Ask Me Help Desk - Mad girlfriend over this HELP PLEASE

Mad girlfriend over this HELP PLEASE

So my girlfriend and I agreed on not to watch porn right? Then one day we got into a fairly big argument and was mixed up emotionally and all. Next morning I had a boner so I decided to just get on porn and release myself from a lot inside me.She found out now she is freaking out calling me a liar and all these names and telling me that she can do whatever she wants now and I cant do anything about it. She just keeps telling to go watch more porn and all that. Saying I deserve everything she's says.Getting a ride home with her guy friend that we have talked a lot about and how I do not like him.Input? What do I do?

How old are you both? I'm guessing about 16. Is that close?

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

How old are you both? I'm guessing about 16. Is that close?

18 and 20. I am 18

I guess you shouldn't have watched porn then.

You apologize for breaking your promise, then you break up with her. This isn't a healthy relationship anyway.

Her reaction is because she is mad. You made a commitment and you broke that commitment. Regardless what the subject is, don't make commitments you don't plan on keeping. Apology is a good first step.

You should have never made a commitment that you could or would not keep. If you like porn, then do not promise to stop. Porn has nothing to do with her, and if she does not want you to. That is her issue.

Next how did she find out? If you were alone, and were doing it, did you tell her?

Why or what is her objection to it.

She is now merely saying crazy things to try and hurt you. Sounds very juv to me. I will agree, hard to believe you are both that old.

Sounds like you guys don't live together. How did she find out about it? I bet she has a pet fly and it was on the wall and it told her. You need to get a fly swatter or keep your mouth closed.

I would have told her to mind her own business when it came to porn in the first place. However you broke your word once given, but to tell her about it, and have this reaction... you should just leave her alone, and don't expect her back.

I assume you apologized profusely, and to no avail, so don't beg, disappear, and keep what little dignity and self respect you have left. Sometimes it's best to let the emotional dust settle and not add more fuel to the fire, and cut your losses.

Frankly I wouldn't care what she does in her anger. I just wouldn't be a party to it as no doubt the porn is the tip of the iceberg with unresolved issues in this relationship, and you both handle yourselves badly often in resolving them.

Cut your losses.

How long have you been dating? When the promise was made did you both agree that porn was a form of 'cheating'? Did you lie about it when she found out?

First thought, has already been covered, do not make promises that you may not be able to keep. If you are going to break a promise, do not make excuses. Since a person can masturbate without looking at porn, you made a conscious decision to do something you knew would upset her if she found out.

Second thought, how did she find out? Was she looking on your phone/computer/other device? Did you give permission for her to use the device or was she looking for evidence you were up to no good?

She is angry that you broke a promise. She might even feel like you cheated on her. That does not give her permission to threaten to or actually cheat on you. Bad behavior is not an excuse for bad behavior. Her response is crosses the line into bad behavior. She may be hurt but it is not an excuse.

If she snooped and found the evidence of the porn, then you have a mutual trust issue. It takes time and a willingness to allow trust to be rebuilt. If she isn't willing to calm down enough to accept your apology and calmly discuss how to work together to move forward, then walk away. You messed up but she doesn't get to continue punishing you for an indefinite period of time. You get to explain that you do not want her invading your privacy and she should talk with you if she is concerned about something. You also get to explain that her threats of cheating are just as damaging to the trust as your porn. If she thinks her behavior is acceptable, then there is no trust and you should agree to go your separate ways.

If she will not calm down enough to discuss the issues with you, then break up. Even if you lied to her about watching porn, she lost the moral high ground when she threatened to cheat.

One last question, was the argument that started all of this about the male who you don't like? Have you accused her of cheating or being too flirty? If you have been trying to be controlling or acting insecure before all of this, then walk away and work on your own insecurities.

Hi,

My quick and dirty take on this is that this is an unhealthy relationship and you need to get out. Porn is a relationship mine field. It doesn't surprise me that you made that commitment and that you broke it. Masturbation happens.

What concerns me is:

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheNameIsLee

She found out now she is freaking out calling me a liar and all these names and telling me that she can do whatever she wants now and I cant do anything about it. She just keeps telling to go watch more porn and all that. Saying I deserve everything she's says.Getting a ride home with her guy friend that we have talked a lot about and how I do not like him.Input? What do I do?

Red flags:
1) Calling you a liar and names. It happens in heated discussions.
2) She can do whatever she wants. This is a problem, you messing up doesn't mean that she can do the same. Eye for an eye will leave the world blind.
3) You can do nothing about it. She's exerting control so that she's in power and you're not. Don't play those games.
4) Go do more of what we agreed to not do... She is plotting revenge and making sure of it.
5) You deserve everything you're getting. Sounds like a veiled threat.
6) Doing stuff she knows will piss you off.

Do you really need this stuff in your life? It sounds like she's got a lot of drama and she's going to do anything to get her way and punish you when she doesn't. Run. As fast as you can. Contemplate making agreements that you will not keep. IE, don't do it.

Good grief... ditch her... count your blessings you found out what she's like now.

And was mentioned... don't make agreements particularly over stupid ones like this... its not like you agreed to stop banging the Entire cheerleader squad.

I see nothing good about here and LOTS of reasons to get far away from her. She makes a few of the Loons I once dated look perfectly sane.

We have been dating for a year now. We never talked about how it was a form of "cheating" we just talked about how we didn't like each other doing "it" to other people. I did not lie about it. I admitted to it, I told her that I was wrong and I shouldn't have done it and explained why I did it. She found out by seeing it pop up in my search bar while on my computer. Well, about the guy. When we were together they'd get intimate with each other. We've talked about him before how she knows he wants her in ways. They have hung-out after classes together before and she tells me that he always flirts and tries to touch and get close. Whenever we get into an argument she always says she's going to do all this stuff like go clubbing and go drink and all that. She told me she says all that in hopes of actually building up the courage to go do so. She always tells me that she hates me and tells me that I'm ing stupid and an idiot. Telling me to shut the up while trying to explain to her. Thank you so much for replying. Would be nice to talk again.

First.. porn isn't cheating. Its not even a form of it. People with serious insecurities fear their partner even looking at another. Its clear SHE feels its OK she does... but heaven forbid you do. Move on... You want to be with someone that knows you are with them because you want to be with them... and don't live in fear of others "taking you". It does get old, really really fast.

She sounds like a jerk, you should be happy she is gone.
If you like porn, don't agree that it is wrong. As noted it is not cheating, there is no other live real people there.

Don't fret over this drama queen control freak... enjoy the quiet freedom, and explore it your way.

"I'm still yours but I can do whatever I want"

You like the drama don't you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

You like the drama don't you?

Why do you say that?

If you didn't, she would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago. She's a drama queen dude! She enjoys messing with your head.

Both of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

If you didn't, she would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago. She's a drama queen dude! She enjoys messing with your head.

Both of them.

Its hard man.. I know its wrong but its just hard.