My partner and I have been dating for roughly two years now, we started things very slow as we were both relatively newly single. We dated for about six months before deciding to take a break. Not because of problems between us, but because I needed to make sure I was ready for a relationship and needed to clear my head. My partner was upset about the matter, but understood. We stopped talking for roughly four days before we patched things up. I recently found out they slept with their ex during that time frame and while I feel as though it isn't right of me to be upset, I find that I am hurt by it. I'm not sure what I should do about my feelings. We haven't really discussed it and I'm not sure if I really am wanting to. Is it wrong for me to feel the way that I do, should I discuss it with them, or should I accept it and move forward with the relationship? I think it's important to note that my partner hasn't out right admitted to this, it's more of a hunch that I have mixed with numerous things that have been said that point to that conclusion.

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

My partner and I have been dating for roughly two years now, we started things very slow as we were both relatively newly single. We dated for about six months before deciding to take a break. Not because of problems between us, but because I needed to make sure I was ready for a relationship and needed to clear my head. My partner was upset about the matter, but understood. We stopped talking for roughly four days before we patched things up. I recently found out they slept with their ex during that time frame and while I feel as though it isn't right of me to be upset, I find that I am hurt by it. I'm not sure what I should do about my feelings. We haven't really discussed it and I'm not sure if I really am wanting to. Is it wrong for me to feel the way that I do, should I discuss it with them, or should I accept it and move forward with the relationship? I think it's important to note that my partner hasn't out right admitted to this, it's more of a hunch that I have mixed with numerous things that have been said that point to that conclusion.

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You took a break. That means the other person was free to do whatever he/she wants. What happened during that break is none of your business. And you have only a hunch???? PLEASE don't force a "confession." It's none of your business.

Code for "I want a break", is "I want to break up but I don't want to say that, so I'm asking for a break and hopefully a few months later you'll realize we're done".

A break is rarely just for a few days. A break means one of the people doesn't want the relationship.

In other words, during your break you were single, and so was he. That means he can date whoever he wants, sleep with whoever he wants, and it's none of your business. You two weren't together, you were on a break, which mean you were broken up.

Not to mention the fact that you're only going on a hunch!

He has nothing to confess. You were on a break, and what he did during that break, is none of your concern.

"They slept with their ex's" and "should I discuss it with them". How many people are involved in this? Very confusing.

You need to be careful what you wish and ask for. You took the break giving him his freedom to do what he wanted to. He had no clue if it was going to be 4 days or forever.

A couple is defined by how they resolve their issues. Maybe there were no problems before, but you seem to have one now. Or do you?

My only advice is don't act on your fears or assumptions, and since you were only dating in the first place, he was free to date others, and sleep with whomever he pleased all along. So were you. Maybe YOU needed more time to clear your head, or maybe you are not ready for a relationship.

Decide how best you handle your own feelings, and a way forward will present itself. Explain though if there was no relationship before, how do you even take a break? That whole idea is ridicules in the first place as is the title you address him as... "partner"?

Consider he thought he was in a relationship, and got dumped. Obviously there seems to be a failure to properly communicate, and hurt feelings, and maybe assumptions all around right? Regardless you said you patched thing up. Work it out, if you can.

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

We stopped talking for roughly four days before we patched things up. I recently found out they slept with their ex during that time frame ...

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Define found out?

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

... while I feel as though it isn't right of me to be upset, I find that I am hurt by it. I'm not sure what I should do about my feelings. We haven't really discussed it and I'm not sure if I really am wanting to. Is it wrong for me to feel the way that I do, should I discuss it with them, or should I accept it and move forward with the relationship? I think it's important to note that my partner hasn't out right admitted to this, it's more of a hunch that I have mixed with numerous things that have been said that point to that conclusion.

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Abridged it.

You were on a break. You are feeling hurt because your partner didn't seem as broken up about this as you were. They decided that, since you're on a break, they could do whatever they want. Your emotional side is thinking that if this person was invested in you as you were with them then they wouldn't have slept around. You were emotional invested, even on the break, so you didn't sleep around. You are always justified in feeling what you are feeling, there is no reason that you shouldn't feel hurt in this case.

The problem is that, while it is okay to feel hurt here, you have no right to insert that hurt in your relationship right now. You weren't together at that point. What he did only matters insomuch as it can relate to your health, which is to say STIs or pregnancy on the part of his Ex. Other then that you have no right to be angry or hurt AT him. This seems confusing, but you've worked out your relationship and it is working. Drop this, it will be poison if you don't. Unless he tells you, you shouldn't even let him know that you know.

If you want to talk to him it will hurt both of you. Be cautious.

It's a little creepy that your partner is 'they.' I presume a he, since in Dec 2012, you wrote about a man, and about the child you have together. Maybe I shouldn't presume. I take it this is someone new.

Not only do the rules of 'taking a break' allow for either party to do whatever they want, especially given how many evolve into 'I dumped you, dumby,' but you don't sound like you ever gave his feelings a second thought. He could have been very hurt, worried, devastated. I'd forgive him if he actually did jump into an ex's arms. You somehow leap from taking a break to 'patching things up' after 4 days, which sounds a lot different from what you claim it was. So that's a double whammy. You don't have one shred of rights about anything. In fact, I think you need to kick yourself in the pants about all of it.

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

We dated for about six months before deciding to take a break. Not because of problems between us, but because I needed to make sure I was ready for a relationship and needed to clear my head. My partner was upset about the matter, but understood. We stopped talking for roughly four days before we patched things up.

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dani, first I have to ask if you are using 'them' and 'their' instead of 'him' or 'her' because you don't want to say whether your partner is male or female or if it is a sign of deeper issues? It almost seems like you are distancing yourself from him/her. Are you more upset than you want to admit?

I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings. Wrong or right isn't the issue to me. It is the affect the thoughts are having on you and how you are reacting to them. If you are upset about the thought that he/she may have had sexual contact with an ex (or anyone else) during a time you were not an official couple, how are the negative thoughts affecting your relationship now? Are you looking for evidence to support your belief your partner was at any time unfaithful?

If you have lost trust in your partner, is there any way you can allow it to be rebuilt? It does appear it will take a lot of work and energy. Are you willing to put the energy into moving forward? Can you let the negative thoughts go so that you aren't holding back?

I used gender neutral pronouns for a reason. The person I am referring to now is a different person whom I inquired advice about several years back. Nevertheless, the issues surrounding the break were as followed: we dated exclusively (as a couple) for roughly six months. At which time the relationship began to progress more and become more serious than I was emotionally prepared for. I took a step back and told my partner I needed to just be friends until I was sure of my own emotional stability in terms of being able to provide them with what I felt they deserved in a relationship. The break was a mutual decision, but it was met with hurt feelings on both ends. I didn't sleep around not because I was emotionally invested in my partner, but because sex wasn't something I was ready to engage in again with anyone. I think what upsets me most about the matter, is how frequently my partner runs into and ends up in the same place as their ex. I don't believe my partner would cheat on me with their ex, but it was their first and I know how "first loves" go. So I guess the situation has created perhaps irrational and ridiculous insecurities for me, primarily being if I am correct about it being with their first love, then how can I be positive that they're over their ex now, especially if they have the same circle of friends and occasionally run into one another?

Also, regarding the length of the break. The time was short because my partner reached out to me and we ended up discussing things and working things out. I would have to agree, that my partner was probably under the assumption that things between us were over and that we wouldn't be perusing things further. I just don't know how to let go of the hurt I feel about the matter. I realize and thoroughly understand that what happens when two people are not together is neither persons business, but that doesn't dismiss the hurt feelings one can feel upon finding something like this out.

I think it's also important to add that the insecurities centered around my partners ex are because of the limited time between them splitting up and us meeting and beginning our relationship (roughly six months). There were a few instances in our relationships where it was brought to my attention that their ex had contacted them and wanted to discuss things that happened between them. My partner at the time, was interested in talking to them because they wanted closure and to know why they did what they did within their relationship. I had told my partner at the time that it probably wouldn't provide closure, because at that point in time there wasn't much that could be said to justify their poor behavior, that it wasn't my partners fault, and discussing those issues could possibly cause more hurtful feelings than provide healing. I am not certain whether my partner followed through and had that conversation with them. That was about a year ago.

I doubt you can just dismiss any feelings whether they are good or bad, but what you do about them is perfectly within your control, so it really is your problem to deal with. It's legitimate I think to be worried about so much time with an ex, I get you on that one, but not friendzoning an exclusive partner, and calling it a MUTUAL break, since it was YOUR idea, and what choice did "THEY" have, but to go along with it.

I think you also have had resentments with him being so available to his ex, which if I am correct leads to this demotion to just friends from exclusive dating. Add the suspected sex part and it's clear the patch job is both ineffective a fix, as the break up to "clear your head".

It think this is all about unresolved issues (About the ex) or else why would you even need a break in the first place to move to the next level? It's more about your own comfort level and anyone would be uncomfortable with an ex still in the picture. Maybe this relationship isn't ready for the next level, and there are more unresolved issues between you than you have admitted, but what's this patch thing you refer too? What's the agreement? Exclusive dating... again?

Is my guess that you went through "their" breakup with the ex as a friend correct? Be honest a break wasn't to clear your head but to rebel against the ex being in the picture and now it's escalated to sleeping together. You will always be insecure about him and this relationship as long as the ex is in the picture I think, and no agreement or commitment to anything but exclusive SEX and dating until THAT changes, and your own feelings of hurt can never be resolved.

I would throw that patch away and stay away until my head was really clear, or THEY were clear about the root causes of all these bad feelings. THE EX.

Talaniman Rule-Never get deeply involved with someone that still has an ex involved in their life.

I would certainly be hurt, and feel insecure and like a rebound too, but I wouldn't hold on to a failing experiment unless a MUTUAL plan for changes was definitely in place. Remember I said a couple defines their relationship by how they resolve their issues? Am I reading your mind(?) or does the ex have to go?

Okay, I may have not clarified things as well as I should have.
When we took the break, My partners ex was not an issue in my mind. The ex is mutual friends with my partners friends. So they aren't involved in my partners life persay with the exception of occasionally seeing them at specific social get togethers. So the break truly was just a bit of a breather for me to get my head together. The time frame of the break was unclear, as it was left undecided, but we ended up discussing things four days later. The issues with the ex are arising only now because of the suspicions I have over things now due to this issue.

Additionally, when we discussed things we did decide and agree to work on our relationship and to become exclusive again.

I'm left feeling like they were not being honest about being over their ex and that I'm a band aid. And maybe I'm entirely wrong about the situation, but it's how I'm currently feeling. I'm apprehensive to discuss it with my partner because I'm uncertain if opening this Pandora's box of an issue is something I'm prepared to deal with and if it is something I should address or as others have suggested, it's none of my business and I should let it go?

Also I didn't know my partner or their ex prior to us dating, so their relationship and breakup with something I didn't see or know much about at the time of our break

To you, taking the "break" was mutal, but you also said, they did not like the idea, so no, the break was not a mutual agreement, it sounds like something you demanded or wanted and they merely agreed, since there is no use fighting over it.

A break, is almost always a break up, couples in love do not take breaks, they may have fights, arguments but do not break up to see if they love each other.

You let them be free once you took a break, and yes taking a break, means you can sleep with other people to see if you want to go back or not.

I guess the issue, that was 18 months ago, so get a life on this. What has the last 18 months been like, judge the relationship not on the time you set them free, but the time they were together with you after.

To me, it sounds like that "break" hurt them a lot more than you know, and they did not tell you how hurt they were, They then went and sleep with ex, since they were hurt and needed to talk to someone and feel some caring.

Sorry but your need for a break seems to be the cause of this.

I would just drop it, not discuss it, and go on with life.

He came back and you took him back, so why be stuck on hurt feelings? Handle this bump in the road and don't let it trip you up. Or you can wallow in hurt feelings, and insecurity, and miss the fun you were having before.

It's only been 6 months, and you are just dating. Maybe you just need time for the emotional dust to settle. Why did you even take him back, if your head wasn't clear?

Undefined breaks are so unfair!

The relationship has otherwise been great. The break was actually really beneficial. We took things really slow for a long time, so when we took the break I wasn't at that point in love with my partner. I cared, but I wasn't in love with them yet. The last 18 months have been exceptionally well. My partner and I have our bickering moments, but have otherwise gotten along well. I care about them a lot and I know they care about me. I'm just feeling hurt over this issue. I know the break hurt my partner and I know that it was hard on them. I didn't want to hurt them and that's why (as ridiculous as it may seem) I wanted some space. I wanted to assess how I felt without the pressure of commitment (which was what was giving me cold feet). After several days of us not talking, we seemed to gravitate back to one another and once we discussed things, our relationship progressed and got really serious. So the issue has made me feel incredibly vulnerable and it caused me to feel insecure within our relationship. Mostly because of the uncertainty of them truly being over their ex.

dani, when I mentioned talking to someone, I was referring to a counselor or a spiritual/religious guide/leader. Someone who is impartial and can listen with an open mind. Someone who can help you develop tools for dealing with your emotions.

Frankly, it is troubling me that you seem to be dehumanizing your partner without realizing it. He may not be the same person you asked about a few years ago but he is a single human being and you do know his gender so using gender neutral phrasing gives the feeling you are holding him at arms length. That you are pulling away. Are you?

Please look at the two quotes below. Which one is closer to the truth? Frequently and occasionally have very different meanings. Make certain you aren't beginning to gloss over issues to make the relationship seem more stable than it is. Stay honest with yourself. You can't fix a problem if you shove it in a closet and try to forget about it.

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

I think what upsets me most about the matter, is how frequently my partner runs into and ends up in the same place as their ex.

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Originally Posted by daniigurl

The ex is mutual friends with my partners friends. So they aren't involved in my partners life persay with the exception of occasionally seeing them at specific social get togethers.

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As I said before, I am not concerned about the past as much as I am about the present and the future. If you are focusing on a remote possibility to the point of allowing it to change your perception of your time together and encouraging insecurities to grow stronger then you need help working through this before it affects your relationship. If you are to the point of not trusting him, then get help learning how to rebuild the trust or rather allowing it to grow.

You seem to go to great lengths to paint yourself as a closet bisexual who is afraid to come out. Why else would one use such gender neutral terms to describe a "partner"?

Correct me if I am way off, but it won't change my opinion of the shadow of the ex being a huge factor in your own insecurity. Happens all the time with divorced people who share kids, or people who work with exes.

It still breaks down to how YOU cope with your own feelings, and circumstances. Don't you have friends, or family to bounce your thought, and feelings off of?

Do your kids like this person? Have they met YOUR family? LOL, MORE clarity???

I identify as a lesbian, my last partner and I split up because of inconsistencies within our relationship and my sexuality. My partner is a woman who prefers gender neutral pronouns. So me using gender neutral pronouns is out of respect for them. My partner has my my child and they get along great. I have discussed the matter with friends, but would rather seek advice from people who don't have any bias towards me.

I don't choose to interject my sexuality into the mix because I think it's irrelevant to the issue, however, it being stated, the LGBT community within our area is (as I'm sure is the case in many areas) not very big and very interconnected. So when stating that my partner runs into their ex on specific social get togethers, it's not an uncommon occurrence because of how closely knit the LGBT community can be. However, it brings about insecurities when the ex is more involved in someone's life than you'd like.

My partner (as far as I'm concerned) doesn't go out of their way to be around their ex, but doesn't avoid situations where they know they'll be around them either. In the last two years, I've seen pictures of them on a digital camera (left over from their relationship), said ex has added them on social networking sites (this didn't seem to bother my partner), they've run into one another at the club, gone to the same social outings (consisting of 15 or fewer people), in addition to the instances of stated in previous comments. So for me, I don't think it's a far stretch to be concerned about there still being some level of emotional investment in the ex and upon finding out about my partner sleeping with their ex while we were on break, I've been feeling rather crummy and have begun to wonder if my partner has been honest with me.

To be fair, I am not 100% positive it was with their first girlfriend, there is the possibility it happened with a girl that my partner had a fling with prior to meeting me. I assume as much only because of how emotionally invested my partner was with their first girlfriend and the fact that there was only roughly a 6 month time span between them splitting up and my partner and I meeting/dating

I could be wrong, but not using gender neutral pronouns makes the story very confusing.

I looked back at your lengthy history of posting here and it's a hodge podge of inconsistent and quick relationships over the last couple of years. And one about fish - are they still with us?

For whatever reason your relationships become volatile in a very short time. One ex has your child, will he marry me, my same sex partner is back with her ex, sleeping around, etc. These are not the post of a healthy relationship person. (These all maybe the same person - how would I know with gender neutral pronouns?) It may be as simple as you have a need to be in a relationship so you jump into one too quickly without knowing the person well and without them knowing you well. That makes for a bad relationship.

What I can tell you like you I am a fully vested member of the LGBT community. But unlike you I never jumped into relationships without picking out a really good guy. It takes longer, there's more work on the front end, but in the end it's so much better. Jumping into quick bad relationships leads to quick bad results. Have you ever thought about relationship counseling? It may do you a world of good.

And seriously, are the fish still alive?