Ask Me Help Desk - Feels like she is not attracted to me as I am to her.

We have been together for over 2 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. She never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it feels unfair! because it feels like she doesn't want to ever.

And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, which makes me want to give up all together. If I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing is going on and on since I remember us together, well at least after the first year.

The thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She blamed my working hours, even though I took many days/evenings off, and it had no effect or whatsoever.

I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it feels like she is doing me a favour. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle.

P.s - I am being romantic, buying her flowers, listening to her and being there for here.. Taking care of myself, training hard and making the effort to look good..

I wonder if things will ever be better.

Maybe her sex drive is not as strong as yours. Maybe she is afraid of pregnancy, or her energy cycles are different. Could be many things but don't get frustrated, work around it. Where is this relationship headed after two years?

Let me guess... you are young... and everything in your mind should culminate with sex every time you are with her. Like most young guys.

Well let me tell you... she's gotten tired of it because despite what you call, "Romantic things" . They are just thinly veiled attempts to get laid.

You have to spend a LOT more time and effort on things SHE likes and wants that do not have the end goal of getting laid. As it is she sees the relationship is all about you getting your rocks off... and not so much about you both and certainly not about her.

Yeah... you can easily convince YOURSELF otherwise... fact is most women (the smarter ones anyway) and those of us who have been around the block a few times see it too.

Yeah... I'm a dude by the way. I made a lot of the same mistakes when I was really young... (but I used to date slightly older women through my mid 20's so I learned a LOT, far earlier than most guys do)

Great, and she may love the romance, (esp if it does not have to end in sex all the time)

Also what is her views on sex, religious ? Morality? Perhaps she has or expects things in sex, that is not normally happening. Foreplay, after play and more.

It sounds like there is a more serious issue, communication. You should just easily talk to her about all of this.

Speaking from my own experience, conflicts in the bedroom are more about stresses in other areas of the relationship that have bled over into your sex life. YOU say everything but the sex is perfect and I say you should look again more carefully, and objectively, because maybe you missed something, or interpreted something the wrong way.

The others are right in pointing out that bribing someone with flowers and romance to get sex may be pissing her off. If you want to make love to a woman's body, you have to romance her mind, body, and soul, and flowers are wholly inadequate to that challenge. Clearly you have gotten to the point where her lust has faded and she looks for the love to grow.

That's why I asked where is this 2 year relationship going and what are you doing for her mind, body, and soul.

Think about it, and do the right thing. At least listen, and pay attention a whole lot better. If you don't know what SHE wants.....you better ask.....because it's NOT sex, or flowers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptnGeorge

We have been together for over 2 years and love each other very much and just about everything is great, couldn't be better, however our sex life is uneven. She never initiates sex, I'm always the one who has to initiate things, and it feels unfair! because it feels like she doesn't want to ever.

And even when I do most of the time it seems like she gives signals that she doesn't want to, which makes me want to give up all together. If I don't start things off they will never happen. This same thing is going on and on since I remember us together, well at least after the first year.

The thing is that I've talked to her about this before. She blamed my working hours, even though I took many days/evenings off, and it had no effect or whatsoever.

How have you talked to her about this? Did you make it about you or did you make it about her? If you approached it as her problem it will make her shutdown and the sexy times might get a little further apart. There are a few things you need to learn about the female arousal cycle and just people in general. First off, don't approach this like you would yourself. Getting yourself aroused is a lot easier. Boobs! And you're done. Women's arousal cycle is more of a slow burn and take more time and effort. It is more emotional then it is visual/sensory. So you need to start earlier in the day, or even the day before.

The note about people. When you get accusatory it often puts people off the task. For example, if you're responsible for cleaning dishes. If you're told that you're doing a crappy job of the dishes and you need to do them more often. Are you going to do them more often? Are you going to feel resentful. When you communicate with a person you need to talk WITH them not AT them. I have a feeling you're talking at her. She might not feel comfortable initiating sex with you. It could be she has no experience or confidence.

A lot of people have sex in the evening before bed. When you're tired from the day, exhausted from the exertions of work and chores, and just generally want to go to sleep. If you look at it, it is honestly the WORST time to have sex. What she's trying to say I believe is that the timing in the day is just awful. Try the morning, or the afternoon, or the early evening. Don't try just at night before bed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptnGeorge

I don't understand. She won't start things off, and when I try, it feels like she is doing me a favour. I feel like she's not attracted to me anymore or something. But like I said everything else is great, we love spending time with each other and we cuddle.

P.s - I am being romantic, buying her flowers, listening to her and being there for here.. Taking care of myself, training hard and making the effort to look good..

I wonder if things will ever be better.

You bought her flowers! Yay! That's panty stripper right there! You're doing relationship stuff that you should be doing for her regardless of having sex or not, and you expect that to be enough to for her to have sex with you? I am not saying that it is too much or too little, but you're expecting a reward for doing what is required to keep a happy functional relationship alive.

Things will get better, but you have to stop make her feel like sex is an obligation. You need to arouse her and make love to her mind before you make love to her. Half of your problem is that you're perceiving her not initiating as a lack of desire for having sex. It isn't. You initiating all the time shouldn't be a problem. I think there are a few things you need to work around with in your relationship, but it is healthy right now. The thing you need to be careful of is not shutting yourself down and distancing yourself because of this. It is the surest way for the relationship to end.

Good luck.