Ask Me Help Desk - Silent break up?

Silent break up?

I broke up with my fiancée. I am 33 and he is 35. We were together for 6 years and the last 2 we were engaged. I was the one that left the house because the last months he was has pressure from his job and also he was telling me that I was putting pressure on him. He didn't want to talk with me and when I was trying to make conversations he was telling that I was nagging and he was leaving.
The day that I left I was calling him to bring some stuff home.I called him around 3 times and he didn't pick up the phone and the fourth time that he answered it, when I asked him were are you he started screaming at me, then he came home he broke up my mobile and he continue to scream and telling me now I will see how you are going to call me. He made me really upset and I told him that it is enough and I am leaving. He didn't do anything and he left from the house. I took some stuff and I left and came to my parent’s house.
That happened on 26th of May. After 5 days he deleted me from fb and put on that he is single. He didn't try to contact me and I didn't contact him as well. After 17 days he came at my parent;s garden and he left bags with my clothes and other stuff, and he called my brother to tell him that he left at the garden my stuff.Again he didn’t contact me.
24 days after I left the house and a week after he brought my stuff he contacted me for the fisrt time by a text in which he was writing next week I will bring you some of your furniture...
I called him 2 days later but he didn't answer the phone...
Any ideas please?

Ideas about what? It sounds like he has permanently broken up with you and wants nothing to do with you. There are no mixed messages. It's perfectly clear.

I agree that if you're asking for ideas as to if he's interested in re-kindling the relationship, I'd say you are fooling yourself. And, consider yourself lucky to boot.

I doubt that the pressure of his job, or you nagging explains everything anyway. Couples who communicate well, in good times and bad, don't stop talking when the going gets rough- they get through it together.

That you didn't have even that as a foundation for your relationship, is an even bigger red flag that it was going to fail, than the excuses he gave you.

Let it go, and don't look back.

I think he has been looking for a way out for a long time. Sorry you were the last to know. You are free, that's all that matters.

What I want at least is to talk with me. He did all these things and he is avoiding to talk with me... why?

But didn't you break up with him and move out? What's left? Was he supposed to chase after you and beg you to come home?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

But didn't you break up with him and move out? What's left? Was he supposed to chase after you and beg you to come home?

I left because of what he did and in order both of us to calm, we hadn't got any conversation he was angry he did what he did and I told him I am leaving and I left.. Yes I was waiting from him when he calmed down to think and maybe make a move to talk with me.. We staying together for 6 years, his reaction you think is OK? To avoid me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xjterry

I left because of what he did and in order both of us to calm, we hadn't got any conversation he was angry he did what he did and I told him I am leaving and I left.. Yes I was waiting from him when he calmed down to think and maybe make a move to talk with me.. We staying together for 6 years, his reaction you think is OK? To avoid me?

Well, he "maybe" did make a move. And how close was he to smashing your head instead of your cellphone?

You made the first move and left. He took that as the end apparently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Well, he "maybe" did make a move. And how close was he to smashing your head instead of your cellphone?

You made the first move and left. He took that as the end apparently.

A lot of my stuff are still there, also I still have the keys of the house.. I don't feel strong enough to go there and take them.. I am not waiting for something, because what he did and still doing shows no respect to what he had.. I just cannot accept that he behaves to me like he hates me.. It hurts all this..

Quote:

Originally Posted by xjterry

I broke up with my fiancée. I am 33 and he is 35. We were together for 6 years and the last 2 we were engaged. I was the one that left the house because the last months he was has pressure from his job and also he was telling me that I was putting pressure on him. He didn't want to talk with me and when I was trying to make conversations he was telling that I was nagging and he was leaving.
The day that I left I was calling him to bring some stuff home.I called him around 3 times and he didn't pick up the phone and the fourth time that he answered it, when I asked him were are you he started screaming at me, then he came home he broke up my mobile and he continue to scream and telling me now I will see how you are going to call me. He made me really upset and I told him that it is enough and I am leaving. He didn't do anything and he left from the house.

I think you missed some warning signs or purposely ignored them. From what you have written, I think he was already out of the relationship but didn't have the guts to end it himself. Instead he turned it around to where you walked out and he bears little responsibility for the outcome.

His blowing up and screaming at you plus breaking your phone sounds like he has some anger issues. I am not saying that you may not have pushed a button or two but he responded with violence. If that was the first time, were there other signs that this side of him existed? Is he usually very controlled in his emotional responses? Does he tend to be passive-aggressive and make you or someone else responsible for his actions especially the negative ones? If it wasn't the first time, how often does he lose control? Was he ever violent in the past?

Be honest with yourself about where the relationship was headed before you left. I don't think it would have lasted another week if you stayed. I think he would have been gone for good that night if you hadn't left.

I think you have escaped a trap. I think you should begin the process of letting go. Stop trying to make contact with him. Have a trusted third party contact him for picking up items you left behind that he hasn't already given back. Send payment for any bills outstanding that you are responsible for. Request payment for what he may owe you (or write it off as the cost of being free.) Give yourself permission to grieve. Look at your own behavior and see if there are issues of trust, anger, etc. that you need to work on to give yourself support in becoming a stronger person. Go out with your friends. Keep busy. Find a hobby or work on an existing one to keep your mind and body occupied.

I know you want closure but trying to get it on your terms, having him contact/talk to you, is feeding into his belief that you nag. Nagging, or rather his perception that you are nagging, will not result in getting the answers to your questions or the closure you want. Frankly, there is really nothing he could say that would adequately close the door for you to move on. If he is nice, he gives false hope. If he is mean, he adds even more pain to the confusion and hurt you already feel. Give yourself closure by accepting that it is over and whether you know why or not doesn't really matter in the long run.

Good luck.

This relationship was over long before you left the house. And no, if anyone asked advice, we would say no contact. He has no reason to talk to you, and does not owe you any reason if he does not want to talk to you.

You can make a list of all of your things and have someone take it to the house, to give him. Have some 3rd party, arrange for you to go get your things.

Thank you for your reply... I am not sure if he was already out of the relationship because before our fight he was very caring to me and also he was talking about when we are going to marry and that he wants a baby.. His behavior before our argument is tottaly different from what is now.. In general when we had arguments we were resolving them... It is the first time that I am leaving the house. I don't know what I am thinking or what I want.. I just didn't want this to end like that..

Understandable considering this is all new and fresh in your heart and mind but it's a better course of action right now not to act out of confused feelings. Leave him alone until your own emotional dust has settled and can consider what has happened with a clear head.

Tomorrow it is his birthday.. Do you think that it is OK to text him to wish?

I think you should leave him alone. He has given you every indication that he is done with you. It does not matter how things were. He blew up and has pushed you completely out of his picture.
No birthday greetings, nothing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xjterry

Tomorrow it is his birthday.. Do you think that it is OK to text him to wish?

No. Do No Contact. It's over with.

Harshness Warning

Quote:

Originally Posted by xjterry

Tomorrow it is his birthday.. Do you think that it is OK to text him to wish?

After the way he has treated you? Heck NO! Are you crazy? Have some dignity and self respect because you know full well he will ignore you. Why would you even consider such a thing when you know it breaks NC and will hurt you when he doesn't respond or responds with anger.

If I will wish shows that I have no self-respect and dignity? I know what he did, he knows what he did but I am not mean person. It is just a wish.. why is it so bad?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xjterry

If I will wish shows that I have no self-respect and dignity? I know what he did, he knows what he did but I am not mean person. It is just a wish.. why is it so bad?

A wish is fine. Please don't make that wish a reality.

What do you mean? If I send a text writing 'happy b'day' it is so bad?