I'm female, genderqueer, and 25 with social and generalized anxiety. My crush is female, 23, and lesbian. (A month ago she asked me out but I unintentionally turned her down, since then she's been closer with my sister) Anyway, yesterday was the MOST embarrassing day I can remember. It's been replaying in my head on and off today and my heartbeat speeds up all over again and I can't help but cringe when I think about it.

Basically Jess randomly walked into my store after having been m.i.a for 2 weeks. Every time she pops into my store my heart beats a little faster and I have to actively keep my anxiety under control. I'd like to believe that I'm usually OK at masking it. But just last week I texted her explaining that I deal with anxiety, and apologized for seeming distant/awkward at times. I also ask if we were still good (she had been ignoring my texts, and talking exclusively with my sister over texts and a phone call recently) so I wanted to know if we were still okay because I “valued our friendship.” She texted back "Of course lol" and offered me an excuse. I was embarrassed about my confession and anxious/nervous about facing her after that.
Anyway, so she walks in the store yesterday and I'm at the register desk as usual.

Me: Oh! Hey!

Jess: Hey

Me: I like your hair. (She used to pay me compliments when she same in, so I decided to give her one since she looked nice that day)

Jess: Really? (she sounded surprised and checked herself in the mirror) Finally she said: thanks. Then “ how are you?”

I honestly wasn't in the best mood yesterday, physically and mentally. Usually I try to act positive and happy when she comes in (after recovering from my shock of seeing her lol). But this time I decided to be honest. My nerves were still on fire, my mind was racing and I just wasn't able to calm myself down much. So I said, “I'm not feeling 100% today.”

Jess: why not?

I avoided her gaze, hesitated for a long while, then finally blurted out, against my better judgement, “it's my anxiety … and insomnia.”

Jess paced the floor in front of my cash register desk and said, “but what do you have to be anxious about??”

There was silence. Then there was me frozen in place, and my mind screaming at her thinking, 'REALLY?! YOU for one!' I scolded myself mentally not to give up that information. Jess was still staring at me. Panic overtook me and I immediately I started stuttering. Bad. I have NO recollection of what I said but I know it was completely incoherent. I shut my mouth.

Jess walked away from me, and said “aww, I made you –“
Feeling SO humiliated and annoyed at myself (and belittled by her) , I interrupted her saying “ – Don't – Don't worry about me. How have you been?”

She told me she had been fired from her job recently, and I tried to offer her support but the atmosphere was still tense. She brought up my issues again, asking if I've ever tried weed for insomnia, and then told me a bit about her own struggles with insomnia and how it helped.

I ended up revealing that I've never tried it but wasn't against it. Then made a joke which made her laugh a long time. We spoke a bit more, and then my sister arrived and they caught up a bit too. I ended up giving her a crappy tattoo from an event she was supposed to attend with us, and she laughed but said she wouldn't wear it but would keep it in her wallet as a reminder of me. I said, “that's a lame way to remember me!” Which made her laugh.

Not sure what she thinks of me now. Part of me is worried she thinks I'm totally pathetic/lame for panicking right in front of her. That was literally my worst case scenario. I feel so stupid. Lol Before she left she mentioned that she wanted us all to hang out. Today I texted her offering my encouragement on her job hunt, but she didn't reply. Not exactly surprised anymore, she tends to ignore my texts these days. Anyway, how do I proceed from here? And how do I stop being so nervous around her and save myself further embarrassment? I can't stand it. >,<

You seem to have severe anxiety issues. You don't mention if you've gotten help in that, either medication, or psychiatric help. Have you? If not, that's the next step.

You seem to be overly anxious, and as a person that isn't, I can say that I understand why she's confused by the way you act. She doesn't know what you're dealing with, or how to deal with the way you deal with things. I have many friends like you, and no matter how often they tell me how they feel, I'm still annoyed by how they react by ordinary things. Not their fault. Not mine. Abnormal behavior is hard for most people to understand and accept, because it's abnormal.

This is your issue, not hers. She's reacting the way most people would.

You need counseling, and possibly medication, to deal with your issues, and yes, they're your issues.

Good luck.

Want to add, I looked at your previous posts. See a trend? Ever issue you have with people, leads to one place. You.

Until you get your issues sorted, seek help with either therapy or medication, or both, you won't be able to have a "normal" relationship with anyone.

Your mental issue are the problem here. Getting help to deal with them is the only solution.

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Originally Posted by Alty

You seem to have severe anxiety issues. You don't mention if you've gotten help in that, either medication, or psychiatric help. Have you? If not, that's the next step.

You seem to be overly anxious, and as a person that isn't, I can say that I understand why she's confused by the way you act. She doesn't know what you're dealing with, or how to deal with the way you deal with things. I have many friends like you, and no matter how often they tell me how they feel, I'm still annoyed by how they react by ordinary things. Not their fault. Not mine. Abnormal behavior is hard for most people to understand and accept, because it's abnormal.

This is your issue, not hers. She's reacting the way most people would.

You need counseling, and possibly medication, to deal with your issues, and yes, they're your issues.

Good luck.

Want to add, I looked at your previous posts. See a trend? Ever issue you have with people, leads to one place. You.

Until you get your issues sorted, seek help with either therapy or medication, or both, you won't be able to have a "normal" relationship with anyone.

Your mental issue are the problem here. Getting help to deal with them is the only solution.

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I basically was hoping for advice on how to deal with my anxiety issues, and avoid ruining my friendship with Jess. I don't need you blaming me for my mental issues, or making me feel bad about them. I'm sure you didn't mean it but your post came off pretty insensitive.

This alone: " I have many friends like you, and no matter how often they tell me how they feel, I'm still annoyed by how they react by ordinary things. "

Shows me that you aren't the most understanding person. The fact that you have many friends suffering from mental issues, trying beat them, trying not to inconvenience their friends like you, and probably dealing with depression sometimes like me, and you refer to them as 'annoying' tells me that someone who thinks like you is NOT someone I would want close to me. I don't know how things will work out with Jess but if she starts showing signs of finding me annoying, bothersome, stupid, worthless, pathetic, because I deal with something she doesn't, I will definitely end the friendship myself because that is downright abusive. Friendship is supposed to be based on trust and understanding.

And yes, I have gone for help in the past. I was in a free CBT program in my city a few years ago, therapy can help but doesn't cure. It didn't cure me. I don't want to take medication because I've seen what drugs like Xanax, Prozac, etc do to people and the side effects are scary and awful. I'm open to natural things though.

> Until you get your issues sorted, seek help with either therapy or medication, or both, you won't be able to have a "normal" relationship with anyone

I think it's more about finding someone patient, loving and accepting of me. Someone who will love me despite my problems, not find me annoying or pathetic because of them.

I just wanted an outsiders view of the situation and maybe what Jess might think of me. Not sure I'll get any advice here though. :s

I think Alty was spot on with her assessment... its not what you wanted to hear... but as an independent third party she gave you a very objective opinion you needed to hear.

Also I've known Alty for a lot of years and she is a VERY understanding person.

Anyone telling you want you want to hear vs. what you need to hear is doing you a great disservice.

People that act abnormal are the ones who need to adjust towards the norm... not the other way around.

Also Therapy is an ongoing thing... it you don't keep with it, its not going to do you any good... and if you didn't overcome your personal issues before you quit, then its on you for quitting too soon.

Being closed minded about meds is doing yourself a disservice as well. Life is all about doing what you have to do, when you HAVE to do it... even when you don't like to or want to.

Being a Drama Queen is not appealing to anyone but other drama queens. It puts most people off, and I've known more of those than I've wanted too. Habitual complainers also put people off. Everyone has hardships and difficulties they deal with. Most people however don't want to hear about every problem someone elses has...even your best friend. Though they will tolerate more than anyone else will. Key is picking and choosing what and how much to share and what to keep to yourself.

And

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I think it's more about finding someone patient, loving and accepting of me. Someone who will love me despite my problems, not find me annoying or pathetic because of them.

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You need to be a LOT more realistic in your goal there. You conform to the world...the world does not conform to you. If you don't you will always find yourself being the outsider looking in...rather than being one of the insiders.

Yes you CAN share with your close friends...but be careful of what, how much and how often or you will put even the most patient of them off eventually.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I think Alty was spot on with her assessment... its not what you wanted to hear... but as an independent third party she gave you a very objective opinion you needed to hear.

Also I've known Alty for a lot of years and she is a VERY understanding person.

Anyone telling you want you want to hear vs. what you need to hear is doing you a great disservice.

People that act abnormal are the ones who need to adjust towards the norm... not the other way around.

Also Therapy is an ongoing thing... it you don't keep with it, its not going to do you any good... and if you didn't overcome your personal issues before you quit, then its on you for quitting too soon.

Being closed minded about meds is doing yourself a disservice as well. Life is all about doing what you have to do, when you HAVE to do it... even when you don't like to or want to.

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It was a 12 week program. There was NO quitting. The program merely ended. And having a panic attack is NOT "acting abnormal" it's a medical and mental condition. My God, this is such an abusive, negative, insensitive atmosphere. I'm sorry I posted my question and concerns on this website. Forget I asked it.

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Originally Posted by Cy_fi

It was a 12 week program. There was NO quitting. The program merely ended. And having a panic attack is NOT "acting abnormal" it's a medical and mental condition. My God, this is such an abusive, negative, insensitive atmosphere. I'm sorry I posted my question and concerns on this website. Forget I asked it.

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God lord... talk about WHO is the one being rude, abusive, negative and insensitive here. Well good luck. Your way seems to be working so well for you right now. I don't have time for this, if you are going to be so hostile to others opinions and observations.

You said you welcomed all advice. Apparently not.
I'm going to generalize, and it may not be welcome either. Whenever someone writes a novel (or play, as you did) about some social interaction, I draw 2 conclusions. One is that the writer has a hard time summarizing and understanding her problems, and the other is that she assumes that people are interested in details about her life.
You could have spelled out this scenario in one sentence about getting anxious, bumbling, and stuttering around someone you like. It boils down to something very common and trivial as far as I'm concerned. Your 'panic attack' didn't put you on the floor and presumably you kept on working. For all you know, she finds your schoolgirl crush behavior endearing. It's just not a big deal.

You seem to me to suffer from highly magnified lack of self worth and highly magnified self importance going in a whirlwind around each other. We all have bits of both - the first allows us to have empathy (for instance, caring that she was fired from her job, and being able to express that you know the feeling) and be likable, and the second is part of our innate survival mechanism. If you can 'get outside of yourself' more (something of an overused phrase, but a good one), I think a lot of your anxiety and insomnia will decrease. Read your post over and over, and try to see it from anyone else's point of view - 90% of it is just not interesting or important to the issue at hand.

Write a summary of who you are and why you think you suffer from so much anxiety, and let's take it from there.

You need must more than a 12 week program. You need personal counseling for a very serious mental disorder.

For your person, prepare a written note, and call her and explain to her, about your problems, She will have to be willing to deal with your issues, (most will not)

12 weeks was not nearly enough nor extensive enough to yield better results for you. However you could take up the offer of your crush to hang out with her sometimes. She may be to busy for idle chit chat but may respond to concrete plans. Worth a try. Even if you gets you nowhere with this crush you learn how to be rejected and able to move beyond it without beating yourself up and blaming whatever your issues are on this temporary disappointment.

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(A month ago she asked me out but I unintentionally turned her down, since then she's been closer with my sister)

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Lol Before she left she mentioned that she wanted us all to hang out.

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So what's stopping you from hanging out? How many overtures do you need? Given you have something in common,

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She brought up my issues again, asking if I've ever tried weed for insomnia, and then told me a bit about her own struggles with insomnia and how it helped.

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Not advocating the weed but you have enough green lights to proceed. You just have to follow through. So say yes why don't you. You make this far more complicated than it needs to be.

Hi!

You said that all advice is welcome. Don't be pi$$y here if you don't like the advice given. That is just common decency. The advice might be painful to read but it should be considered and thought upon. Alty is wise and ISN'T being rude to you. You're sense of entitlement and insecurities don't allow you to accept what is true but hurtful to you and you interpret it as rude. The short is don't assume others are being rude because they're trying to help you. Understand?

Talk to anyone in a rehab program and they'll say that that the first step is the hardest and that is realizing that there is a problem. Most people cruise through life with their particular set of problems and issues and might not even know what they are, why they have them, or what to do about them. They've unconsciously accepted them as who they are without much thought. It isn't until you realize that you have a problem, be it alcohol, weed, anxiety, or exhibitionism, that you can do something about it. So congratulations, you've take the first step to a better you! You realize you have an anxiety problem.

Now to work on the problem. Anxiety is the symptom of your problems but I believe there is an issue behind the anxiety as well. For one you state that you're genderqueer, what do you identify as? Do you identify as male? I need a better explanation of this to be honest because half the time, most likely not in your case here, I find that a lot of this "I am a cis genderqueer lesbian" to be just a pretentious way to make a person feel better. I also think it could be the cause of your anxiety issues because YOU don't understand yourself, your desires, your thoughts, and how they relate to your as a person in this crazy world of ours. You don't have a path to follow, you're feeling lost and alone, and this uncertainty is causing you stress.

When things get awkward the above happens. It is just the way it is, I think your crush acted like most people would. I don't think she was trying to humiliate you, embarrass you, or make you feel bad. I believe it was how you interpreted the events and your assumptions of her motives that made you think this. You're project your problems and ensuring the innocent encounters are negative.

I have a mild OCD - Intrusive thoughts/ruminations. What that means is that I will be sitting happily playing then my brain will kick in and say, "Remember 6 years ago when you said this to this perons. YOU'RE A TOTAL TOOL!! HA HAH HAHAHH AH AH. Ps. U Suxor!!!" Causes a flinch and I feel embarrassed. It is horrible. I have gotten help with this. Bit the bullet and talked to a professional. What he told me is that what I am feeling and how this is happening is completely valid. I was shunting the feelings away because I didn't like them. I needed to feel them and understand why I am feeling them and accept them and accept that the situation was all right and I am okay. I kept putting myself down. I have a journal that I still write in. I put down the situation that got me going, what happened, why it couldn't have played out different, and why it is okay. It allows be to complete the situation in my head and let the feelings change on their own instead of me shutting down and pushing them away.

It's what works for me, and I am not sure that it will work for you.

I could sit here and spew psycho babble to you all day, but I don't think it will help you. You need to find someone, a counselor or psychiatrist, to talk to and get help from. That is the best help and advice you can get in my opinion. You should also figure yourself out before you get into anything. If you're not comfortable with yourself, then you're broken goods on the dating market and will probably sabotage your relationships. Leaving you and them broken hearted because you're broken. Fix yourself and make sure you're healthy before perusing a relationship.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Cy_fi

It was a 12 week program. There was NO quitting. The program merely ended. And having a panic attack is NOT "acting abnormal" it's a medical and mental condition. My God, this is such an abusive, negative, insensitive atmosphere. I'm sorry I posted my question and concerns on this website. Forget I asked it.

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I've had panic attacks, I've suffered through depression most of my life, take daily medication for it, and have for over 14 years now, will for the rest of my life.

One of my best friends has severe anxiety issues, and other issues, she's also on this site. I adore her, but yes, there are times when normal everyday things cause her panic, and I can't understand why, and it sometimes does annoy me, because I can't understand why something as simple as a mosquito bite, makes her so anxious, and I have no idea how to tell her, so that she'll understand, that it's not a big deal, she's overreacting, calm down, this is not something to be anxious about.

A 12 week program to help, is a great start. But someone with your issues needs more than just a 12 week program. You need ongoing therapy, and you need to look into medication.

If you don't want the truth, talk to your friends. They'll tell you what you want to hear. If you want the truth, well, we told it to you. Are you really made because you think we're rude, or are you mad because we told you something you already know, and you don't want to accept it?

Good luck to you.