. You moved to fast and became to into this female who was not ready.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You wanted more than she was willing to give so now you have to regroup and work on your own issues so next time you can slow down and enjoy getting to know someone. You moved to fast and became to into this female who was not ready.

I agree, I did move too fast, that's why I'm kicking myself for this. I wish I had just went slower. That's why I was thinking maybe stay friends and maybe one day it would pick up.

I feel as if she has made sense and I am to blame, if I wasn't so full on she would still want to see me??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiser

In all honesty this is a mixed up affair. Its time to get yourself out of it. Be thankful you didn't have a fully fledged relationship or it would have been allot harder. Seems like she has allot of issues she needs to work out herself, this may or may not have to do with her ex's.

Leave her alone, do not be her friend and work on yourself. Do not contact her, block her mobile no, email etc so she does not have any way of contacting you. Join the gym if you haven't, go out with your friends and have a great time. Give it a bit of time and you'll be fine :)

Hi Jiser,

Thanks for the advice, I don't know what's up with me but I just feel myself getting jealous at the fact that she is out with her friends and not even bothering about me and getting all the attention from guys, you know!!

Myself esteem isn't great and this I guess makes me struggle to move on. I have joined the gym so that's a start. I used to get plenty of attention from women, but myself esteem has hit the rocks, I'm suffering from hair loss and it really does affect my confidence on the way I look.

I just don't know why I wish she would contact me again if she is like this.

Sorry didn't quote u, as you can see I'm new to this lol

Your self-esteem will always take abit of a beating in situations like yours. However you can choose how it effects you. Chuck that ego out the door and forget what people think of you. Who cares?

Go down the gym, pump the weights hard! Get some protein in you, get a decent workout going. You'll look great for the summer. Go out more and meet people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiser

Your self-esteem will always take abit of a beating in situations like yours. However you can choose how it effects you. Chuck that ego out the door and forget what people think of you. Who cares?

Go down the gym, pump the weights hard! Get some protein in you, get a decent workout going. You'll look great for the summer. Go out more and meet people.

Du honestly think that being friends with this girl is the wrong idea, I feel as though I'm to blame for acting too full on or serious by wanting to see her more?

From what you wrote, she seems confused about what she wants. So leave her alone, do not be friends with her. Do not try to over analyze things. Get some sort of self belief back and do not contact her.

Not saying you can't give things a try again, such as being friends or even more, but in the mean time you have to work on yourself. After several months, maybe more you will be able to look more clearly upon your situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiser

From what you wrote, she seems confused about what she wants. So leave her alone, do not be friends with her. Do not try to over analyze things. Get some sort of self belief back and do not contact her.

Not saying you can't give things a try again, such as being friends or even more, but in the mean time you have to work on your self. After several months, maybe more you will be able to look more clearly upon your situation.

You are correct in what your saying, its just really hard letting go of something you wanted, but I will not contact her cause it will only be to make her happy and I will continually hope there is more.

The hardest thing to swallow will be seeing her with someone else

Yes its going to be hard. But you can do it! The key is to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyne26

The hardest thing to swallow will be seeing her with some1 else

That's going to be hard, yes of course. So basically do not go where you will see her. This is why its important to not go near the 'grape vine' and to abide by NC.

Quote:

The hardest thing to swallow will be seeing her with someone else

Yes your right and you will handle it by accepting that you don't have a relationship with her. She does as she please and so do you. Its all part of moving forward.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiser

Yes its going to be hard. But you can do it! The key is to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.

Thats going to be hard, yes of course. So basically do not go where you will see her. This is why its important to not go near the 'grape vine' and to abide by NC.

We stay in different areas so I wouldn't see her often. I just keep feeling I am to blame for this. She said there were things she didn't like about me. I admit I do have one or two faults. The week before we ended I shouted down the phone at her accusing her of nonsense, and how frustrated I was at her lack of effort to see me. She said she also didn't like the way I would ask some questions over and over again, which is my insecure side which I hate. I wish I could prove to her I'm not like this, she said these actions were like that of her ex and that's a road she doesn't want to go down again.

Am I wrong in saying I should respect her wishes to be friends as I blame myself or do you think I have reason to act the way I did?

We all have our ways, so what? Stop feeling guilty, and get your life together, and learn from the experience. If you made a mistake, acknowledge it, and file it away, and don't repeat it, since now you know better. Until you get healthy and less emotional about her, then being friends is out of the question, leave her alone for now, and heal.

I was out last night with some friends and I seen her friends, but she wasn't there. Obviously I'm thinking about her, I don't know if it's a bad idea to turn up with another woman and let her see what she is missing. I know this isn't good on the other person but she just wants a casual thing anyway.

I want to see her look over and get jealous, trouble is this could hurt more if she doesn't even bother.

Playing games with others feelings is not recommended. It is petty small and short sighted. More than likely it can come back to bite you in the azz. Better to being enjoying yourself and getting over her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyne26

I was out last nite with some friends and I seen her friends, but she wasnt there. Obviously im thinking about her, I dunno if its a bad idea to turn up with another woman and let her see what she is missing. I know this isnt good on the other person but she just wants a casual thing anyway.

I want to see her look over and get jealous, trouble is this could hurt more if she doesnt even bother.

Playing this game is a dangerous move and like tal said could end up backfiring on you.

Hi there.
If she has had possesive boyf in the past she will be standing back waiting for it to happen again and maybe why she kept her distance.
You have to start loving yourself before you can start loving someone else or you will always be looking at things negativly.
Go out and have fun enjoy yourself have some time for you and to figure what you want out of life.
Its hard to let go of something that you felt was close to you in your heart and will take time but isn't no use in sitting on you own and keep going over it will only drive you mad.
If you see her out be yourself say hi will be hard but at least you know that you isn't the same as the others if she can see that you isn't being of with her and giving her that preasure maybe things will build up again in time.
But make sure you do your own thing and your not always waiting for that next moment to see her. Give her the space she is looking for and let her come to you that way you know that it is something that she wants and not what you have pushed on her.
At 21 women are all for having a good time going out having a laugh spending time with friends and doing the girly things togeather. She don't want to feel preasured speshialy if that's how she has felt in the past.
Like I say let her come to you if that's what she wants but don't build hopes up as you never know what's round the corner.

I hope my waffling helps you think about it in different ways always best to cover things from every angle and choose yourself what road you want to take.

Lez x

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lez

hi there.
If she has had possesive boyf in the past she will be standing back waiting for it to happen again and maybe why she kept her distance.
You have to start loving your self b4 you can start loving someone else or you will always be looking at things negativly.
Go out and have fun enjoy your self have some time for you and to figure what you want out of life.
Its hard to let go of something that you felt was close to you in your heart and will take time but aint no use in sitting on ya own and keep going over it will only drive ya mad.
if you see her out be yourself say hi will be hard but at least you know that you aint the same as the others if she can see that you aint being of with her and giveing her that preasure maybe things will build up again in time.
but make sure you do your own thing and your not always waiting for that next moment to see her. give her the space she is looking for and let her come to you that way you know that it is something that she wants and not what you have pushed on her.
At 21 women are all for having a good time going out having a laugh spending time with friends and doing the girly things togeather. she dont want to feel preasured speshialy if thats how she has felt in the past.
Like i say let her come to you if thats what she wants but dont build hopes up as you never know whats round the corner.

i hope my waffling helps ya think about it in different ways always best to cover things from every angle and choose your self what road you want to take.

Lez x

Yeah I know everything you say makes sense. At that age I felt the same and I can uderstand wanting to be with friends. The bit I'm struggling with is she wanted to stay friends and not be in a relationship. The question I continually go over in my head is Should I be friends because I understand her situaion and her views at this time and she wants to have fun or is the no contact rule the best. I keep thinking she isn't really done anything wrong so why should I not be friends, I was totally cool with being casual with her but as soon as I acted like an arse I got chucked. I regret so much for the way I showed my frustration and it would not happen again.

I think to myself if I stay friends I am keeping my options open but still getting on with other things in life.

IF I CUT ALL CONTACT THERE WILL BE NO HOPE??

Well I would wait a month or two, give you time to think before you start chatting again. I would keep it light - maybe over msn or something! In the mean time move on.