Ask Me Help Desk - My daughter hates me because I smoke

My daughter hates me because I smoke

My nineteen year old daughter told me she "pretty much hates me" because I smoke. Also, I tried to commit suicide 4 years ago, and she told me she hasn't trusted me since then. How can I make things better between us?

Family counseling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by neldaclendennen

My nineteen year old daughter told me she "pretty much hates me" because I smoke. Also, I tried to commit suicide 4 years ago, and she told me she hasn't trusted me since then. How can I make things better between us?

Dealing with suicide as a young teenager is very traumatic. Instantly emotional walls go up to protect a person from the grief and pain. Most people do not see their own personal walls but can easily see them in someone else.

From the two sentences above I would guess that smoking only magnifies this fear she has of losing you. Her statement about hating you is a desperate attempt to change what she sees as more self destructive behavior.

Communicate your love to her. Actions will always have a greater impact. Give her heart time to heal, resist being impatient or responding to her feelings in anger.

God Bless

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

Family counseling.

Yes run don't walk. There has to be more going on here than meets the eye, find out now what the prob. Is while you can still maybe fix things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlakeCory

From the two sentences above I would guess that smoking only magnifies this fear she has of losing you. Her statement about hating you is a desperate attempt to change what she sees as more self destructive behavior.

I agree

Kids need parents that are there physically and emotionally. When that trust is betrayed you need to work doubly hard to repair the damage. It is worth it in the end but it take time and hard work.

It means not only using the counselling resources that are available but making more effort to communicate especially about the ways that you are making changes. I think that we all learn by repetition; and by verbally reaffirming positive steps and by doing things that she can actively see as an effort on your part will help in repairing your relationship.

Quitting smoking is a way for her to actively see "effort". As an ex smoker I can tell you that it is an achievable goal, one that will have an extra bonus for your situation because, to your daughter, it might show her that you care for her opinion and are invested into just, well... life.

Good luck

Um here's a thought:

Stop smoking and don't try to kill yourself

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Originally Posted by wonderwoman2007

um here's a thought:

stop smoking and dont try to kill yourself

Haha! Well said.

Well I agree, Family counseling is one thing, but you have to actually do the things that the counselor requests of you. And sometimes it will seem silly. But DO IT. And don't try the whole "Ive tried to quit smoking" bit. Been there done that. One day I said enough trying no more pills or smoke free products, yada yada yada, I asked myself what was more important, I threw away my cigarettes and haven't touched one since and that has been nearly a year. (By the way I smoked for 15 years) If I can do it anyone can do it.

A dear friend of mine once said "suicide is selfish" because you may not feel any pain anymore but everyone around you feels even more pain.

Ask her if there is anything you can do to rectify things. Listen to her. Try to follow her advice. Ask for forgiveness and be forgiving. She doesn't really hate you. She is concerned, she is angry because of the heartbreak.
If you quit smoking, pay close attention to your diet and fluid intake.
Give yourself a break when it comes to improvements. That is, make them. You need the break from patterns of the past. Don't expect too much but do not settle for failure.
Think positive. Speak positive. You will get positive results.
Time will help.
And yes, address the core issues that made you unhappy with life at that time, if you haven't already. If you have dealt with it, then focus on making your life more full and if you daughter can't come on board now, she might later. What matters is that you work through this and take care of yourself. That, after all, is what she was after in the first place. Respect that. Respect yourself, and you will be fine. Find the time to help others. Sometimes this adds more to our lives than we ever thought.