Ask Me Help Desk - Best friends Ex

Hey guys and gals,

I am facing a dilemma. My best friend started dating a girl about nine months ago (we will call her Kate). Only thing is, I had asked her out two months before and had gotten friend-zoned. Now I understand that she may have not liked me and then grew feelings for my friend (we will call him Cade). So Cade and Kate start dating. I am friends with both of them so throughout the next eight months, I am the third wheel everywhere we go. People even started calling us the Dynamic Duo +1. After eight months, Cade decides to break it off, spewing reason after reason. It's pretty obvious he is lying and no one knows the real reason he broke up with Kate. Regardless, he ends it and Kate is heartbroken. They both come to me in the aftermath and I become a sort of buffer between and for the both of them.

This is where we get into my dilemma. I have maintained my attraction for Kate since the beginning. I have had a crush on her for over a year and a half and now he is single again. My heart tells me go for it but my brain is telling me don't. It says that if I were to go for it, I would be breaking "bro code" which means I would be dating my best friends ex. I know that it is not socially acceptable to do that but I cannot help my feelings.

So yesterday, I told her how I feel. She was not surprised and even seemed to be happy about it. She said that she had feelings for me as well but didn't know to what extent. We both then agree to a single date for this upcoming Wednesday. Dinner and a movie. This is to see to what extent she likes me.

The day passes and today, Kate tells me that, while she doesn't want to cancel the date, she has decide that the date will be the end of it, as she still has feelings for Cade. Cade ha moved on but seemed distantly upset when she told him that we were going on a date. I then told Kate that in the interest of not complicating our friendship, I didn't think we should go on the date. She welcomed this decision and that is how the conversation ended.

My dilemma:

I cannot get Kate out of my mind.
She seemed to be open to a date and possibly more.
She still has feelings for Cade.
I don't want to lost my best friend over Kate.
I want to be in a relationship with her.

Please give me your advice as to what I should do.
Thanks!

-Charles

First, you should never had been everywhere with them. You needed to know enough to not always go with a boyfriend and girlfriend, (unless you bring a girl)

Next she is not over the other guy and this type of date will normally never last.

If you are really good friends with the other guy, break the date with the girl, since she is not to the point of "wanting you" now.

Later if she is over the other guy, and wants to date you. You talk to your friend.

Going out with her now. You will lose her, you will lose best friend.

She has basically said no to you in so many words twice. She doesn’t seem that in to you from what you have written. Plus the relationship, I assume, just ended and that would make it a rebound situation. Emotions and feelings are difficult to deal with when you are still thinking about the other person that left you. Getting into a relationship after rebounding or after the potential partner is rebounding isn’t that best start of a relationship. So this whole equation is fraught with complications. My advice is be a friend to both and find someone that is in to you.

Quote:

I cannot get Kate out of my mind.

You are obsessed with her even beyond your better judgement, so tell your heart to shut up and put some distance between YOU and HER, so you can see the facts and not just react to FEELINGS. To be honest when she rejected you the first time you should have left her alone and moved on. Now you REALLY do need to leave her alone and move on having been rejected yet again.

Quote:

She seemed to be open to a date and possibly more.

No she doesn't and has said so, but your heart just keeps giving you FALSE HOPE! Sorry guy, those are the facts you have written.

Quote:

She still has feelings for Cade.

Yet another fact that you try to ignore that you should pay attention to. She just got dumped you fool, and hasn't gotten over it, yet there you go trying to make her do what she doesn't want to do because that's what YOU want. You ignore the obvious, she doesn't want you, and never has and has rejected you over, and over again, but you aren't listening, or paying attention. That makes you look rather FOOLish!

Quote:

I don't want to lost my best friend over Kate.

You will lose your friendship, not over Kate, but by ignoring the obvious and your own common sense. You don't have to lose a friend if you act like a friend and show some dignity, AND self respect by rejecting this foolish behavior you are following.

Quote:

I want to be in a relationship with her.

That's not happening so get over it by leaving her alone and moving beyond such a foolish notion you are STUCK on.This is a dilemma of your own making and only YOU can behave better. Leave her alone and get your own life, like you should have done when you were rejected the first time before they even got together, and again when you MADE YOURSELF a third wheel, which you KNOW was a HUGE mistake and had to be humiliating.

Get your dignity and self respect back and get beyond this experience. No more contact with her until you do!

That's my advise, based on FACTS.

The first thing to realize is, any serious relationship takes time to process, and then ultimately to begin dating again.

The second thing to realize is, she considered you a friend she could talk to and get comfort from, naturally, after her breakup. Then you made a move on her, and that crossed the friendship line, into other territory, and you betrayed your friendship with her.

Third- while she was recovering from a broken relationship, you crossed the line with Cabe too, by moving in on a very sensitive life event, and in so doing, made it seem like your friendship to Cade, was not worth the respect he was due under the circumstances. It seems very bad, decision wise, to risk both a relationship with Cade, and a possible romantic relationship with Kate- because you broke friendship on both ends- and ended up betraying two people because you couldn't wait until both your friends had recovered from their relationship.

Now you are in limbo. Cade will not trust you, and Kate is backing off because it seems, at least from the outside, that you saw their breakup as an opportunity for yourself, and damned the torpedo's.

You very well may have destroyed not only both friendships, but also a serious possible relationship with Kate.

Either way, your friendships will never be as they were. Possible romance? Maybe down the road, but I wouldn't count on it.

'I know that it is not socially acceptable to do that but I cannot help my feelings.'
AH, but you CAN keep your ACTIONS in check. It's called acting like an adult.

You blew it twice. It's bad enough to move in on a heartbroken girl who has been dumped a month ago by your best friend. It's doubly bad to move on her for the second time. You knew she had brushed you off the first time, so what ---- now that she's all vulnerable you think she will rush into your arms, and you don't care that she doesn't feel romantic towards you?? Lots of people do rush into another's arms on the rebound. You have a lot of friend-mending to do. (And drop the bit about every reason he had was a lie. You don't get to decide that.)

Good lord... you aren't much of a friend. I wouldn't want someone like you around when I was single... or even now that I'm married.

I've already told someone else this today... over half the population of the Earth is female... there is no excuse to chase after people friends have been or are dating... (or heaven forbid one of your own relatives)

GeoHive - Male / Female distribution