Ask Me Help Desk - Wanting a break, what now?

After a huge misunderstanding/argument, my boyfriend decided he needed a break from me. He said that he just doesn't know what he wants right now. He wants to take things easy and see where it leads. We have been together for almost 6 years, and we have had our ups and downs, but this is the first time he has ever wanted a break. It is usually always me wanting a "break." Anyway, we talk every now and then... sometimes I call... sometimes he does... and so that's how its been for a few weeks now. When we do talk, it's usually casual, nothing too "emotion based." A few times I tried bringing things up from our fight to try to straighten things out and talk about them, but I have a feeling he isn't ready to let go of his anger & hurt. I am giving him is space, but it's been more than 2 months now. It shouldn't take him that long to decide if he wants me or not, especially since we have been through so much and were pretty serious. I want him back, but know that he needs his space right now. I am ready to move on with life, get married, and be happy. But every time I build myself to be strong without him, he comes around and calls... and... I just melt.
What to do..

First of all... any relationship you are into... does not require you to be vulnerable... that takes you into an irrational mode... so in your case... the guy needs space... GIVE HIM if you truly love him and if he truly loves you... HE WILL come back once he's ready and he will only be ready if you stop thinking about him... let him know through your actions that whatever he is doing is not really bothering you and u're OK if he doesn't come back. It's a strategy that you need to adopt if you want him talking to you about issues.. but don't melt... the strategy works only if you're strong... only when you control emotions and only when you look confident about yourself to him... try it.. good luck

Where is the honest communication that's supposed to help solve problems? Your still talking so what could you be talking about? 6 years is to long to not know each other well enough to sit and talk, unless he is tired of your breaks, and feels it's his turn. How come I don't feel this is a very good relationship to begin with? If your not going to communicate to work out your problems, then don't communicate at all, and take a real break.

diya-thanks for your post. Yah it is time that I let him go, and if he wants to come back.. well IF I am there.. than maybe he can come back to me. Ive decided to let him take as long as he needs, but Im not going to sit around and wait for him.. that's NOT true love..

Talaniman- We talk about everything else but for the problem itself. Last night was a rare occasion that we actually talked about the issue itself and.. I just realized that he is still pretty upset and needs that distance. I also figured out that I deserve better and that a relationship will never work if the other person wants to hold on to things and not resolve them!

2 months is not a long time at all.
Right now I think you both need to work on yourselves and get to a happy place without the other.
Reply receptively when he calls , don't always be available and no need to melt when he does call. Get a busy life you enjoy without him. For now I would not ask him any more questions about the situation.
I have seen a few cases like this work out , usually its when the girl is getting on with her own life and happy,
Work on your issues and try and learn more about communicating with a guy.

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that a relationship will never work if the other person wants to hold on to things and not resolve them!

As you say he needs time. Give it to him. Don't call and don't just run when the phone rings but be busy and wait awile before returning his calls. What are his issues if you know?

Yes, what are his issues? Or is it that you want to move to the "next step" and this is why you keep demanding breaks?

I was with this guy for a yr and he decided that he wanted to take a break and so i cried and cried for a few months.. I even went to california for the summer and then i still thought of him.. but then something hit me.. That I can't dwell on the past because.. It wont give u nothing but a broken heart that feels like its torn to pieces. Finally I got on with my life. started dating, going out with girls and on occasions even guys.. just lived it up.. but everytime he called.. it would make me think about what we had. But then I met my bf kyle.. almost a yr later and its going great.. If i dont ruin it.. But.. what im tryn to say is.. do stuff to get over him.. like u know going out.. Im not saying its easy.. because its not.. its one of he hardest things to do. But u can and will just give it time. hope I was some help.. tell me how its goes

Talaniman & Rol-

To give you a little more detail about the fight.

I just recently moved out of town and I hate it here. I was very depressed moving away from my family and friends but I had to for school. I was all alone. Didn't know anyone or anything. Anways, he was my biggest support. We would always be on the phone, talking about every little thing. We were on the phone one night and I tought he started yelling at me so I hung up and turned my phone off. I was so alone and depressed, I didn't need him to make me feel even worse. I didn't call him after the "fight" because he knew how depressed and totally alone I felt, so he should have been the one to call me and make me feel better. And he was thinking that I should have called him because I hung up and ignored him for no reason at all. Anways, after 2 weeks I decided to call him even though I felt it was totally his fault. And he was being rude of course, so things weren't going anywhere. Well, I decided to drive down to see him one night (a 4 hr drive one way) and he still didn't care. Said it was stupid of me to all of a sudden drive down to talk after 2 weeks. I didn't see him that night because he was busy and never answered his phone. Anyway, a few days later is when everything came out. It turns out that he wasn't yelling at me, I just thought he was. And since he wasn't yelling at me, it was my fault for making that assumption and blowing everything out of proportion. So when I found this out, I apologized.. but apparently it was already to late (about 1 month later is when I found this out) and he was too angry.
So from this misunderstanding/"fight" is where everything began.

Here are some of the issues:

1. He is upset for the fact that I always get upset about little things and all of a sudden Im OK about it and let it go. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't that better than making a big deal out of something and arguing about it? Sometimes I talk about what bothers me, other times I just let it go. He says that it really bothers him. He has brought this up before, and Im getting better at it.. and talking to him more... but he can't see that. He can't see that I am making progress... not only for us... but for me. I know it is unhealthy to just get upset and all of a sudden let things go without resolving or talking about them. This time, he said that it was like I have a disorder.. to quote him.. he said that I am "bipolar."

2. We both always joke around about each other.. as in I'll joke around that I don't lke the music he listens to.. and he'll joke around about the fact that he doesn't like how I talk sometimes. We always joke about little things like that and laugh it off, just for fun it was one of those things that we would do, but all of a sudden he says that, that is what bothers him a lot. I told him that we BOTH joke about it, and he says that he was always joking but he knows that what I had to say always had a little bit of truth to it. I think that's not fair at all.. and it's just a silly excuse..?

3. He is upset because I really don't like his friends, or ever want to hang out with them. Well, it's not the fact that I dislike his friends... it's more that I don't really know them. He has never made an attempt to make me feel comfortable around them, so it's always a bit akward when Im hanging out with them. He always wants me to hang out with them, but if he isn't going to make an effort to make me feel comfortable around his friends, then of course Im not going to like going out with them. So, since he doesn't get that, I always just tell him to go by himself. It's better than me coming along and ruining the evening for everyone. This issue has come up before, and he just doesn't get the fact that Im still his "girlfriend" when we are out with others. I told him how I felt about this issue, and he said.. "well that's just stupid."

4. He says that I hardly ever want to hang out or do anything with him. Which is true, I don't like to ALWAYS be out and about... it's good to do things together... but not all the time. Don't get me wrong, we do see each other a lot when we are at school, or hanging out at other times. But, Im BIG on family values and Im really close to them... I LOVE spending time with family. So Im usually saying "no, I'd rather hang out at home" when he asks to do something. This bothers him a lot, but I don't understand why he can't understand my side.

I feel like there is only so much I can talk to him about and explain to him my reasons for doing the things that I do. If he cared, if he wanted to listen, he would. He would understand my side, and want to make the effort to get things right. He has turned so cold. He can't even understand why I would feel so sad and depressed in a new town. He can't see that him leaving me added to this depression and made things worse for me. Whether it's only been 2 hours, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years... if someone does care and wants to make things right and be with you... that person would make every effort to. And right now, he doesn't want to make that effort. I recently changed my number as well, because I can't stand the fact that we talk as if things are OK. I don't want to "take a break." It's either, YES you want to be with me but there are a lot of things WE BOTH need to work on, or NO, you don't want to be with me and this is over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rol

2 months is not a long time at all.
Right now i think you both need to work on yourselves and get to a happy place without the other.
Reply receptively when he calls , dont always be available and no need to melt when he does call. Get a busy life you enjoy without him. For now i would not ask him any more questions about the situation.
I have seen a few cases like this work out , usually its when the girl is getting on with her own life and happy,
Work on your issues and try and learn more about communicating with a guy.

You are right, 2 months isn't that long. I am working on being happy without him and working to define myself and figure out "me." I have been pretty strong. Occasionally I break out in uncontrollable tears and heartache, but I think that is healthy because you do need to let your emotions out sometimes & vent. I decided to change my number as well, so I think this should help as well. I figure, if he wants to contact me, he will find a way. Email, Instant Messages, Facebook, MySpace, etc.

From what you wrote, I will stick with my comments in post#3, and the distance won't make it better. Sorry

Yeah id definitely stick with Tals comments in post 3 also.

I don't really know how you think changing your phone number will help either.

Get the 'men are from Mars,women are from venus on a date' book and learn how to communicate with a man.

First of all.. what you need is STRENGTH which you are lacking within you and your conflict inside you can never be resolved unless you try to stop thinking about anything but YOU. Listen YOU as a person is more important to yourself than anyone else.. so think it this way... if you feel something is ruining your peace of mind.. then that one thing is definitely not worth thinking about... u know what I mean. Cut yourself from any thoughts about this friendship... it may seem hard in the beg... but you will soon realize... it's not impossible. Take 3 deep breaths... play some soft music in the background and declutter your mind... DON'T think anything during that period when you are just with yourself... it helps and trust you will feel better to think better.