Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend has changed

Hello

This might be the silliest thing but it is a concern to me. I've been dating my partner for 10months now at the start things were amazing he wanted to see me all the time and gave his full attention to me no matter what. After about our 4-5 month of dating I felt like he started to drift away he was present still spending time with me but it just felt different. I told him about my past relationship and what I don't like and he also said what he doesn't like but now I get the feeling he is doing the same thing my ex was doing.

To give you an example when I told him about my bad relationship and that my ex used to ignore me I had to do everything for him I had to initiate sex etc he said he'd never do that he'll spoil me etc now it's got nothing to do with the physical gifts but the principle I find myself spoiling him all the time booking things for us making him feel good he had only once got me a gift and I didn't even won't it because it's like he got it out of pity. He has never posted anything endearing or nice about me on social media in the 10 months we've been together he has posted 5 pictures of us but yet posts 100 pictures of everything else so it's not like he is anti social media. When he is with me it's like he is a boyfriend for 30 mins the tunes out. I'm not sure what to think And scared to ask because when I done that in the past with my ex it never ended well and I don't want to start an argument because that's not my intention however it's getting to the point when I see my friends posting pics of their partners buying them gifts and flowers or taking them out for dinner that I get really upset and wish that occasionally my partner would do that for me considering he knows how bad my ex was and that I've never ever had that happen to me. I feel like I'm trying too hard to get his attention and he isn't trying hard enough, it's gotten to that stage where I cry sometimes because I'm too old for games and want to settle down.

Now to give you a bit more info, our sex life is great only issue is I have to initiate it, however said recent even when I send him sexy text messages normally in the past he'd be more prone to sexually respond back now I barely get a sentence out of him and then he changes subject or says he's going to sleep, when we do spend time together he does occasionally hug me or kiss me but yet again I feel like I have to be the one to initiate it, otherwise we'd sit at opposite ends, when we go out he holds my hand but yet again I have to be the one that makes the move first, it's getting really tiring because I'm chasing him and we should equally be doing it.

Can someone please give me some clarity or advice. Please don't say break up with him because I love him too much to do that I just need some tips on how to respark him/us

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyofquestion

Hello

This might be the silliest thing but it is a concern to me. I've been dating my partner for 10months now at the start things were amazing he wanted to see me all the time and gave his full attention to me no matter what. After about our 4-5 month of dating I felt like he started to drift away he was present still spending time with me but it just felt different. I told him about my past relationship and what I don't like and he also said what he doesn't like but now I get the feeling he is doing the same thing my ex was doing. To give you an example when I told him about my bad relationship and that my ex used to ignore me I had to do everything for him I had to initiate sex etc he said he'd never do that he'll spoil me etc now it's got nothing to do with the physical gifts but the principle I find myself spoiling him all the time booking things for us making him feel good he had only once got me a gift and I didn't even won't it because it's like he got it out of pity. He has never posted anything endearing or nice about me on social media in the 10months we've been together he has posted a 5pictures of us but yet posts 100 pictures of everything else so it's not like he is anti social media. When he is with me it's like he is a boyfriend for 30mins the tunes out. I'm not sure what to think And scared to ask because when I done that in the past with my ex it never ended well and I don't want to start an argument because that's not my intention however it's getting to the point when I see my friends posting pics of their partners buying them gifts and flowers or taking them out for dinner that I get really upset and wish that occasionally my partner would do that for me considering he knows how bad my ex was and that I've never ever had that happen to me. I feel like I'm trying too hard to get his attention and he isn't trying hard enough, it's gotten to that stage where I cry sometimes because I'm too old for games and want to settle down. Now to give you a bit more info, our sex life is great only issue is I have to initiate it, however said recent even when I send him sexy text messages normally in the past he'd be more prone to sexually respond back now I barely get a sentence out of him and then he changes subject or says he's going to sleep, when we do spend time together he does occasionally hug me or kiss me but yet again I feel like I have to be the one to initiate it, otherwise we'd sit at opposite ends, when we go out he holds my hand but yet again I have to be the one that makes the move first, it's getting really tiring because I'm chasing him and we should equally be doing it, Can someone please give me some clarity or advice. Please don't say break up with him because I love him too much to do that I just need some tips on how to red park him/us

OK... get used to this then. Because there will be a LOT more of it.

Seriously... LOTS of red flags here all over the place.

First... Its only been ten months... you might be deeply infatuated with him... but its not love yet. You haven't even gotten past the getting acquainted phase.. that takes up to a couple years.

Another... I'm not surprised he burned out. Not even a marriage will even survive spending all your time together and EITHER person giving their full attention. Who would even want that. You each have your own lives and interests... and you would have to give them up to do that... resentment will set in eventually.

You also aren't going to change him into the guy you wish he was. What you see now is the real him. Everybody pretends to be more than they are in the beginning of any relationship... that never lasts.

And also... if the relationship is right... he wouldn't HAVE to try hard, all the time... that's like pushing a rope uphill. Rather than riding a 2 person sled downhill.

What has happened here is the honeymoon phase is over for him.. but its not for you.

None of that is what you want to hear, I know. But I learned years ago.. If its right... its right... but if its wrong... then its an exercise in futility to change it. A FEW small things might change... but not major things. A leopard can't change its spots. No matter how much it wants to be a Tiger.

Suggestions: Do not complain. At. All. Do not chase him. Do not give him gifts. Do not hope for gifts from him. Do not expect conversation with him. Do not reach for his hand. Do not initiate sex. Do not expect him to post about you on social media. Get busy and get involved with Life Away From Him.

Maybe because of your past you may be trying too hard, or the past has made you too needy, or with unrealistic expectations but only you can know that. Or you both are slow to adjust to each other for whatever reason, or you are denying the fact that while you may be looking for a life mate, he is not at this point.

Whatever the deal is here, maybe you slow down and take an objective look at what this relationship has evolved into, and talk to the guy honestly about it.

Not good that you are unhappy because he doesn't act the way you want him too, nor can he read your mind. How long between last break up and dating this guy?

I see perhaps unrealistic ideas of what a boyfriend is and how much attention he gives you. Also a serous (maybe) communication problem where he may believe he is giving you attention, in his ways, but you expect it, in different ways.

Let's break this down. First off a few concepts of dating. The entire point is to evaluate a mate to decide whether the relationship is what you want. We're talking long term here, decades of time. This is a slow process and many people don't figure out yes or no until a year or two in. Which is to say that 10 months isn't a huge stretch of time and is a good time to sit down and contemplate whether this relationship is worth it, if it is long term, and if you can stand what you don't like. Don't choose a crappy relationship because you don't want to be alone. Being roomates that occasionally bump nasties isn't a good way to live. Trust me on this one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyofquestion

This might be the silliest thing but it is a concern to me. I've been dating my partner for 10months now at the start things were amazing he wanted to see me all the time and gave his full attention to me no matter what. After about our 4-5 month of dating I felt like he started to drift away he was present still spending time with me but it just felt different. I told him about my past relationship and what I don't like and he also said what he doesn't like but now I get the feeling he is doing the same thing my ex was doing.

This happens in almost all relationships. In the beginning, called the honeymoon phase, everything is good and happy. You're feeling the quick burn of infatuation and lust, it is REALLY awesome! Then when that fades away you get either the love, or friendship, or indifference. This usually occurs when you start do the long term evaluations of the person. Can you live with their snoring? Or how they never take their dishes to the kitchen? Or that they never lanscape their body hair? The problem is that a lot of people are so overwhelmed by this modern world that they choose bad relationships over no relationships. When you're in a relationship you've got a way to define yourself. When you're not... You start to fade into the societial background and become something small and meaningless. Completely not true, but this is the difference between the emotional and rational mind.

I could go on, but let's continue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyofquestion

To give you an example when I told him about my bad relationship and that my ex used to ignore me I had to do everything for him I had to initiate sex etc he said he'd never do that he'll spoil me etc now it's got nothing to do with the physical gifts but the principle I find myself spoiling him all the time booking things for us making him feel good he had only once got me a gift and I didn't even won't it because it's like he got it out of pity. He has never posted anything endearing or nice about me on social media in the 10 months we've been together he has posted 5 pictures of us but yet posts 100 pictures of everything else so it's not like he is anti social media. When he is with me it's like he is a boyfriend for 30 mins the tunes out.

Everyone expects to be a priority in the lives of their Significant Other, and most functional relationship this is true. The problem is, and I have seen this more with guys but with girls as well, people don't have a way to show their affection. There are three things that are at work here, the first is that he's just not that into you. A person develops something called a love map early in their lives. It is heavily influenced by their parents, close relations, and media input. It is their subconscious expectations for a long term relationship. What needs to be done, what doesn't. For example, my father never got my mother random gifts. As such I never saw that there was a need for it. So when I am out wandering, I don't explicitly look or think of things I can shower my wife with. It isn't that I don't think she deserves it or I don't have the money for it. It just never occurs to me. It doesn't mean that I love my wife less.

The second thing is that he might not as into you as your to him. It sounds like you've fallen hard for him and he's kind of fallen for you, but not as much. This again isn't unusual in a relationship, there is always someone who is more into their partner then the other. Most of the times it is the woman, but not always. Will his feelings grow into a more romantic love? Maybe? Who knows.

The last thing is that you're setting yourself up for failure here. You're guilting him into being what you expect in a partner. You're not asking him, your guilting him. How? "My Ex did this. You're doing this. Please don't." So he is initially being told that he's not living up to your expectations, which he probably wants to, and secondly you're telling him that because he's doing the same things as your Ex is and if you continue you'll be an Ex too. You're basically telling him, that if he does shape up he's going to be kicked to the curb. This probably is making him more reserved rather then going all in. What you need to understand is that by comparing your partner to your ex, you're telling them that they're as bad as someone who you're not with anymore. I know this isn't your intent but intent doesn't matter in this case. The message does. Think about how you'd feel if he started guilting you into doing things because his ex didn't.

I don't think you've really appreciated his perspective and you're probably a little dismissive of it. Remember that he won't act like you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyofquestion

I'm not sure what to think And scared to ask because when I done that in the past with my ex it never ended well and I don't want to start an argument because that's not my intention however it's getting to the point when I see my friends posting pics of their partners buying them gifts and flowers or taking them out for dinner that I get really upset and wish that occasionally my partner would do that for me considering he knows how bad my ex was and that I've never ever had that happen to me. I feel like I'm trying too hard to get his attention and he isn't trying hard enough, it's gotten to that stage where I cry sometimes because I'm too old for games and want to settle down.

I said this above. You're stuck comparing him to your Ex and expecting him to be better, but not communicating this to him because you're afraid of communicating with him. You're also jealous that your friends have the caring partners that you don't. The optics don't look good, but I can almost guarantee that behind those pictures of flowers and what not is their own variety of dysfunction.

I think you captured the entire problem with this relationship in this sentence: [b] I'm too old for games and want to settle down[/q]. What happens if he doesn't? My wife and I had a whirlwind romance. We had known each other for many years before hand as friends, but only dated for a year before we got married, 10 months later our first child was born. This is a little extreme but we both knew what we wanted and we were both on the same page. You're wanting Prince Charming and you've got Shrek. Your Envy of your friends is primarily dooming this relationship. Compare it to phones right now. Everyone has a new iPhone 6s and they fabulous. You're sitting with your three year old Sony Android phone. It does what you want and you have fun with it, but it isn't the new shiny that you want. You can toss those angry birds, but you're missing all those fun features in that new iPhone 6s.

You're so concentrated on what you DON'T have that you're missing what you do have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyofquestion

Now to give you a bit more info, our sex life is great only issue is I have to initiate it, however said recent even when I send him sexy text messages normally in the past he'd be more prone to sexually respond back now I barely get a sentence out of him and then he changes subject or says he's going to sleep, when we do spend time together he does occasionally hug me or kiss me but yet again I feel like I have to be the one to initiate it, otherwise we'd sit at opposite ends, when we go out he holds my hand but yet again I have to be the one that makes the move first, it's getting really tiring because I'm chasing him and we should equally be doing it.

Can someone please give me some clarity or advice. Please don't say break up with him because I love him too much to do that I just need some tips on how to respark him/us

Some people are more intimately orientated then others. My Wife grew up Mormon, and her parents weren't touchy feely people. I am sure they had good amounts of intimate times, she has older siblings and there is a 6 year age gap to her next sibling so you know they were doing it. She isn't the most intimate person, but my parents were so I am more so then she is. I am the one who stops for random hugs and kisses and what not .She isn't. I understand this and am okay with. He might be like this, it is hard to say.

There are two things that are apparent:
1). He isn't as into you as you are into him.
2). You're expecting him to be a mirror image of you. You're expecting him to do what you do and this isn't realistic.

Where do you go from here? The first thing you need to do is understand your relationship, what your expectations are and what your needs are. Then you need to figure out if your needs and expectations are being met or if you're sacrificing too much to just not be alone. The second thing you need to do is stop comparing him to your ex. You're not over your ex, this is pretty clear, but constantly comparing him to your ex will be a poison in your relationship. Lastly you need to talk to him, overcome your fear and talk to him. You need to do it in terms of you, and not how he is or is not measuring up to your EX. Leave your ex out of this.

A relationship isn't about being in constant contact, or spoiling with gifts, it's about getting to know each other, talking, just being in the same room without having to say a word.

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations about the guy you date. You expect tons of pictures on social media (why? How does that matter?), gifts (maybe he can't afford to spoil you the way you want to be spoiled), and constant attention. No man can keep that up! What man would want to?

So what if your friends are posting tons of pictures of them with their guy, and the gifts they get. It's not a competition. Gifts don't mean love. Buying a gift is easy, if you have the money to do it. Showing love by being understanding, caring, loving, takes a lot more effort, and means a lot more.

If this is bothering you, talk to him. But really, as someone that's been married for 20 years, with my husband for 25 years, I find the things that you're upset about, superficial, and childish. Sorry if that's harsh, but it's the truth. I mean really, he doesn't spoil you enough? Sigh.