]Name is Josh. 33 yrs old. In a common law relationship for 4 years. I work a rotation schedule of 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. We live in a house my father bought and we rent to own. I pay around 70% of the bills. My last time home my gf informed me her parents and sister who live 8 hrs away would be coming tp stay with us on my next time home. She never asked me but told me and when i said i didnt mind a few days but a week is alot she got mad in a how dare you type of way. I work night shift and have a hard time bouncing back and regulating my sleep as well as recharging after my 2 week rotations over and i get home. So they showed up for my last week home and i had to play the gracious host which left me emotionally exhausted and now im back at work feeling unrested. One thing that happend while they were there is that they took over my bathroom which is in the hall and i was using the gf's bathroom as its an ensuite in our bedroom. I happened to leave a towel on the floor she uses to dry her hair after showers and she toId me in a snarky tone to put things back where i find them. Bear in mind i was only using her bathroom cause her parents had taken over mine. This has left me pretty resentful and would like some input as the weather this is justified. I think she has some ocpd and npd features but dont get me wrong i have my own issues as well which makes it hard to know when im being resonable vs selfish.

It's only for a week, You can't let her enjoy her family for a week? So you pickup after yourself and make the best of it, what's the big deal? If I were you, I would be enjoying their visit too!

Do you make a mountain out of every molehill?

You sound like a drama queen, she did not say there were moving in forever. It also sounds like she does not see them that often. It is only a week, and they are not your in-laws, since you are not married and even called her girlfriend.

They are your girlfriends parents who at least did not condemn you for "living in sin" LOL.. some would... Next so they took over one bathroom (you are not thinking how lucky to have two)

You were messy and not picking up, and she told you to pick up after yourself. (you should, she was right)

So you work nights, if this was something you wanted, you could have bounced back a lot faster, I worked nights for years, sorry, it is hard, but you adapt.

You sound like you owe everyone an apology, esp girlfriend.

Have you never had house guests before? They take over bathrooms, it's what they do.

You are being a little over sensitive on this. What happens when a big issue presents itself? You might just fall apart.

I am a bit confused. So for two weeks you live away from home and work nights then you are off for two weeks and live at home? Are you trying to keep the same schedule at home that you keep at work?

How often does she see her family? How often do you see yours?

For me it is rather telling that you bring up who you are buying the house from and the percentage you pay toward the bills. Do you feel that it gives you more say in who visits and for how long?

Had there been an on-going discussion about having her family visit with you putting it off or telling her 'no'? If she had asked instead of telling, would you have okayed the visit? Would you have preferred they visit while you weren't there or she went to visit them? Was she excited about seeing her parents until you said a few days but not a week?

How were you behaving while they were there? Were you welcoming or acting like a child who didn't get his way?

Unless there are some other factors you aren't telling us, I think it is a good thing that her parents wanted to visit while you were there. They wanted to see you as well as their daughter.

I am wondering if you are reading more into her tone than she meant or she was feeling a bit stressed and it came out more 'snarky' than she realized. Houseguests, no matter how much you love and want them, do add some stress to the household. She may also have been picking up on your resentment. For some reason, I don't think you have been as careful to hide it as you may think.

Do you ever make decisions without asking her? Even ones that you think are minor but affect her life, too?

I suggest talking to each other and finding a compromise for future decisions. I think you both need to work on communications. A healthy long term relationship takes working together instead of against each other. It takes understanding that you each contribute to the household in your own ways. You are equal partners with some give and take at times. It can't all be your way or hers. Sometimes to keep the relationship moving forward one person has to put the other person's needs first.

In the long term, what is one week hosting the 'in-laws' in relationship that will hopefully last ten/twenty more years?

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Originally Posted by terrancemckenna

Name is Josh. 33 yrs old. In a common law relationship for 4 years. I work a rotation schedule of 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. We live in a house my father bought and we rent to own. I pay around 70% of the bills. My last time home my gf informed me her parents and sister who live 8 hrs away would be coming tp stay with us on my next time home. She never asked me but told me and when i said i didnt mind a few days but a week is alot she got mad in a how dare you type of way. I work night shift and have a hard time bouncing back and regulating my sleep as well as recharging after my 2 week rotations over and i get home. So they showed up for my last week home and i had to play the gracious host which left me emotionally exhausted and now im back at work feeling unrested. One thing that happend while they were there is that they took over my bathroom which is in the hall and i was using the gf's bathroom as its an ensuite in our bedroom. I happened to leave a towel on the floor she uses to dry her hair after showers and she toId me in a snarky tone to put things back where i find them. Bear in mind i was only using her bathroom cause her parents had taken over mine.

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Hi Josh!

You're a bit entitled aren't you? I know it has been said here a bit, but really. Your inlaws come for a week and you have to be cordial to them? Well that's life. No one is going to sympathize with you because we've all had to do that. They're your inlaws, it happens. You just need the grace to host them.

As for your wife, depending on the rules of your state she's your wife you're effectively married, you've been with her for four years, if any of what goes on is a surprise you should probably spend more time with her. Having split bathrooms is kind of weird, but if you work weird hours it makes sense. I wouldn't make that big of a deal about her bathroom, choose your battles; hint this isn't a battle you should choose. You don't go into her agreed upon territory, muck things up, and tell her to deal with it. It is a campsite, you leave it in the same or better condition when you leave.

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Originally Posted by terrancemckenna

This has left me pretty resentful and would like some input as the weather this is justified. I think she has some ocpd and npd features but dont get me wrong i have my own issues as well which makes it hard to know when im being resonable vs selfish.

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Holy carp this bugs me to no end. Why do you need to label what is going on here? As someone with OCD it is so irritating and insulting when people label someone who is perfectly normal as OCD because they have particular habits or ways of doing things. That is a disorder, that is preference and personality.

You have no reason or justification to be resentful. This is a relationship. Put on your big boy pants and deal with it. Either talk with her and tell her what's bugging you or forget about it. If you hold it in and be resentful then you're going to poison your relationship. Communication is what makes things work.

First, I would be careful about referencing your relationship as a common law relationship. Many areas have eliminated common law marriage. Especially after only 4 years.

Second, I tend to agree with the others, that you are making too much of this. If my wife were to come to me and say that some of her family was coming for a visit, I would not expect her to actually ask my opinion. So if you consider your girlfriend as common law, then I don't think she has to ask permission. Maybe ask which week would be best for you, but not ask for permission. On the other hand, they should understand that your schedule makes it harder for you to handle a week long guest visit and not require to be such a "gracious host".

Third, If I were to leave a towel on the floor of ANY bathroom in the house, my wife would comment. So I could understand her being "snarky" about that.

But, I do think that she needs to be a bit more circumspect. She probably has little or no legal protections. Unless she is on the sales contract for purchasing the house, you can evict her at any time as long as you follow local laws for doing so.

Is this in the US? Are you from another culture? Using the term common law relationship strikes me as highly unusual and odd.
Let's take the bathroom issue: how are guests supposed to use another bathroom? Should they have 'taken over' the ensuite? Did you tell that just as a way to get to the trivial complaint about your towel? If that bothers you so much, you are not ready to share ownership of a house.
Let's take the really ominous one, finances (studies show it's the #1 reason for couples fighting): You pay 70%. I think you two need to sit down and TALK in depth about what that means. To me it sounds like a deep seated reason for you to resent this entire scenario. You want to make the rules and decide who does what. You may not even realize it. ScottGem mentioned her role and her legal rights.
Four years is long enough. Time to spell out what this arrangement means. I don't blame her for inviting her family. I'd be confused about you, and maybe she wanted their impression about whether or not to stay with you.

If you were married, I would say that you are being unreasonable in not allowing your wife's family to visit for a week. They live 8 hours away, and a few days' stay hardly makes it worthwhile.

That you are in a common law relationship gives you no obligation to engage her family as though it was 'family' as in family through marriage. Expectations are different, so I don't entirely disagree with you.

You say you pay 70% of the bills, and again, you are not married, and have no obligation to more than your share monetarily. Marriage money is shared by the total, common law money should be (in my opinion), shared equally by both parties. The same goes for assets, savings accounts, credit cards, etc, unless there is a specific arrangement in place. For example, you pay 70% of the fixed bills, and she pays the cable bill, does all the lawn maintenance, and housework. It should equal out somehow.

It is also an expense that probably falls on your shoulders, for the extra expenses when her family is there. Water, electricity, food, entertainment, etc. Guests are treated as such and are not expected to pay for anything. That is a rather selfish expectation of your girlfriend (not wife) for you to do so.

You live in a house your father owns, and you rent to own. You said 'we' rent to own. Is there an agreement in writing? Does she pay a share in order to have this home as much as you do? Do you, and she, expect her name to be on the deed when the house is paid for? Something to think about.

It is up to you how much you want to give, and it is up to her how much she feels entitled to take. I find it rather arrogant that she would expect you, her boyfriend, to pay the additional expenses on her family coming to visit. If you were married, or had an agreement to make things equal, that would be a different story.

I think she is unreasonable, and I think you need to give some serious thought to your future.

Sounds like you've had your routine disturbed which has made you grumpy mainly because you are not getting the usual rest,I have to say that the girlfriend seems a little agitated as well,maybe this visit wasn't such a good idea for her either! however make the most of it try and be nice to each other and remember it's not for always just a week.