Mutiple threads merged

I've been with my fiancé for 5 years now. We met when we were 17 and moved in together about a month later. Well the relationship was great for the first 3 years until he cheated on me. He moved out of our home and says that he was going to go live with his aunt to clear his mind, but come to find out he was living back and forth between my place and the other woman's place. She called me one night after he and I had just come from a date and told me that he was laying in her bed. Long story short he was cold busted but wanted another chance. I gave him one because I honestly believe in second chances plus I did not want to feel as if I had wasted all of those years for nothing. Since that time he has met several female friends, which I have no problem with platonic friendships between a man and a woman, the thing is I don't trust these relationships. As childish as it was I went threw his phone and counted how many there were and there was a grand total of 35 different women in his phone. Surely all of these are platonic friendships right?

Anyway fast forward 2 years to where we are now. We are again currently living together and he's showed no visible signs of cheating but out of the blue he wants to get separate places. At first he said he would sign a 6 month lease, just to see what it would be like to live on his own, and even though I was very hesitant I agreed. I felt like it was moving backwards, we had been in the process of trying to buy a house and I have just miscarried twins I was carrying so I can't understand why he's doing this.

Well I found a copy of his lease agreement today and it shows he signed a 15 month lease, he has not yet moved, the apt won't be ready until may and I feel very betrayed. I love this man and I don't want to have my heart broken again. The last time we wanted to clear his mind it resulted in another woman, he says that's not the case this time, he just wants to see what it's like to live on his own.

Do I trust him? Does anyone think that this situation is moving backwards or should I just support him and stick it out? I just don't think I can trust him and I know if you don't have trust you don't have anything. I really want to just let it all go, but I can't, all I think about is him. I don't want to start over with another guy, I've built something with him. But I don't want to allow myself to be put in a situation where the ultimate ending is me being hurt.

Move on.

I think you already know the answer to this. Your fiancé has cheated on you, moved out once, now wants a separate place after living together with you a second time and has repeatedly lied to you. On top of that, you don't trust him and he treats you with little respect.

Part of the problem probably lies in the fact that you guys met when you were so young and moved in together so fast. You are fooling yourself if you think the first 3 years were good. If so, he wouldn't have cheated, played the other woman at the same time as you, or moved out. People who are in love work on things together. This guy is definitely not happy, and I really doubt you are too.

There are two reasons to end a relationship. One is abuse and the other is infidelity. The faster you end this one, the better for the both of you. You say you have built something with this guy?? What have you built?? As you say, if you don't have trust then you have nothing. You deserve a lot more, and as difficult as it may be, I would say that this guy has helped you learn what you DON'T want, now get out there and find what you DO want! Take some time to live on your own, don't rush into anything, build your self-esteem back up and move on.

Hugs, Didi

Remember that true...
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Well if 2 people love each other, and have been together for 5 years then you should know what he is thinking by his face.
It's really up to you, sit him down and tell him to be honest with you. Tell him that you want to know what he dose with these women. But if you truly believe he is having an afiar
I guess the only thing to do is let him know its over.

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do I trust him? Does anyone think that this situation is moving backwards or should I just support him and stick

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Enough of being his fool. Get him out of your life and keep him out, plain and simple. He has had his chances and he still blew it at your expense. Time to move on, as this didn't and won't work.

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Originally Posted by grammadidi

I think you already know the answer to this. Your fiance has cheated on you, moved out once, now wants a separate place after living together with you a second time and has repeatedly lied to you. On top of that, you don't trust him and he treats you with little respect.

Part of the problem probably lies in the fact that you guys met when you were so young and moved in together so fast. You are fooling yourself if you think the first 3 years were good. If so, he wouldn't have cheated, played the other woman at the same time as you, or moved out. People who are in love work on things together. This guy is definitely not happy, and I really doubt you are too.

There are two reasons to end a relationship. One is abuse and the other is infidelity. The faster you end this one, the better for the both of you. You say you have built something with this guy??? What have you built??? As you say, if you don't have trust then you have nothing. You deserve a lot more, and as difficult as it may be, I would say that this guy has helped you learn what you DON'T want, now get out there and find what you DO want! Take some time to live on your own, don't rush into anything, build your self-esteem back up and move on.

Hugs, Didi

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You are absolutely right, I don't deserve this. I have broken my back and fought so hard for this relationship to work, but if he does not want this then I cannot force it on him. I need to know what makes me happy and I have made a promise to myself not to be his doormat any longer. I thank you so much for all of your advice. You guys have opened my eyes up so much.

In case you have not read my previous thread, my boyfriend of 5 yrs and I have recently broke up due to his "needing some space". Our 6 yr anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks and he wants to celebrate with me. We have not spoken to each other at all the past 2 weeks (he's been calling, I won't answer). I really want to go, I love this man, I want a future with him, however I don't think going is emotionally healthy for me right now. I don't know what to do. I told him that I would let him know by the end of the week.
His family and I are still very close and his mother and I talk everyday. She called me up aT 3am this morning to just "talk" about what's going on between me and her son. She says that he just kept her on the phone for 4 hours talking about our relationship, I bluntly told her that as far as I am concerned THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP... he cheated, he's the one who needed the space and he's the one who felt like he was missing out on something by being in an exclusive relationship so why should I feel bad that he's hurting. Does he not realize how much he has hurt me? Does he not realize how many nights I laid up in my bed crying my eyes out and missing out on much needed sleep. Does he not realize how much resentment I have built up inside of me for him.
Yes I love him, and I want to be his wife and the mother of his children. But wants and needs are 2 different things and I have finally realized that. I think it would be nice to be able to talk about our issues but I know one of us are going to get upset and one of us are going to say or do things that they may regret ( namely me ) if we ATTEMPT to celebrate an anniversary that does not exist.
Even though I have said all of that, I still really really want to go, I miss him. So I ask myself WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

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Originally Posted by MsTasty

In case you have not read my previous thread, my boyfriend of 5 yrs and i have recently broke up due to his "needing some space". our 6 yr anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks and he wants to celebrate with me. we have not spoken to each other at all the past 2 weeks (he's been calling, i won't answer). i really want to go, i love this man, i want a future with him, however i don't think going is emotionally healthy for me right now. i don't know what to do. i told him that i would let him know by the end of the week.
his family and i are still very close and his mother and i talk everyday. she called me up aT 3am this morning to just "talk" about what's going on between me and her son. she says that he just kept her on the phone for 4 hours talking about our relationship, i bluntly told her that as far as i am concerned THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP....he cheated, he's the one who needed the space and he's the one who felt like he was missing out on something by being in an exclusive relationship so why should i feel bad that he's hurting. does he not realize how much he has hurt me? does he not realize how many nights i laid up in my bed crying my eyes out and missing out on much needed sleep. does he not realize how much resentment i have built up inside of me for him.
yes i love him, and i want to be his wife and the mother of his children. but wants and needs are 2 different things and i have finally realized that. i think it would be nice to be able to talk about our issues but i know one of us are going to get upset and one of us are going to say or do things that they may regret ( namely me ) if we ATTEMPT to celebrate an anniversary that does not exist.
even though i have said all of that, i still really really want to go, i miss him. so i ask myself WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

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You are fine and right there is no celebration to be had if the relationship is dead, take care of yourself, cherish the good memories and slowly heal from the damage caused. Resentment means to re-feel. Someday you will stop re-feeling the pain and be free.

Hi,
If you have not already read my other posts I will update:
My live-in boyfriend of 5 years decided that he wanted space, he moved out of our home and rented an apartment a couple of miles away. We've never done the nc thing, as talking to him is a big part of my life that I did not want to lose. We have even been seeing each other and going out on dates and stuff and we've even spent a couple of nights at each other houses. It seems like the move was actually the best thing for us although we are still not officially "back together"

My problem is right after his announcement of "wanting a break" I got a bit upset and decided to try to move on since he obviously didn't want the same things out of a relationship that I did. In my mind the only reason he wanted to move out was to be unfaithful ( he's done that to me before - be unfaithful, and have also admitted in the past that, that would be the only reason he wanted his own place) so I went out, scored a couple of numbers and have been having great conversation and even a dates with this totally amazing guy we'll call him B.

B and I have been talking lately about being together, but I have been very reluctant since I don't want to break his heart. I know that I am still in love with my ex and I know that this is nothing more than a rebound relationship and I don't want that. I would never want to cause pain to anyone. It's hurting B because he says that he wants to be my knight in shining armor, he wants to make me forget about my ex and heal my broken heart.

In a way I felt like I was leading him on so I stopped calling, stop anwering and stopped seeing him. Be now tells me that he won't give up on me, he knows that I care ( which I do ) and that he will wait on me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO! I really like this guy, he's so unlike anyone I have ever met before but I'm still holding on to hope that my ex and I will get back together. I feel like I'm being selfish. I don't want to let go of my ex, but I don't want to let go of B either. He makes me feel good, and when something is on my mind he is always there. ( for the record B and I have never been intimate)

Last night B told me that he is in love with me, I got really quiet and just hung up the phone because I didn't know how to respond (immature I know). He called back and I did not answer. He left me vm saying that he knows that I was not ready for that but he just wanted to let me know how he feels. I do have feelings for him but it can't possibly be love. I've tried to let him down but he wasn't having it. Even though deep down I was so glad that he didn't give up. I am so confused. What am I suppose to do now?

I think you need a break from both guys because guy B shouldn't be in love with someone who can't feel the same way. Guy B also seems to be pushing for something or perhaps he is threatened by guy A but either way it's not a safe emotional spot for him or you for that matter.

I know I feel the same way. It's an emotional rollercoaster that I do not want to be apart of. But it seems like every time I try to break it of with B he pushes even harder and it feels like I'm left with no choice but to give in or feel like an evil witch for breaking someone's heart or hurting his feelings. I've tried to remain just friends but he always pushes for more.

Your stuck! Can't go back, or move forward. Leave them both alone, and give yourself time to figure it out. You have no clue what you want or how to get it. Time to find out for yourself and no one else.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Your stuck! Can't go back, or move forward. Leave them both alone, and give yourself time to figure it out. You have no clue what you want or how to get it. Time to find out for yourself and no one else.

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YES, the reality is sinking in that I am a confused soul. I don't know which way to go. After reading your post Tal I called B and explained that I needed time to think and it's best not to contact me until I get myself together... wanna know what his reply was. "take all the time you need sweetheart, i am not going anywhere, i will make you mine"... kind of scary but I guess I get what he was saying. He's really in love.

Also called my ex... had to leave a vm (go figure) asking that he call me back to talk about what's going on w/us... he called back and guess what the first thing was that came out of his mouth... " u want some D*ck don't you" and I'm like whhaaat... hold up buddy that is not what the call was about. (he can be so immature at times)

Anyway he's on his way over... we are going to talk and I have to let him know about B, (he is clueless to the relationship that we share) and also let him know that I agree on the space thing. Let's see what happens.

Note to self: you will TALK... and TALK only
I repeat nothing more will happen besides a conversation

OK I think I'm good... I'll let you guys know what the outcome of the evening is... thanks for the advice.

Well my ex came over last night and talked, he said some things to me that I've been wanting to hear for soooo long, but somehow I didn't feel what I thought I should feel. He was saying things like " we have been thru alot and i feel that it has brought us closer than ever, and no matter what happens with us i will always love you. i would rather be mad with you than happy with someone else"... and things of that nature

I know I love this man dearly but it's extremely hard for me to trust him. I don't want to feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life for nothing, I really want a future with him, but I just feel so indifferent now. He has caused me a lot of pain yet I can't move on even when someone as fantastic as B comes along.

Everyone tells me to stop seeing B and to just leave him alone but in my mind I always ask myself what if I never meet another guy like this? Then I have to be stuck with dogs like my ex and I don't want to go through that again.

I'm not an emotionally strong person, this I know and the confusion is driving me insane. In a way I want to be alone and in a way I don't. How does a person get over a fear of being alone? How can I gain my independence back?

Face your fear of being alone, and as you discover who you are, learn to love yourself, you will find what makes you happy, and eventually someone to share it with. I believe your instinct are telling you, your ex is not the one for you, and I hope you heed that warning. For now just be happy with being independent, and do for yourself and go slow, there is no pressure from anyone, and if there is leave them alone, and do what you want. Good Luck and love yourself.

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Originally Posted by MsTasty

after reading your post Tal i called B and explained that i needed time to think and it's best not to contact me until i get myself together.....wanna know what his reply was. "take all the time you need sweetheart, i am not going anywhere, i will make you mine"... kinda scary but i guess i get what he was saying. he's really in love.

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I just don't get a good vibe about Guy B. He seems to be a little pushy or almost have some stalker tendencies. Not full blown or anything but he seems so persistent but doesn't understand the boundaries you keep giving him. He also seems to hear what your telling him but doesn't listen to it, if you know what I mean. I'm not doubting he likes you but I kind of question if he respects you, even if that disrespect is unitentional.

I guess if I started dating someone coming out of a 5 year relationship I'd be taking it slower then she would because I would assume I am the rebound and he for some reason is full steam ahead, even after you tell him to slow down and he agrees. It just comes off as strange if you know what I mean, raising a few red flags.

Ideally you need to have space from both. You need to learn to live independently for a while without pressure from either parties. This as said above is time to learn about yourself and what you want from life as the situation your in now is clearly not healthy.

Having said that it doesn't mean you have to completely emotionally detach from you're the two men in your life and there may be chances in the future but in the mean you must work on yourself away from these people without contact!! Any contact you do have will add to confusion.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I just don't get a good vibe about Guy B. He seems to be a little pushy or almost have some stalker tendencies. Not full blown or anything but he seems so persistent but doesn't understand the boundaries you keep giving him. He also seems to hear what your telling him but doesn't listen to it, if you know what I mean. I'm not doubting he likes you but I kind of question if he respects you, even if that disrespect is unitentional.

I guess if I started dating someone coming out of a 5 year relationship I'd be taking it slower then she would because I would assume I am the rebound and he for some reason is full steam ahead, even after you tell him to slow down and he agrees. It just comes off as strange if you know what I mean, raising a few red flags.

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I know I'm beginning to get a weird vibe from him, today he called me 5 times back to back and as I was leaving work on my lunch break I noticed his car was parked behind mine, I got totally upset and questioned why he won't give me the space that I am asking for and he tells me that he's insecure about the space and nc thing and asked if we could talk about it over lunch. I told him no, that I wanted to eat alone and have some time to myself. After much persistence I finally got him to move his car and left for my favorive café... HE FOLLOWED ME... he states that he was just making sure I got there safely and he wanted to see the kind of places that I like to go...

I'm getting kind of scared now, he is surely not the GREAT guy I began this thread about. He doesn't listen to anything that I say about space, his excuse is that he feels like he's met his soulmate and he doesn't want to let me go. I told him today that what he's doing and what he's saying is making me uncomfortable and pushing me farther away... we've only been dating for 1 1/2 months... how can he be so in love?? It doesn't make sense.

He promised to stop calling and let me get my head together, but 15 minutes later he was calling again to make sure I made it back to work safely! I didn't answer he left me a vm. He hasn't called since then and that was a whopping 5 hours ago. (new record for him)

My best friend thinks I'm being paranoid, but I don't like the way he keeps insisting on disregarding my requests. I know she's just saying that because she wants me as far away from my ex as possible and her favorite saying is " the only way to get over an old bf is to get up under a new one" I don't see it that way at all and I don't feel like I'm being paranoid either. My gut is telling me something and I will not ignore it... I will be keeping my eye on him.

Be very firm, and tell him nicely to back off because you don't want him in your life. Your answer to anything he says is NO! Stay alert, as he sounds like a nut, and make sure someone else knows what's going on. Better safe than sorry.