I know my boyfriend is cheating on me. So I started secretly cheating on him. He will never know since it's so out of character. I'm pretty sure he trusts me and will never find out. We have a son together, I still want to marry him I think. I just don't know if I should keep cheating and pretend to be happy or if I should put money away and just move out before he gets home like his ex.

Wow. I am so conflustered (confused + flustered) as to what to say. Is the relationship repairable after his cheating and your revenge cheating? It’s doubtful without counseling to find out why the cheating started in the first place and to be able to correct those things. Keep cheating = NO. Pretend to be happy = NO. Sometimes staying together for the sake of your son is the worst thing you can do for your son. This won’t repair itself and will be the foremost thing you think about. This is just my opinion but cheating would be the end of my relationship because really, what’s the point at that point.

Short Answer: yes. 90% at least.

You seem strangely okay with this though. Neither of you are committed sexually to the relationship at this point and being a great pillar of relationships. I don't know how the rest of the relationship is going so I don't know if it is failing in any of the other aspects. What has me here is how you haven't confronted him and how your reaction was, "If he's getting something on the side then I will too." This tells me two things, the first is that you're not getting enough intimacy from him, be it sex or just hugging/touching/kissing/etc, and as such it is easy to set that intimacy, or lack there of, aside and get it from a secondary source. The second is how little respect you have for him and yourself that you believe that the response of "Anything he does I can do" is an appropriate one.

It is kind of showing that there is a lack of "love" in the relationship. That you're just kind of roommates that sleep together because it is better then being alone. A lot of relationships go beyond their best before date without the participants realizing it. They just carry on until something breaks and they go their separate ways. This is what has happened here. He probably realizes you know and he's waiting for you to end it because he's not able/wanting to.

So where do you go from here? You have a couple options in my opinion:
0). For all options you need to start protecting yourself. All sexual encounters you need to use protection. Condom is a must even if you're on the pill. You need to make sure your sexual health is protected. Who knows what your lover has, or your boyfriend from diddling around. This is high risk and could impact your sexual life forever. Make sure you're protecting yourself.
1). Do like you said, squirrel away your money and leave him. Make sure you have him as father on your son's birth certificate so you can get child support from him. I don't think it will be hard to do this, I believe you're emotional divorced from him anyway.
2). Talk to him. I think there has been a stunning lack of communication. Lay out all that you have and try to work something out. There has to be communication and compromise for any relationship to work. Did he cheat with his ex? Did cheat on his ex with you? This might be the logical progression for him through relationships. Regardless, put your son to bed, sit him down a lay everything out. Don't accuse him of anything because he will just shutdown and you'll get no where. You need to talk about this through you and your perspective. You might be able to work something out. This will take effort and resolve on both your parts. I don't know if you or him have the strength for that right now.
3). This is an extension of number two. Consider this if and only if EVERYTHING else is functional in your relationship. Consider talking to him about an open relationship. It is apparent that he can't be monogamous, but if he is committed otherwise to you and your son this might be a healthy compromise that will allow you to satisify your collective itches while having the functional relationship required to raise your son. This one will require a LOT more work then #2 above. I don't think you two have the emotional strength to deal with this.

In short I think the relationship is dead. I think your son is the only reason that you two are hanging on to the illusion of the relationship; well perhaps him and the idea of being with someone. I would find a way out and figure out life beyond that.

Good luck.

I think you were wrong when you cheated him. But you did anyway. You should show him that you knew about his cheating on u , face the reality and you should decide breaking up this bad relationship. Don't forget your son to have all his rights from his father. Then end everything. Try to not have the same relationship in future , try to stop having sex without marriage

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Originally Posted by duaaaa

I think you were wrong when you cheated him. But you did anyway. You should show him that you knew about his cheating on u , face the reality and you should decide breaking up this bad relationship. Don't forget your son to have all his rights from his father. Then end everything. Try to not have the same relationship in future , try to stop having sex without marriage

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Hi.

Don't impose YOUR morals and YOUR lifestyle on other people. Sex without marriage is fine. Sex with marriage is fine. As long as the sex isn't harmful to anyone it is fine. This is an occasion where the sex is harmful, so it isn't okay.

It is fine for you to believe that sex before marriage is wrong. What isn't fine is you telling people that. It is up them to figure it out and relate it to their beliefs. Sex before marriage is a good thing. It lets you figure out if you're sexually compatible before hand. IF the man is a twice a month, and the wife is twice a night, then it isn't going to work out. It is better to figure this out before making your vows then afterwards, possibly incurring a divorce in the process.

You cheating was just stupid. You are not getting even with him, since he does not know. And people see you, or they talk, so he could find out.

In fact, I think he should, you should tell him, that you know he is cheating on you, and that you cheated on him. Then see if he still wants to be with you. (is he as open minded as you are?)

The issue here is the entire relationship is based on lies, cheating and I see no reason to get married, until all of this is out in the open and solved.

Since when is having a child with someone an excuse to put up with crap and worse, to imitate the crappy behavior they put you through?

Leave and get some help getting your head on straight. Bet his ex feels better.

The very most important, and essential ingredient to have a solid, long-lasting relationship, particularly where a child is involved, is honesty.

You may think that you are doing no harm, and your boyfriend might think he's doing no harm, but the two of you have already put the wheels in motion to end your relationship, and ruin the life your child has come to know- that being with two loving parents, providing a loving home.

The child's heart will be ripped out, turned upside down, and stomped on, as the eventual conclusion of your relationship will likely end the way most situations like this do, with resentment, anger, lawyers, court dates, accusations, new partners for each adding to the confusion.

While the child's parents play games with each other, and feel victimized in one way or the other, and hide the truth, and show no effort to put things back together, but only make things worse, what do you think this does to the child's life?

For selfish parents, such as you and your boyfriend, who seek sex outside of the commitment you made to each other, there is no turning back the clock, and realizing, for both of you, that what you have done, is destroyed the promises and commitments you made, when you decided to take on the ultimate responsibility together- and that is to raise that child.

I don't know what to tell you. To ask for advice on whether to keep on cheating- blah blah blah- you show a remarkable lack of maturity.

The attitude you show in your words will, in the end, most certainly show up when this fiasco ends in separation.

Best of luck with the mental health of your child, who will be stuck with each parent living apart, and who were never very good parents to begin with.

Ever hear the phrase... "Cutting off ones nose to spite their face?" Or, "two wrongs don't make a right". What he did was wrong... and what you did for the reasons you gave for doing it were downright childish and spiteful.

I feel sorry for your son... he's the only victim here. You gave up the right to wear the victim badge the moment you cheated in retaliation.

He's cheating, so you're cheating to get even with him cheating, and you want to marry him because you have a son together?

Poor kid, his parents are both really messed up.

You both need to move on, and grow the hell up for the sake of your child. He deserves better than two adolescent parents that can't commit to a relationship for his sake at least.

Poor kid. He's the only one I feel bad for. You and the boyfriend are supposedly adults, and should learn to conduct yourselves as such. Shame on you both!