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Texting and chatting has gone on with nothing overt sexually but lots of "let's connect soon!" and two "thinking of you!" texts from him and one "awwww. Thinking about you today!" From her in response a to a photo of his two children at a college visit. 75 total texts but lots of conversation not captured by texts. What do you think?
What does she say about this? She has been telling you about the texting?
Do you trust her?
Sounds like someone has been snooping on someone else's phone... without their knowledge. And really doesn't know the context of what was said so is reading what they want to see into it....
Do you know this other person? Does she mention him in conversations as she might other friends?
Why not just ask her about him?
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Originally Posted by Wondergirl
No telling. Found the texts on phone that was invited. At first minimized by saying there were only 12 texts then found 75 more. Said he was just a friend and forgot about all the other texts and it meant nothing to her... frequent get togethers and talked about him a lot.
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Originally Posted by Catsmine
Sure. But should I? "thinking of you!" seems so charged...
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Originally Posted by smoothy
Invited to review phone. Know context.
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Originally Posted by DoulaLC
Know him. An acquaintance. Potentially a friend. Talks about him too much.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Did ask. Minimized number of texts at first. Then reviewed all 75. Said she forgot about others. Said they mean nothing. "thiniking of you!" really? No other male sent or received such a text.
I have female friends, and we exchange several texts a day. One good friend, maybe 5 or even 10 a few days, show photos of kids, talk about meals, and so on.
It sounds like you were snooping (sorry it does sound like it) or asked to see her phone,
It also may be you did not "ask" but demanded to know?? What was the real tone?
It sounds like you do not trust her, men and women can and do have friends of other sex. Their chats are the same as everyone's. So if the same words where from a girl, Would you think your wife lesbian?
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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
All good points. A few possible distinctions: married, "thinking of you!" Do these apply to your situation? No snooping. In fact invited. Have gone through all of the texts with spouse. Just seemed that boundaries were crossed. If your spouse exchanged "thinking of you! Texts with another, would it raise a bit of concern?
Were you invited because you insisted? Is "thinking of you" all you have in all those texts? If it bothers you say so, and why, and then drop it, and revisit this no more, and trust your wife to handle her business, HER WAY, in HER own time.
Where does the need to police and judge your wife's texts even come from? Is she not even worth the benefit of a doubt? Bottomline is not her texts but how you handle yourself. Take the high road my friend.
Sure you are not being set up for some jealous attention?
Had something happened to initiate the invitation to go over the text messages together? Have you shared that you feel the messages had become too familiar/cozy and it was making you uncomfortable? If so, what was her response?
Good points. Gut tells me there was too much chatter/and beyond flirting, but that is interpretive and gut sense. Question is: is "thinking of you!" back and forth at least something of concern if it seems to be a romantic phrase in context? Do I have a right from marriage to have concern?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Initiation was just basic openness. Both ways.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaLC
Yes, shared this in straightforward way and that this came during time of emotional withdrawal from me.
Response initially was to minimize texts that there were "only 10," but when full 75+ were recovered, she said she "forgot" these and "they mean nothing" and he was just a "fun friend."
Is it at least concerning for multiple "thinking of you!" texts? This is seems borderline romantic?
Once I stated "too cozy" nature of texts, she also validated my concern from a perception basis.
If you spoke about it, DROP it, and stop obsessing! What good does that do, except to fuel your own resentments? I see this as only a big of a deal as you make it.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Fair enough. Easier said than done. But fair enough.
It is NOT appropriate for a married woman, to exchange over 75 texts with a man who is not her husband.
Regardless of how you came to know of the texts, you know now, and I'm not going to beat you up about snooping.
Please talk to her. Tell her that it bothers you that she exchanges so many texts with this man. She should respect your opinion, and just put an end to it. Or at least agree to not text so much.
Should the shoe be on the other foot, and she discovered you had texted a woman 75 times- pardon my opinion here- she'd likely confront the issue head on.
She needs to stop it.
Hi!Quote:
Originally Posted by kevmo
You're stuck on a guy texting your wife "Thinking of you." You don't know their relationship or the context of them texting to each other. You don't know their dynamic. He's at best an acquittance to you. You do not understand ANYTHING about their relationship. Because of this you insert your ideas, and assume about their relationship. You are assuming that there is something romantic. You assume that there is intent beyond what has been said. You are assuming quite a bit without any qualification.
Your wife let you look at her phone and read ALL the texts. This is a huge sign of trust on her part. If there was ANYTHING hinky there you would have found it. Which means that she really had nothing to hide. You are assuming that she has something to hide. Red flag 1 that you don't trust her. You asked her about it and she said that there wasn't anything to worry about. That should be good enough for you when there is no evidence other then your wild speculations, but you don't trust her and are more apt to believe your speculations rather then what has been presented to you. Red flag 2 that you don't trust her.
We let our partners in close to ourselves and we show them our naked beings (physically, spiritually, and emotionally) so when there is even a hint of betrayal, which there is not here, we clam up and assume the worst. We become our own worst enemy.
So what do you do here? Accept that you wife has close male friends. Trust your wife when she talks about the texts. Have a beer and chill out. Take your shovel and put that mountain back to a mole hill. You're creating drama that isn't really necessary unless you want it and want to deal with it.
If there was anything more than mild flirting, it appears to be a symptom of other issues. I think instead of focusing on the texts you both need to focus on your relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by kevmo
Have you discussed why she was emotionally withdrawn? Did something happen caused her to become withdrawn? Were you more distant than you might have realized? Are you both working on putting time and energy into the relationship? I suggest letting go of the negative thoughts and work on creating positive ones.
This is more of an aside: "Thinking of you" can be just a friendly thing to say. It does not have to imply a romantic relationship. Card companies have a whole category devoted to friends keeping in touch using the phrase "Thinking of you". Numbers of texts can get away from a person especially if she is like me and thinks in terms of 'conversations' and not 'individual texts'.
I do have one last thought for you. Would you think anything negative about the texts if they were to a female friend?
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