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Can you tell someone that you love them and want to be with them within 3-4 weeks, without sexual intercourse. Supposedly, just met in bathroom at work and made out a few times. I confronted her with proof of various I love you text exchanges, she's ended the "so called emotional affair", transferred jobs and had no contact 4 months now. I'm hung up on 100% transparency and find it hard to believe how someone could get this serious with emotions without any sex.
No you can't. That is nothing but hormones, its NOT love, its nothing but infatuation at most... and people make horrible choices and decisions . Love takes YEARS to grow.Quote:
Originally Posted by Muzzle111
I respectfully disagree with Smoothy, somewhat. You can TELL them anything you want. Is it the truth or is someone trying to get laid?
I agree with what J_9 says... you CAN tell anyone anything... but it's a bad idea to start thinking you can actually love someone this soon, or tossing it around so casually. Which is the point I intended,
Smoothy and J9, you two actually understood that post? I have no clue!
Not really all that hard... sounds like two people on their first or at most second relationship... likely VERY young because of how they talk about thins... probably still teenagers that think every new infatuation is love... because they haven't experienced real love yet due to limited dating and life experience. That's what I see when I read it. And because they met in a bathroom...its probably a same sex relationship because I haven't heard of COED bathrooms in the workplace.
The "supposedly"met in a bathroom and made out a few times, was a bit confusing.Quote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
Also, what does "I'm hung up on 100% transparency" mean?
Someone young trying to sound more mature using a term in other than its intended manner? At least that's how I see it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
The real and true love is the emotional ones, and yes without sex.
Sex confuses hormones and lust for love, most of the time. If you could not live without them, without sex, if you had to, then you love them. If all you think about is the sex, you may not really love them.
100 percent transparency. You need to learn to be a hermit monk. People have secrets, and need private time and private lives. 100 percent transparency is more a sign of a control person who does not want anything to happen they do not know.
No one should expect 100percent transparency from anyone. But why does it matter now? She hasn't contacted you in four months. I am wondering how you 'made out' if you didn't have sex.
English isn't their first language and I believe they have a rudimentary understanding of it.
The first question: Can you be with someone, no sex, for a month and be in love with them? Yes and no. You can be in lust, and infatuated with them, and that feels a lot like the beginnings of love, but it isn't love. There are reports, and studies, and a lot of people in lab coats that will say that you know within the first seconds, but that is just physical love or lust. The mental and emotional take a lot longer because you need to know the person and not just what they show you. What you see when they're not in control of themselves.Quote:
Originally Posted by Muzzle111
The second sentence says, that they met in a washroom (co-ed I assume) and were making out. They were letting their passion out but stopped when he requested it. They've had no contact now for several months. He likes to have no secrets (Ha! Good luck with that), and he mistrusts that this is over and that she hasn't gotten this deep with someone else.
Can you have love without sex? Yes. Sex plays hormonal tricks and can even deepen the love between people. Can you can sex without love. Yup. There are a lot of people, many in committed relationships, who have sex without love.
I think the Poster has issues and expectations that he's hung up on. I don't believe that she is the right woman for him for what he wants. I don't think he trusts her. I don't think this, if there is one, is a healthy relationship. My two cents, worth less with the exchange rate.
Do you mean you, or your makeout in the bathroom buddy? Regardless the makeouts and the I Love You texts were relevant to YOU maybe, but when she ended it and disappeared they become just a fleeting memory for you both. At this point doesn't matter at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by Muzzle111
The only thing that matters is why are you stuck on it? Are you in denial or something and cannot accept it's OVER? Or do you wonder WHY you can't move on like she did? Sometime when we are having fun we try to hold onto that good thrill feeling we had before even when our mind says the thrill is gone and not coming back.
Obviously the LOVE (LUST! ) level was different for you both, and will take you some time to get over it, and get the right perspective from those texts ad bathroom sessions.
Good Luck... be patient with your confused heart. It's easy to get caught up in words and lips(?), a struggle to get back to reality. You believe in 100% transparency do you? That's good for you, but the other person might not. It is what it is for whatever reason....so GOOD LUCK with that too.
This sounds like your partner cheated on you and you are attempting to make sense of it. How long have you been a couple? Did you trust her before this happened?
You might consider couple's/marriage counseling as a safe place to talk about what happened and work out a way to move forward.
Understand that no relationship is 100% transparent. People need personal space or they start pulling back and shutting the other person out. The relationship depends on trust to survive. Trust that both partners are invested in the relationship and want to build a future together. If the trust is damaged beyond repair, then the relationship needs to be ended with both people going their own ways.
Emotional affairs can be harder to understand than sexual ones. Sexual affairs can be explained by a rush of hormones and lust. Emotional affairs are about filling an emotional need. Sometimes people need attention, someone to listen, or other emotional needs met. It isn't about sexual attraction or getting off. However, the emotions involved can be misunderstood. A deep feeling of friendship can be mistaken as romantic love.
If you are willing to forgive and work together to rebuild the trust, you need to sit down together and calmly discuss how you can move forward as a couple. That she has already changed jobs and supposedly ended all contact says she is attempting to make amends. Are you willing to accept and not use it as a weapon against her in future disagreements?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Sorry for the confusion on this, and thanks for all the replies. My wife the wayward spouse claims that there was no sex and I have difficulty believing that there wasn't especially if your claiming and telling this person that you love them. The 100% transparency has to do with the affair. I understand that people make mistakes, but for me to move forward I deserve to know the truth about the affair not some "trickled" down admit to what evidence that may have been presented. If sex was involved, so be it. Admit the wrong doing and allow me to make my decision based on the TRUTH. We've been married for 10+ yrs and kids. Just wanted to get another view from someone other than myself that's still in the "fog". Maybe sex wasn't involved, just hard for me to believe that there was two married people meeting in the bathroom at work on numerous occasions "making out and "that's all it was". Oh, and she never started wearing dresses to work until the meeting's took place. How convenient.
If you ask me... there was more to it than she admits. Particularly the dress thing... no pants to have to pull up really quick...however we can only guess...She knows...and only she knows if she has told the complete truth or not.
I missed the boat on this one. I had no idea OP was posting about his wife. Therefore my confusing reply !Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
Thanks for coming back and clearing that up for us, and while your suspicions and distrust are quite understandable, I doubt if you will ever get your 100% transparency anytime soon. Nor was this just an emotional affair if they were making out in a bathroom... ugh! You already have the idea more went on, so won't quit pressing until you have a confession.
Unfortunately digging and pressing until you think you get the "truth" will only cause more stress, and I think it becomes a distraction to the real problems that led to this affair in the first place. You seem to dismiss the WHY, for the WHAT, and maybe you both need some counseling to help you through this. I doubt she believes you are as forgiving as you say, no matter what she tells you.
What if she doesn't admit to more than she has? You still have to address the elephant in the room... she crossed the lines of good behavior and cheated. Does how far she went over that line make a difference what you do about it? Pressing for 100% transparency does nothing to solve your problems, and as you see she refuses to budge from her position.
If I were you, I would be talking to a counselor whether she agrees to go with you or not and find a better way to handle your situation. Other than distancing yourself, or leaving that would at least be a way to figure out what YOU have to do to live with this.
It's likely that after 10+ years and kids, she was "in love" with the idea of being "in love" and feeling the excitement.
As has been said, she crossed the line, so now you decide how to proceed. She needs to realize that she has to work to rebuild the trust, and you need to be able to find forgiveness so that you can move passed this. Both of these will take time... it can be quite a long time. Some couples are able to work through the process, which can look different for different couples, some are not. Counseling is a good idea if you find yourselves at a point where moving forward it not possible on your own.
If you truly do love each other, you owe it to yourselves, and your children, to do all that you can to change the relationship, and make it stronger than before. That way, if it does ever come to the point of a decision to separate being made, you will know that you tried all that you could.
I wish you well; it is not a nice situation to be in at all.
Thanks for all the input and advice on this... Your time to post and offer help is much appreciated. I totally agree with the "Why did this happen" question. And this is as extremely important, but I have more of an understanding and we have both shed some light as to how things lead up to and how the affair occurred. But for me, if 100% radical honesty cannot be exercised now then what's the point in moving forward and trying to work towards something that's essentially fake. There's no working on anything... should I find proof that the truth has been omitted or "more details" are found down the road. Let me deal with ALL the facts and hurt now, versus being dragged out over time "cause I didn't want to hurt your feeling" that I hear often happen when these things arise.
If you are not willing to give this complex and highly emotional situation the time it needs to unravel itself then I think your efforts to get a "confession" (the gory details) makes things worse, not better. One would think you would already be dealing with your worst fears without having it confirmed by her.
I think I would, but would highly doubt she would be ready to confess what YOU want, despite your "needing" her to for your acceptance, as it's obvious she doesn't trust you a much as you don't trust her.
Just consider, your way isn't working and I doubt it will, or even be helpful. I see her throwing what you want to hear at you in anger, and frustration because of your insistence and that's the way most in this situation gets the "truth"... or what they think is the truth.
Your mind is already made up, so do what you were going to do if you had your "confession".
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