Late for Work

Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."

"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."





Physical Problems

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"





Brooklyn Lawyer

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?"

"I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"





For The Kids...

How do snails get their shells so shiny?
They use snail varnish!

Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of giants fingers!

Why is the snail the strongest animal?
Because he carries a house on his back!