Ask Me Help Desk - What does my son's friend want?

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some advice please?

My son's friend stayed with my partner, my son and myself for a few weeks after their final year in college. They are both 22. My son's friend lives a few hundred miles away. They are both going to different cities for their careers, post graduate study etc. My son's friend is very quiet, serious and mature for his age. He decided to leave our home a few weeks earlier than planned as he wanted to visit with his parents and sister before starting his career. My son was very disappointed about this and tried to persuade him to stay but his friend was adamant and has now left. They are still friends I hope and my son has got over his disappointment. I got on very well with his friend while he was here, as I do with my son and the three of us had lots of talks. I told his friend before he left that he was welcome to come visit any time but that I completely understood his wanting to see his family before starting his career. I think this helped smooth things over.

My son's friend left a couple of weeks ago and out of the blue I got a friend request from him on Facebook. I confirmed his request because I didn't want to be rude and because I really did have some great conversations with him. Also he knows I'm in a relationship so I'm hoping he really just wants to be friends but I don't think my son knows he sent me this request. I will check with my son later.

My question is what do you guys think? Can I trust that this guy really just enjoys talking with me or do you think his friendship is over with my son and he just wants to stay in touch with me. My son says the friendship is not over but they do not talk as much anymore. Sorry this is so long.

Just on the face of things you may be making too much of this. Relax and keep things in perspective and if he gets out of bounds... unfriend him... or put the young pup in his place.

Maybe all he sees is his "mom" who he wants to keep in touch with,so where is your real concern over this Facebook request coming from? I'm sure your son will ease your concerns when you talk to him.

Please let us know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Just on the face of things you may be making too much of this. Relax and keep things in perspective and if he gets out of bounds... unfriend him... or put the young pup in his place.

Maybe all he sees is his "mom" who he wants to keep in touch with,so where is your real concern over this Facebook request coming from? I'm sure your son will ease your concerns when you talk to him.

Please let us know.

"Maybe all he sees is his "mom" who he wants to keep in touch with"
Thank you. I am sure you are right. I will check with my son later.

I think you perhaps had some "fantasy" about the boy? Son's friends do not normally want a sexual relation with their friends parent.

And it really appears you are really over thinking a "Facebook" friend. Do you normally have a sexual relationship with all of your Facebook friends?

You say, "Also he knows I'm in a relationship so I'm hoping he really just wants to be friends... "

And your question is: "What does my son's friend want"

I don't think you're being honest here about a simple friendship request on Facebook.

I think you could be setting yourself up, and your son's friend up, with a big question looming in the background- is he interested in me because I feel an attraction to him.

Some of those 'great' conversations you had with this friend, could have sparked an interest beyond this friendship request, and you are headed down a dangerous path.

You say he's welcome there any time, but you don't say he's welcome any time, even if your son isn't there. After all, as your son told you, they don't talk as much as they did and that friendship seems to be waning.

You say you are already in a relationship, but perhaps that relationship is also not very strong. I don't hear you saying fiancé, or how long you've been in a steady relationship with one man, or maybe your hesitation to tell your son you are friends with him, is out of guilt because this isn't 'just' a friend on Facebook, but someone who has sparked an interest in you.

Could he have left earlier than he planned because he was uncomfortable?

Most parents I know have some of the kids they know, on their Facebook, and it's no big deal. I have at least a dozen that I've kept in touch with when they all went off to different places around the world.

That you are struggling with 'what he wants' out a simple friendship request, tells me this is not the regular routine for your son's friends.

My gut tells me you are heading down a road you will regret.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

You say, "Also he knows I'm in a relationship so I'm hoping he really just wants to be friends... "

And your question is: "What does my son's friend want"

I don't think you're being honest here about a simple friendship request on Facebook.

I think you could be setting yourself up, and your son's friend up, with a big question looming in the background- is he interested in me because I feel an attraction to him.

Some of those 'great' conversations you had with this friend, could have sparked an interest beyond this friendship request, and you are headed down a dangerous path.

You say he's welcome there any time, but you don't say he's welcome any time, even if your son isn't there. After all, as your son told you, they don't talk as much as they did and that friendship seems to be waning.

You say you are already in a relationship, but perhaps that relationship is also not very strong. I don't hear you saying fiancé, or how long you've been in a steady relationship with one man, or maybe your hesitation to tell your son you are friends with him, is out of guilt because this isn't 'just' a friend on Facebook, but someone who has sparked an interest in you.

Could he have left earlier than he planned because he was uncomfortable?

Most parents I know have some of the kids they know, on their Facebook, and it's no big deal. I have at least a dozen that I've kept in touch with when they all went off to different places around the world.

That you are struggling with 'what he wants' out a simple friendship request, tells me this is not the regular routine for your son's friends.

My gut tells me you are heading down a road you will regret.

Hi Jake2008,

I think you mis-understood my problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

You say, "Also he knows I'm in a relationship so I'm hoping he really just wants to be friends... "

And your question is: "What does my son's friend want"

"I don't think you're being honest here about a simple friendship request on Facebook."

I AM being honest. I DO want to know what my son's friend wants because I am in a relationship and because I am worried HE wants to be more than friends. How is that not being honest?

Quote:

"I think you could be setting yourself up, and your son's friend up, with a big question looming in the background- is he interested in me because I feel an attraction to him."

I DO NOT feel an attraction to him. I think I made it clear that I'm worried that HE feels an attraction to ME. That's why I said "I hope he just wants to be friends"

Quote:

"Some of those 'great' conversations you had with this friend, could have sparked an interest beyond this friendship request, and you are headed down a dangerous path."

What do you mean by "sparked an interest" and "headed down a dangerous path"? Yes we had great conversations as we have similar interests but I was not trying to spark an interest.

Quote:

"You say he's welcome there any time, but you don't say he's welcome any time, even if your son isn't there."

That's right I didn't say he's welcome even if my son isn't there. Why would I?

Quote:

" After all, as your son told you, they don't talk as much as they did and that friendship seems to be waning."

I got that part wrong. They are still close friends. They just had a disagreement but all sorted now.

Quote:

"You say you are already in a relationship, but perhaps that relationship is also not very strong.
I don't hear you saying fiancé, or how long you've been in a steady relationship with one man, or maybe your hesitation to tell your son you are friends with him, is out of guilt because this isn't 'just' a friend on Facebook, but someone who has sparked an interest in you."

My relationship with my partner is very strong, nearly 10 years now. We don't believe in marriage. I didn't hesitate to tell my son out of guilt. He was staying overnight with a friend and I had to wait until he came home to tell him. He didn't know his friend had sent me a Facebook friend request and he was surprised, which also worried me. And NO his friend has NOT "sparked an interest" in me. As I said already I am worried that it is he, not me, who wants more than friendship.

Quote:

"That you are struggling with 'what he wants' out a simple friendship request, tells me this is not the regular routine for your son's friends."

You're right. It is unusual and especially for this friend. That's why my son was surprised. Should I just not communicate with son's friend and hope problem will go away?

You should NOT communicate with your son's friend, not even an explanation. An explanation would give him openings. Drop this and unfriend him on Facebook. A clean slate is best.

I have to admit that I remembered your earlier post about another guy you have encountered on your job.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-811277.html

Seems you have a pattern of "misreading" signals from males that give you attention. Do you have many male friends? I think you worry too much as most females know how to shut overly attentive males down when it crosses a line.

Most of all you can be cordial without being flirty or teasing. I don't think you have any special interest in this young fellow other than friendship because of your son, and I doubt he has anything other than to keep in RESPECTFUL touch with your FAMILY, and I also thinking worry about his motives to you is a bit over reacting and making this a bigger issue than it should be for now.

So relax and put the pup in his place if you have to but for now do nothing. Maybe you do have to be concerned with the motives/actions of a young guy, but until they cross the line of respectful good behavior....just be cool.

If you are so uncomfortable then just refuse his request and say you are uncomfortable with the whole thing. That's not rude at all.

I found it interesting initially that you asked this question until I read Tal's post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

I found it interesting initially that you asked this question until I read Tal's post.

And... interested in yr opinion, oliver

I'm not sure why you think that the young man and your son might not still be friends simply because he cut his visit a little short and wanted to spend some time with his family. Surely your son can understand that?

If you are uncomfortable with having confirmed the friend request, simply unfriend him... no explanation needed. Odds are, he won't really be bothered one way or the other. I have to agree that you are over-thinking the situation.

IF, by chance, he does happen to ask why you unfriended him, simply tell him that you are limiting it to family members and your close friends. Truly, it's just Facebook, he won't care.

It seems to me that she reads more into all of these happenings based on the two examples and that her relationship with her partner may not be as solid as she says because she keeps going down this path. She was befriended on Facebook - it wasn't a wedding invitation. And she said she "hopes" he just wants to be friends. Wasn't it Shakespeare who wrote "The lady doth protest too much, me thinks"? It's almost if she writes one thing but the reading between the lines is saying something much different.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

And... interested in yr opinion, oliver

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I have to admit that I remembered your earlier post about another guy you have encountered on your job.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-811277.html

Seems you have a pattern of "misreading" signals from males that give you attention. Do you have many male friends? I think you worry too much as most females know how to shut overly attentive males down when it crosses a line.

Most of all you can be cordial without being flirty or teasing. I don't think you have any special interest in this young fellow other than friendship because of your son, and I doubt he has anything other than to keep in RESPECTFUL touch with your FAMILY, and I also thinking worry about his motives to you is a bit over reacting and making this a bigger issue than it should be for now.

So relax and put the pup in his place if you have to but for now do nothing. Maybe you do have to be concerned with the motives/actions of a young guy, but until they cross the line of respectful good behavior....just be cool.

If you are so uncomfortable then just refuse his request and say you are uncomfortable with the whole thing. That's not rude at all.

Although I asked a question on this forum before, I had hoped to receive advice on this question alone, without opinions being coloured by other information. Outside of the situations they might seem like similar problems but when you are living through them I can assure you they are completely separate and equally uncomfortable situations. I came on here looking for advice, which I received but I do not appreciate several of you discussing my questions like a case study. It's not a case study for me. It's my life and I am genuinely worried. Tal and Oliver - you have done me a disservice.

Well to be honest I'm not paid for my answers on here so they are honest opinions. Second - I'm guessing you assumed we wouldn't check back to previous posts, but we do. You may think they are totally different but it's definitely a data point. It's like you always say one thing and mean something totally different. At the end of the day if you are lying to yourself you aren't hurting Tal or me. Think about it.

My son is 17, I'm friends with most of his friends on fb. I drive them home after school, we chat, I drive them to the movies, or games night, etc. I'm the mom that they love to talk to. That's it. I'm the mom! The mom of their friend! I never once questioned if being friends with them (most times they send the request) would mean they want more than just talking to the mom of their friend.

Frankly I think this says more about your thoughts, feelings and intentions, than his. He lived with you, he liked talking to you, he felt comfortable in your home. So why would you think a friend request on fb would be more than just reaching out for friendship with someone he got to know and liked?

Sounds like you think of him as more than a friend, not the other way around.

Instead of getting defensive and rude why not supply more facts, or explain why you feel you have been done a disservice? How can we know what'son your mind if you cannot express yourself? You are a stranger, who asked two questions about the same thing, so why wouldn't we connect the dots?

I actually thought you were a female who has a boyfriend that fills your head with paranoia about other males but I chose not to write that hoping you would give constructive feedback instead of being so sensitive about what might just be cultural differences in thinking or understanding.

Am I way off assuming you are of a culture other than western? What has shaken your confidence to deal with this fellow (Or the other) appropriately on your own that you need the opinions of others about the motives or intentions of guys?

I merely wrote if you are uncomfortable about accepting his FB request then don't! How is that a disservice?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela54321

Although I asked a question on this forum before, I had hoped to receive advice on this question alone, without opinions being coloured by other information. Outside of the situations they might seem like similar problems but when you are living through them I can assure you they are completely separate and equally uncomfortable situations. I came on here looking for advice, which I received but I do not appreciate several of you discussing my questions like a case study. It's not a case study for me. It's my life and I am genuinely worried. Tal and Oliver - you have done me a disservice.

We don't know you, we can only base our answers on what you post, both present posts, and past posts, which often tell us a lot more than you the poster provides as info so we can better form an answer.

It is your life, but we haven't lived it, we don't know it, we don't know what your current situation is. You asked a question that many of us found odd because it didn't seem to warrant concern. So we looked at previous posts to try to get a clearer picture about why you're concerned about this particular thing.

Put yourself in our place. You're posting what you have a concern about, without posting all the specifics for your concern. We see your question, it's a bit odd because the only reason we can see for any concern is that you may have feelings for this boy, the friend of your son, and that's why you feel uncomfortable with him asking for your friendship on a social network.

I will say that when I posted, I hadn't read other replies to your post. Now I have. Does it seem odd to you that so many people thought the same as I did, that this may be an issue because of your feelings, not this young mans?

We can only comment on what we know. If you somehow feel that we posted incorrectly because we don't know everything that's involved, well, that's on you, not us. It's up to you to tell us what we need to know to form a clear opinion. If you didn't do that, then you may not get the answers you need. Even if you do that you may not get the answers you want. We're not here to pacify you and tell you what you want to hear, we're here to offer opinions based on what you post.

This is a two way street. We can't read minds, we have no crystal balls, we aren't psychic. If you want a clear answer to your question, then post all the info needed to get that answer. If you fail to do so, you get what you get, based on what you gave us.

Maybe you should not dismiss so easily the common theme of both your questions.

Just something to consider.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Instead of getting defensive and rude why not supply more facts, or explain why you feel you have been done a disservice? How can we know what'son your mind if you cannot express yourself? You are a stranger, who asked two questions about the same thing, so why wouldn't we connect the dots?

I actually thought you were a female who has a boyfriend that fills your head with paranoia about other males but I chose not to write that hoping you would give constructive feedback instead of being so sensitive about what might just be cultural differences in thinking or understanding.

Am I way off assuming you are of a culture other than western? What has shaken your confidence to deal with this fellow (Or the other) appropriately on your own that you need the opinions of others about the motives or intentions of guys?

I merely wrote if you are uncomfortable about accepting his FB request then don't! How is that a disservice?

I can see your point Tal. I did change some information in case my son reads this on your forum. It's probably safe though to say that my son is my stepson, my partner's son and both he and his friend are in their thirties, not 22 like I said. My stepson can be argumentative with his father (they are very alike). When they argued, my stepson's friend stayed out of it but if I disagreed with my stepson, my son's friend would always take my side. There were lots of other little things like that too. I don't want to say any more but that's the gist of it. He got to know a lot of people when he stayed with us but I was the only one, apart from my stepson that he wanted to keep in contact with. I'm sorry for withholding information but my partner is a very private person and would be embarrassed if he realised I was on here asking questions.

Makes it even more unusual that your son was so upset that his friend left early to visit family, and tried to persuade him otherwise. Or that there is a question of the friendship continuing because of it. Although, perhaps that part was made up as well.

The point remains the same. No one can know what his reasons are for sending you a friend request. If you aren't comfortable, or if you are concerned that there may be some underlying motive on his part, unfriend him. Again, it is merely Facebook.